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Parenting Megathread

rousseau

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There is medication and then there is drugging up kids. It is important to be leery of just one of those things. The child psychiatrist had that "I've seen this 1000 times look with her', and the medication definitely works. I wish she could be on it all the time, because she is crazy impulsive. Unmedicated, there usually isn't a yes or no, it is a do. On medication, she thinks about yes or no on an action. Without it, not nearly as much. It wears after a while (years).

Don't sweat the speech until 3 years old, of course, read to them a lot and have lots of educational stuff for them to play with, but language can come early or late. And just because they aren't talking doesn't mean they aren't learning.

We've taken language pretty seriously since he was born since I know how critical it is in the early years of their life. We've been reading to him more or less everyday since birth, although it was a bit awkward at the beginning. We've also been adamant about absolutely no screens at any time, as I believe pediatric recommendations say to avoid this until they're four or five. So we're in a situation now where books have become his main form of entertainment, and consequently that's what he wants to do all day. A few weeks ago (while still on mat leave) my wife was getting annoyed because he kept bringing her book after book, all day long.

I did do a bit of research on speech red flags a few months ago, and I believe there were a few indicators for his age. By 15 months he should be using hand gestures, making a variety of sounds, and expressing a few words. He was saying a variant of 'mama' at around 11 months, and he now waves and makes plenty of sound, so it seems like we're on track. The aural issues were a bit worrying if not common, but we're seeing an Audiologist regularly so at least we can track it. Overall I'm not stressing myself over it, just closely watching and making sure we do the right things as time goes by.
 

Toni

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I used to be a bit leery about the idea of giving kids meds, but on second thought - if we're mainly preparing them for the modern workforce, and many adults take medications that allow them to participate in that workforce, giving them to kids isn't that far afield.

The speech thing is something I'm keeping a close eye on in our son too. My wife had language issues growing up, while my verbal skills were on the other side of the spectrum. But we've also found that our son had some mild hearing loss due to fluid in his ears, so I'm keeping an eye on how that's affecting things. He'll be a year on the 21st and currently says mama - that seems roughly normal, so who knows.

Good luck with your daughter, I guess you can only really prepare her to be the best version of herself.

My oldest son had an issue with fluid in his ears from the only ear infection he ever had. I actually had taken him to the doc right away when he was mildly feverish and tugged at his ear--something that is also present in teething. The doc found nothing, advised teething and he was really fine----and then a couple of weeks later, I realized he couldn't hear me when I was behind him, speaking softly. Since normally he had phenomenal hearing, I took him back to the doc and saw the other partner in the practice who said yes, fluid behind his ears to the extent that his hearing was compromised severely. It was cleared up by meds and I later discovered that my animus against the first doc was unwarranted as very early ear infections in young children often do not show in exam but are only apparent later.

This kid went on to the the boy who the teacher sat in the hall because he was so chatty and social and finally sat him next to a child with significant hearing impairment--which did not quiet him down but definitely helped bring the other child out of her shell.

He's extremely verbal, and verbally very witty and indeed, I am pretty sure his dream job would be stand up comedian. He's a lawyer instead.

It's good that the fluid was identified so early and likely it will cause zero issues down the road.

Oh, that son's favorite memories of his childhood are that we always read him books and that there was always music playing--sometimes classical but more often jazz and most often rock--but at decent levels. No loud stuff.

And yeah, I'm sure that when he's my age, he will regret all the loud concerts he has taken himself to. Note: he does wear some kind of special ear plugs that allow you to hear the music but not too loud.
 

southernhybrid

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There is medication and then there is drugging up kids. It is important to be leery of just one of those things. The child psychiatrist had that "I've seen this 1000 times look with her', and the medication definitely works. I wish she could be on it all the time, because she is crazy impulsive. Unmedicated, there usually isn't a yes or no, it is a do. On medication, she thinks about yes or no on an action. Without it, not nearly as much. It wears after a while (years).

Don't sweat the speech until 3 years old, of course, read to them a lot and have lots of educational stuff for them to play with, but language can come early or late. And just because they aren't talking doesn't mean they aren't learning.

I don't usually post in this thread, but I totally agree with Jimmy about speech. My son didn't talk until he was 3 and I was the one who had to teach him how to read, when his teacher couldn't do it, despite being an excellent teacher. He ended up graduating from college with honors with a degree in computer science and he still loves his work after over 20 years of coding. Point being, don't stress too much. I spoke in sentences at 13 months, but I'm a total idiot when it comes to technology and mechanical things. Everyone's readiness is a bit different.
 

Toni

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My wife is at the school with my daughter playing at the playground after school and she hears a few kids talking about our daughter and say she is "a little weird". My wife is a bit unsettled by this (she seems oblivious to our daughter's pro's and con's). I'm like, "yeah, she is". She is several standard deviations from the mean! But she is sharp, very intelligent, but a bit slower on the maturity, a lot due to her brain just being way too much for her to control. The medication has helped a lot with her behavior in class. In the micromanagement days of color for every student every day regarding behavior, she went from rainbow, but weighing more heavily towards naughty last year to generally being good, at worst. I had forgotten her medicine on two consecutive days, and her color score showed it.

But yeah, she is definitely absorbed in her own interpretation of the world. Barking at squirrels (she loves the Paw Patrol, though really outgrowing the show, though not the toys, which is fine) and just doing weird things. I try to tell my daughter that we need to get within 5 standard deviations of normal. I don't try to reel her in too much, because I understand this is about how she sees things, so for me it is about curbing wildly eccentric behavior (please stop barking) and accepting the rest.

Finally getting her into speech therapy. This year obviously was off on things, and was hoping her speech would improve, but it really hasn't and she continues making the same mistakes. Some of it is apparently oral issues with the tongue, others are her attentiveness for being too quick (the quick thing was a problem I had... she seems to have inherited a lot from me). Hoping with the speech therapy, her communication will help with the "weirdness" thing because if her peers can't understand her, yeah, that'll make them feel uncomfortable.

Speech therapy will be good for her and will likely knock off some of the 'weirdness' that other kids commented on. But she sounds very, very bright and creative and there is nothing wrong with being 'weird.' In fact, among certain groups of kids, weird is a highly respected trait. As she gets older, she will find her tribe. I think that in today's world, we too often embrace the mass produced thing over what is unique. We praise average and mainstream over creative and unique. Of course, we all have to find ways to fit into our world, into society but it should not be at the expense of being an individual. And of course, we as parents always want to protect our kids, eliminate whatever obstacles there might be. Sometimes, though, I think we're better if we teach our kids to surmount obstacles and better, which to surmount, which to ignore, which to avoid.

You sound like an amazing parent and your daughter is lucky to have you. She sounds bright and imaginative and creative. Maybe a little weird but???? I do understand you not wanting her to attract negative attention and to fit in. Barking at squirrels sounds..funny, not weird, to me. But I do understand. One of my nieces used to like to wear dog collars and leashes and would go under tables at preschool and bark at kids and the teacher. She was a perfectly lovely child with wonderful parents and a loving extended family and is a wonderful young woman, much more on the quiet side, with a bit of quirk if you are lucky enough to know her, much like her parents who are very, very quiet people but smart and funny, too. Still, wanting to wear dog collars and leashes at preschool does send up some red flags. Fortunately this was outgrown rather quickly. (Yes, they had a dog at home who wore a leash and collar and was occasionally kenneled...The dog was there when she was born so maybe she was imitating her 'older sibling?' Who knows? It's just another weird story to tease someone with, just as we like to tease my older sibling who was pronounced upon her initial visit with the pediatrician to be perhaps mentally retarded because her head was oddly shaped --through the birth process. Actually she holds advanced degrees in physics and mathematics. My father snatched her off the exam table, dared the doctor to bill them for the visit and never took any of us to a pediatrician again. But it's a funny story. Now.).

To varying degrees, most of us are weird in some way. To me, what is weird is shaving off and grinding down all of the sharp edges and fluffy bits and curliques in order to fit into some perfectly shaped cube dubbed normal. Or, as Oscar Wilde once noted: Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken. And to be honest, there is among some women, an entire movement and even industry on being your authentic self--letting go of unreasonable and undesirable expectations that are often placed on women.

But I understand: she has to get through school and hopefully make some friends and not distress teachers or distract them from addressing her academic and creative needs, which I would imagine are accelerated.

Since you mentioned chapter books, I'm sure you're already on to EB White's Charlotte's Web and Stuart Little and similar books that are well written and beloved by generations. Maurice Sendak has some funny books, but one which may or may not seem good for your daughter would be Really Rosie which has the benefit of being also a recorded musical.

The Hundred Dresses is excellent. So is almost anything Roald Dahl (although a bit scary/creepy), especially Matilda and The BFG. I myself was exceptionally fond of all kinds of myths and legends from all over the world, and of fairy tales, which are usually entertaining and often carry good lessons about kindness, diligence, faithfulness.

But I'm an old fart now and I'm sure there are many more modern books out there was well.

Speech therapy is a good idea but it's also not a big deal. Lots of kids need a bit of speech therapy at her age.
 

Jimmy Higgins

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Getting her to read can be tricky. She devours Dan Pilkey material, but that isn't exactly reading reading, but it is still reading so she has almost all of those books. We have her on the reboot of Amelia Bedelia, Ivy and Bean, Doreen Cronin's chicken squad stuff. We've read Dahl stuff for bedtime (James and the Giant Peach, Matilda, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory). Currently on book three (The Horse and His Boy) of the Narnia series. My wife doesn't appreciate the Chumley like voice for Bree or the Jar Jar Binx-esque voice for Aslan. Daughter likes it though.

When I was trying the discipline angle for her poor behavior in school, I had her read The Little Prince (we have a wonderful pop-up version of it, unabridged still).
 

rousseau

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If you're one of the people connected to me on social media please keep any mention of this off of there for a while

So we're pregnant with our second and waiting the standard three months to make the news public, but I don't want to wait until October to talk about it so there it is. It's been an interesting experience this time around: we were a bit shocked that we got pregnant so quickly (I don't know why, but I genuinely thought it was going to take us a while). But my wife was late, started showing signs, and there it was. And as expected we're also much more casual about it now as we know the ropes, our house is already ready, and we have the majority of what we need. For my part I'm absolutely thrilled and excited for the first ultrasound and to go through the process again. My wife has had mixed emotions and one of her first comments was: I wish you could get a turn at being pregnant. This is what we wanted, but it's going to be a painful couple years with dividends later when our kids can keep each other entertained.

So now we have a couple projects on the go. Once we know baby is healthy we'll be converting our study into a second bedroom, buying a bigger car, and buying a new freezer that we'll stock before he/she's born. Other than that there isn't a whole lot to do besides attend the usual appointments. We have a car seat, stroller suited for two children, clothes, toys etc

My biggest concern is doing what I can to keep my wife from becoming miserable. I've read in a number of places that after having a second mom's happiness usually takes a dive. I do everything in my power to contribute and make sure that's not the case, but even with just one toddler she seems a bit stressed out at times. At the end of the day maybe there's not much to be done but push through it.
 

T.G.G. Moogly

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Super gigantic congratulations are in order! My wishes are that it's all smooth sailing.

And I'm not connected to social media so it's all good.
 

Shadowy Man

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How old is the first? We had a 4.5 year age difference and that was crucial at the beginning for us not going crazy and for being able to help either the baby. The older one could be by herself for a bit without constant adult supervision. Now that they are older (first turns 10 in two weeks) I often wish they were closer in age but it really did help at the beginning.
 

rousseau

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How old is the first? We had a 4.5 year age difference and that was crucial at the beginning for us not going crazy and for being able to help either the baby. The older one could be by herself for a bit without constant adult supervision. Now that they are older (first turns 10 in two weeks) I often wish they were closer in age but it really did help at the beginning.

Our oldest should be about 23 months when the second is born. So about perfect for being friends, but a bit of a challenge in the early days. The good news is our son is already pretty good at playing independently at 15 months. But he definitely loves mom's attention.
 

rousseau

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My wife has had mixed emotions and one of her first comments was: I wish you could get a turn at being pregnant.
Resentment? Well, everything's proceeding nicely, i see.
Congrats!


Not resentment so much as that she just got a small taste of freedom and now it's starting over again, a bit annoyed/fearful maybe. She's one of the on the fence women. She was absolutely thrilled about our first, but she's not the I want 6 kids type. Two has been our plan for a while (she actually wanted three), but now that it's a reality we actually have to face it.

I think one of her issues is perfectionism, she feels like she has to be perfect, turbo mom 100% of the time, and she beats herself up and gets imposter syndrome over every mistake. I used to have a bit of that, but have more or less taught myself to relax and enjoy the ride. So it seems she's a bit more stressed than I am.
 

Keith&Co.

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My wife has had mixed emotions and one of her first comments was: I wish you could get a turn at being pregnant.
Resentment? Well, everything's proceeding nicely, i see.
Congrats!


Not resentment so much as that she just got a small taste of freedom and now it's starting over again, a bit annoyed/fearful maybe.
First off, it was a joke.
Second, sounds like you just defined resentment.
Third, still joking.
Two has been our plan for a while (she actually wanted three),
Hey! WE wanted two, too! The second one just came out twice (Have you checked for twins, yet?). Two of my three supervisors have three kids, single and twins separated by 5 years.
It's nothing in the water, we were in different states when this occurred.
 

rousseau

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Not resentment so much as that she just got a small taste of freedom and now it's starting over again, a bit annoyed/fearful maybe.
First off, it was a joke.
Second, sounds like you just defined resentment.
Third, still joking.
Two has been our plan for a while (she actually wanted three),
Hey! WE wanted two, too! The second one just came out twice (Have you checked for twins, yet?). Two of my three supervisors have three kids, single and twins separated by 5 years.
It's nothing in the water, we were in different states when this occurred.

That happened to a friend of mine around the time our first was born. Except it was number three and four. They ended up diverting plans to move to the east coast, settled here, and are.. very tired. Our first step is making sure there's only one in there :).

Oma had five singles so here's hoping.
 

Tharmas

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First of all, congratulations!

My daughter’s two (girl then boy) are nineteen months apart, and my daughter and her husband have survived. The kids are close enough to play with each other and are very well bonded. Now that the kids are a bit older (five and six turning seven soon) the biggest problem is scheduling. However, assuming they can attend school in person in the coming year, they will both be heading to the same school for the first time, which is a major win for the parents.

They have one set of grandparents nearby. My daughter works a well-paying job and her husband is a freelance artist, which actually pays, but not so much. Of course he is able to work from home.

It helps that they both love children, as you and your wife seem to.
 

Shadowy Man

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My kids are five grade years apart so this week they start the one and only year they will attend the same school. Sigh…
 

rousseau

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First of all, congratulations!

My daughter’s two (girl then boy) are nineteen months apart, and my daughter and her husband have survived. The kids are close enough to play with each other and are very well bonded. Now that the kids are a bit older (five and six turning seven soon) the biggest problem is scheduling. However, assuming they can attend school in person in the coming year, they will both be heading to the same school for the first time, which is a major win for the parents.

They have one set of grandparents nearby. My daughter works a well-paying job and her husband is a freelance artist, which actually pays, but not so much. Of course he is able to work from home.

It helps that they both love children, as you and your wife seem to.

We really do. For so many years before we had our first all I'd heard were horror stories about parenting and how hard it is, to the point that it made me a bit anxious. But after actually having our son I know it was what I was meant to do. I love it, and love being with him. It's hard work but I find what we have now a pretty good balance. Busy days, then a few quiet hours at night. That's enough for me, I'm not sure how we'd cope if we were childless.

With a second in tow I'm starting to re-consider how to be more efficient with my time and energy, it's really forcing me to think about what's actually important to us.
 

Old Woman in Purple

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Congrats! You & Wife are involved and supportive enough to each other & to your offspring that everything will work out just fine. Don't sweat the small stuff! :D
 

Toni

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My wife has had mixed emotions and one of her first comments was: I wish you could get a turn at being pregnant.
Resentment? Well, everything's proceeding nicely, i see.
Congrats!


Not resentment so much as that she just got a small taste of freedom and now it's starting over again, a bit annoyed/fearful maybe. She's one of the on the fence women. She was absolutely thrilled about our first, but she's not the I want 6 kids type. Two has been our plan for a while (she actually wanted three), but now that it's a reality we actually have to face it.

I think one of her issues is perfectionism, she feels like she has to be perfect, turbo mom 100% of the time, and she beats herself up and gets imposter syndrome over every mistake. I used to have a bit of that, but have more or less taught myself to relax and enjoy the ride. So it seems she's a bit more stressed than I am.


Congratulations!!!!!!!!!! And I totally understand what your wife is feeling/going through. Having a second child is much easier in many ways but also harder in some unexpected ways. You have better handle on what having a child entails which is good and bad. And in some small ways, you feel like maybe you are taking something away from #1 by making them 1 of 2. Somehow, you adjust anyway.

BUT:

Cough cough: there's nothing quite like having a second child to knock all illusions of perfect motherhood right out of you. At least in my experience.

For us, our first child was extremely easy, which was fortunate because we were idiots. Idiotic enough to believe that our first was an easy child because (get this) we were such good parents. Nope: he just made us look good. The second child was much harder: colic, didn't sleep much, very clingy as a young child, lots of ear infections. Kid turned out to be super smart and a delightful child and person but the first year was not easy, in part because of the lack of sleep/colic and also because hubby's schedule was absolutely killer and because, as it happened, friends who were our major support circle moved out of our neighborhood and further away, making that all more difficult. And then we moved, as well to an entirely new area.

But that is no guarantee or even reasonable predictor that your second child will not be a terrifically easy delight. I do know that I was a very easy infant and toddler. My parents (i.e. mother) started to see me as more problematic when it turned out that I was not a carbon copy of my older sibling and (you might find this surprising) had my own ideas. That came later, though. Even though I was seen as a rebel, I was the kind of rebel who never broke curfew, rarely talked back, got perfect grades and was a neighborhood favorite. Still rarely isn't never, though, is it? My older sibling was a never talked back kid. Impossible to live up to that.

But honestly, we laugh now about #2's infancy and toddlerhood. Out of 4 kids, that one was the only one that was not a very easy child, sleeping and eating well and on schedule, easily socialized with other kids/adults, yadda yadda yadda. I do think that part of the struggles with #2 in the early years is because otherwise, our life was pretty stressful for a couple of years, one of which saw us moving half way across the country (and me looking for a place to live with a one year old and a 4 year old in tow, in a city I'd never been, with no car, relying on the kindness of the sister of a dear friend who lived in the area. Fun times. Thank god I was so young. If I tried it now, it would kill me.). He was easier at one than as a younger child, and easier at 2 than at 1 and easier at 3 than at 2 and so on, each year becoming easier, even as other children were added to the mix.

Two of ours were just about 2 years apart and they were either best buddies or direst of enemies, switching daily and sometimes multiple times a day. Now, all of my children remain good friends, for which I am extremely grateful.


Just remember: being a perfect parent implies that your children are perfect. That's a hell of a lot of pressure to put on a kid. Or yourself but most mothers find it easier to recognize when something is unfair to their kids than unfair to themselves.
 

Old Woman in Purple

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Two of ours were just about 2 years apart and they were either best buddies or direst of enemies, switching daily and sometimes multiple times a day. Now, all of my children remain good friends, for which I am extremely grateful.

Sounds like my sister & I growing up, born 13 months + 11 days apart. When I [being daughter#2] was born, people commented, "Oh, they'll be such good friends as they grow up!". ... Eh... more like, we were a relatively even match for slug-fests and arguments, as well as board games.
 

Toni

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Two of ours were just about 2 years apart and they were either best buddies or direst of enemies, switching daily and sometimes multiple times a day. Now, all of my children remain good friends, for which I am extremely grateful.

Sounds like my sister & I growing up, born 13 months + 11 days apart. When I [being daughter#2] was born, people commented, "Oh, they'll be such good friends as they grow up!". ... Eh... more like, we were a relatively even match for slug-fests and arguments, as well as board games.

My next younger sibling is 19 months younger than I am. My mother seemed to hold two competing ideas at the same time: we were Soooooo close in age that we must want to do the same things and of course I was going to be thrilled to take her with me wherever I went ( and my friends would be equally thrilled). AND I was sooo much older and more mature and I needed to set a good example—and let her win at games so she wouldn’t feel bad and cry. If she cried, it was my fault and I got into trouble. I lost track of the number of fights I got into with friends who were fed up with her but blood will out, I suppose.

We are not close.
 

rousseau

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Not resentment so much as that she just got a small taste of freedom and now it's starting over again, a bit annoyed/fearful maybe. She's one of the on the fence women. She was absolutely thrilled about our first, but she's not the I want 6 kids type. Two has been our plan for a while (she actually wanted three), but now that it's a reality we actually have to face it.

I think one of her issues is perfectionism, she feels like she has to be perfect, turbo mom 100% of the time, and she beats herself up and gets imposter syndrome over every mistake. I used to have a bit of that, but have more or less taught myself to relax and enjoy the ride. So it seems she's a bit more stressed than I am.

Congratulations!!!!!!!!!! And I totally understand what your wife is feeling/going through. Having a second child is much easier in many ways but also harder in some unexpected ways. You have better handle on what having a child entails which is good and bad. And in some small ways, you feel like maybe you are taking something away from #1 by making them 1 of 2. Somehow, you adjust anyway.

BUT:

Cough cough: there's nothing quite like having a second child to knock all illusions of perfect motherhood right out of you. At least in my experience.

For us, our first child was extremely easy, which was fortunate because we were idiots. Idiotic enough to believe that our first was an easy child because (get this) we were such good parents. Nope: he just made us look good. The second child was much harder: colic, didn't sleep much, very clingy as a young child, lots of ear infections. Kid turned out to be super smart and a delightful child and person but the first year was not easy, in part because of the lack of sleep/colic and also because hubby's schedule was absolutely killer and because, as it happened, friends who were our major support circle moved out of our neighborhood and further away, making that all more difficult. And then we moved, as well to an entirely new area.

But that is no guarantee or even reasonable predictor that your second child will not be a terrifically easy delight. I do know that I was a very easy infant and toddler. My parents (i.e. mother) started to see me as more problematic when it turned out that I was not a carbon copy of my older sibling and (you might find this surprising) had my own ideas. That came later, though. Even though I was seen as a rebel, I was the kind of rebel who never broke curfew, rarely talked back, got perfect grades and was a neighborhood favorite. Still rarely isn't never, though, is it? My older sibling was a never talked back kid. Impossible to live up to that.

But honestly, we laugh now about #2's infancy and toddlerhood. Out of 4 kids, that one was the only one that was not a very easy child, sleeping and eating well and on schedule, easily socialized with other kids/adults, yadda yadda yadda. I do think that part of the struggles with #2 in the early years is because otherwise, our life was pretty stressful for a couple of years, one of which saw us moving half way across the country (and me looking for a place to live with a one year old and a 4 year old in tow, in a city I'd never been, with no car, relying on the kindness of the sister of a dear friend who lived in the area. Fun times. Thank god I was so young. If I tried it now, it would kill me.). He was easier at one than as a younger child, and easier at 2 than at 1 and easier at 3 than at 2 and so on, each year becoming easier, even as other children were added to the mix.

Two of ours were just about 2 years apart and they were either best buddies or direst of enemies, switching daily and sometimes multiple times a day. Now, all of my children remain good friends, for which I am extremely grateful.

Just remember: being a perfect parent implies that your children are perfect. That's a hell of a lot of pressure to put on a kid. Or yourself but most mothers find it easier to recognize when something is unfair to their kids than unfair to themselves.

This is a good point, thanks.

Before our son was born I spent (no joke) about two years reading about parenting, books, online articles, Q&A sites. Not out of any particular need, but because I didn't have much else to do. I read so much that I likely do have a larger perspective than average. Two helpful books that come to mind were The Gardener and the Carpenter by Alison Gopnik, and Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen (which is a classic on discipline). The latter, specifically, is my bible on how to interact with our son.

My wife is a bit more laissez-faire and not as much of a planner so on her end there's been more figuring it out as she goes. She's excellent at the physical side of parenting, but some of the approaches I've learned seem to work better in some situations. And she is starting to notice, our son is a bit better behaved around me than her. So it's been an interesting line to tread for me lately as I try to relay some of these ideas to her while also giving her the autonomy to parent in her own way, and additionally not cause conflict between us.

My biggest learning in the past few months is that kids are resilient and that even if we get emotional from time to time it's not that big of a deal. So I'm much more likely to just go with the flow now, regardless of what's happening, do my best to serve all parties, and carry on. Not stress out too much over how 'good' we're parenting. This approach seems to be working, my wife is picking up on some of the things I'm doing, and things are improving.

When it comes to adding a second to the mix my biggest fear is that my wife is going to be exhausted to the point of misery, which I think all I can really do is anticipate our needs and contribute as much as I can.
 

Rhea

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Congratulations! Wonderful news.

My two are 28 months apart. One of the most useful things I did was whenever I sat down to nurse the baby, I told the toddler that because his sister needed to be fed, I was available to read him a book. He LOVED HIS SISTER because she made it so he got read to multplie times a day. He would hear her start making hungry noises and he would run and get a book and my nursing pillow and sit on the coach waiting. He thought she was so nice to make this happen for him.

Another thing we did to help me as a tired mom was that any child problem that happened between 10pm and 2am was Dad’s problem. I was sleeping. (I would pump just before bed and he’d be able to feed). Anything that happened after 2am was my problem. But the split meant that when we each slept, it was guilt free. For me, that made a HUGE difference. 4 solid hours of sleep, guaranteed.

Also making a difference was when hubby came home from work at night while I was at home during my leave, and immediately took the baby. I was “touched out.” He got that. His “day at work” was a break.

We loved how the kids interacted with each other. Usually they got along great, so they entertained each other pretty well.
 

rousseau

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Congratulations! Wonderful news.

My two are 28 months apart. One of the most useful things I did was whenever I sat down to nurse the baby, I told the toddler that because his sister needed to be fed, I was available to read him a book. He LOVED HIS SISTER because she made it so he got read to multplie times a day. He would hear her start making hungry noises and he would run and get a book and my nursing pillow and sit on the coach waiting. He thought she was so nice to make this happen for him.

Another thing we did to help me as a tired mom was that any child problem that happened between 10pm and 2am was Dad’s problem. I was sleeping. (I would pump just before bed and he’d be able to feed). Anything that happened after 2am was my problem. But the split meant that when we each slept, it was guilt free. For me, that made a HUGE difference. 4 solid hours of sleep, guaranteed.

Also making a difference was when hubby came home from work at night while I was at home during my leave, and immediately took the baby. I was “touched out.” He got that. His “day at work” was a break.

We loved how the kids interacted with each other. Usually they got along great, so they entertained each other pretty well.

Those are some great ideas. I believe you suggested something similar when our first was on the way and we actually made use of it. In the early days I took until 11 pm, and the first morning feed past 6 am. That went on for about seven weeks until I went back to work and we shifted things around a bit.

Something I noticed with our first was that we both got used to a certain pattern, my wife got used to the early morning feeds / pumping, and after a while I had a harder time taking those ones. If I get up past 3 am I wake up and can't get back to sleep. I wonder if this time I commit to a certain period my body will adjust.
 

Toni

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Congratulations! Wonderful news.

My two are 28 months apart. One of the most useful things I did was whenever I sat down to nurse the baby, I told the toddler that because his sister needed to be fed, I was available to read him a book. He LOVED HIS SISTER because she made it so he got read to multplie times a day. He would hear her start making hungry noises and he would run and get a book and my nursing pillow and sit on the coach waiting. He thought she was so nice to make this happen for him.

Another thing we did to help me as a tired mom was that any child problem that happened between 10pm and 2am was Dad’s problem. I was sleeping. (I would pump just before bed and he’d be able to feed). Anything that happened after 2am was my problem. But the split meant that when we each slept, it was guilt free. For me, that made a HUGE difference. 4 solid hours of sleep, guaranteed.

Also making a difference was when hubby came home from work at night while I was at home during my leave, and immediately took the baby. I was “touched out.” He got that. His “day at work” was a break.

We loved how the kids interacted with each other. Usually they got along great, so they entertained each other pretty well.

Those are some great ideas. I believe you suggested something similar when our first was on the way and we actually made use of it. In the early days I took until 11 pm, and the first morning feed past 6 am. That went on for about seven weeks until I went back to work and we shifted things around a bit.

Something I noticed with our first was that we both got used to a certain pattern, my wife got used to the early morning feeds / pumping, and after a while I had a harder time taking those ones. If I get up past 3 am I wake up and can't get back to sleep. I wonder if this time I commit to a certain period my body will adjust.

When my children were born, breast pumps were not as good as they are today and were expensive—out of our budget. What we did was: hubby got up, changed baby and brought baby to me to feed. I returned baby after feeding and…slept like a log until the next feeding. For 3 of them, they made it through the night by 6-7 weeks. Hubby didn’t always get up for the baby—a lot depended on what kind of day he had and was heading into.
 

rousseau

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Messages
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Congratulations! Wonderful news.

My two are 28 months apart. One of the most useful things I did was whenever I sat down to nurse the baby, I told the toddler that because his sister needed to be fed, I was available to read him a book. He LOVED HIS SISTER because she made it so he got read to multplie times a day. He would hear her start making hungry noises and he would run and get a book and my nursing pillow and sit on the coach waiting. He thought she was so nice to make this happen for him.

Another thing we did to help me as a tired mom was that any child problem that happened between 10pm and 2am was Dad’s problem. I was sleeping. (I would pump just before bed and he’d be able to feed). Anything that happened after 2am was my problem. But the split meant that when we each slept, it was guilt free. For me, that made a HUGE difference. 4 solid hours of sleep, guaranteed.

Also making a difference was when hubby came home from work at night while I was at home during my leave, and immediately took the baby. I was “touched out.” He got that. His “day at work” was a break.

We loved how the kids interacted with each other. Usually they got along great, so they entertained each other pretty well.

Those are some great ideas. I believe you suggested something similar when our first was on the way and we actually made use of it. In the early days I took until 11 pm, and the first morning feed past 6 am. That went on for about seven weeks until I went back to work and we shifted things around a bit.

Something I noticed with our first was that we both got used to a certain pattern, my wife got used to the early morning feeds / pumping, and after a while I had a harder time taking those ones. If I get up past 3 am I wake up and can't get back to sleep. I wonder if this time I commit to a certain period my body will adjust.

When my children were born, breast pumps were not as good as they are today and were expensive—out of our budget. What we did was: hubby got up, changed baby and brought baby to me to feed. I returned baby after feeding and…slept like a log until the next feeding. For 3 of them, they made it through the night by 6-7 weeks. Hubby didn’t always get up for the baby—a lot depended on what kind of day he had and was heading into.

One benefit we have this round is that we know we'll likely be pumping / bottle feeding from the get go. My mother-in-law struggled to feed directly from breast, and my wife ended up having the same problem before we switched to a bottle. So we have any pretense of trying out of the way and can go straight to a bottle.

We also had the experience of the days being a bit more dynamic. In the beginning I took anything after 6 am, but then there was a period where he wasn't waking up until it was time to pump. Eventually it often depended on how we were feeling and what we needed on any given day. Partner continued to take early morning feeds because she was adjusted to them, but if she was hitting a wall at any time of day I'd step in, and vice versa.
 

Toni

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When my children were born, breast pumps were not as good as they are today and were expensive—out of our budget. What we did was: hubby got up, changed baby and brought baby to me to feed. I returned baby after feeding and…slept like a log until the next feeding. For 3 of them, they made it through the night by 6-7 weeks. Hubby didn’t always get up for the baby—a lot depended on what kind of day he had and was heading into.

One benefit we have this round is that we know we'll likely be pumping / bottle feeding from the get go. My mother-in-law struggled to feed directly from breast, and my wife ended up having the same problem before we switched to a bottle. So we have any pretense of trying out of the way and can go straight to a bottle.

We also had the experience of the days being a bit more dynamic. In the beginning I took anything after 6 am, but then there was a period where he wasn't waking up until it was time to pump. Eventually it often depended on how we were feeling and what we needed on any given day. Partner continued to take early morning feeds because she was adjusted to them, but if she was hitting a wall at any time of day I'd step in, and vice versa.

Yeah, for us, it was mostly that way: whoever was about to hit a wall got the break.

I know that I was really fortunate that I grew up with a breast feeding mother and it came very easy for me. My husband was less sure and my mother in law was....shocked. For her, giving birth in a big city hospital, they immediately injected new mothers with hormones to dry up their breast milk. I was born in a little country hospital where such things were not heard of. Anyway, for me, it was easy: just stick the kid up my shirt. But It's not always that easy for everyone. AND one of the kids refused ANYTHING but breast. That was difficult as he was the difficult child anyway: picky eater, no sleeper, colicky, clingy. But he turned out just great. We still joke that if he had been our first, he would have been our last. Now I think of him as a good less on in parental humility. Our first wasn't easy because we were such good parents. He was easy because he was easy and we got incredibly lucky. Seriously: it was pure luck. He wasn't planned, we had no money, just a lot of youthful optimism and confidence that we could do anything. Now I look back and I don't know whether to laugh or cry. And I think our parents must have been dying.....It may have been a good thing that we lived in tiny rented apartments and my mother in law could not move in with us. I loved her very, very much but we might not have gotten along so well if we had lived together.



And....suddenly a memory flashed: The cranky colicky no sleep baby? Well years after, when he was in school, one of my friends (we had moved states so this was a newer friend) and I were talking about our kids' early years and I talked about this kid's difficulties as an infant and toddler. She just looked at me, listened to me describe his nursing and said: You should have called a lactation consultant. This is what it sounds to me like what his problem was: and described it more than I had and also solutions that sounded as though they would have worked just fine.....if I had called a lactation consultant. My friend was a huge proponent of La Leche so please, if your wife has any concerns, don't be the idiot that I was: CALL A LACTATION SPECIALIST!!!!!
 

T.G.G. Moogly

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We were fortunate to live in a time when Mom could stay home and be with the children. It wasn't easy but that's what we did for 11 years. The kids could not have been more different in their nursing. The first one took to it like he'd been practicing for months. The second treated the nipple like a lollipop and it took a while before he learned to latch on. But there were no bottles ever, could not have been easier. We were very familiar with Natural childbirth and Le Leche.

Another memory is of diapers. We only ever used disposables when we traveled. Otherwise it was a swish in the toilet and into the diaper pail for laundering later. Saved a lot of money that way.
 

Rhea

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Those are some great ideas. I believe you suggested something similar when our first was on the way and we actually made use of it. In the early days I took until 11 pm, and the first morning feed past 6 am. That went on for about seven weeks until I went back to work and we shifted things around a bit.

So glad that worked for you. The sleep-fatigue thing is so real and so debilitating that I alsways mention that, even if I might be repeating myself.

I expect you will become accustomed to whichever you chose onn this go-around. I found my body to be very Pavlovian. Make a routine, the body helps keep the routine, especially in overwhelming situations.


As for the breastfeeding - I second the suggestion of getting a lactation consultant - and I’ll give reasons why…

Pumping and bottle feeding is wonderful for delivering the natural maternal antibodies and the flavor variation that are good for baby’s health and palate respectively. So if that’s the way you go - it’s a win; I don’t want to minimize that.

And I recommend that when you feed with a bottle, you take off your shirt and the baby’s onesie and give the baby skin-to-skin contact (both parents). It is so soothing for them and a soothed baby makes a happy home!

Breastfeeding as part of the plan adds an incredible flexibility and spontaneity that is so monumentally needed by new parents. To be able to just stuff a diaper in your back pocket and go - priceless. If you are interested in trying again, I’ve got some of my experiences below. I mention this because for me, nursing in person saved me a LOT of headache in fussy time, extra work, and inflexibility in shopping and travel, even though I also pumped. And it made me one-hand-free to read to the older child while I lay the baby on my boppy pillow, cuddled in one arm and holdinng a book, with the other arm around older brother.


I had a very difficult time in the first weeks nursing my older child. He would start crying in the middle of nursing, getting terribly frustrated, OR he would fall asleep after one swallow and not get enough. He was losing weight and scaring us all. I was able to get a consultant through work who had so many workable ideas, and I also found a breastfeeding support forum that was so important to me.

For us the solution was two things: swaddling him very tightly including his arms so that he could feel pressure all over and not touch his own face, triggering the rooting reflex that turned him away from me and toward his own (unsatisfying) hand; and working to keep him awake long enough to get enough nutrition. I would hold him and nurse at night and my husband would tickle his feet and put ice cloths on his head. It was a rough couple of weeks, but the kid finally figured it out in about week 3 or 4, and after that it was a relatively easy hybrid of pumping and nursing. Critical to get on a schedule because the woman’s body is very very responsive to a feeding schedule. Further tips on how to get through growth spurts where the baby needs extra nutrition, etc if you want them.

At any rate - if any of that is useful - take what you can.
 

Toni

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Those are some great ideas. I believe you suggested something similar when our first was on the way and we actually made use of it. In the early days I took until 11 pm, and the first morning feed past 6 am. That went on for about seven weeks until I went back to work and we shifted things around a bit.

So glad that worked for you. The sleep-fatigue thing is so real and so debilitating that I alsways mention that, even if I might be repeating myself.

I expect you will become accustomed to whichever you chose onn this go-around. I found my body to be very Pavlovian. Make a routine, the body helps keep the routine, especially in overwhelming situations.


As for the breastfeeding - I second the suggestion of getting a lactation consultant - and I’ll give reasons why…

Pumping and bottle feeding is wonderful for delivering the natural maternal antibodies and the flavor variation that are good for baby’s health and palate respectively. So if that’s the way you go - it’s a win; I don’t want to minimize that.

And I recommend that when you feed with a bottle, you take off your shirt and the baby’s onesie and give the baby skin-to-skin contact (both parents). It is so soothing for them and a soothed baby makes a happy home!

Breastfeeding as part of the plan adds an incredible flexibility and spontaneity that is so monumentally needed by new parents. To be able to just stuff a diaper in your back pocket and go - priceless. If you are interested in trying again, I’ve got some of my experiences below. I mention this because for me, nursing in person saved me a LOT of headache in fussy time, extra work, and inflexibility in shopping and travel, even though I also pumped. And it made me one-hand-free to read to the older child while I lay the baby on my boppy pillow, cuddled in one arm and holdinng a book, with the other arm around older brother.


I had a very difficult time in the first weeks nursing my older child. He would start crying in the middle of nursing, getting terribly frustrated, OR he would fall asleep after one swallow and not get enough. He was losing weight and scaring us all. I was able to get a consultant through work who had so many workable ideas, and I also found a breastfeeding support forum that was so important to me.

For us the solution was two things: swaddling him very tightly including his arms so that he could feel pressure all over and not touch his own face, triggering the rooting reflex that turned him away from me and toward his own (unsatisfying) hand; and working to keep him awake long enough to get enough nutrition. I would hold him and nurse at night and my husband would tickle his feet and put ice cloths on his head. It was a rough couple of weeks, but the kid finally figured it out in about week 3 or 4, and after that it was a relatively easy hybrid of pumping and nursing. Critical to get on a schedule because the woman’s body is very very responsive to a feeding schedule. Further tips on how to get through growth spurts where the baby needs extra nutrition, etc if you want them.

At any rate - if any of that is useful - take what you can.

Excellent suggestions!
 

rousseau

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Joined
Jun 23, 2010
Messages
12,172
Those are some great ideas. I believe you suggested something similar when our first was on the way and we actually made use of it. In the early days I took until 11 pm, and the first morning feed past 6 am. That went on for about seven weeks until I went back to work and we shifted things around a bit.

So glad that worked for you. The sleep-fatigue thing is so real and so debilitating that I alsways mention that, even if I might be repeating myself.

I expect you will become accustomed to whichever you chose onn this go-around. I found my body to be very Pavlovian. Make a routine, the body helps keep the routine, especially in overwhelming situations.


As for the breastfeeding - I second the suggestion of getting a lactation consultant - and I’ll give reasons why…

Pumping and bottle feeding is wonderful for delivering the natural maternal antibodies and the flavor variation that are good for baby’s health and palate respectively. So if that’s the way you go - it’s a win; I don’t want to minimize that.

And I recommend that when you feed with a bottle, you take off your shirt and the baby’s onesie and give the baby skin-to-skin contact (both parents). It is so soothing for them and a soothed baby makes a happy home!

Breastfeeding as part of the plan adds an incredible flexibility and spontaneity that is so monumentally needed by new parents. To be able to just stuff a diaper in your back pocket and go - priceless. If you are interested in trying again, I’ve got some of my experiences below. I mention this because for me, nursing in person saved me a LOT of headache in fussy time, extra work, and inflexibility in shopping and travel, even though I also pumped. And it made me one-hand-free to read to the older child while I lay the baby on my boppy pillow, cuddled in one arm and holdinng a book, with the other arm around older brother.


I had a very difficult time in the first weeks nursing my older child. He would start crying in the middle of nursing, getting terribly frustrated, OR he would fall asleep after one swallow and not get enough. He was losing weight and scaring us all. I was able to get a consultant through work who had so many workable ideas, and I also found a breastfeeding support forum that was so important to me.

For us the solution was two things: swaddling him very tightly including his arms so that he could feel pressure all over and not touch his own face, triggering the rooting reflex that turned him away from me and toward his own (unsatisfying) hand; and working to keep him awake long enough to get enough nutrition. I would hold him and nurse at night and my husband would tickle his feet and put ice cloths on his head. It was a rough couple of weeks, but the kid finally figured it out in about week 3 or 4, and after that it was a relatively easy hybrid of pumping and nursing. Critical to get on a schedule because the woman’s body is very very responsive to a feeding schedule. Further tips on how to get through growth spurts where the baby needs extra nutrition, etc if you want them.

At any rate - if any of that is useful - take what you can.

Thanks, one thing I definitely don't think we did enough of with our first was skin-to-skin, often it just slipped my mind so I'll have to remember that this go around.

With him we did use a lactation consultant, actually a few of them. We consulted one in the hospital who gave us advice and got us started (and before that even took a breastfeeding class), and then when things were rocky in the first month or so we talked to another consultant. My wife's issue (and her mother had the same problem) seems to be sensitive skin. Her nipples just couldn't handle the constant feeding. Eventually she bled on one side, we switched to the other, got bad advice and ended up with Mastitis. A whole mess really.

Luckily you also gave us a pretty good pump suggestion :), and that worked well for us up until about a month or two ago. It might be worth trying again, though, because who knows.
 

rousseau

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I used to be a bit leery about the idea of giving kids meds, but on second thought - if we're mainly preparing them for the modern workforce, and many adults take medications that allow them to participate in that workforce, giving them to kids isn't that far afield.

The speech thing is something I'm keeping a close eye on in our son too. My wife had language issues growing up, while my verbal skills were on the other side of the spectrum. But we've also found that our son had some mild hearing loss due to fluid in his ears, so I'm keeping an eye on how that's affecting things. He'll be a year on the 21st and currently says mama - that seems roughly normal, so who knows.

Good luck with your daughter, I guess you can only really prepare her to be the best version of herself.

My oldest son had an issue with fluid in his ears from the only ear infection he ever had. I actually had taken him to the doc right away when he was mildly feverish and tugged at his ear--something that is also present in teething. The doc found nothing, advised teething and he was really fine----and then a couple of weeks later, I realized he couldn't hear me when I was behind him, speaking softly. Since normally he had phenomenal hearing, I took him back to the doc and saw the other partner in the practice who said yes, fluid behind his ears to the extent that his hearing was compromised severely. It was cleared up by meds and I later discovered that my animus against the first doc was unwarranted as very early ear infections in young children often do not show in exam but are only apparent later.

This kid went on to the the boy who the teacher sat in the hall because he was so chatty and social and finally sat him next to a child with significant hearing impairment--which did not quiet him down but definitely helped bring the other child out of her shell.

He's extremely verbal, and verbally very witty and indeed, I am pretty sure his dream job would be stand up comedian. He's a lawyer instead.

It's good that the fluid was identified so early and likely it will cause zero issues down the road.

Oh, that son's favorite memories of his childhood are that we always read him books and that there was always music playing--sometimes classical but more often jazz and most often rock--but at decent levels. No loud stuff.

And yeah, I'm sure that when he's my age, he will regret all the loud concerts he has taken himself to. Note: he does wear some kind of special ear plugs that allow you to hear the music but not too loud.

So we had a bit of an eventful day today. I finally got him into an Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist for a follow-up hearing test and diagnosis. His (moderate) hearing loss is still present so we're getting tubes put in next month to clear the fluid build-up. This is really a best case scenario as I thought we were going to be waiting until November or December. I had also fretted that Covid had us miss his newborn hearing screening and that we were maybe behind the curve, but I learned today that intervention via surgery typically doesn't happen until around now anyway.

I've done a bit of research on his diagnosis and we seem to be getting this done at the right time. Expressive wise he is likely a touch behind now, but not too far, and hopefully his hearing will be completely cleared up before he starts in the toddler room at daycare (when kids really start speaking).

On another note I had a good time with him at the hospital. This was the first time it's been me bringing him to an appointment and not my wife, and it was a bit of an obstacle course. Time in the lobby, reception area, hearing test, speaking with the doctor. A bit of a challenge, but fun.
 

Toni

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Those are some great ideas. I believe you suggested something similar when our first was on the way and we actually made use of it. In the early days I took until 11 pm, and the first morning feed past 6 am. That went on for about seven weeks until I went back to work and we shifted things around a bit.

So glad that worked for you. The sleep-fatigue thing is so real and so debilitating that I alsways mention that, even if I might be repeating myself.

I expect you will become accustomed to whichever you chose onn this go-around. I found my body to be very Pavlovian. Make a routine, the body helps keep the routine, especially in overwhelming situations.


As for the breastfeeding - I second the suggestion of getting a lactation consultant - and I’ll give reasons why…

Pumping and bottle feeding is wonderful for delivering the natural maternal antibodies and the flavor variation that are good for baby’s health and palate respectively. So if that’s the way you go - it’s a win; I don’t want to minimize that.

And I recommend that when you feed with a bottle, you take off your shirt and the baby’s onesie and give the baby skin-to-skin contact (both parents). It is so soothing for them and a soothed baby makes a happy home!

Breastfeeding as part of the plan adds an incredible flexibility and spontaneity that is so monumentally needed by new parents. To be able to just stuff a diaper in your back pocket and go - priceless. If you are interested in trying again, I’ve got some of my experiences below. I mention this because for me, nursing in person saved me a LOT of headache in fussy time, extra work, and inflexibility in shopping and travel, even though I also pumped. And it made me one-hand-free to read to the older child while I lay the baby on my boppy pillow, cuddled in one arm and holdinng a book, with the other arm around older brother.


I had a very difficult time in the first weeks nursing my older child. He would start crying in the middle of nursing, getting terribly frustrated, OR he would fall asleep after one swallow and not get enough. He was losing weight and scaring us all. I was able to get a consultant through work who had so many workable ideas, and I also found a breastfeeding support forum that was so important to me.

For us the solution was two things: swaddling him very tightly including his arms so that he could feel pressure all over and not touch his own face, triggering the rooting reflex that turned him away from me and toward his own (unsatisfying) hand; and working to keep him awake long enough to get enough nutrition. I would hold him and nurse at night and my husband would tickle his feet and put ice cloths on his head. It was a rough couple of weeks, but the kid finally figured it out in about week 3 or 4, and after that it was a relatively easy hybrid of pumping and nursing. Critical to get on a schedule because the woman’s body is very very responsive to a feeding schedule. Further tips on how to get through growth spurts where the baby needs extra nutrition, etc if you want them.

At any rate - if any of that is useful - take what you can.

Thanks, one thing I definitely don't think we did enough of with our first was skin-to-skin, often it just slipped my mind so I'll have to remember that this go around.

With him we did use a lactation consultant, actually a few of them. We consulted one in the hospital who gave us advice and got us started (and before that even took a breastfeeding class), and then when things were rocky in the first month or so we talked to another consultant. My wife's issue (and her mother had the same problem) seems to be sensitive skin. Her nipples just couldn't handle the constant feeding. Eventually she bled on one side, we switched to the other, got bad advice and ended up with Mastitis. A whole mess really.

Luckily you also gave us a pretty good pump suggestion :), and that worked well for us up until about a month or two ago. It might be worth trying again, though, because who knows.

I actually had mastitis twice--both times with kids who nursed well. I was/am still convinced that it was a reaction to getting ready to move across a few states, with young children, including a nursing baby and frankly not getting much/any help from hubby who was deeply embroiled in school and work stuff in both cases. Antibiotics plus continuing breast feeding did the trick.

My mother breastfed all of us but with my youngest sibling, she began to use formula because she had problems with her nipples getting sore/cracked/bleeding. I was fortunate that I never had that problem, even with the kid who wanted to do nothing but nurse, to the point that I broke my promise to myself and got him a pacifier and saved both our lives. I'm joking about the life saving aspect. Probably. Sleep deprivation is seriously bad for me.
 

Jimmy Higgins

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Daughter is back to the same ole behavior. Not listening, do stupid things. The school is stepping up their reactions to her. What makes matters worse is she easily made honor roll and the stuff she is doing is relatively harmless to inappropriate, for the most part, but can be a gateway to not so harmless. My wife is more reactive than proactive, and sometimes bordering on clueless with some of these things, which makes my job all the more difficult (and frustrating). Based on how my wife's Dad acted, she defaults to nearly unreactive at times to our daughter's behavior. And now all of the times she has been like 'what's the big deal' have accumulated into this snowball. Granted, this is hardly on her as her fault, but it hasn't helped.

I talked with the VP, and it was clear that there were children at the school with much more pressing issues than my daughter, but with how litigious things are these days, they get their backs against the wall so easily.

In my daughter's world, there is her inner voice as the top 9 important things to pay attention to, and then everything else. The impact of this can be benign like her ignoring answers to the questions she asks. And then to the frustrating when she just doesn't ingest a word spoken to her, as if no one is talking to her at all. Made with a bump in her meds, hoping that helps with the needless impulsive stuff.
 

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so she's smarter than the average and there is some trauma that needs medication.
 

Jimmy Higgins

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so she's smarter than the average and there is some trauma that needs medication.
No trauma. Narcissism is a trait in my wife's family (father side), and my Sister has some issues with inward only understandings of the world, so my family's genes aren't in the clear.

My daughter has a history of not easily looking at people while talking to them. She also needs to be the center of attention... more so than average for kids her age. And she has a historical issue with answering questions. She is also hyperactive, well in excess for her age. Meanwhile her maturity is closer to that of a five year old (I'll lay that one on my wife as she always let her play with the smaller kids, because her peers were less interested in playing because she is too erratic... so instead of trying to get her to calm down, she let Cordi play around with the lesser mature or easily controlled (and this was observed by staff when she was in the early learning program), and to hell my opinion on the matter... why is that so important).

Her intelligence and capacity are in excess of average. She is capable of sitting still and reading an easy 100 page book (as in content... I tried having her read a Jennifer Holm book, but that content didn't stick). So Math, English, Reading, Geography, Technical Skills... great! Her handwriting sucks... like mine did. And her behavior is unpredictable and impulsive, to the point she was suspended for one day, to send a message.
 

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so her genetics are fucked and the solution is to medicate.... heck.. THAT sounds reasonable..../sarcasm.
 

Jimmy Higgins

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so her genetics are fucked and the solution is to medicate.... heck.. THAT sounds reasonable..../sarcasm.
Medicate was my last resort. Positive reinforcement, negative punishment provided no change in behavior. It is random and impulsive. She reflects several issues with ADHD. Also, child psychiatrist involved. Pharmacy stopped letting me write prescriptions when they figured out Dr. Ewe bin Haad wasn't a legitimate alias.
 

Toni

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so she's smarter than the average and there is some trauma that needs medication.
No trauma. Narcissism is a trait in my wife's family (father side), and my Sister has some issues with inward only understandings of the world, so my family's genes aren't in the clear.

My daughter has a history of not easily looking at people while talking to them. She also needs to be the center of attention... more so than average for kids her age. And she has a historical issue with answering questions. She is also hyperactive, well in excess for her age. Meanwhile her maturity is closer to that of a five year old (I'll lay that one on my wife as she always let her play with the smaller kids, because her peers were less interested in playing because she is too erratic... so instead of trying to get her to calm down, she let Cordi play around with the lesser mature or easily controlled (and this was observed by staff when she was in the early learning program), and to hell my opinion on the matter... why is that so important).

Her intelligence and capacity are in excess of average. She is capable of sitting still and reading an easy 100 page book (as in content... I tried having her read a Jennifer Holm book, but that content didn't stick). So Math, English, Reading, Geography, Technical Skills... great! Her handwriting sucks... like mine did. And her behavior is unpredictable and impulsive, to the point she was suspended for one day, to send a message.
She sounds a little like one of my kids who is most likely on the very high functioning autism/Asperger’s spectrum. Super bright, low on social skills as a child. Tended to much prefer reading fact based materials rather than say, fairy takes and folk tales hus sibling loved.

We were fortunate I think that no one suggested evaluating him—he was an adult before I heard of Asperger syndrome. No suggestions that he needed meds-but he had tolerant teachers who knew how handle an overly excited super bright child who would correct the student teacher’s definition of gravity (first grade) and corrected his second grade teacher about whether or not one could subtract 8 from 4, with some discourse on negative numbers. With the wrong teacher, this would have been…a nightmare. In middle school, it was a nightmare. A few years later, he likely would have been recommended meds, probably, and that would have been another set of fights with the schools. We had enough of those trying to get him appropriate classes.

His ability to learn so many things so quickly made him seem—and be—fairly arrogant. Some if his teachers were really rubbed the wrong way. A lot of kids his age were also rubbed the wrong way.

But we were also fortunate that, given the number of younger siblings, I couldn’t afford to work and pay day care—we were a single income family which was fortunate, as it turns out. I had extra time to devote to the kids, and this one, in particular. I know just how fortunate we were.

And fortunate to have Richard Scarry books when he was a toddler and reading one book was a natural primer on emotions as they correlate to facial expressions. Unknowingly I picked up a lot of coaching skills, and expressly taught him things my other kids knew by ….osmosis, it seemed in comparison. Things like: taking turns, how sometimes people’s feelings get hurt if we say certain things or don’t pay attention to their faces as well as their words….

I’ve obviously never met you or your kid but a couple of things you’ve written about your daughter remind me of my son at that age who also often did better with younger kids at that age, abs had a few miserable years in middle school but in high school, added to his small group of friends from ejenentary school abs now has a great group of done if the nicest people you’d ever meet who are wonderfully supportive of one another. If you met him, you’d recognize him as that geeky nerdy kid but you’d probably not notice social awkwardness.
 

rousseau

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Daughter is back to the same ole behavior. Not listening, do stupid things. The school is stepping up their reactions to her. What makes matters worse is she easily made honor roll and the stuff she is doing is relatively harmless to inappropriate, for the most part, but can be a gateway to not so harmless. My wife is more reactive than proactive, and sometimes bordering on clueless with some of these things, which makes my job all the more difficult (and frustrating). Based on how my wife's Dad acted, she defaults to nearly unreactive at times to our daughter's behavior. And now all of the times she has been like 'what's the big deal' have accumulated into this snowball. Granted, this is hardly on her as her fault, but it hasn't helped.

I talked with the VP, and it was clear that there were children at the school with much more pressing issues than my daughter, but with how litigious things are these days, they get their backs against the wall so easily.

In my daughter's world, there is her inner voice as the top 9 important things to pay attention to, and then everything else. The impact of this can be benign like her ignoring answers to the questions she asks. And then to the frustrating when she just doesn't ingest a word spoken to her, as if no one is talking to her at all. Made with a bump in her meds, hoping that helps with the needless impulsive stuff.

This might sound a bit trite, but could this be a situation where you put some focus on your own perception of what's happening? Instagram can be riddled with terrible advice, but this one rings a bell: 'in all the effort to make a good kid, don't forget that you already have a good kid'. Or.. 'you can't make a monkey into a fish, but you can make a monkey a very good monkey'.

IOW, try not to let minor issues affect this period of your lives, your enjoyment of your daughter, and your chance to just be with her at this stage of her life. Up to now you've likely been a phenomenal parent, in the future you will likely continue to be a good parent, and the reality is there are some things that are just out of our control. So.. observe, do what you can, but try not to let the stress and anxiety ruin the relationship and time you have with your daughter.

This was a big lesson for me when we learned that our son had hearing loss. In the beginning I found myself constantly scheming about how to ensure he was learning language, but eventually I realized that in all the commotion I was missing moments along the way.
 

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"gee, dad how's is going?"
shut up you narcissist...
 

Jimmy Higgins

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Meanwhile in the following episode of My Daughter...

She did the 5k Girls on the Run race. There were dozens of people along the 5k course with signs of girl empowerment, which I thought was getting a bit corny... but darn... if those things didn't get her sprinting up again. She ran nearly the entire distance (and it was cold), with only short slowdowns of walking of which I got her to get her jogging legs back. 5k is a long distance for a very soon to be 9 year old. I didn't run that distance until a Freshmen in high school (first practice in Cross Country... 6 mile run, OI!), and I liked to run. She has hiked a lot including Ricketts Glen and Niagara Gorge so I know she has stamina, but hiking and running are two different things. So I was very impressed with her ability, with me pushing her and the volunteers along the trail encouraging her. She seems to like running. Must have got that from me.

Her pacing was awful (seemed to be a theme for most of the people in the event...) it seemed the coaching aimed more towards empowerment than running. Hopefully they add the program back to her local school and I'll try to get into volunteering to deal with running skills, assuming male coaches are allowed, I'm told they are. I was confused why the simple stuff wasn't taught... mainly form and pacing. Yes, they are only children, but children aren't dumb. Don't need to run fast, but in control. But then again, most of the kids in her pod weren't runners to begin with and were taking this for whatever other reason. The two actual runners were the two youngest kids.
 

Toni

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Meanwhile in the following episode of My Daughter...

She did the 5k Girls on the Run race. There were dozens of people along the 5k course with signs of girl empowerment, which I thought was getting a bit corny... but darn... if those things didn't get her sprinting up again. She ran nearly the entire distance (and it was cold), with only short slowdowns of walking of which I got her to get her jogging legs back. 5k is a long distance for a very soon to be 9 year old. I didn't run that distance until a Freshmen in high school (first practice in Cross Country... 6 mile run, OI!), and I liked to run. She has hiked a lot including Ricketts Glen and Niagara Gorge so I know she has stamina, but hiking and running are two different things. So I was very impressed with her ability, with me pushing her and the volunteers along the trail encouraging her. She seems to like running. Must have got that from me.

Her pacing was awful (seemed to be a theme for most of the people in the event...) it seemed the coaching aimed more towards empowerment than running. Hopefully they add the program back to her local school and I'll try to get into volunteering to deal with running skills, assuming male coaches are allowed, I'm told they are. I was confused why the simple stuff wasn't taught... mainly form and pacing. Yes, they are only children, but children aren't dumb. Don't need to run fast, but in control. But then again, most of the kids in her pod weren't runners to begin with and were taking this for whatever other reason. The two actual runners were the two youngest kids.
I'm not a runner and frankly, girls were not allowed to do real sports when I was a girl so this is just from observing my kids play soccer: Most kids don't really have much....concept of the need for form or discipline or strategy until age 10 or 11. The fact that she completed her 5K is really terrific! Not just for the physical stamina but also for the focus, endurance, and so on. My husband ran track but always hated distance because he got bored--as a high schooler. So kudos to your kid!
 

rousseau

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This is mainly aimed at Toni, but if anyone else wants to chime in feel free.

Wondering at what point you saw consistency with your kids sleeping through the night? I assume it varied, but wondering when that tended to happen for you?
 

Jimmy Higgins

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I figure that'll vary wildly by child. My daughter could sleep a long time for most of her life, at home. But the first three or so years, getting her to fall asleep... that was a pain in the butt.
 

rousseau

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That's what I figure too. My wife and I are trying to nudge our son in this direction before our youngest comes. We've had a few pretty good weeks already, but we get the feeling that we've been so responsive so far that he'll ask for food absolutely any time he's a little bit hungry, including at night. So we're trying to get him used to sleeping through without being given much or any milk.
 

Toni

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This is mainly aimed at Toni, but if anyone else wants to chime in feel free.

Wondering at what point you saw consistency with your kids sleeping through the night? I assume it varied, but wondering when that tended to happen for you?
My first ( dream child) slept through the night right before I had to go back to work—before 7 weeks of age. The only times after he did not sleep through the night were if he was sick or maybe teething.

The second one slept through the night when he was almost 3 years old, fortunately before the third one arrived. That was also the time he began to reliably nap.

#3 mostly slept through the night by about 7-8 weeks but wasn’t 100% except when sick until maybe 3 months. Pretty good/reliable but not 100%. He also had a fussy period every afternoon, just as I wanted to prepare dinner. This lasted for 4-6 weeks. It could be altered a little, by adjusting his nap time but he just seemed to be a child who…needed to release his stress of the day by crying. It really hurt my heart but firtnsteky he grew out of that relatively quickly.

The youngest slept through the night mostly by one month and reliably by 6 or 7 weeks. Napped well, was a happy, easy baby.

I was really really lucky. Only one had significant sleep problems. He just didn’t need much sleep and was easily wakened from sleep. He also had a lot of ear infections, which meant no sleep, plus teething= no sleep. But he was a beautiful kid, happy, really smart, got on well with siblings. From what he tells me now as an adult, he still sometimes deals with insomnia. I think he’d do better if he stayed off devices fir a couple of hours before bed but what do I know???? (Linking articles was not helpful)
 

Rhea

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My first child slept through the night immediately - and was losing weight in an unhealthy way because of it. So we had to start waking him up to eat. That and a few more tricks on getting him to eat enough and he started waking up on his own like a typical baby at about 4 weeks. From 4 weeks until about 3-4 months, he woke up usually once or twice. My husband and I had a plan - I pump and go to bed at 10pm. If baby wakes up before 2 am, hubby takes care of it. If he wakes up after 2am, that’s my job. So we got into a routine where we both got a guilt-free uninterrrupted 4 hours of sleep every night. After about 3 months, I think, he would sleep through the night most nights and wake up at 5-6am for the day.

Second child slept through the night slightly sooner (and none of the failure-to-thrive terror of the first one!)

One thing we did with both is try to make night wakings not scary so they could fall back asleep, hopefull before even waking us. When it was time for bed, we would sit in the dark, and put the baby in bed in he dark, and continue to sit for a while in the dark. This way, when baby woke up, everything was the same as when they went to sleep, so it was presumably less scary, and they could return to sleep. They woke, it seemed the same as when mom or dad was still in the room, they nodded off again.

Another thing we did was have three sets of sheets and sleep suits. One on the baby, one in our bed, one in the laundry. Switching frequently but with a set always spending a day or two in our bed before being put in crib. So that when they woke, they smelled us becuase they were swathed in things that had been in our bed the night before. They seemed very soothed by that.
 

rousseau

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We were a bit concerned a few months ago, but my wife mapped out a weaning from night feeds and it seems to have worked. We weren't really comfortable with sleep training, and I'd always assumed that if the baby is hungry they're hungry. But a few co-workers of my wife who'd already been through it mentioned that over time they become accustomed to night feeds. Basically, their body expects milk at night. So my wife gradually cut down the amount of milk she was feeding him at night, then eventually eliminated it all together and just held him / put him back down when he cried. He seemed to adjust fine, and now just eats more solids during the day.

We're not too worried about waking for the (smaller) baby, but both of them waking might have been a task.

@Rhea, thanks for the tips, we'll try some of that.
 

Toni

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My two youngest were 2 years apart, almost exactly. I didn't really have any issue with one waking the other at night. We kept the baby with us in our room as long as they were waking to feed at night, so there's that. But it wasn't a huge house.

My next youngest sibling and I are 19 months apart. We did not keep each other awake at night but we did keep each other awake when we were supposed to be napping when we were about 2 and 3 years old. I actually remember one instance. I blame my mom for not putting us down in different rooms....
 

bigfield

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We have a four-month old boy who has been sleeping through the night for about a month, now. I'm not sure if there was anything in particular we did that started it, but it was a welcome if unexpected change.

The long sleeps coincided with cluster feeding; the baby had several closely-spaced feeds before bedtime, as opposed to the evenly-spaced feeding timetable that we followed in the first few weeks. I don't even know what started the cluster feeding: we just gave him a bottle whenever it seemed like he was hungry (or rather, hangry) and he just drank more often at the end of the day. My partner had anticipated the change in sleep pattern, and there was probably some subtle changes in how we responded to his crying (i.e. we tried the bottle first instead of assuming he was sore).

We've recently encountered the four-month sleep regression, where the baby wakes up in the night in distress. We (i.e my partner) seem to have nipped this in the bud my changing his bedtime routine: we identify when he is tired of an evening, put him in bed, tirn out the lights and comfort him until he stops grizzling. We place a hand on his chest and tap with one finger at about one beat per second, which supposedly calms him down. It takes a while sometimes but seems to work. I used to pick the baby up and rock him back to sleep when he cried, but that just ensured he would wake up in distress later.
 
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