ideologyhunter
Contributor
My Top Five -- purely subjective, changeable from day to day, and no doubt omitting some really rancid songs that I've blissfully forgotten. My one criterion: these are songs that are or were once ubiquitous, that would assault you from a store's sound system as you innocently shopped for dog chews or coffee mugs.
1. A Holly Jolly Christmas (Burl Ives, 1964) Oh, my God. Just imagine the years from 1963 backward into BCE , when humanity didn't know this song. It never goes away. I start thinking about it in October, knowing that at some point in mid-November it will reappear. Fuck you, Burl.
2. Linger (The Cranberries, 1993) This one actually is my least favorite song, but I'm presenting the list in time order. I can't explain in specific terms why this song revolts me; it's everything, the melody, the vocal, the repeated phrases. I also hate it because I know it's supposed to have a hypnotic effect on the listener, and I've read the youtube fan comments describing it as a mesmerizing masterwork. Fuck you, Cranberries.
3. Hey Soul Sister (Train, 2009) First of all, the ukelele. The last ukelele should've been buried with Rudy Vallee. (BTW, if it's not a ukelele, it still sounds like one.) Yes, this is just a ditty, but it was so overplayed that it became in time an uncontrollable beast. Fuck you, Train.
4. Honey, I'm Good (Andy Grammer, 2014) I have something good to say about this one: I haven't heard it in a long while. After a good five or six years getting extra play on the FM stations that coffee stations and hair salons tend to feature, it dropped out of sight. This one is a trifecta, like Linger: I hate the melody, the words, and the vocal. Should only be played if middle school students from Wheeling clog dance to it. Fuck you, Andy.
5. Hello (Adele, 2015) This is a hit?? As with Linger, half the reason I hate it is that I sense that other listeners welcome it with ecstatic responses. Also that, like Honey I'm Good, it kept coming at you through the day as you came within listening distance of various businesses' sound systems. And, for a song which is, I guess, about a woman talking to a man who jilted her, she demolishes it with her bellowing. On the chorus lines, it sounds like she's on top of a pyramid hollering to someone on another pyramid. Holy Jesus, Adele, this is why we broke up. You never stopped hollering. And fuck you.
I submit that these songs, with a few other goodies, like Sammy's Candy Man or Afternoon Delight by Starland Vocal Band or nearly any of Whitney's million sellers, if put on a tape loop and played to suspected terrorists or bludgeon murderers, would produce signed confessions in a matter of hours.
1. A Holly Jolly Christmas (Burl Ives, 1964) Oh, my God. Just imagine the years from 1963 backward into BCE , when humanity didn't know this song. It never goes away. I start thinking about it in October, knowing that at some point in mid-November it will reappear. Fuck you, Burl.
2. Linger (The Cranberries, 1993) This one actually is my least favorite song, but I'm presenting the list in time order. I can't explain in specific terms why this song revolts me; it's everything, the melody, the vocal, the repeated phrases. I also hate it because I know it's supposed to have a hypnotic effect on the listener, and I've read the youtube fan comments describing it as a mesmerizing masterwork. Fuck you, Cranberries.
3. Hey Soul Sister (Train, 2009) First of all, the ukelele. The last ukelele should've been buried with Rudy Vallee. (BTW, if it's not a ukelele, it still sounds like one.) Yes, this is just a ditty, but it was so overplayed that it became in time an uncontrollable beast. Fuck you, Train.
4. Honey, I'm Good (Andy Grammer, 2014) I have something good to say about this one: I haven't heard it in a long while. After a good five or six years getting extra play on the FM stations that coffee stations and hair salons tend to feature, it dropped out of sight. This one is a trifecta, like Linger: I hate the melody, the words, and the vocal. Should only be played if middle school students from Wheeling clog dance to it. Fuck you, Andy.
5. Hello (Adele, 2015) This is a hit?? As with Linger, half the reason I hate it is that I sense that other listeners welcome it with ecstatic responses. Also that, like Honey I'm Good, it kept coming at you through the day as you came within listening distance of various businesses' sound systems. And, for a song which is, I guess, about a woman talking to a man who jilted her, she demolishes it with her bellowing. On the chorus lines, it sounds like she's on top of a pyramid hollering to someone on another pyramid. Holy Jesus, Adele, this is why we broke up. You never stopped hollering. And fuck you.
I submit that these songs, with a few other goodies, like Sammy's Candy Man or Afternoon Delight by Starland Vocal Band or nearly any of Whitney's million sellers, if put on a tape loop and played to suspected terrorists or bludgeon murderers, would produce signed confessions in a matter of hours.
