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Silliest things poeple believe

Malintent

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Tell us a story about some of the most ridiculous things you have gotten others to believe....

One day, I brought in the mail and found among it my village tax bill. Nothing I need to pay directly, it get's paid automatically along with my mortgage... but the letter looks important. I opened it and for whatever reason, my face must have changed while I was looking it over. My wife asked me what it was... and out of nowhere, I just came up with this....

I looked up at her with a surprised face and asked her if she had renewed our Marriage License. She said, "what?" I said, "I mentioned it like 3 months ago and you said you would mail it in at work later that day.. did you do that??" She asked, "why? what is that.. I don't remember you telling me..." I cut her off and proceeded to fake read, "... no response to a SECOND NOTICE. Please be advised...." I stopped and said, "Did you throw out a notice from the town a few weeks ago??" She started to get visible disturbed... "NO.. I mean.. I don't THINK so... WHY.. What does it say"?... I was pretending to continue to read... "... Null and Void...? re-application can be made.. blah blah blah...".

She actually started to cry.. glanced at the note and looked at me and cried out, "YOU MEAN WE AREN'T MARRIED ANYMORE"??

I was about to burst out laughing, so I put the note down next to her and started to walk upstairs saying, "whatever.. we don't need to deal with this... I don't want to go through that whole thing again.. it doesn't;t really matter either way.." She yelled up the stairs, "Ya it fucking matters! what are we going to do?" and then I heard the sound of paper rustling.... and about 3 seconds later she yelled up the stairs again... "ASSHOLE!".. So I told her that I loved her too.
 

Keith&Co.

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Shortly after i started making patrols on the USS Benjamin Franklin, I ran into a pro-nuke activist at an airport. He was really excited to learn that i had direct experience with nuclear power. But he was really kind of ignorant about the whole process. As far as i could tell, he thought that for nuclear power, you get nuclear rocks and run wires into them.
I mentioned this encounter at home on leave, and no one laughed. They didn't know a whole lot about it, either, even though one cousin had been WITH ME on the tour of a nuclear power plant in high school. Instantly, i shifted gears and started talking about why it was dark on submarines.

See, the subs use what's called a teapot reactor. The stone is shaped much like a teapot. it even has a handle. When the control rod tips the pot over, electricity flows through the wires. When the control rod levels it, the wires are positioned so that there's no flow of trons through them.

Of course, this means we have radioactive electricity. So all the lightbulbs on the sub are made with leaded glass, or else we'd get sunburned while 400 feet down.

Then i get a call, months later, from my mom. Seems that there had been a story about how the experimental reactors in Idaho had been instrumental in meeting the electrical needs of the state when another power plant had suffered a casualty. Now all my relatives were calling my mother's cousin, who teaches physics in a high school, asking how they could protect themselves from the radioactive electricity flooding the grid. One was covering their wall sockets with aluminum foil so the mutant electricity wouldn't leak out...
 

Elixir

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Driving up a mountain canyon at night with my wife. A car coming the other way had one headlight out. "Padiddle!" she exclaimed. I had actually heard the term applied to a car with only one headlight, but I acted shocked.
"You don't know what that really means do you?" I asked.
"Why? Does it mean something besides a car with only one headlight?"
"Well, yes. Have been using that word a lot?"
"Sure! every time I see ca car with only one headlight. Why? What else does it mean?"
"It means an uncircumcised penis!" I told her.
"Oh... my... god..." and she turned fifteen shades of red. Then started listing the people she had probably offended. I kept a straight face for a few minutes, but she was suffering so badly - had to come clean..
 

Philos

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Folks,

In the early days of our marriage I made my wife believe that I am a demon. Coming back from a horror film (The Exorcist) she was jumpy. At home I went into the kitchen and cut a ping pong ball carefully in half. We went to bed. Before switching the light off I put the halves of the ping pong ball into my eye sockets. I was laying close with my back to her. Then I let out a low growl and turned around.

You can guess the result.

A.
 

Keith&Co.

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We drove across the country to get married. That night, i found some rice in my wife's hair. She laughed, we snuggled... In the morning she showered and washed her hair.
The next day, we went to Jackson Hole. In the hotel that night, i found some rice in her hair. She smiled in chagrin and brushed her hair.
Started back home the next day. Got to our first motel, getting ready for bed, found some rice in her hair. She didn't smile. Brushed her hair.
Another couple hundred miles later, next motel, i found rice in her hair. She got up and showered, washing her hair, bitching all the while. Tenacious, this minute rice shit. Why oh why did my mother pick minute rice for this?
the next day we were stopped for lunch. I got cash out of my pocket to pay the bill. Some rice spilled out onto the table.
"What the fuck is that?" she asked.
"That's rice from our wedding," i said. "Must have fallen in there, too."
"Those aren't the pants you wore to the wedding," she said in a dangerously calm voice.
"Why, i believe you're right!"
"Is that a hair, stuck to one of those grains of rice?" I nodded. "MY hair?" I nodded.
"Have you seriously been saving the rice you find in my hair every night? Some weird sort of souvenir?"
"Not exactly. This is the rice i've been dropping into your hair every night, then, surprise, finding it."




I didn't find any rice in her hair that night.
 

Philos

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We drove across the country to get married. That night, i found some rice in my wife's hair. She laughed, we snuggled... In the morning she showered and washed her hair.
The next day, we went to Jackson Hole. In the hotel that night, i found some rice in her hair. She smiled in chagrin and brushed her hair.
Started back home the next day. Got to our first motel, getting ready for bed, found some rice in her hair. She didn't smile. Brushed her hair.
Another couple hundred miles later, next motel, i found rice in her hair. She got up and showered, washing her hair, bitching all the while. Tenacious, this minute rice shit. Why oh why did my mother pick minute rice for this?
the next day we were stopped for lunch. I got cash out of my pocket to pay the bill. Some rice spilled out onto the table.
"What the fuck is that?" she asked.
"That's rice from our wedding," i said. "Must have fallen in there, too."
"Those aren't the pants you wore to the wedding," she said in a dangerously calm voice.
"Why, i believe you're right!"
"Is that a hair, stuck to one of those grains of rice?" I nodded. "MY hair?" I nodded.
"Have you seriously been saving the rice you find in my hair every night? Some weird sort of souvenir?"
"Not exactly. This is the rice i've been dropping into your hair every night, then, surprise, finding it."




I didn't find any rice in her hair that night.

Keith,

Excellent. Is this you?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQEX5FKpevE

A.
 

fast

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Tell us a story about some of the most ridiculous things you have gotten others to believe....

One day, I brought in the mail and found among it my village tax bill. Nothing I need to pay directly, it get's paid automatically along with my mortgage... but the letter looks important. I opened it and for whatever reason, my face must have changed while I was looking it over. My wife asked me what it was... and out of nowhere, I just came up with this....

I looked up at her with a surprised face and asked her if she had renewed our Marriage License. She said, "what?" I said, "I mentioned it like 3 months ago and you said you would mail it in at work later that day.. did you do that??" She asked, "why? what is that.. I don't remember you telling me..." I cut her off and proceeded to fake read, "... no response to a SECOND NOTICE. Please be advised...." I stopped and said, "Did you throw out a notice from the town a few weeks ago??" She started to get visible disturbed... "NO.. I mean.. I don't THINK so... WHY.. What does it say"?... I was pretending to continue to read... "... Null and Void...? re-application can be made.. blah blah blah...".

She actually started to cry.. glanced at the note and looked at me and cried out, "YOU MEAN WE AREN'T MARRIED ANYMORE"??

I was about to burst out laughing, so I put the note down next to her and started to walk upstairs saying, "whatever.. we don't need to deal with this... I don't want to go through that whole thing again.. it doesn't;t really matter either way.." She yelled up the stairs, "Ya it fucking matters! what are we going to do?" and then I heard the sound of paper rustling.... and about 3 seconds later she yelled up the stairs again... "ASSHOLE!".. So I told her that I loved her too.
You fucking bastard!

I wanted to cry with her, but then again, I wanna laugh with you too.

Fucking asshole!

Good job, but damn, don't do that anymore.
 

Brian63

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Here I was just lurking over at the Rapture Ready forum (I have an addiction to reading posts by them on occasion) and came across this gem, posted after Hurricane Irma struck Florida:

Did God Protect President Trump's Mansion?

The title will probably give it away, but seriously you also have to read the content of what these people are spurting out. Thank you God, for protecting Trump's mansion while You still destroyed every thing and every one else around it. You are so Good! You love everyone so much, as evidenced by all those lives you have ruined! (except for that one there)

Brian
 

fast

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Here I was just lurking over at the Rapture Ready forum (I have an addiction to reading posts by them on occasion) and came across this gem, posted after Hurricane Irma struck Florida:

Did God Protect President Trump's Mansion?

The title will probably give it away, but seriously you also have to read the content of what these people are spurting out. Thank you God, for protecting Trump's mansion while You still destroyed every thing and every one else around it. You are so Good! You love everyone so much, as evidenced by all those lives you have ruined! (except for that one there)

Brian
Was what I bolded your own interjections, or was it actually written?

If you say they said something and contend to convey to us what they said, it's misleading to add your take on it when presented as what they said when it's instead your take on it.
 

Brian63

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Was what I bolded your own interjections, or was it actually written?

If you say they said something and contend to convey to us what they said, it's misleading to add your take on it when presented as what they said when it's instead your take on it.

What? No, I was not quoting them as saying those exact words. If I had been doing that, I would have put actual quotation marks around them. It was clearly my editorializing and satirizing of what they were saying. You do not need to explicitly say "this is my interpretation of what [people X] are saying" whenever you describe what is basically the same thing as what [people X] are saying. That is pretty clear, any time you listen to political commentary, social commentary, etc. You are allowed to editorialize and satirize what other people say, and it is understood that is what you are doing (most of the time).

Brian
 

fast

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Was what I bolded your own interjections, or was it actually written?

If you say they said something and contend to convey to us what they said, it's misleading to add your take on it when presented as what they said when it's instead your take on it.

What? No, I was not quoting them as saying those exact words. If I had been doing that, I would have put actual quotation marks around them. It was clearly my editorializing and satirizing of what they were saying. You do not need to explicitly say "this is my interpretation of what [people X] are saying" whenever you describe what is basically the same thing as what [people X] are saying. That is pretty clear, any time you listen to political commentary, social commentary, etc. You are allowed to editorialize and satirize what other people say, and it is understood that is what you are doing (most of the time).

Brian

Okay.

My bad.
 

Philos

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Folks,

I think that some Christian attitudes towards Trump are beyond any understanding. It has reached the level of 'speaking in tongues' for me. :sadyes:

A.
 

thebeave

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10 Reasons To Have A Himalayan Salt Lamp In Every Room Of Your Home
http://www.naturallivingideas.com/himalayan-pink-salt-lamp-benefits/

My partner recently bought one of these. It looks pretty but she didn't buy it out of appreciation for halite crystals, and I give her endless amounts of shit for it.

Reminds me of an ex. She had a Masters in Genetics from the Univ of California, so she was very bright, but was a devout Wiccan. She would attend these group chants, talked about the "good energy" and "bad energy" in a room or situation and had some sort of wand she used to cast spells, and once gave me an amulet made of various herbs and spices as a good luck charm for a business deal I was working on. She said her future house would have a room just for casting spells, etc. Funny thing is, we had a lot of laughs poking fun at silly Christian beliefs, but she could never see the silliness of her Wiccan beliefs. That always blew my mind.
 

snoiduspoitus

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Oh, the silliest thing I've ever heard is that an elected official stated to me that it was so cold outside that the stars were falling out of the sky.

The giant colander in the sky I guess.
 

Malintent

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Driving up a mountain canyon at night with my wife. A car coming the other way had one headlight out. "Padiddle!" she exclaimed. I had actually heard the term applied to a car with only one headlight, but I acted shocked.
"You don't know what that really means do you?" I asked.
"Why? Does it mean something besides a car with only one headlight?"
"Well, yes. Have been using that word a lot?"
"Sure! every time I see ca car with only one headlight. Why? What else does it mean?"
"It means an uncircumcised penis!" I told her.
"Oh... my... god..." and she turned fifteen shades of red. Then started listing the people she had probably offended. I kept a straight face for a few minutes, but she was suffering so badly - had to come clean..

OMG that story reminded me of another (in a car)... My mother-in-law was driving my wife and I to the airport (so sweet of her - saved us a lot of effort for this particular trip)...
I was in the back seat and my wife was in the front. Mom was driving... We were over 30 minutes away from the airport when my wife says that she has to doody. Standard response from Mom, "we'll be there soon". My wife then says that it's OK, because she is already wearing her diaper. I caught on to where she was going with that immediately, knowing my wife and her fascination with all things poopy humor. Mom was like "Wat?". So I jumped in and said, "well sure... you can't travel all day without wearing your diaper. That would be crazy. I usually put mine on at the airport... but it is easier for me to change into it than it is for her". After a few seconds of back and forth on the benefits and conveniences of wearing a diaper while traveling, and mom growing increasingly shocked and dismayed, my wife must have (I couldn't directly see from the back).. put on a... face. That face. The grimace. Mom practically drove off the road freaking out over what she thought was her daughter taking a shit in the front seat of her car. She screamed "Don't do that in my car!! Oh my god you are!"

so, of course I completely lost it.. couldn't even breath I was laughing so hard... like a top 10 of my life laugh. And then my wife slayed me with what I call to this day the most golden piece of comedy I have ever heard. As Mom continued to freak out and point out that there were plenty of public restrooms she could use, my wife came up with this:

"MOM! Why would I use a PUBLIC bathroom when I can go in the PRIVACY of my own pants!"

I nearly lost consciousness from not being able to inhale, laughing so hard.
 

Keith&Co.

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My second Leading Petty officer, a guy trained in the maintenance of nuclear weapons and their guidance systems, maintained that people act crazy during the full moon because of the increased gravitational attraction... The moon's bigger, so it pulls harder on the human brain and... And... um.

Same guy... We used to get weather reports for the conditions over our targets. Wind speed, direction, air density. Funny thing was, the computer that generated the messages sometimes sent out a -000 value. I came to understand that if a value was negative, it would stay negative until a positive value was entered. So if a -002 wind stopped blowing, it dropped to -000, then might became +001 the next day. If it dropped again, it would go from +001 to +000

But the computer on board the sub wasn't programmed for negative zero. If we typed in -000, it would change it to +000. . PO Idiot did a spot check of my procedure one day, caught that the reader said 'minus zero zero zero' and when I went to verify, I said 'plus zip zip zip.' Ordered us to start troubleshooting the problem.
There was no problem. Nothing to troubleshoot. The system was working. This issue Had quite literally ZERO impact on the missile's flight. A zero velocity wind meant the missile made zero flight corrections to reach the target, whether or not it was positive or negative zero. And it wasn't a rounding error, the computer ONLY got the numbers we typed in, not like there was a value behind the decimal that we just couldn't see.
He threatened to pull my supervisor quals because I refused to troubleshoot a NOTAPROBLEM condition. I pointed out that if I was off the watchbill, he'd have to cover more hours, and his leisure time would be cut in half. He didn't punish me, but he did grumble quite a bit...
 

Malintent

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Malintent

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My second Leading Petty officer, a guy trained in the maintenance of nuclear weapons and their guidance systems, maintained that people act crazy during the full moon because of the increased gravitational attraction... The moon's bigger, so it pulls harder on the human brain and... And... um.

Same guy... We used to get weather reports for the conditions over our targets. Wind speed, direction, air density. Funny thing was, the computer that generated the messages sometimes sent out a -000 value. I came to understand that if a value was negative, it would stay negative until a positive value was entered. So if a -002 wind stopped blowing, it dropped to -000, then might became +001 the next day. If it dropped again, it would go from +001 to +000

But the computer on board the sub wasn't programmed for negative zero. If we typed in -000, it would change it to +000. . PO Idiot did a spot check of my procedure one day, caught that the reader said 'minus zero zero zero' and when I went to verify, I said 'plus zip zip zip.' Ordered us to start troubleshooting the problem.
There was no problem. Nothing to troubleshoot. The system was working. This issue Had quite literally ZERO impact on the missile's flight. A zero velocity wind meant the missile made zero flight corrections to reach the target, whether or not it was positive or negative zero. And it wasn't a rounding error, the computer ONLY got the numbers we typed in, not like there was a value behind the decimal that we just couldn't see.
He threatened to pull my supervisor quals because I refused to troubleshoot a NOTAPROBLEM condition. I pointed out that if I was off the watchbill, he'd have to cover more hours, and his leisure time would be cut in half. He didn't punish me, but he did grumble quite a bit...

In Unreal engine, a video game development tool, it is possible to end up with an internally calculated value of -0.0 for one or more vector dimensions. It happens quite a lot when rotating a 3d object... sounds like it is the exact same deal you observed in your system... both are doing vector math and arriving at 0 from a negative value. It causes no harm in UE.. .it is equivalent to +0.0. HOWEVER, when calculating offsets in animation sequences, if you ENTER -0.0 as the value of one of the dimensions of an origin point, unexpected behavior results. so, in this particular engine, entering a value of -0.0 is invalid, but deriving an internally calculated number through a transformation as -0.0 IS valid. It's one thing to have a display error, and another to have a math error.
 

Loren Pechtel

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My second Leading Petty officer, a guy trained in the maintenance of nuclear weapons and their guidance systems, maintained that people act crazy during the full moon because of the increased gravitational attraction... The moon's bigger, so it pulls harder on the human brain and... And... um.

Same guy... We used to get weather reports for the conditions over our targets. Wind speed, direction, air density. Funny thing was, the computer that generated the messages sometimes sent out a -000 value. I came to understand that if a value was negative, it would stay negative until a positive value was entered. So if a -002 wind stopped blowing, it dropped to -000, then might became +001 the next day. If it dropped again, it would go from +001 to +000

But the computer on board the sub wasn't programmed for negative zero. If we typed in -000, it would change it to +000. . PO Idiot did a spot check of my procedure one day, caught that the reader said 'minus zero zero zero' and when I went to verify, I said 'plus zip zip zip.' Ordered us to start troubleshooting the problem.
There was no problem. Nothing to troubleshoot. The system was working. This issue Had quite literally ZERO impact on the missile's flight. A zero velocity wind meant the missile made zero flight corrections to reach the target, whether or not it was positive or negative zero. And it wasn't a rounding error, the computer ONLY got the numbers we typed in, not like there was a value behind the decimal that we just couldn't see.
He threatened to pull my supervisor quals because I refused to troubleshoot a NOTAPROBLEM condition. I pointed out that if I was off the watchbill, he'd have to cover more hours, and his leisure time would be cut in half. He didn't punish me, but he did grumble quite a bit...

Was he so thick-headed that one of your missiles couldn't penetrate?
 

Elixir

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There came a point about 20 years ago, when Boulder CO, the sleepy little college/ranching town where I had had a place since 1972, suddenly seemed like New York City (but more yuppified). Now both my wife and I wanted to head for more rural climes.
3½ Southwest we found a idyllic valley surrounded by 14ers, bought a piece of riverfront and made plans to build and move - ourselves and our Company. I was shuttling back an forth, overseeing the house-building and the office building, and Mrs Elixir stayed home in Boulder the whole time. She began to make noises like "where will I be able to shop?" ... so I reassured her there was a mall, right outside town. Boy, was she excited about that! A couple of months later she accompanied me on a trip to the new place - I had forgotten about the "mall", but she hadn't. "Where is that mall?" she asked, with incredible timing. "Coming right up on your right!" I informed her. And sure enough, there was the sign - NATHROP MALL, and there was the "MALL" :

Nathrop Mall.jpg

Much anger ensued. Mercifully, the Nathrop Mall burned down about a week later, so we never got a chance to experience its disappointments. But Mrs Elixir hasn't let me forget it... 20 years later !
 

Keith&Co.

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Was he so thick-headed that one of your missiles couldn't penetrate?
Not OUR missiles...
But on one patrol, his technician plugged a soldering pencil into a socket in the overhead. It swung there, in mid-air. If Supervisor got up out of the chair he was allowed in, the tech threatened to burn his eyes out.
"I'll tell the weapons officer!" Supervisor complained.
"Whose idea do you think this was!?" Tech replied.
 

Shake

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My M-I-L used to think that the "no candy" checkout lanes at the grocery store meant she had to use another lane if she was buying candy.
 

Keith&Co.

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So, Walmart has the scanners located throughout the store where you can find out the price of anything by scanning the bar code.
At a store in Jacksonville, Florida, a woman checked a price and decided she didn't want to buy it. As I walked by, she was asking a store employee to help her remove the cost of the item from her account, in a belief that the scanner would remember her and tell the scanners at the checkout lane to charge her for this item.
He was trying to explain reality to her LONG after I'd have just said, 'turn the item upside down and scan it again.'
 

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I heard one lady tell another..."Ewww, I could never use recycled toilet paper"... she thought, well never mind.
 

iolo

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After Brexit and Trump, minor sillinesses shrink to nothing, alas!
 

Malintent

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"Minor Sillinesses" (such as these wonderful tales) are the spice of life.... even amongst a disaster, one must still strive to live happy.
 

Malintent

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Someone PMed me regarding my first story... and it totally reminded me of another.... The sender said, "Happy divorce"...
So, background... my family is full of divorce... no one in my family has been married less than 3 times... seriously... my parents, all of their siblings... all of my cousins... my second cousins are too young to have been married... and my grand parents stayed together until my grandfather died fairly young.

So. At the family dinner the night before our wedding, My Aunt (married 3 times), made reference to my Soon-to-Be-Wife as my "First Wife". Right in front of her. No one at the table of over a dozen people caught that except me and her. We looked at each other and furrowed our brows to each other as if to say "did we just hear that". I stopped my aunt in the middle of whatever she was talking about and asked, "did you just call her my 'first wife'"?
No one at the table understood what I was asking... my aunt said, "why, were you secretly married before?" I said, "no, but most normal people don't enter into marriage under the assumption that it will be just one of many". The family looked around at each other... and then broke into hysterics. Eventually, one of my uncles got out, "ah, to be young again"... and revived the hysterics.
Anyway, my marriage is still fine, even after 8 years now.
 

LordKiran

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In a single statement? Pff
"Minor Sillinesses" (such as these wonderful tales) are the spice of life.... even amongst a disaster, one must still strive to live happy.

You've obviously never visited Wales. It's monumentally depressing.

If the internet is accurate, Wales is a land of sheep and the men who breed with them.
 
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