Dear dads: Your daughters told me about their assaults. This is why they never told you.

[phands]

This is another powerful narrative....

A man emailed recently in response to something I’d written about street harassment. He was so glad, he said, that his college-age daughter never experienced anything like that. Less than a day later, he wrote again. They had just talked. She told him she’d been harassed many, many times — including that week. She hadn’t ever shared this, because she wanted to protect him from her pain.


For all the stereotypes that linger about women being too fragile or emotional, these past weeks have revealed what many women already knew: A lot of effort goes into protecting men we love from bad things that happen to us. And a lot of fathers are closer to bad things than they’ll ever know.


“Two of my daughters have told me stories that I had never heard before about things that happened to them in high school,” Fox News anchor Chris Wallace mused on air last Thursday, as he urged skeptical viewers to carefully consider the testimony of Christine Blasey Ford.


If you are a father who hasn’t heard these stories, that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. They’ve been pouring into my inbox almost every day.


To the father of the young woman who was assaulted by the student athlete she was hired to tutor: She never told you because she didn’t want to break your heart. But she told me, in a long email, because the memory of it was breaking her own heart and she’d spent five years replaying it.


To the father of the junior high student who was pinned down and undressed at a gathering 30 years ago: She didn’t tell you because she didn’t want to see you cry. But she told me that she still remembers every detail.


To the father of the teenager who was raped at a party. You don’t know about this, because she was certain that if you knew, you would kill her attacker and go to prison, and it would be her fault.

That last one is me....I didn't find out until I had left the country.


https://www.washingtonpost.com/life...ory.html?noredirect=on&utm_term=.a3f01ade44da

 

[RavenSky]

Those stories describe my sisters and I very well. Each of us was sexually assaulted to one degree or another by adult men in our neighborhood. Not one of us told our father until we were all well into adulthood.

For me, it was the neighborhood father who used to pick me up on his motorcycle on the nights I was supposed to babysit his children while he and his wife went out.

Why didn't I tell my dad? I felt like it was my fault, or that I must have been misunderstanding the man's intentions; that it wasn't bad enough to get my father upset about. Add to that the conflicting excitement of riding a motorcycle (something my father strictly forbid otherwise) and the money from the babysitting job and the fear of my father's reaction.

Basically, every time I was on the motorcycle, the man would press me up against his backside, and when we weren't moving he would run his hand all over me. It made me extremely uncomfortable, and I kept squirming away; then he would reach back and put his hands on my ass to pull me against him again.

I was 14.

After a few incidents, I stopped taking babysitting jobs for him and his wife because he made me so uncomfortable. I never told anyone why.

Years later, after we were all adults, I found out that the same man sexually assaulted one of my sisters. He started the same way as he did with me, but then he also snuck into the bedroom where she was sleeping over one night (because it was too late to take her home), and did far worse.

She never told either, at the time.

Now I carry the guilt of not telling. Maybe if I would have told my dad what was happening, it would have saved my sister from worse.

Or maybe, as with the author in the OP, our father would have killed the man.

 

[Tigers!]

Or maybe, as with the author in the OP, our father would have killed the man.

Speaking as the father of a daughter he would have deserved everything he would have got.

 

[ruby sparks]

Both my (now deceased) mother and my younger sister were victims of repeated and ongoing sexual abuse as children. In both cases it extended to rape. The perpetrator in both cases was an adult male known to them (an 'uncle' and a neighbour respectively, not the same man, obviously). My mum only told me when she was 84, just before she died. She hadn't told anyone before that, as far as I know. My younger sister says she didn't explicitly tell our parents at the time, though she did say she didn't like the man being about the place. My sister says she told our mum when my sister was about 30 and that my mum pretty much under-reacted.


Things were different then, in both cases. In my sister's case (rural Ireland, 1960's) it was, apparently, commonly known that the man was 'a bit fond' of little girls.

I was away at boarding school at the time and my elder sister had left home to work. Mum and dad were both working, so my little sis was home alone quite often, which is when it happened. Needless to say, it had a significant and largely unacknowledged adverse impact on them both for their whole lives (so far, in my sister's case).

 

[Toni]

Or maybe, as with the author in the OP, our father would have killed the man.

Speaking as the father of a daughter he would have deserved everything he would have got.

Sure but the consequences for the father beating or even killing the man who molested his daughter? Pretty devastating.

That was one reason I never told the first time someone tried to rape me. My mother had told me that if a boy ever tried something to tell her because if I told my dad, he'd kill him. I believed that to be true, not because my mother said it but because I knew how protective my father was.

I also didn't really want the person who assaulted me to be beaten or worse, something that I knew would happen. I didn't let myself realize for a long time that knocking me to the ground and telling me he was going to fuck me was an attempt at rape or that the fact that he reached behind him to grab my crotch (also on a motorcycle!) was a sexual assault. Instead I was very focused on the bad words he used. I didn't know at the time that anyone ever actually said fuck. I thought it was only written on bathroom walls. I was....young. It was a different time.

When the next time came and all the times after that, until I was furious enough that I didn't care what happened to him if parents found out and hurt him and exposed him enough that he dared not try it again, not with me, coupled with the fact that I was old enough at that point that I had plausible excuses for not going with my family to gatherings where he would be present--I was desperately afraid that I would not be believed. That would have been worse than all of the assaults. I could not have lived with not being believed. I could not have lived.

I told myself all kinds of stories: that I misunderstood, that he was just a crazy mixed up kid (and he was that), that somehow I deserved it because I hadn't told the first time.

Our fathers were very close. Our families were very close. His family was religious and mine was not. It was entirely plausible that he would be believed and I would not be. There seemed to be so much to lose.

The other assaults, from other guys? I simply handled those myself. There was never any hint of calling the police or telling anyone else. Well, the last one--or big one--there were some minor gropes after that that could be excused away by the guy having had too much to drink, there ended up being witnesses because I fought back quite viciously and not quietly.

 

[phands]

Or maybe, as with the author in the OP, our father would have killed the man.

Speaking as the father of a daughter he would have deserved everything he would have got.

Speaking as a father of 3 daughters, that's a dumb response. If I went to jail for killing someone, their lives would be even more ruined.

 

[JohnG]

Two days ago my wife of 12 years (best friends for 20) told me about a sexual assault she had as an adolescent. It was really hard for her to tell me and she was very worried about how I felt afterward.

She thought I might look at her differently.

That makes 2 things we didn't know about each other.

 

[TV and credit cards]

Or maybe, as with the author in the OP, our father would have killed the man.

Speaking as the father of a daughter he would have deserved everything he would have got.

Speaking as a father of 3 daughters, that's a dumb response. If I went to jail for killing someone, their lives would be even more ruined.

It’s a point of great internal struggle. Every bit of me says crippling the POS for life is the right and proper course of action but I am able to stay clear-headed enough to consider the tomorrow of it. Besides, hurting him would be for my satisfaction. If I did, I would do so without considering how she would feel about it, if it would bring her any relief.
Telling me years later when I can do nothing about it is... well, I’d just as soon not know but that’s selfish. I guess if I can take on some small part of the psychological pain from her by listening then so be it, it’s my duty.

 

[TSwizzle]

To the father of the teenager who was raped at a party. You don’t know about this, because she was certain that if you knew, you would kill her attacker and go to prison, and it would be her fault.

I wouldn't go so far as to intentionally kill the perp, but they'd be pretty damn close to death before the medics arrive. I would go "medieval on their ass"^TM.

I know a guy who stabbed his son's abuser to death. He was sentenced to seven years in prison, out in about four. Maybe it's worth it.

 

[phands]

Maybe it's worth it.

Not really. I go to jail. my income stops, they lose their home. Their dad is a jailbird. I could never get another decent job, so they would suffer even more.

 

[Toni]

To the father of the teenager who was raped at a party. You don’t know about this, because she was certain that if you knew, you would kill her attacker and go to prison, and it would be her fault.

I wouldn't go so far as to intentionally kill the perp, but they'd be pretty damn close to death before the medics arrive. I would go "medieval on their ass"^TM.

I know a guy who stabbed his son's abuser to death. He was sentenced to seven years in prison, out in about four. Maybe it's worth it.

As a mother who seriously considered waiting for her daughter’s POS exputside of a bar with a baseball bat—and he did not abuse her physically—I understand how you feel. But knowing that my father would have beaten the living shit out of the creep who tried to rape me is a big part of what kept me silent. Even if an arrest, losing his job and doing some time in jail were not all distinct possibilities.

Your daughters do not need you to beat the shit out of their attackers, no matter how good that would make you feel.

No you need to do something much, much more difficult. You need to be her rock and her comfort, to show her that in no way did she ever deserve what happened, that you will go with her to the authorities, to the doctors, hold her, give her some space, take her to counseling, listen to her cry and let her see you cry, too. You need to treat her not as though she is broken or damaged or ruined but as a whole, complete, beautiful and wonderful human being deserving of love and respect. You need to treat her and her mother and every woman you encounter with courtesy and respect and dignity. Every single day.

 

[TSwizzle]

Maybe it's worth it.

Not really. I go to jail. my income stops, they lose their home. Their dad is a jailbird. I could never get another decent job, so they would suffer even more.

Your circumstances are not the same as mine or the guy I knew. The guy I knew was pretty much at he bottom of the social scale. He had been in and out of prison most of his adult life. Four years in jail was well worth the price apparently.

 

[RavenSky]

Or maybe, as with the author in the OP, our father would have killed the man.

Speaking as the father of a daughter he would have deserved everything he would have got.

Speaking as a father of 3 daughters, that's a dumb response. If I went to jail for killing someone, their lives would be even more ruined.

I think Tigers! fatherly reaction is not at all unusual (or wrong as a feeling). But that is exactly the fear many daughters have - that our fathers might act on those understandable and justifiable feelings, then the situation for everyone ends up worse.

 

[RavenSky]

Your daughters do not need you to beat the shit out of their attackers, no matter how good that would make you feel.

No you need to do something much, much more difficult. You need to be her rock and her comfort, to show her that in no way did she ever deserve what happened, that you will go with her to the authorities, to the doctors, hold her, give her some space, take her to counseling, listen to her cry and let her see you cry, too. You need to treat her not as though she is broken or damaged or ruined but as a whole, complete, beautiful and wonderful human being deserving of love and respect. You need to treat her and her mother and every woman you encounter with courtesy and respect and dignity. Every single day.

^^^ That. A thousand times that.

And now I'm bawling my eyes out. Thanks Toni.

 

[Loren Pechtel]

Maybe it's worth it.

Not really. I go to jail. my income stops, they lose their home. Their dad is a jailbird. I could never get another decent job, so they would suffer even more.

I would think most employers woudn't be too worried about hiring someone who went to jail for beating their daughter's rapist. It's not the sort of thing likely to lead to additional crime.

 

[Ford]

Your daughters do not need you to beat the shit out of their attackers, no matter how good that would make you feel.

No you need to do something much, much more difficult. You need to be her rock and her comfort, to show her that in no way did she ever deserve what happened, that you will go with her to the authorities, to the doctors, hold her, give her some space, take her to counseling, listen to her cry and let her see you cry, too. You need to treat her not as though she is broken or damaged or ruined but as a whole, complete, beautiful and wonderful human being deserving of love and respect. You need to treat her and her mother and every woman you encounter with courtesy and respect and dignity. Every single day.

^^^ That. A thousand times that.

And now I'm bawling my eyes out. Thanks Toni.

I think a lot of men - and I was one of them - don't understand just how deep this shit goes. How much damage can be done to a woman's psyche and how long it can take to overcome. All that stuff Toni described? I went through that with my ex. She'd survived years of abuse before we met, and it wasn't until after it was all over that I realized our relationship was her healing process. Learning to trust again. Accepting that she had worth. Getting to the point where she could describe what was done to her without breaking down. And on my end, coming to the realization that no matter how comforting and compassionate I was, I was climbing up a hill built on impossible violence, constant mental and verbal abuse, and yeah...rape.

It took years before she could tell me what had happened, because in the back of her mind was that guy saying - after he pistol-whipped her - "and if you ever tell anyone about this I'll fucking kill you and your kid and dump your bodies in the desert."

That's the thing about rape and sexual assault. in order to keep you from reporting it, the guy has to convince you that doing so would lead to consequences far more drastic than just being raped.

 

[bilby]

Maybe it's worth it.

Not really. I go to jail. my income stops, they lose their home. Their dad is a jailbird. I could never get another decent job, so they would suffer even more.

I would think most employers woudn't be too worried about hiring someone who went to jail for beating their daughter's rapist. It's not the sort of thing likely to lead to additional crime.

Sure they would. The record says 'Assault occasioning Grievous Bodily Harm' not 'Beat his daughter's rapist'.

How would an employer come to know the circumstances of the assault? In the very unlikely event that they bothered to proceed to interview, why would they believe a convict's excuses for why he shouldn't have his crime taken into account?

Employers are generally looking for ANY reason not to hire a person - once they weed out the unqualified, they have to pick amongst the remaining qualified candidates, and that's not easy. Rejecting any candidates with prison time (or unexplained 'gaps' in their resume) is a no brainer.

Just maybe, if the guy was the only qualified applicant, maybe they might take a chance on employing him. Maybe.

 

[phands]

I would think most employers woudn't be too worried about hiring someone who went to jail for beating their daughter's rapist. It's not the sort of thing likely to lead to additional crime.

Not so. I was on Hiring Committee for Google when I worked there, and have hired literally thousands of people over the years. Most companies use external background check agencies nowadays, and the criteria is binary:- if felony, don't even interview.

 

[Tom Sawyer]

I would think most employers woudn't be too worried about hiring someone who went to jail for beating their daughter's rapist. It's not the sort of thing likely to lead to additional crime.

Not so. I was on Hiring Committee for Google when I worked there, and have hired literally thousands of people over the years. Most companies use external background check agencies nowadays, and the criteria is binary:- if felony, don't even interview.

Ya, if someone checks the "felony" box, they don't get far enough along in the interview process to have a background check done to find out what the nature of the felony is and they never talk to anyone to be able to explain the situation because all the interviewers are busy talking to people who didn't check that box.

The employers' level of worry about the nature of particular felonies doesn't become relevant if they never get into a position to decide whether or not to worry about it.

 

[TSwizzle]

Not so. I was on Hiring Committee for Google when I worked there, and have hired literally thousands of people over the years. Most companies use external background check agencies nowadays, and the criteria is binary:- if felony, don't even interview.

Understandable. The company I work for is not so stringent. Our facilities are located quite close to a couple of prisons and we have employed all sorts of felons. We had a supervisor who was out on parole, she had been convicted of murdering her abusive husband. I met her in a meeting and she was very nice, I didn't know about her conviction until after I met her. We have a staff member who was convicted of a felony while employed here, they went to the big house for about nine months and was out on parole with an ankle bracelet monitor for another six months. We hired the person when they were released and in total they have been with the company about 20 years. In general, the felons are only employed for a short while, they tend to get hauled back to prison at some point. Obviously a different industry to Google but the work is low skill, manual labor type stuff and we just need bodies.

Edit: I just remembered we also have a staff member who is on the sex offenders register. I know that person reasonably well, can't say I am shocked.