Joke gallery

[Tigers!]

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.


. . .

Then the librarian told me to take it out!

Must have been the tiny items section.
Or the librarian could have slammed it shut on you. Bound periodicals would have a whole new meaning.

 

[Tigers!]

What is the collective noun for people waiting for a haircut?

A barber queue

 

[ZiprHead]

The James Webb Space Telescope can see so far into the past that scientists think it may be able to image the last fucks I gave.

 

[SLD]

 

[blastula]

What did Mr. Spock find in the ship's toilet?


The captain's log.

 

[ZiprHead]

 

[Tigers!]

A cattle farmer emigrated to Wales and opened a farm at Llanfairpwllqwyllgogerychwyrndrobwlllantysiliogogoch.

Sadly none of his cattle survived the branding.

 

[SLD]

Every girl is bi, just gotta figure out if it's polar or sexual

 

[blastula]

Every girl is bi, just gotta figure out if it's polar or sexual

You're fired.

 

[Tigers!]

Went to the paint store to get thinner.
Didn't work.

 

[bilby]

Apparently a number of Arab oil sheikhs have decided to make a large endowment for a new biophysics facility, which they intend to establish in the city of Manama.

Due to some translation difficulties and a lack of technical knowledge on the part of the money men, the centrepiece of the university will combine the high-energy atom smasher concept at the cutting edge of particle physics, with a more mundane agricultural study of local ground-nut production.

In an attempt to popularise the new campus with British and American students, they have enlisted composer and songwriter Rupert Holmes as a spokesman and recruiter; So, if you like peanut colliders, and getting taught in Bahrain…

 

[ZiprHead]

 

[TV and credit cards]

Well, at least it made me dance.

 

[Tigers!]

I retired yesterday for health reasons.

My boss was sick of me and I was sick of him.

 

[SLD]

 

[Tigers!]

There is an egg shortage in Victoria, Australia. Fowl play is suspected.

You know you are getting old when you have more toes than teeth.

People are so judgemental. I can tell but just looking at them.

 

[Gospel]

A pyrotechnician walked into a hair salon and then left with a bang.

 

[Gospel]

It's generally viewed that cheesy jokes aren't always funny but it's a first for me to see an angry response.

 

[spikepipsqueak]

It's the correct response to jokes of that calibre.

Be proud

 

[Tigers!]

My friend and I have a competition to see who can steal the most from the pet shop.

I have taken the lead

 

[C_Mucius_Scaevola]

 

[SLD]

Seen on a resume: “Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents.”

What did they do?

Show

Changed a light bulb.

 

[Elixir]

It's generally viewed that cheesy jokes aren't always funny but it's a first for me to see an angry response.

At the last forum where I moderated, there was another moderator who responded to jokes like that by reminding the offending poster that he was a lawyer with CCP and alway had a shovel in the trunk of his car.

 

[TV and credit cards]

The Japanese warrior opted for a career change and opened a sandwich shop. He called it The Last Ham on Rye.

 

[Tigers!]

My iPhone was not saving data.
I changed its name to Titanic and now it is synching well.

 

[Tigers!]

A naked man was seen running down the street. When arrested police were unable to pin anything on him.

I yelled "cow" to the women on her bike.
She gave me the finger and doubted my parentage.
She still managed to hit it.
Well, I tried my best.

 

[SLD]

Jesus walks into a bar . . .

he sees a man sitting there with a large glass of water in front of him. He goes up to him and says, “Son, Are you a believer?”

The man replies gruffly, “No.”

Jesus waives his hand and instantly the glass turns into wine. “Now are you a believer?”

The man just mumbles and walks away. The next day, Jesus returns to the bar and sees the same man there with a glass of water and again asks, “Son, are you a believer?“

Again the man gruffly replies, “No!”

And again Jesus waives his hand and instantly the man has a glass of wine in front of him. “NOW are you a believer?” The man just mumbles under his breath and walks away.

The third day, Jesus goes back and sees the man again with a glass of water. “My son, are you a believer now?”

The man replies, “Look, if say “Yes” will you just leave my vodka alone?”

 

[Kylie]

Want to hear a dirty joke?

The boy fell in the mud.


Want to hear a clean one?

He had a bath.

Want to hear another clean joke? He had Bubbles in the bath.

Want to hear another dirty joke? Bubbles was the girl from next door.

 

[Tigers!]

Just finished my petrol tank for $22. Dont know what the fuss is all about.

I should be able to mow my lawn for the next 4 times.

 

[SLD]

 

[spikepipsqueak]

Me too. I'm using that.

 

[SLD]

Insect puns really bug me.

 

[bilby]

Insect puns really bug me.

People who confuse entomology with etymology bug me in ways I cannot put into words.

 

[James Brown]

If you feel guilty for not keeping up with your quiet time, then you might be an evangelical.

If you have strong opinions about when, precisely, Amy Grant “sold out,” then you might be an evangelical.

If the first time you saw your uncle’s shot-glass collection, you wondered where he got all those fancy communion cups, then …

If you’ve never been skiing without rededicating your life to Christ at a bonfire afterwards, then …

If you’ve lost track of the number of “re-s” you need to add before “re-re-rededicate your life to Christ,” then …

If your favorite painters are Thomas Kinkade and Warner Sallman, then …

If you’ve ever forgotten to set your clock back at the end of Daylight Savings Time and your first thought at seeing the empty church parking lot was, “Oh no, I’ve missed the Rapture,” then …

If you never watched “Highway to Heaven,” not because it was too preachy, but because it aired on Wednesday nights, then …

If you knew that “Wednesday nights” in the previous joke was a reference to prayer meeting, then …

If you’ve ever tried to calculate the size of a tip in a restaurant based on how it would influence the waitress’s receptivity to the gospel tract you left with it, then …

“I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.” If you just shouted, “Where?” then …

If you’ve ever seriously discussed whether using tabs constitutes cheating at Sword Drills, then …

If your answer to the question “What Would Jesus Do?” is “He would wear a T-shirt that says, ‘WWJD?'” then …

If you’ve ever been to a pot-luck dinner featuring more than three varieties of Jell-o salad with shaved carrots and mini-marshmallows, then …

If you’ve ever played the tambourine while wearing a tie, then …

If your gaydar is so bad that you think your choir director just needs to meet the right godly woman, then …

If you can’t look at Kente cloth without thinking what those colors stand for in The Wordless Book, then …

If you’ve ever informed someone you’ve just met that they deserve to suffer in Hell for eternity, and you said this without a trace of anger, then …

If the last rock concert you went to included an altar call, then …

If you own any clothing or accessories that you regard as “a witnessing tool,” then …

If you think the phrase “a witnessing tool” refers to something that’s good to have rather than someone it’s bad to be, then …

If praying in public makes you talk like a 17th-century Quaker, then …

If two acoustic guitars and a Yamaha DX7 keyboard are your idea of a “rock band,” then …

If the only High Church figure you don’t regard with suspicion is Bishop Ussher, then …

If you think that there’s nothing supernatural about the bread and wine during communion, but that there is something supernatural about a Ouija board made by Parker Brothers, then …

If your idea of communion wine is made by Welch’s, then …

If you know what burning vinyl smells like, then …

If your boss tells you you’re going to have to go on furlough and your first thought is that you’ll need to prepare a slideshow for the Sunday evening service, then …

If a sentence beginning “Lord, we just, Lord, want to thank you Lord, for just, Lord, just …” doesn’t strike you as either atrocious grammar or a speech impediment, then …

If you’ve ever thought of TMZ as kind of like a prayer list for Hollywood starlets, then …

If the words “submissive” and “head” make you think of gender, but not of sex, then …

If you think saying grace loudly is a good way to witness at The Olive Garden, then …

If you’ve ever discussed whether The Flintstones was set before or after Noah’s flood, then …

If your fantasy football team was selected based on the personal testimony of the players, then …


Stolen from Fred Clark

 

[hurtinbuckaroo]

If you feel guilty for not keeping up with your quiet time, then you might be an evangelical.

If you have strong opinions about when, precisely, Amy Grant “sold out,” then you might be an evangelical.

If the first time you saw your uncle’s shot-glass collection, you wondered where he got all those fancy communion cups, then …

If you’ve never been skiing without rededicating your life to Christ at a bonfire afterwards, then …

If you’ve lost track of the number of “re-s” you need to add before “re-re-rededicate your life to Christ,” then …

If your favorite painters are Thomas Kinkade and Warner Sallman, then …

If you’ve ever forgotten to set your clock back at the end of Daylight Savings Time and your first thought at seeing the empty church parking lot was, “Oh no, I’ve missed the Rapture,” then …

If you never watched “Highway to Heaven,” not because it was too preachy, but because it aired on Wednesday nights, then …

If you knew that “Wednesday nights” in the previous joke was a reference to prayer meeting, then …

If you’ve ever tried to calculate the size of a tip in a restaurant based on how it would influence the waitress’s receptivity to the gospel tract you left with it, then …

“I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.” If you just shouted, “Where?” then …

If you’ve ever seriously discussed whether using tabs constitutes cheating at Sword Drills, then …

If your answer to the question “What Would Jesus Do?” is “He would wear a T-shirt that says, ‘WWJD?'” then …

If you’ve ever been to a pot-luck dinner featuring more than three varieties of Jell-o salad with shaved carrots and mini-marshmallows, then …

If you’ve ever played the tambourine while wearing a tie, then …

If your gaydar is so bad that you think your choir director just needs to meet the right godly woman, then …

If you can’t look at Kente cloth without thinking what those colors stand for in The Wordless Book, then …

If you’ve ever informed someone you’ve just met that they deserve to suffer in Hell for eternity, and you said this without a trace of anger, then …

If the last rock concert you went to included an altar call, then …

If you own any clothing or accessories that you regard as “a witnessing tool,” then …

If you think the phrase “a witnessing tool” refers to something that’s good to have rather than someone it’s bad to be, then …

If praying in public makes you talk like a 17th-century Quaker, then …

If two acoustic guitars and a Yamaha DX7 keyboard are your idea of a “rock band,” then …

If the only High Church figure you don’t regard with suspicion is Bishop Ussher, then …

If you think that there’s nothing supernatural about the bread and wine during communion, but that there is something supernatural about a Ouija board made by Parker Brothers, then …

If your idea of communion wine is made by Welch’s, then …

If you know what burning vinyl smells like, then …

If your boss tells you you’re going to have to go on furlough and your first thought is that you’ll need to prepare a slideshow for the Sunday evening service, then …

If a sentence beginning “Lord, we just, Lord, want to thank you Lord, for just, Lord, just …” doesn’t strike you as either atrocious grammar or a speech impediment, then …

If you’ve ever thought of TMZ as kind of like a prayer list for Hollywood starlets, then …

If the words “submissive” and “head” make you think of gender, but not of sex, then …

If you think saying grace loudly is a good way to witness at The Olive Garden, then …

If you’ve ever discussed whether The Flintstones was set before or after Noah’s flood, then …

If your fantasy football team was selected based on the personal testimony of the players, then …


Stolen from Fred Clark

Jesus Christ.

 

[SLD]

I heard that the serial flasher was going to retire but decided to stick it out for another year.

 

[Tigers!]

Why are chickens not allowed to pray in church?

Their fowl language

 

[ZiprHead]

I once was responsible for importing a poodle from Paris. At customs, I paid the import fee, but didn’t clean up after the dog made a mess. Yes, I bought the tariff, but I did not scoop the pet doody.

I'll leave now.