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Joke gallery

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most: “When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

The neighbors feared the old man and believed he was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

The old man died abruptly and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that your husband would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down. And he’s too prideful to stop and ask for directions.”
 
"To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'."

Waleed Al Husseini, Palestinian blogger
 
James Brown said:
"To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'."

Waleed Al Husseini, Palestinian blogger
Click to expand...

Damn you, James Brown, with your funky posts. I had to go and look for an image of that quote and use it as my facebook status; now I've got a whole shitstorm to look forward to from my believoid facebook friends. And it's all your fault. Grrrr.
 
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
 
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Three nuns are talking. The first nun says, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nun asks. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun says, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasp the other nuns. "What did you do?" they ask. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replies. The third nun faints.
 
President and Mrs. Coolidge once visited a government farm, taking separate tours. Mrs. Coolidge expressed some interest in a prize rooster. The farmer told her that the rooster was able to perform the sex act several times a day.

Mrs. Coolidge told the farmer "Tell that to Mr. Coolidge when he comes by."

When he got there, the farmer told him about it. Coolidge asked "Is it with the same hen every time?"

"No," the farmer said, "it's with a different hen each time."

Coolidge said "Be sure to tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."
 
angelo atheist said:
James Brown said:
"To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'."

Waleed Al Husseini, Palestinian blogger
Click to expand...
Oh, the quran isn't? :thinking:
Click to expand...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Walid_Husayin

"Allegedly writing under the pseudonym Waleed Husayen in Facebook and on his personal blog, Husayen, according to The New York Times, "angered the Muslim cyberworld by promoting atheism, composing spoofs of Koranic verses, skewering the lifestyle of the Prophet Muhammad and chatting online using the sarcastic Web name God Almighty." He described the God of Islam as "a primitive, Bedouin and anthropomorphic God" and the prophet Muhammad as "a sex maniac" who went around all the laws he had enacted to "appease his voracious desire", claiming that Muhammad was no different from "barbaric thugs who slaughtered, robbed, and raped women". In an essay entitled "Why I Left Islam" on his blog Noor al-Aqel (Enlightenment of Reason), Husayin wrote that Muslims "believe anyone who leaves Islam is an agent or a spy for a Western State, namely the Jewish State... They actually don’t get that people are free to think and believe in whatever suits them." Husayin emphasized that he was not implying that Christianity or Judaism were better than Islam, and that in his opinion, all religions were "a bunch of mind-blowing legends and a pile of nonsense that compete with each other in terms of stupidity"."
Click to expand...


I like this guy...
 
What is the difference between a violin and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
 
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
 
Two nuns riding a bicycle on a cobbled street. One nun says to the other: "Do you come this way often?" The other answers: "No, it must be the cobbled road."
 
A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.
 
Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says to the other, "Ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits."
 
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