Joke gallery

[Atheos]

I used to reply, "No worries, I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

 

[hyzer]

How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult?

Idioms can be really hard to comprehend to the non-native English speakers. I worked with a woman who grew up in the USSR. She constantly got these mixed up:

When some one was joking with her she would say "You are really pushing my leg".

And then that person would laugh and say, "you mean "pulling my leg"" to which she would reply "you are pulling your luck now!"

 

[Tigers!]

I've been reading a book about making a happy marriage.

In it they say to treat your wife like you used to do on the 1st date.

Splendid idea.
After tea I will take my wife back to her parent's place.

 

[Tigers!]

It was raining heavily.
In the tree what did the female owl say to the male?

Show

To wet to woo

 

[Tigers!]

Q: What sounds like a sneeze but is made of leather?

Show

A shoe

 

[Tigers!]

When daylight savings comes into Britain how do they reset Stonehenge?

 

[gmbteach]

The NBN!

 

[Politesse]

When daylight savings comes into Britain how do they reset Stonehenge?

They don't, because Stonehenge is a more accurate solar clock than the modern calendar to begin with.

 

[Keith&Co.]

When daylight savings comes into Britain how do they reset Stonehenge?

Having witnessed the quartermaster setting the Zulu-time clocks to Daylight Savings more than three times, i cannot say this is a stupid question.
I mean, it _is_, but i have seen some shite, and can no longer respond from the position that the necessary knowledge is to be expected.

 

[ZiprHead]

Just left Walmart where a lady with a basket full of TP asked me what kind of dog I had. I said a service dog. Very rudely she yells what type of service? I said he is a BLD. What's a BLD? She asked as she is allowing my dog to lick her face. With a straight face I said "He is my butt licking dog ( BLD ). I can't find any toilet paper anywhere because of people like you hoarding the TP so he licks my ass clean... The cashier lost it and walked away from the register.

 

[ruby sparks]

Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading towards his Limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret agent, new on the job, shouts, 'Mickey Mouse!'

This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and says, 'what made you shout Mickey Mouse?'

Blushing, the agent replies....

Show

'I got nervous. I meant to Shout Donald Duck!'.

 

[George S]

The three stages of aging:
Tri-weekly
Try weekly
Try weakly

 

[Tigers!]

Cheesy Dad jokes

Q: What is the best cheese to get a bear out of a tree?

Show

Come-on-bear

Q: What cheese can hide a horse?

Show

Mask-a-pony

 

[Loren Pechtel]

Why are locomotive such sluts?

Show

Because they're always pulling trains

 

[Keith&Co.]

Why are locomotive such sluts?

Show

Because they're always pulling trains

I thought it was because they were linking up all over the country.

 

[Atheos]

... or maybe because "everyone can take a ride."

 

[Elixir]

... or maybe because "everyone can take a ride."

Something about a caboose ... never mind.

 

[WAB]

Why are locomotive such sluts?

Show

Because they're always pulling trains

Because they're steamy and fast?

 

[ZiprHead]

Why did the art thief's van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Show

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

 

[Tigers!]

Putin send a condolence letter to the family of Sir Sean Connery upon his recent dying.

It was signed "From Russia with love".

 

[ZiprHead]

Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them."

'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."

"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."

"Well, we have them, and you could have."

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"

"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't!"

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

 

[Politesse]

Haha, they actually do that in Las Vegas. I once spent the night in a $30 room... that charged a $75 "Amenities Fee".

 

[ZiprHead]

The New Yorker firing Jeffrey Toobin has to be rough on him, because he's spent the past 3 weeks trying to beat off his critics.

 

[ZiprHead]

What are those things you blow on and make wishes?

Breathalyzers.

 

[James Brown]

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it, because nobody else did.

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Welcome to Twitter - if you are not already following a mom who drinks wine one will be assigned to you.

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I'll never forget my grandpa's final words, "Stop shaking the ladder, you dumb fart!"

 

[ZiprHead]

 

[Elixir]

Haha, they actually do that in Las Vegas. I once spent the night in a $30 room... that charged a $75 "Amenities Fee".

For three weeks I've been wondering what amenities you failed to take advantage of.
Care to share?

 

[Politesse]

Haha, they actually do that in Las Vegas. I once spent the night in a $30 room... that charged a $75 "Amenities Fee".

For three weeks I've been wondering what amenities you failed to take advantage of.
Care to share?

If I knew that, I wouldn't have been so annoyed. The real kicker was that in addition to the "amenities", they also has an additional recreation fee if you wanted to go up their tower (this was the Stratosphere in it's pre "The Strat" days) and even more fees if you wanted to go on the rides that are up there. Likewise the casino is a place one spends money, not where one is credited it. So the amenities did not, apparently, include any of the obvious entertainment features of their facility. Suffice it to say if there was supposed to be a free rent boy, he clearly failed to show, but given as I was there with my not-very-adventurous new wife, perhaps that is for the best.

Full disclosure: I have never liked the Strip to begin with, and was only staying there because it seemingly the cheapest room still available for hundreds of miles at the late hour when I needed it. I'm probably not the right personality to really enjoy the festivities in the spirit with which they are intended, haha. Though, more in the vein of a joke thread, there was this one time when I found myself sharing a booth at a Nevada steakhouse with a anglican minister, a rabbi, and a geologist. We all got hammered.

 

[Loren Pechtel]

Haha, they actually do that in Las Vegas. I once spent the night in a $30 room... that charged a $75 "Amenities Fee".

For three weeks I've been wondering what amenities you failed to take advantage of.
Care to share?

If I knew that, I wouldn't have been so annoyed. The real kicker was that in addition to the "amenities", they also has an additional recreation fee if you wanted to go up their tower (this was the Stratosphere in it's pre "The Strat" days) and even more fees if you wanted to go on the rides that are up there. Likewise the casino is a place one spends money, not where one is credited it. So the amenities did not, apparently, include any of the obvious entertainment features of their facility. Suffice it to say if there was supposed to be a free rent boy, he clearly failed to show, but given as I was there with my not-very-adventurous new wife, perhaps that is for the best.

Full disclosure: I have never liked the Strip to begin with, and was only staying there because it seemingly the cheapest room still available for hundreds of miles at the late hour when I needed it. I'm probably not the right personality to really enjoy the festivities in the spirit with which they are intended, haha. Though, more in the vein of a joke thread, there was this one time when I found myself sharing a booth at a Nevada steakhouse with a anglican minister, a rabbi, and a geologist. We all got hammered.

1) The Stratosphere is not part of the strip.

2) You fell into the trap those amenity fees are for--you picked the cheapest room without looking at the actual cost. If the Democrats get the senate maybe something can be done about it.

 

[Politesse]

If I knew that, I wouldn't have been so annoyed. The real kicker was that in addition to the "amenities", they also has an additional recreation fee if you wanted to go up their tower (this was the Stratosphere in it's pre "The Strat" days) and even more fees if you wanted to go on the rides that are up there. Likewise the casino is a place one spends money, not where one is credited it. So the amenities did not, apparently, include any of the obvious entertainment features of their facility. Suffice it to say if there was supposed to be a free rent boy, he clearly failed to show, but given as I was there with my not-very-adventurous new wife, perhaps that is for the best.

Full disclosure: I have never liked the Strip to begin with, and was only staying there because it seemingly the cheapest room still available for hundreds of miles at the late hour when I needed it. I'm probably not the right personality to really enjoy the festivities in the spirit with which they are intended, haha. Though, more in the vein of a joke thread, there was this one time when I found myself sharing a booth at a Nevada steakhouse with a anglican minister, a rabbi, and a geologist. We all got hammered.

1) The Stratosphere is not part of the strip.

2) You fell into the trap those amenity fees are for--you picked the cheapest room without looking at the actual cost. If the Democrats get the senate maybe something can be done about it.

I was only twenty-one.

And I contest your definition of "The Strip". I'm more of a functionalist than a structuralist.

 

[Loren Pechtel]

If I knew that, I wouldn't have been so annoyed. The real kicker was that in addition to the "amenities", they also has an additional recreation fee if you wanted to go up their tower (this was the Stratosphere in it's pre "The Strat" days) and even more fees if you wanted to go on the rides that are up there. Likewise the casino is a place one spends money, not where one is credited it. So the amenities did not, apparently, include any of the obvious entertainment features of their facility. Suffice it to say if there was supposed to be a free rent boy, he clearly failed to show, but given as I was there with my not-very-adventurous new wife, perhaps that is for the best.

Full disclosure: I have never liked the Strip to begin with, and was only staying there because it seemingly the cheapest room still available for hundreds of miles at the late hour when I needed it. I'm probably not the right personality to really enjoy the festivities in the spirit with which they are intended, haha. Though, more in the vein of a joke thread, there was this one time when I found myself sharing a booth at a Nevada steakhouse with a anglican minister, a rabbi, and a geologist. We all got hammered.

1) The Stratosphere is not part of the strip.

2) You fell into the trap those amenity fees are for--you picked the cheapest room without looking at the actual cost. If the Democrats get the senate maybe something can be done about it.

I was only twenty-one.

And I contest your definition of "The Strip". I'm more of a functionalist than a structuralist.

Sahara is considered to be the north end of "The Strip"--from that point south it's almost all megacasinos, north of Sahara there's only the Stratosphere until you get to Fremont Street. If it's anything it's downtown.

 

[James Brown]

Given the year we've had, I'm ready to start using the word 'precedented' again.

 

[C_Mucius_Scaevola]

This one I heard told by John Cooper Clarke.

A man goes to get his hair cut. While cutting it, the barber makes small talk, as they do.

"So, going on holiday this year?"

"Yes, I'm off to Italy for a fortnight."

"Oooh, Italy. Don't bother. Me and the wife went last year. What do you want to go to Italy for anyway?"

"I like Italian food."

"Meh. It's all fish and chip shops and burger bars."

"Well, I'm going for the sunshine."

"Ha! It pissed down every day when we were there."

"Well, look, I've got a penchant for Romanesque architecture."

"You can't see it. Everywhere you look, it's corrugated iron hiding everything. They're renovating or something. Romanesque architecture is out of the question."

"Look, the real reason I want to go to Italy is, me and the wife want to see the pope, just once before we die."

"You'll be lucky. You'll be stood there in St Peter's Square with 65 million of the other faithful. You'll be lucky if you see the top of his hat."

"Well, I've got the tickets now, they're non-refundable, I can't get out of it."

So he comes back from Italy about a month later, goes back to the same barber's.

The barber says, "Aren't you the guy who was going to Italy?"

"Yes."

"How'd it go?"

"We had a great time. The food was fantastic. Sunshine, magnificent. The Romanesque architecture has to be seen to be believed."

"And what about the pope?"

"Well, I'll tell you about that. I was stood in St Peter's Square with 65 million other Catholics. I could just make out the top of his hat, when he points his bejewelled staff my way. The crowd parted, to a man. He came down the stairs and walked right up to me, and do you know what he said to me?"

"What did he say?"

"He said, who cut your fucking hair?"

 

[ZiprHead]

[YOUTUBE]https://youtu.be/JJTOSjmqlmg[/YOUTUBE]

 

[SLD]

Told my religious advisor that I believed there is a 12.5% chance that God exists.

He said that makes me an eighth-iest

 

[ruby sparks]

I just found out my neighbours are anorexic agoraphobics.

I'm guessing they have a few skeletons in the closet.

 

[ruby sparks]

I bought my wife a home botox kit for xmas.

So that's the last time she'll look surprised then.

 

[ZiprHead]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

[bilby]

Moped - n.

A small motorcycle, particularly one with pedals as well as an engine.

"After his wife left him, Joe just moped around the house"

 

[Wiploc]

Moped - n.

A small motorcycle, particularly one with pedals as well as an engine.

"After his wife left him, Joe just moped around the house"

He let himself go.

 

[Tigers!]

In Australia we will very soon be given a Covid vaccine. There will be 2 of them, AstraZeneca & Pfizer.

After careful consideration I will take the Pfizer.

Q: Why will you take the Pfizer?

Show

A: If Pfizer can make the dead or nearly dead come to life they should be able to look after the living.

=====

For 2000 years 30 pieces of silver has been the price of betrayal. Now in the USA it has been debased to 1 (one) Pence.

 

[ZiprHead]

 

[Tigers!]

I went Chopin earlier but I forgot my Liszt...I guess I'll go Bach later.


My dog's 2 favourite composers are Bach and Offenbach.

 

[SLD]

Went to the doctor today. He asked me what was wrong. I said, “Doc, I’m having this recurring dream: I’m a teepee, and then I’m a wigwam, then a teepee, and then a wigwam again, over and over.” The doctor said, “That’s an easy diagnosis: You’re two tents.”

 

[ideologyhunter]

I went Chopin earlier but I forgot my Liszt...I guess I'll go Bach later.


My dog's 2 favourite composers are Bach and Offenbach.

And the chickens in the yard? Their choice is "Bach, Bach, Bach!"
(just to go you one worse)

 

[ideologyhunter]

Try doing a good deed...my friend's beagle died, so I went out and got her an identical dog.
She started shrieking at me: "What the fuck will I do with two dead beagles?"

 

[George S]

How do you make a dead baby float?

With lemonade. And two scoops.

 

[ZiprHead]

How do you make a dead baby float?

With lemonade. And two scoops.

Do you leave everything whole or do you put everything in a blender and make a baby smoothie?

 

[ZiprHead]

Scientists have successfully grown human vocal chords in a petri dish. The results speak for themselves.

 

[George S]

Drunk: ‘This bar has got to be the asshole of the world.’
Bartender: ‘Right. So you're just passing through?’