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Joke gallery

Please pray for my mother-in-law. She was taken to hospital this morning.

A bee landed on her face.

Luckily she wasn't stung, I was too quick with the spade
 
A psychiatrist congratulated his patient on making such good progress.

" You call this progress?" snapped the patient. " Six months ago I was Abraham Lincoln. Now I'm a nobody!"
 
Substitute your favorite hated college and have fun:

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An Aggie walks in carrying a small pig on his shoulders. Someone asks, "Where the hell did you get that?"

The pig replies, "I won him at the fair."


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Why do UT graduates display their diplomas in the back window of their car?

So they can park in handicapped spots.


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Why did the Vandy fan cross the road?

Because his lips were stuck to the chicken's ass.

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Why is there never a case of hemorrhoids at Clemson?

Because everyone there is a perfect asshole.



Thank you, thank you, don't forget to tip your servers...
 
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side, and had it known it would cause such a furor it would have stayed put!
 
I heard it as an Aggie joke, but same idea, change to your college of choice..... but it works best with a college town that you have to drive thru the country to get to.

How do you know when you're getting close to College Station (Aggieland)?

Because when you get out of the car to take a leak, all the sheep back up to the fence.
 
An Irish lass was asked if she wanted molasses in a restaurant.

She declined, saying that she wouldn't eat any part of a mole!
 
A woman visited a fortune teller who told her that a lot of money was coming her way.

That very day she was hit by security truck transporting money.
 
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because when she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
 
A man knocked on the door of a brothel, A small portal in the door opened and a female voice asked : yes, what do you want?" The man says : " I want to get laid!" " Okay says the voice, place a fifty dollar note under the door. The man does as he's told and waits. After a few minutes waiting and nothing happened, he knocks on the door again. The portal opens and the same female voice says: Yes, what do you want? "Hey, the man with some agitation says. " I want to get laid! " The voice says : what, again?"
 
A man knocked on the door of a brothel, A small portal in the door opened and a female voice asked : yes, what do you want?" The man says : " I want to get laid!" " Okay says the voice, place a fifty dollar note under the door. The man does as he's told and waits. After a few minutes waiting and nothing happened, he knocks on the door again. The portal opens and the same female voice says: Yes, what do you want? "Hey, the man with some agitation says. " I want to get laid! " The voice says : what, again?"

Screwed.

He says he wants to get screwed.
 
A man knocked on the door of a brothel, A small portal in the door opened and a female voice asked : yes, what do you want?" The man says : " I want to get laid!" " Okay says the voice, place a fifty dollar note under the door. The man does as he's told and waits. After a few minutes waiting and nothing happened, he knocks on the door again. The portal opens and the same female voice says: Yes, what do you want? "Hey, the man with some agitation says. " I want to get laid! " The voice says : what, again?"

Screwed.

He says he wants to get screwed.

"Make like a tree and get out of here." - Biff Tannen
 
A little rabbit is running cheerfully through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.

So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion, heating some smack on a spoon, about to shoot up.

"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you'll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle.... Then extends his claws and mauls the rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."

The lion answers, "That little bastard! Every time he's high on ecstasy he's got me running around the forest like a fucking idiot..."
 
A man knocked on the door of a brothel, A small portal in the door opened and a female voice asked : yes, what do you want?" The man says : " I want to get laid!" " Okay says the voice, place a fifty dollar note under the door. The man does as he's told and waits. After a few minutes waiting and nothing happened, he knocks on the door again. The portal opens and the same female voice says: Yes, what do you want? "Hey, the man with some agitation says. " I want to get laid! " The voice says : what, again?"

Screwed.

He says he wants to get screwed.

:eek: Yes, you're right, screwed! :eek:
 
A couple of feline gags. :smile:
Cats have a scam going- you buy the cat food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You'll never get eight cats pulling a sled through the snow.

A man was sulking because Tiddles the family Persian Blue had eaten the ham-like cold meat that he was intending to have for his dinner.
" What's the matter?" asked his wife, " cat got your tongue?"
 
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