But I am curious how you (Toni), and others who had multiples, experienced the development of subsequent children after your first. Not for any reason, just curiosity. I also wonder if your (Toni) age made a difference, because IIRC you would have been around your mid-twenties when you had your second? Ten years earlier than me.
Ours are 2.5 years apart, and we were older when we had them, like you.
Developmentally, we always felt we needed to support the younger in not feeling like a failure for not being at the same level as her older sibling. He was 2 years ahead, so of course he’s ahead. But she always felt inadequate. So there was a lot of support there.
We did try to make sure they had appropriate opportunities to gain skills and privileges. So that if the younger wanted to do chores like her brother so that she could get things like her brother, we worked with her.
When they were the age of yours, Rousseau, we did what we could to make sure older could have his older things without danger to younger, though we did delay the tiny legos until younger was safe around them.
Younger just ADORED older. Still does. She’d wake up from nap and shout his name and run to look for him. We gave him opportunities to get nice things if he included her. “Yes, we can buy this thing, but it is for both of you and you will need to share it. Are you okay with that?” And then some things, “yes we will get this, but you will need to keep it in Momma’s room because it is not safe for baby.” Once the swallow-danger age was over, all toys went back to the livingroom.
One thing we decided early on was that the kids would play in a family area, not alone in their rooms. So all toys lived in the living room. That was kid-world. The bedroom had only beds, and nothing else. (They shared a bedroom until oder was 12). So playing was with family, not behind closed doors and excluding. This worked very very well for us and I have no regrets of havng a kid-chaos living room for 18 years. They had to learn to share and talk through sharing, because they could not isolate themselves.
Side note into the teen years - we did not have doors on the bedrooms (due to non-uniform heating issues in the house - but it turned out to be something I would 100% recommend!) So they could not be locked, and they could not be slammed. They got a curtain to block light, and daughter eventually created a curtain of hanging flower garlands, but that’s another one I have no regrets. We respected the space of their rooms except for cleaning and safety, but there was never any case of “I physically bock you out.” I think they appreciated when younger that there was nothing between us, and when older that it was expected to knock on the door frame or announce an approach.
One thing that's standing out after the transition to two is how thoroughly little free time we have. Most days we're going from morning to night with negligible downtime. This wasn't unexpected, and I imagine it'll get better, but it has been eye-opening.
Yeah, that’s real, isn’t it! We marveled at the milestones of getting our time back. We loved the childhood of the kids and don’t regret the time investment… but when we go to the milestones that restored freedom - we celebrated:
- When they can get themselves to the toilet. WOW! So much time back!
- When they can get themselves into the car and buckle up.
- When they learn to color or play with clay
- When they learn to read!
- When they can help you cook instead of stopping you from cooking
- When they become bored in the grocery store instead of needy (I let them sit in the cart with a book - so relaxing for me!)
- When they can play alone and don’t need you if you’re on the phone or cooking.
- When they can help set up a tent
- When they can cook alone
- When they can stay home alone
- When they can drive!
But fun the whole time.