Joke gallery

[Atheos]

What is the opposite of formaldehyde?



Casualdejekyll.

 

[ZiprHead]

What is the opposite of formaldehyde?



Casualdejekyll.

groan...

 

[angelo]

Double groan........

 

[angelo]

How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.

 

[Tigers!]

Apparently one of the symptoms of Covid-19 is a lack of taste.
Looking back at my ex-girlfriends and ex-wives I must have had Covid-19 for decades.

 

[SLD]

Apparently one of the symptoms of Covid-19 is a lack of taste.
Looking back at my ex-girlfriends and ex-wives I must have had Covid-19 for decades.

Or they did.

 

[angelo]

Apparently one of the symptoms of Covid-19 is a lack of taste.
Looking back at my ex-girlfriends and ex-wives I must have had Covid-19 for decades.

Christ, how many have you had? I would've thought one would give up after 2-3 max!

 

[angelo]

 

[Tigers!]

Apparently one of the symptoms of Covid-19 is a lack of taste.
Looking back at my ex-girlfriends and ex-wives I must have had Covid-19 for decades.

Or they did.

Shh. Don't burst my bubble.

 

[4321lynx]

Apparently one of the symptoms of Covid-19 is a lack of taste.
Looking back at my ex-girlfriends and ex-wives I must have had Covid-19 for decades.

Christ, how many have you had? I would've thought one would give up after 2-3 max!

Yes,,, It is said that even a second marriage represents the triumph of hope over experience,

 

[angelo]

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”
“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just plain lazy.”
The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

 

[Tigers!]

A test for Covid-19

Take a clean glass and pour a measure of your favourite tipple.
See if you can smell it. If so you are half-way there.
Drink it to and if you can taste then it is reasonable to assume you are currently Covid free.

I tested myself 7 times and was Covid free each time. Praise God.

But i will have to test myself again this morning as I have a headache, which can also be one of the symptoms.

 

[angelo]

A test for Covid-19

Take a clean glass and pour a measure of your favourite tipple.
See if you can smell it. If so you are half-way there.
Drink it to and if you can taste then it is reasonable to assume you are currently Covid free.

I tested myself 7 times and was Covid free each time. Praise God.

But i will have to test myself again this morning as I have a headache, which can also be one of the symptoms.

 

[Wiploc]

I don't know where I got this, so I'm hoping it wasn't from this thread:

"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."

 

[angelo]

This classic has been around for years.
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina l**s are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she is embarrassed and does not want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from the operation and finds three roses carefully placed on her nightstand. Outraged, she immediately calls the doctor and says ” I told you not to tell anyone!” The doctor replies, “Don’t worry, I didn’t tell a soul!” When the woman inquires about the roses the doctor says, “Oh, those! The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me with your operation and has been through this procedure herself, so she understands what you’re going through. And the third rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.
And in the same vein...............


Then then there was the woman who went to her gynecologist for a check up. After getting her up on the examination table and in stirrups, he exclaims : " This is the biggest vagina Iv'e even seen....seen....seen. "

" Alright says the woman, you don't have to repeat it over and over!"

The Doc says " I didn't! "

 

[SLD]

Whenever my kleptomania gets out of control, I take something for it.

 

[angelo]

Whenever my kleptomania gets out of control, I take something for it.

You couldn't by any chance get me a new Android 10" tablet next time could you?

 

[Tigers!]

For the first time in my life I will not get to Europe this year because of a virus.

Normally i don't go because I can't afford it.

 

[George S]

If you run in front of a car you may get tired. Run behind a car and you may get exhausted.

 

[angelo]

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, " I will after you explain the kids!"

 

[SLD]

Pick pocketing on elevators is wrong on so many levels.

 

[WAB]

Aussie 1: 2020 has been one awful year.
Aussie 2: I hear you. It's like the world has turned right side up.

 

[angelo]

What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.

 

[Tigers!]

Public health warning -

If someone offers to take your temperature when entering a supermarket be wary. They seems to scramble your memory.

I went to the supermarket to get milk and bread. Had my temperature taken.
Came out with gin, tonic and chocolates.

 

[angelo]

Same thing happened to me. Only I came out with a carton of beer when I actually went in there to buy a jar of Vegemite!

 

[Tigers!]

Same thing happened to me. Only I came out with a carton of beer when I actually went in there to buy a jar of Vegemite!

(Most non-Australians would consider that to be a reasonable swap)

 

[Tigers!]

My wife finally said sorry for the first time in our marriage.

"I'm sorry I married you" she said.

 

[none]

marriage is not a word it is a sentence

 

[angelo]

One could get around a 10-15 years sentence for murder. But life for marriage.

 

[James Brown]

The waitress shouted, "Does anyone know CPR?!?!"

From my booth, I raised my hand. "Heck, I know the whole alphabet."

Everybody laughed.

Well, except this one guy.

 

[angelo]

Guy standing at a bar was eyeing off this delicious and shapely woman with skin tight pants on next to him. " Excuse me for starring, but I was wondering how do you get into your pants?"

She replies : " Well, you can start by buying me a gin and tonic."

 

[Tigers!]

In primary school we had a Miss Turtle as a teacher.
A strange name but she tortoise us very well

 

[Elixir]

In primary school we had a Miss Turtle as a teacher.
A strange name but she tortoise us very well

So, you were in the slow class?

 

[Atheos]

Did anyone ask her how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop? If so did she refer them to Miss Owl?

 

[angelo]

I apologise in advance if I've posted this before.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. "My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

 

[Tigers!]

Q: What did the platypus say after it had brought some lipstick?

Show

A: Put it on my bill

 

[zorq]

Q: What did the platypus say after it had brought bought some lipstick?

Show

A: Put it on my bill

Spelling is crucial to comedy. Typos kill jokes.

Speaking of spelling...

I bet I can spell your mom's name with just two letters!

Show

E Z

 

[Tigers!]

I found $30 in a car park
WWJD?

Show

I turned it into wine.

 

[angelo]

I found $30 in a car park
WWJD?

Show

I turned it into wine.

It's a miracle! Jesus, WTH have you been for the last 2000 odd years!

 

[angelo]

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

 

[Tigers!]

A man was on his first aeroplane flight.
He told the hostess that he had heard about the bad ear troubles some people had. Did she had any ideas?
Take this chewing gum. It always works, she said.

At the end of the flight the man said that the chewy worked but how does he get it out of his ears?

 

[angelo]

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

 

[DrZoidberg]

"I'm always frank and earnest with women. Uh, in New York I'm Frank, and Chicago I'm Ernest"
Mitch Hennesey

 

[Tigers!]

"I'm always frank and earnest with women. Uh, in New York I'm Frank, and Chicago I'm Ernest"
Mitch Hennesey

When are you Shirley?

 

[DrZoidberg]

Wisdom

 

[angelo]

 

[Tigers!]

My wife is upset with me for forgetting her birthday yesterday.

I didn't even know it was her birthday.

 

[Tigers!]

Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and Jack the Ripper have in common (apart from being English)

Show

They both the the same middle name.

 

[James Brown]

English is weird. It can be mastered through tough thorough thought, though.

Before they met, I told my mother that my girlfriend is deaf, so speak slowly and loudly.
But first I told my girlfriend that my mother is retarded.

How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult?

How do you know you're old? People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. That's when I finally put my foot down.

I really hate it when I'm stuck behind some stupid old fart and then I realize we went to high school together.

When the chair was invented, the inventor’s friend wanted to know what it did. The inventor replied: "You might want to sit down for this."

 

[Wiploc]

How do you know you're old? People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

I've taken to answering, "No, I always sound like this."