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Tigers!

Veteran Member
Joined
Sep 20, 2005
Messages
3,176
Location
On the wing waiting for a kick.
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Bible believing revelational redemptionist (Baptist)
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.


. . .

Then the librarian told me to take it out!
Must have been the tiny items section.
Or the librarian could have slammed it shut on you. Bound periodicals would have a whole new meaning.
 

ZiprHead

Loony Running The Asylum
Staff member
Joined
Oct 23, 2002
Messages
32,025
Location
Frozen in Michigan
Gender
Old Fart
Basic Beliefs
Democratic Socialist Atheist
The James Webb Space Telescope can see so far into the past that scientists think it may be able to image the last fucks I gave.
 

blastula

Contributor
Joined
Apr 14, 2006
Messages
8,251
Gender
Late for dinner
Basic Beliefs
Gnostic atheist
What did Mr. Spock find in the ship's toilet?


The captain's log.
 

bilby

Fair dinkum thinkum
Joined
Mar 7, 2007
Messages
28,232
Location
The Sunshine State: The one with Crocs, not Gators
Gender
He/Him
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Strong Atheist
Apparently a number of Arab oil sheikhs have decided to make a large endowment for a new biophysics facility, which they intend to establish in the city of Manama.

Due to some translation difficulties and a lack of technical knowledge on the part of the money men, the centrepiece of the university will combine the high-energy atom smasher concept at the cutting edge of particle physics, with a more mundane agricultural study of local ground-nut production.

In an attempt to popularise the new campus with British and American students, they have enlisted composer and songwriter Rupert Holmes as a spokesman and recruiter; So, if you like peanut colliders, and getting taught in Bahrain…
 

Tigers!

Veteran Member
Joined
Sep 20, 2005
Messages
3,176
Location
On the wing waiting for a kick.
Basic Beliefs
Bible believing revelational redemptionist (Baptist)
There is an egg shortage in Victoria, Australia. Fowl play is suspected.

You know you are getting old when you have more toes than teeth.

People are so judgemental. I can tell but just looking at them.
 

Gospel

Unify Africa
Joined
Oct 22, 2007
Messages
3,481
Location
Florida
Gender
B====D
Basic Beliefs
Agnostic
It's generally viewed that cheesy jokes aren't always funny but it's a first for me to see an angry response. :D
 

C_Mucius_Scaevola

Veteran Member
Joined
May 2, 2005
Messages
1,773
Location
Zaandam, NL
Basic Beliefs
Atheist
290529562_709716880136187_9161248974772777046_n.jpg
 

SLD

Veteran Member
Joined
Feb 26, 2001
Messages
3,901
Location
Birmingham, Alabama
Basic Beliefs
Freethinker
Seen on a resume: “Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents.”

What did they do?


Changed a light bulb.

 

Elixir

Made in America
Joined
Sep 23, 2012
Messages
21,294
Location
Mountains
Basic Beliefs
English is complicated
It's generally viewed that cheesy jokes aren't always funny but it's a first for me to see an angry response. :D
At the last forum where I moderated, there was another moderator who responded to jokes like that by reminding the offending poster that he was a lawyer with CCP and alway had a shovel in the trunk of his car.
 

Tigers!

Veteran Member
Joined
Sep 20, 2005
Messages
3,176
Location
On the wing waiting for a kick.
Basic Beliefs
Bible believing revelational redemptionist (Baptist)
A naked man was seen running down the street. When arrested police were unable to pin anything on him.

I yelled "cow" to the women on her bike.
She gave me the finger and doubted my parentage.
She still managed to hit it.
Well, I tried my best.
 

SLD

Veteran Member
Joined
Feb 26, 2001
Messages
3,901
Location
Birmingham, Alabama
Basic Beliefs
Freethinker
Jesus walks into a bar . . .

he sees a man sitting there with a large glass of water in front of him. He goes up to him and says, “Son, Are you a believer?”

The man replies gruffly, “No.”

Jesus waives his hand and instantly the glass turns into wine. “Now are you a believer?”

The man just mumbles and walks away. The next day, Jesus returns to the bar and sees the same man there with a glass of water and again asks, “Son, are you a believer?“

Again the man gruffly replies, “No!”

And again Jesus waives his hand and instantly the man has a glass of wine in front of him. “NOW are you a believer?” The man just mumbles under his breath and walks away.

The third day, Jesus goes back and sees the man again with a glass of water. “My son, are you a believer now?”

The man replies, “Look, if say “Yes” will you just leave my vodka alone?”
 

James Brown

Veteran Member
Joined
Dec 29, 2005
Messages
3,591
Location
Texas
Basic Beliefs
Agnostic Atheist
If you feel guilty for not keeping up with your quiet time, then you might be an evangelical.

If you have strong opinions about when, precisely, Amy Grant “sold out,” then you might be an evangelical.

If the first time you saw your uncle’s shot-glass collection, you wondered where he got all those fancy communion cups, then …

If you’ve never been skiing without rededicating your life to Christ at a bonfire afterwards, then …

If you’ve lost track of the number of “re-s” you need to add before “re-re-rededicate your life to Christ,” then …

If your favorite painters are Thomas Kinkade and Warner Sallman, then …

If you’ve ever forgotten to set your clock back at the end of Daylight Savings Time and your first thought at seeing the empty church parking lot was, “Oh no, I’ve missed the Rapture,” then …

If you never watched “Highway to Heaven,” not because it was too preachy, but because it aired on Wednesday nights, then …

If you knew that “Wednesday nights” in the previous joke was a reference to prayer meeting, then …

If you’ve ever tried to calculate the size of a tip in a restaurant based on how it would influence the waitress’s receptivity to the gospel tract you left with it, then …

“I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.” If you just shouted, “Where?” then …

If you’ve ever seriously discussed whether using tabs constitutes cheating at Sword Drills, then …

If your answer to the question “What Would Jesus Do?” is “He would wear a T-shirt that says, ‘WWJD?'” then …

If you’ve ever been to a pot-luck dinner featuring more than three varieties of Jell-o salad with shaved carrots and mini-marshmallows, then …

If you’ve ever played the tambourine while wearing a tie, then …

If your gaydar is so bad that you think your choir director just needs to meet the right godly woman, then …

If you can’t look at Kente cloth without thinking what those colors stand for in The Wordless Book, then …

If you’ve ever informed someone you’ve just met that they deserve to suffer in Hell for eternity, and you said this without a trace of anger, then …

If the last rock concert you went to included an altar call, then …

If you own any clothing or accessories that you regard as “a witnessing tool,” then …

If you think the phrase “a witnessing tool” refers to something that’s good to have rather than someone it’s bad to be, then …

If praying in public makes you talk like a 17th-century Quaker, then …

If two acoustic guitars and a Yamaha DX7 keyboard are your idea of a “rock band,” then …

If the only High Church figure you don’t regard with suspicion is Bishop Ussher, then …

If you think that there’s nothing supernatural about the bread and wine during communion, but that there is something supernatural about a Ouija board made by Parker Brothers, then …

If your idea of communion wine is made by Welch’s, then …

If you know what burning vinyl smells like, then …

If your boss tells you you’re going to have to go on furlough and your first thought is that you’ll need to prepare a slideshow for the Sunday evening service, then …

If a sentence beginning “Lord, we just, Lord, want to thank you Lord, for just, Lord, just …” doesn’t strike you as either atrocious grammar or a speech impediment, then …

If you’ve ever thought of TMZ as kind of like a prayer list for Hollywood starlets, then …

If the words “submissive” and “head” make you think of gender, but not of sex, then …

If you think saying grace loudly is a good way to witness at The Olive Garden, then …

If you’ve ever discussed whether The Flintstones was set before or after Noah’s flood, then …

If your fantasy football team was selected based on the personal testimony of the players, then …


Stolen from Fred Clark
 

hurtinbuckaroo

Veteran Member
Joined
Mar 7, 2003
Messages
4,279
Location
Delaware, USA
Basic Beliefs
laissez le bon temps rouler
If you feel guilty for not keeping up with your quiet time, then you might be an evangelical.

If you have strong opinions about when, precisely, Amy Grant “sold out,” then you might be an evangelical.

If the first time you saw your uncle’s shot-glass collection, you wondered where he got all those fancy communion cups, then …

If you’ve never been skiing without rededicating your life to Christ at a bonfire afterwards, then …

If you’ve lost track of the number of “re-s” you need to add before “re-re-rededicate your life to Christ,” then …

If your favorite painters are Thomas Kinkade and Warner Sallman, then …

If you’ve ever forgotten to set your clock back at the end of Daylight Savings Time and your first thought at seeing the empty church parking lot was, “Oh no, I’ve missed the Rapture,” then …

If you never watched “Highway to Heaven,” not because it was too preachy, but because it aired on Wednesday nights, then …

If you knew that “Wednesday nights” in the previous joke was a reference to prayer meeting, then …

If you’ve ever tried to calculate the size of a tip in a restaurant based on how it would influence the waitress’s receptivity to the gospel tract you left with it, then …

“I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.” If you just shouted, “Where?” then …

If you’ve ever seriously discussed whether using tabs constitutes cheating at Sword Drills, then …

If your answer to the question “What Would Jesus Do?” is “He would wear a T-shirt that says, ‘WWJD?'” then …

If you’ve ever been to a pot-luck dinner featuring more than three varieties of Jell-o salad with shaved carrots and mini-marshmallows, then …

If you’ve ever played the tambourine while wearing a tie, then …

If your gaydar is so bad that you think your choir director just needs to meet the right godly woman, then …

If you can’t look at Kente cloth without thinking what those colors stand for in The Wordless Book, then …

If you’ve ever informed someone you’ve just met that they deserve to suffer in Hell for eternity, and you said this without a trace of anger, then …

If the last rock concert you went to included an altar call, then …

If you own any clothing or accessories that you regard as “a witnessing tool,” then …

If you think the phrase “a witnessing tool” refers to something that’s good to have rather than someone it’s bad to be, then …

If praying in public makes you talk like a 17th-century Quaker, then …

If two acoustic guitars and a Yamaha DX7 keyboard are your idea of a “rock band,” then …

If the only High Church figure you don’t regard with suspicion is Bishop Ussher, then …

If you think that there’s nothing supernatural about the bread and wine during communion, but that there is something supernatural about a Ouija board made by Parker Brothers, then …

If your idea of communion wine is made by Welch’s, then …

If you know what burning vinyl smells like, then …

If your boss tells you you’re going to have to go on furlough and your first thought is that you’ll need to prepare a slideshow for the Sunday evening service, then …

If a sentence beginning “Lord, we just, Lord, want to thank you Lord, for just, Lord, just …” doesn’t strike you as either atrocious grammar or a speech impediment, then …

If you’ve ever thought of TMZ as kind of like a prayer list for Hollywood starlets, then …

If the words “submissive” and “head” make you think of gender, but not of sex, then …

If you think saying grace loudly is a good way to witness at The Olive Garden, then …

If you’ve ever discussed whether The Flintstones was set before or after Noah’s flood, then …

If your fantasy football team was selected based on the personal testimony of the players, then …


Stolen from Fred Clark
Jesus Christ.
 

ZiprHead

Loony Running The Asylum
Staff member
Joined
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Messages
32,025
Location
Frozen in Michigan
Gender
Old Fart
Basic Beliefs
Democratic Socialist Atheist
I once was responsible for importing a poodle from Paris. At customs, I paid the import fee, but didn’t clean up after the dog made a mess. Yes, I bought the tariff, but I did not scoop the pet doody.

I'll leave now.
 

Tigers!

Veteran Member
Joined
Sep 20, 2005
Messages
3,176
Location
On the wing waiting for a kick.
Basic Beliefs
Bible believing revelational redemptionist (Baptist)
Imparting bad news

The soldiers were all lined up on the parade ground. The sergeant-major (SM) screams "Attention". The soldiers stamp their feet and spring to attention.
"Thomas" bellows the SM. Thomas steps forward - "Yes sah"
SM: "A telegram has arrived. Your wife has died."
Thomas sniffles but remains at attention.
The watching captain has a word with th SM suggesting a little more sensitivity delivering such news. "Bellowing your wife is dead is not the done thing".

A week later the soldiers were all lined up on the parade ground. The sergeant-major (SM) screams "Attention". The soldiers stamp their feet and spring to attention.
SM: "All married men step forward"
SM: "Harris! Why have you stepped forward?"
 

SLD

Veteran Member
Joined
Feb 26, 2001
Messages
3,901
Location
Birmingham, Alabama
Basic Beliefs
Freethinker
Three men were bragging about their sex life.

the first guy says, I made love to my girlfriend 5 times last night and this morning she cooked me pancakes for breakfast and said, “I love you.”

The second guy scoffs and says, I made love to my girlfriend last night six times, and in the morning she made me a huge breakfast and said she’d never leave me.

The third guy doesn’t say anything. But the other two pressed him, “How many times did you make love to your girlfriend?”

”Oh, just once,” he replied. The other two snicker and ask, “Well, what did she say to you in the morning?”

”Don’t stop.”
 
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