Wiploc
Veteran Member
I give up.
But while I'm waiting for the answer to that one, I'll tell this one:
The rabbit said he was thinking of crossing the road.
The chicken said, "You'll never hear the end of it."
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The Morality of Abortion: wiploc and thatguysnephew
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I give up.
But while I'm waiting for the answer to that one, I'll tell this one:
The rabbit said he was thinking of crossing the road.
The chicken said, "You'll never hear the end of it."
thatguysnephew
New member
Wiploc
Veteran Member
Works for me.
I disagree with the assumptions made by the joke. But that doesn't make it less funny.
I assume that the image of god was originally literal. Gods walked on two legs back in those days.
These days, I don't think it means anything at all.
I don't see the justice in Christianity. Everybody is condemned. Nobody can possibly be worthy. The only difference is whether you worship Jesus. Hitler is in Heaven if he worshiped at the end. Mother Teresa is in Hell if she had a bad thought at the end. The most vicious people can wind up in the good place while the best people wind up in the bad place.
That system isn't about justice.
Hey, I'm not a hair-trigger poster either.
Wiploc
Veteran Member
Unfertilized eggs exist just like fertilized eggs. Unfertilized eggs are human eggs, as human as fertilized eggs. If killing a fertilized egg amounts to "uncreating a human," then so does killing an unfertilized one. There's no difference that I can see. Neither egg is a person with cares and wants and fears.
Wiploc
Veteran Member
Denver is remarkably mild. Cool summers and the winters are comfortably warm.
I had to give my class a two-minute pitch last week:
- Book. Jonathan Haidt wrote it: The Righteous Mind: Why Good People are Divided by Politics and Religion.
- You need this book. It’s fun, easy, and full of ideas you never had before.
- You need this book unless you’re in my class. We’ll have lecture, discussion, video, but no homework—and no disputes. No disputes because we won’t be there to decide who's right. We’ll be there to learn how people think.
- The name of the class is: The Righteous Mind: Why Good People are Divided by Politics and Religion.
- Liberals care about harm and fairness. Conservatives care about harm, fairness, hierarchy, purity, and sanctity. If we don’t understand this about each other, then we can hardly hope to have productive conversation.
- For instance, liberals wonder What’s the Matter with Kansas. They don’t understand that Kansas votes its moral interests ahead of economic. And if liberals don’t understand that, how can they hope to frame an argument that Kansas understands?
- Want conservatives to support national parks? Point out that these parks are part of the American way of life. Want liberals to support burying nuclear waste in salt mines? Point out the scientific consensus that it’s safe.
- If you’re tired of thinking some of your friends and relatives—and half of your country—are hate-filled weirdos, if you’re tired of coming across as a hate-filled weirdo yourself, if you wish you were better at seeing the good in people who disagree with you, then this is the class for you:
- Monday afternoons. The Righteous Mind: Why Good People are Divided by Politics and Religion.
I figure a single page of doublespace text takes two and a half minutes to deliver out loud.
Hmm. I may have around here somewhere.
I wonder if the arachnophobia support group has a website.
Does anyone know what sliced bread was the best thing since?
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about the living conditions in a circus, but the couple produces photos of their 50-foot luxury motor home, which is clean and well-maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers also raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask, "What age and gender child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
Carnak the Magnificent joke:
The answer is: Mine shaft.
Question: What’s the name of Hitler’s book about his divorce?
Mixed metaphor is a two-edged sword from which we shall all hang.
My pet snail was doing poorly in the neighborhood snail races. I thought he might do better if I removed his shell, but it turned out that made him even more sluggish.
No matter how much you push the envelope … it’s still stationary.
I used to go out with a woman who lived on a houseboat.
Unfortunately we drifted apart.
“True friends stab you in the front.”
-- Oscar Wilde
The rabbit said he might cross the road.
The chicken said, “You’ll never hear the end of it.”
People who can’t distinguish etymology from entomology bug me in ways I can’t put into words.
A couple days ago, my wife asked me to hand her her lipstick. I accidentally gave her a tube of contact cement. She still isn’t talking to me.
Humans are 90% water. Basically, we’re just cucumbers with anxiety.
I just had acupuncture for my bad back.
When I got home, my voodoo doll was dead.
In 1967, Israel fought Egypt, Syria, and Jordan in the 6 Day war. The Arab countries were assisted by Soviet advisors.
On the first day of the war, as Israeli forces pushed into Egypt, the Soviet advisor suggested that Egyptian forces fall back and regroup. The next day, as the IDF rolled deeper into Egypt, the advisor again suggested a retreat. This continued for another four days, at which point the IDF was on the outskirts of Cairo. The Egyptian generals spoke to the Soviet again. “We’ve fallen back to the capital! We can’t go any farther! What now?!?”
The Soviet advisor smiled confidently and said “Now? Now we wait for winter.”
There are two kinds of people in this world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
I told a chemistry joke once,
but there was no reaction.
Two white actors in Black Panther also played Gollum and Bilbo Baggins. They were the two Tolkien white guys.
I, for one, like Roman numerals.
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
I love irony. It’s the opposite of wrinkly.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
I'm a die hard atheist: I don't believe in Bruce Willis.
I bought a guitar amplifier off Craigslist. The ad said it was half price because the volume was stuck on 10. I thought, "I can't turn that down."
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar at exactly the same time. Probably just a coincidence.
You can distinguish alligators from crocodiles by noting whether they see you later or after awhile.
Q. How do you measure a snake?
A. In inches. Cause they don't have feet.
Kilt: What happens to anyone who calls it a skirt.
I was in the park this afternoon, when a rather irate woman came up to me and asked "Excuse me, are you taking photos of my kids on your iphone?"
I said, "Well, yes I am taking pictures, but it's not what you think."
"Oh really?" she said, "What is it, then?"
I said, "It's a Galaxy S5."
A man and his wife went to the check in desk of a budget airline.
" Do you have reservations? " asked the check in clerk.
" Of course we have reservations ," said the man.
" But we're flying with you anyway,"
I just ordered a chicken and an egg through Amazon.
I'll keep you posted.
Knew a guy named Dave who lived in the same apartment-building as a drug dealer. He got really pissed at the number of people going in and out of the building. So he renamed his wifi “police_surveillance_van4”, and after about a week the dealer moved away.
Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small
plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the
pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let
us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off.
However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power
the little plane couldn't possibly handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived
the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
[Note: I've discovered that I can tell jokes like this if I tell them on myself. Instead of two Irishmen, I make this one about me and my brother.]
Where is the best place to start to learn programming/coding?
Two resources that I started with:
- Greenfoot and BlueJay programming tutorials. These two tutorials teach you the very basics of programming in Java. It's super simplified, yet helps you develop that “programmers state of mind”. It helps you understand the difference between a human language, and a computer language.
- Coursera has some excellent python courses. Introduction to programming in Python by Rice University. This program is fantastic for two reasons: first, you'll be writing lots of fun code. Second, you'll be reviewing other people's code, and likewise they will review yours. Peer reviewing is perhaps THE best way to quickly accelerate your learning.
Try Teach Yourself Computer Science, it’s one of the best. (Expect it to take a lot of time - the site estimated 1,000–2,000 hours.)
[Okay, that's not funny. But, the name of this file is Jokes and Notes, so some of it won't be.]
My father once happened to be sitting next to a Navy SEAL on a flight.
Being the charismatic gentleman that he is, my dad struck up conversation with this SEAL. Naturally, the SEAL started to divulge a bunch of cool war stories that impressed my old man. One of these involved being dropped into Grenada during the fiasco in the 80’s.
Eventually, as the conversation progressed, my father noticed something odd about the SEAL. He was acting uncontrollably nervous, sweating bullets (no pun intended), stammering and not to mention he had hammered down about 3 Scotches, on a morning flight no less.
My father was perplexed that this elite warrior was suddenly acting so jittery and unsettling out of nowhere. It sort of diffused the whole Navy SEAL demeanor.
Finally, my dad asked the SEAL:
“Hey man. I've noticed you've been acting very nervous. For a guy like you that’s been on the frontlines of battle, that has been all over the world, that is at the top of the top of all soldiers, what on earth has you so uneasy???”
His response:
“I'm on my way to my wedding.”
Two guys in the woods found some tracks. One guy said they were bear tracks. The other guy said they were deer tracks. If they'd looked around, they'd have seen what kind of tracks they were, but they didn't. Instead, they just stood there arguing so fiercely that they were hit by the train.
What has four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler.
1. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
2. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
3. Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong"
4. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
5. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
6. I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said "Thanks"
I said "Don't mention it"
7. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
8. I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
I have a fear of public speaking, and a poor imagination; so I need you to take off your clothes now.
An anthropologist walks into a bar and asks, "Why is this joke funny?"
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
They're not laughing now.
I'm not a nihilist, I'm a hypocrite. At least I have standards.
[When I was a kid, that would have been a semicolon rather than a comma.]
A cop came up to me the other day and said: " where were you between four and six?"
I said: " primary school."
A lot of conflict in the old west could have been avoided if they'd just made their towns big enough for everyone.
I have a stepladder. . . . I never knew my real ladder.
My mother asked me to help plan my brother's surprise birthday party. I guess I know which twin is her favorite.
“Profanity is the crutch of the inarticulate motherfucker.”
[Yes, you get to edit this file yourself.]
Forty-five billion dollars found in Nigerian man's flat. He'd spent ten years trying to give it away, but no one would answer his emails.
These two guys were on death row and scheduled to be executed on the same day.
The day came and they were led to the gas chamber
Warden (to first guy): Do you have a last request?
First guy: To play Achey Breakey Heart on the bagpipes.
Warden: Sure we can arrange that. (to second guy) and do you have a last request?
Second guy: That you kill me first.
100 favorite books of David Bowie:
Interviews With Francis Bacon by David Sylvester
Billy Liar by Keith Waterhouse
Room At The Top by John Braine
On Having No Head by Douglass Harding
Kafka Was The Rage by Anatole Broyard
A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
City Of Night by John Rechy
The Brief Wondrous Life Of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz
Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert
Iliad by Homer
As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner
Tadanori Yokoo by Tadanori Yokoo
Berlin Alexanderplatz by Alfred Döblin
Inside The Whale And Other Essays by George Orwell
Mr. Norris Changes Trains by Christopher Isherwood
Halls Dictionary Of Subjects And Symbols In Art by James A. Hall
David Bomberg by Richard Cork
Blast by Wyndham Lewis
Passing by Nella Larson
Beyond The Brillo Box by Arthur C. Danto
The Origin Of Consciousness In The Breakdown Of The Bicameral Mind by Julian Jaynes
In Bluebeard’s Castle by George Steiner
Hawksmoor by Peter Ackroyd
The Divided Self by R. D. Laing
The Stranger by Albert Camus
Infants Of The Spring by Wallace Thurman
The Quest For Christa T by Christa Wolf
The Songlines by Bruce Chatwin
Nights At The Circus by Angela Carter
The Master And Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov
The Prime Of Miss Jean Brodieby Muriel Spark
Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov
Herzog by Saul Bellow
Puckoon by Spike Milligan
Black Boy by Richard Wright
The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Sailor Who Fell From Grace With The Sea by Yukio Mishima
Darkness At Noon by Arthur Koestler
The Waste Land by T.S. Elliot
McTeague by Frank Norris
Money by Martin Amis
The Outsider by Colin Wilson
Strange People by Frank Edwards
English Journey by J.B. Priestley
A Confederacy Of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole
The Day Of The Locust by Nathanael West
1984 by George Orwell
The Life And Times Of Little Richard by Charles White
Awopbopaloobop Alopbamboom: The Golden Age of Rock by Nik Cohn
Mystery Train by Greil Marcus
Beano (comic, ’50s)
Raw (comic, ’80s)
White Noise by Don DeLillo
Sweet Soul Music: Rhythm And Blues And The Southern Dream Of Freedom by Peter Guralnick
Silence: Lectures And Writing by John Cage
Writers At Work: The Paris Review Interviews edited by Malcolm Cowley
The Sound Of The City: The Rise Of Rock And Roll by Charlie Gillete
Octobriana And The Russian Underground by Peter Sadecky
The Street by Ann Petry
Wonder Boys by Michael Chabon
Last Exit To Brooklyn By Hubert Selby, Jr.
A People’s History Of The United States by Howard Zinn
The Age Of American Unreason by Susan Jacoby
Metropolitan Life by Fran Lebowitz
The Coast Of Utopia by Tom Stoppard
The Bridge by Hart Crane
All The Emperor’s Horses by David Kidd
Fingersmith by Sarah Waters
Earthly Powers by Anthony Burgess
The 42nd Parallel by John Dos Passos
Tales Of Beatnik Glory by Ed Saunders
The Bird Artist by Howard Norman
Nowhere To Run The Story Of Soul Music by Gerri Hirshey
Before The Deluge by Otto Friedrich
Sexual Personae: Art And Decadence From Nefertiti To Emily Dickinson by Camille Paglia
The American Way Of Death by Jessica Mitford
In Cold Blood by Truman Capote
Lady Chatterly’s Lover by D.H. Lawrence
Teenage by Jon Savage
Vile Bodies by Evelyn Waugh
The Hidden Persuaders by Vance Packard
The Fire Next Time by James Baldwin
Viz (comic, early ’80s)
Private Eye (satirical magazine, ’60s – ’80s)
Selected Poems by Frank O’Hara [Only The Lunch Poems]
The Trial Of Henry Kissinger by Christopher Hitchens
Flaubert’s Parrot by Julian Barnes
Maldodor by Comte de Lautréamont
On The Road by Jack Kerouac
Mr. Wilson’s Cabinet of Wonders by Lawrence Weschler
Zanoni by Edward Bulwer-Lytton
Transcendental Magic, Its Doctine and Ritual by Eliphas Lévi
The Gnostic Gospels by Elaine Pagels
The Leopard by Giusseppe Di Lampedusa
Inferno by Dante Alighieri
A Grave For A Dolphin by Alberto Denti di Pirajno
The Insult by Rupert Thomson
In Between The Sheets by Ian McEwan
A People’s Tragedy by Orlando Figes
Journey Into The Whirlwind by Eugenia Ginzburg
I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?''
I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
Remember how great nostalgia used to be?
Did you know that when a duck grows up ... it grows down.
What do you get when you drop a nuclear bomb on a herd of cows?
Udder destruction.
You know why they only eat one egg for breakfast in France? Because, in France, one egg is an oeuf.
[Pronounced pretty much as, "an egg is enough." ]
Many men assume that the larger a woman's breasts are, the less stupider she is. They've actually got it backwards: the larger a woman's breasts are, the stupider men are.
Q: Did you hear about the mechanical genius who built a combination television and microwave oven?
A: Yes, he can watch Gone with the Wind in seventeen minutes.
An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What's the point? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
WHAT'S AMORE?
(Five bad jokes, followed by one that’s ruinous.)
When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie
That's amore.
When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned
That's a moray.
When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That's our mores.
When your mule’s eating lunch
And you bring ‘nother bunch
That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife
She gets stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight
Used a sword in a fight
That's Samurai.
"For a list of the ways technology has failed to improve the
quality of life, please press three."
Adam Rabbinovitz goes to confess to the priest. "Father, at 78 years of age I am an elderly man and although I've always kept kosher and observed all the holidays I have sinned. I've been having an affair with a beautiful 25 year old woman." The priest was surprised but said nothing. "To top that off, I've also been sleeping with her younger sister." The priest interrupted him and said, "yes, but why are you telling me this?" "Hey," Adam replied, "at my age I'm telling everybody."
What do you get when you take the circumference of your
jack-o-lantern and divide it by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Q: Have you tried our new kosher cheesesteak on Wonder Bread?
A: It's a blasphemy wrapped in an atrocity.
Why don’t elephants bury their dead?
Because that would be a huge undertaking.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace just does that to you.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact with women?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the shipment of Viagra that was hijacked? The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four
anywhere.
16 Reasons Why God Never Received Tenure at the University
Author Unknown
He had only one major publication
And it was in Hebrew
And it had no references
And it was not published in a refereed journal
And some even doubted that He wrote it Himself.
It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate His results.
He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
When subjects did not behave as predicted, He often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample.
He rarely came to class: He just told students to read the book.
He has his son teach the class.
He expelled His first two students for learning too much.
Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
His office hours were infrequent, and usually held on a mountain top."
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
Quayle, Gingrich, and Packwood are traveling in a car together
in the midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into
the air and tosses them away. When they come to and extract
themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the Land of
Oz. They decide to go see the Wizard of Oz. Quayle says, "I'm
going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Gingrich says, "I'm going
to ask the Wizard for a heart." Packwood says, "Where's Dorothy?"
- A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!" "What do you mean? I'm fine." "What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really." "Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you had both hands." "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really." "Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes." "One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!" "Ah, well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
A network executive was interviewing a young blonde. He asked, "If you
could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it
be?"
The blonde thought for a minute, then replied, "The living one."
[Again, I tell this on myself. I thought a minute, and then said, "The living one."]
The original version of this appeared in Roger Zelazny's collection of
stories, CREATURES OF LIGHT AND DARKNESS, Avon paperback edition, 1970,
page 40, edited somewhat, to make it useable on more occasions.
"Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I
say, I ask, if it matters, that we be forgiven for anything we may have
done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure
any possible benefit for which we may be eligible after the destruction of
our bodies, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as
the case may be, in such a manner as to insure our receiving said benefit. I
ask this on behalf of all people present in my capacity as our chosen
intermediary between ourselves and that which may not be ourselves, but
which may have an interest in the matter of our receiving as much as it is
possible for us to receive of this benefit, and which may in some way be
influenced by this ceremony.
Amen."
What do you get if you divide the circumference of your Jack-O-Lantern
by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi
The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362
admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love
heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. ---Lynn Lavner
A student essay stated, "The girl tumbled down the stairs and lay
prostitute at the bottom."
In the margin of the paper, the professor commented, "My dear sir, you
must learn to distinguish between a fallen woman and one who has merely
slipped."
Why I Still Play Poker:
A guy was playing 10-20 holdem and was stuck about 300 dollars when he looked down beside the table and saw a little green leprechaun.
"Quit playing poker forever right now and I'll give you a pot of gold worth a million dollars.", said the little fellow.
The player replied, "Let me get even first."
Tom Swifties
I’m going to have to send this telegram again, said Tom remorsefully.
A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to
the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a TipTop creme
filled snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get
hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
I just got some horrible news:
My new coworker is S.O.B. positive.
My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I
procrastinate. I said, "Just wait."
Being a hypocrite is better than having no values at all
I'm not a nihilist, I'm a hypocrite. At least I have principles.
My doctor said I was paranoid.
Well, he didn't actually say it, but I could tell he was thinking it.
A little old lady is playing Lo-Ball and her husband is standing
behind her and watching her play. After a while she picks up a pat wheel.
All fold but one player brings it in and she calls. He draws one and
she stands pat. He bets and she calls and of course wins. Later, her
husband asked her why she hadn't raised him. She answered.. "Screw him. He never gives ME any action!"
A man went to his doctor, who informed him that he would be dead by morning. He went home and told his wife. She asked him how he would like to spend his last few hours on earth. He replied, "I want to spend my last night making passionate love to you."
She refused, saying, "I have to get up in the morning. You don't."
I used to eat all natural foods until I found out 80% of people die from natural causes.
My doctor says I have something called "natural causes." Should I be worried?
I read that ten out of two people are dyslexic.
Did you hear about the furniture polisher who died?
He had a lovely finish.
What do you call a snowman in the desert?
A puddle.
A Buddhist monk walks into a pizzeria and says "Make me one with everything."
Why don't blind people like to skydive?
It scares the heck out of the dogs.
what do we want? Procrastination.
When do we want it? Uh . . .
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Guy joins a monastery that requires a vow of silence. He is allowed to speak two words every year. At the end of the first year, he goes to the head monk and says, "More blankets." At the end of the second year, he goes to the head monk and says, "More food." At the end of the third year, he goes to the head monk and says, "I'm leaving." "Good," says the head monk, "you've done nothing but complain since you got here."
The joke about the camel driver who could tell time by lifting his camel's balls. '
"You see that clock over there?"
Q. What happened to the passengers when the red ship collided with the blue ship?
A. They were marooned.
A good friend will bail you out of jail.
A great friend will be sitting in the cell beside you saying, "Damn, that was fun."
Two guys were playing golf. One guy sliced his ball into the woods. He went looking, and saw his ball down in a steep depression. He climbed down to it, whereupon he saw another ball, and a golf club, and, holding the golf club, the badly decayed corpse of another golfer. He shouted up to his friend, "Hey, Joe, would toss down my wedge? It looks like you can't get out of here with a three iron."
Grocery store clerks make you pick paper or plastic because baggers can't be
choosers
Notice:
The strong force will be turned off in the plant
this weekend for annual maintenance. Plan
your schedules accordingly.
Wayne realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to
spend much money. "How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.
"It depends on quality," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."
"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.
The clerk put the device around Wayne's neck. "You just stick this button in
your
ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" Wayne asked.
"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman said. "But when people see it on
you,
they'll talk louder!"
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a
huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"
Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
If I'm right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
Is a strumpet a guitar player's girl friend?
More than five million Americans are overweight. Of course,
these are just round figures.
Bachelor: A man who is footloose and fiancee free.
The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you
wear them awhile.
Take your hands off the car and I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document
I don't believe in the electric chair. I believe in electric bleachers.
AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.
"Welcome to the psychotherapy hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive,
please press '1' repeatedly. If you are co-dependant, please have someone
else press '2' for you. If you have multiple-personality disorder, please
press '4', '5', and '6'. If you are paranoid, don't press anything, we know
where you are and what you want."
Passenger: Why did it take us so long to get into the air?
Stewardess: The pilot refused to take off unless the engine was repaired. It took us an hour to find a replacement pilot.
There's a parrot on the plane
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
parachute
A man learning to parachute jumps out of an airplane. He pulls the main ripcord, but nothing happens. He pulls the backup ripcord, and again nothing happens. Having thus completed following his instructions, he doesn't know what to do next. He sees a guy going the other way, so he says, "Excuse me, do you know anything about parachutes?" The guy says, "No. Do you know anything about gasoline camp stoves?"
With so much turmoil in the world, God decided to pay a visit to earth to check things out. He strolled into a bar and approached the first man he saw. "If you believe in me enough to give me $50," he said, "I will grant you eternal life."
"Sorry, I'm an atheist," the fellow replied, "and have never believed in God."
God walked up to another man and made the same offer. "Well, I'm an agnostic and not really sure if I believe in you or not," the guy said, "but here's 50 bucks, just in case."
As the Lord turned away, a third man ran up to him. "I'm Pat Robertson and don't really care if you're God or not," he said excitedly. "Just teach me the trick you did with the agnostic and I'll give you $100."
An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the
local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but
was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were
already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted
to play today.
Finally, the assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked him how
many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need
any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I
have, is getting out of sand traps."
And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th, they were all even. The
Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and two-putt for a
par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand
trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which
landed on the green and rolled into the cup. Birdie, match and all the
money!
The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing
in the trap. He said: "nice shot, but I thought you said you have a
problem getting out of sand traps?"
Replied the octogenarian "I do, would you please give me a hand."
A tale is told about a small town that had historically been "dry," but then
a local businessman decided to build a tavern.
A group of Christians from a local church were concerned and planned an
all-night prayer meeting to ask God to intervene.
It just so happened that shortly thereafter lightning struck the bar and it
burned to the ground.
The owner of the bar sued the church, claiming that the prayers of the
congregation were responsible, but the church hired a lawyer to argue in
court that they were not responsible.
The presiding judge, after his initial review of the case, stated that "no
matter how this case comes out, one thing is clear. The tavern owner
believes in the power of prayer and the Christians do not."
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the naughty
girls live.
==============================================
When you stop believing in Santa Claus you start getting clothes for
Christmas.
I bid on the grilled cheese sandwich with Jesus' picture on it at eBay. I didn't manage to buy it. But then I found something even better. I bought a bag of candy-coated chocolates with Mary Magdelene's initials on each one!
Did you hear about the new Website dedicated to morse code enthusiasts?
It's www...........
My oldest daughter is academically number one in her class, President
of her class and she is prom queen. Homeschooling pays off.
Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His
name grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him
for paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo.
She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time
anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object;
she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the lady to wait
while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his wife. In a few
minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Ya shoor, you betcha. I'll
paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave on my socks so I'll have a
place to wipe my brushes."
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a
busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions,
and a woman rushed to help him.
As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the
crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've
had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and
prepared to administer artificial respiration.
At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you
get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who are familiar with binary numbers and those who aren't. And those who didn't expect this joke to be told in base three.
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist. "'I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man on the ground says, "you must work in management." "I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
==============================================
One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office.
When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her
hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.
"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass
me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've
come to spend the day with him!"
> These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
> things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
> published by court reporters.
>
> Q: Are you sexually active?
> A: No, I just lie there..
> __________________________________
>
> Q: What is your date of birth?
> A: July 15th.
> Q: What year?
> A: Every year.
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> A: Yes
> Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> A: I forget.
> Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that
> you've forgotten?
> _____________________________________
>
> Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> Q: How long has he lived with you?
> A: Forty-five years.
> _____________________________________
>
> Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
> woke up that morning?
> A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> Q: And why did that upset you?
> A: My name is Susan.
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
> voodoo or the occult?
> A: We both do.
> Q: Voodoo?
> A: We do.
> Q: You do?
> A: Yes, voodoo.
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
> sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ___________________________________
>
> Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> _____________________________________
>
> Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> A: Yes.
> Q: And what were you doing at that time?
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: She had three children, right?
> A: Yes.
> Q: How many were boys?
> A: None.
> Q: Were there any girls?
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
> A: By death.
> Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: Can you describe the individual?
> A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> Q: Was this a male, or a female?
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
> deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
> people?
> A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people..
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> A: Oral.
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at! the time?
> A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
> for a pulse?
> A: No.
> Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
> A: No.
> Q: Did you check for breathing?
> A: No.
> Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
> began the autopsy?
> A: No.
> Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
> practicing law somewhere.
The Top 5 Quotes We Wish Were
in the "Lord of the Rings" Movies
5> "Go not by that path, Aragorn! For my young companion Osment
sees dead people!"
4> "Smeagol, do you like movies about gladiators?"
3> "You sure you ain't never been just a wee bit curious,
Mr. Frodo?"
2> "Ha! Let the dark armies of Saruman come! It would take
an entire brigade of giant mutant four-tusked elephants
to conquer our... well, son of a bitch!"
and Number 1 Quote We Wish
Were in a "Lord of the Rings" Movie...
1> "Run, forest, run!"
I believe this is originally from Dave Barry
This is a test for men only, and all "real men" will answer C to
all of these questions. However, women will also benefit by
reviewing them, so that they get to understand men and thereby
enrich their own lives.
*****************************************
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth,
and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of
intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but
incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all
disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping
out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression
and violence all over the entire earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
*****************************************
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do
you miss the most?
A. Innocence
B. Idealism
C. Cherry bombs.
*****************************************
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without
regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope (but not on the lips)!
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the
only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business
reasons, you have to have him killed.
*****************************************
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
*****************************************
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's
attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her.
One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it
easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers
when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she
thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the
uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She
says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only
whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.
What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future,
but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you
cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a
lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding
out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on
third and seventeen.
*****************************************
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you
want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys
and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do
you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her
name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing
through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
*****************************************
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks
you to get your three children ready for school. Your first
question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "We have three of them?"
*****************************************
8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed
new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were
originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear
molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not
naming names, (but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to
discard his underwear.
*****************************************
9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.
*****************************************
10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation
for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place
for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when
they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
*****************************************
THE CREATION OF PETS
Where do pets come from?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the
answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it
is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will
be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you
will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or
childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as
you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his
tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be
a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own
name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved
them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen
like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has
indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will
be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind
them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always
worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's
eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't care one way or the other.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show
you a flat minor.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
recovered.
The following was overheard at a recent high society party...
"My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great," said one lady.
She then turned to a second woman and asked, "How far does your family go
back?"
"I don't know," was the reply. "All of our records were lost in the flood."
============
"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist.
"I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that
she had your face. You can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in
fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay
there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke,
and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me
explain the meaning of this strange dream."
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding:
"A Coke? You call that a breakfast?"
A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked,
"Mommy, are these my brains?"
Mom said, "Not yet, honey."
Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners'
clothing is rent -- that is, torn -- not rented.
Just to keep the record straight, it was the famous Whistler's Mother, not
Hitler's, that was exhibited. There is nothing to be gained in trying to
explain how this error occurred.
From a California Bar Association's newsletter to lawyers: Correction -- the
following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15
p.m." Please correct to read "12 noon."
To err is human, to moo is bovine.
My doctor just said I have something called
"natural causes." Should I be worried?
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she
got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was?
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."
Bill Gates has observed that the payoff of technology is always overestimated in the short run and underestimated in the long run.
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and
wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There
are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the
same price."
"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
"Personal" ad in local paper:
David G. Contact me soon!
Bring three rings:
Engagement, wedding, and teething.
Have news.
Debbie.
A red sign on the door of a physics professor: 'If this sign is blue, you're
going too fast.'
============
Seen on the Physics Dept. notice board...
WANTED:
Schroedinger's Cat.
DEAD OR ALIVE.
============
Heisenberg is driving down the autobahn. A police officer pulls him over.
The officer says, "Excuse me, sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says, "No, but I know where I am."
---
Q: What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
A: Nothing. You can't cross a vector with a scaler.
============
I think it was a Ziggy strip (who knew Ziggy could be funny?), but it was a
picture of him looking at a map of the "Heisenberg Science Institute"... and
there's about thirty arrows, pointing all over the map, which are marked,
"You may be here."
A similar joke was a sign outside a motel in Las Vegas during a physicists'
convention:
"HEISENBERG MAY HAVE SLEPT HERE"
A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a
winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she
could find on ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied, hoping
to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew
enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She
carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment
needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own
special place in her kit.
When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed
her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she
was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice
from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further
along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and
started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed,
"There ! are no fish under the ice!"
Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this
certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed up her
gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she
stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was
extremely careful to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the
right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to
cut this new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under
the ice!"
Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that you Lord?"
The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!"
[Again, funnier if I'm the fisherman.]
She was only the whisky maker's daughter, but he loved her still.
A rolled up newspaper can be an effective training tool when used properly.
For instance, use the rolled-up newspaper if your dog chews up something
inappropriate or has a housebreaking accident. Bring the dog over to the
destroyed object (or mess), then take the rolled-up newspaper... and hit
yourself over the head as you repeat the phrase,"I FORGOT TO WATCH MY DOG, I
FORGOT TO WATCH MY DOG!"
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of
him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty
mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas
between golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of
course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a
unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured
the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space
between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the
important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends,
your favorite passions-- things that if everything else was lost and only
they remained, your life would still be full.
"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house,
your car.
The sand is everything else--the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room
for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all
your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the
things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are
critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get
medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There
will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal.
"Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your
priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no
matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of
beers."
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers
came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3".
They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first.
"Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
-2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
-1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
-Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
-Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
-Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
-365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite
year
-16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
-Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
-1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
-Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
-Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a
moment)
-453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
-1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
-1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
-365.25 days: 1 unicycle
-2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
-10 cards: 1 decacards
-1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
-1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
-1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
-1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
-10 rations: 1 decoration
-100 rations: 1 C-ration
-2 monograms: 1 diagram
-8 nickels: 2 paradigms
-2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital:
1 I.V. League
Why is trick or treating better than sex?
10. People won’t think you’re kinky if you wear a batman costume.
9. The uglier you are, the easier it is to get something in the sack.
8. If you don’t like what you get, it’s okay to go next door.
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with
crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2
a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the
loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The
next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep
with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't
sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, my wife and the children picked me
up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, there
were hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers, also. As
I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi,
Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the
good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex
shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area
looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to
see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
A midget, a bodybuilder and a porn star walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, an election?"
<The above was funny back when Schwarzenegger, H. Ross Perot, and somebody I forget were running. >
The Smartest Dog in the world?
A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiousity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. The dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing.
However, none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could no longer hold his tongue, so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!"
The player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail."
A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels
by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky from the Journal of Irreproducible Results, Vol. 36, No. 1
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our Suggested list of required warnings appears below.
| Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity. |
| Warning: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them. |
| Caution: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight. |
| Handle with Extreme Care: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles per Hour. |
| Consumer Notice: Because of the 'Uncertainty Principle,' It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. |
| Advisory: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Known as 'Tunneling,' This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result. |
| Read This Before Opening Package: According to Certain Suggested Versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting This Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years. |
| This is a 100% Matter product: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result. |
| Public Notice as Required by Law: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe. |
| Note: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a 'Gluing' Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed. |
| Attention: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space. |
| New Grand Unified Theory Disclaimer: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are 'Rolled Up' into Such a Small 'Area' That They Cannot Be Detected. |
| Please Note: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State. |
| Component equivalency notice: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied. |
| Health Warning: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User. |
| Important Notice to Purchasers: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Reemerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot be Guaranteed. |
Back to main humour page.
"All things dull and ugly, all creatures short and squat;
All things rude and nasty, the Lord God made the lot.
Each little snake that poisons, each little wasp that stings
He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous, all evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous, the Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet, each beastly little squid.
Who made the spiky urchin? Who made the shark? He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous, all pox both great and small,
Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. Amen."
[Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life" movie]
That stupid liquor clerk won't sell me a bottle
of Scotch until I turn 21. Doesn't he read
the newspaper? I was tried as an adult!
(Brian Jones)
REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture ..
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.!
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple
nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in
England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while
sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and
a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is
it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce
and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth
beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend,
that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one
of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?!
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to
an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people
recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send
cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How
can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be
opposites,
while
quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot
as hell one day and cold as hell another? Have you noticed that
we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you
ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung
hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who
was combobulated,! gruntled, ruly or peccable?
And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who
WOULD hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique
lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which
an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people,
not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race
(which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the
stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out,
they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start
it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
****
JD
Visiting St Patrick's Cathedral on a tour of New York City,
my daughter and her children were awed by the sight.
The kids were especially curious about the votive candles,
so my daughter asked if they'd each like to light one.
She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of
petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them
that these are not like birthday candles.
"Do you have any questions?" she asked.
"No," said the 5-year-old, "but if there's a pony
outside, it's mine.
********
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect
just standing up really fast.
> A Hymn to Heteronyms
>
> Please go through the entrance of this little poem.
> I guarantee it will entrance you.
> The content will certainly make you content,
> And the knowledge gained sure will enhance you.
>
> A boy moped around when his parents refused
> For him a new moped to buy.
> The incense he burned did incense him to go
> On a tear with a tear in his eye.
>
> He ragged on his parents, felt they ran him ragged
> His just deserts they never gave.
> He imagined them out on some deserts so dry,
> Where for water they'd search and they'd rave.
>
> At present he just won't present or converse
> On the converse of each high-flown theory
> Of circles and axes in math class; he has
> Many axes to grind, isn't cheery.
>
> He tried to play baseball, but often skied out,
> So when the snows came, he just skied.
> But he then broke a leg putting on his ski boots,
> And his putting in golf was in need.
>
> He once held the lead in a cross country race
> Till his legs started feeling like lead.
> And when the pain peaked, he looked kind of peaked
> His liver felt liver, then dead.
>
> A number of times he felt number, all wound
> Up, like one with a wound, not a wand.
> His new TV console just couldn't console
> Or slough off a slough of despond.
>
> The rugged boy paced 'round his shaggy rugged room
> And he spent the whole evening till dawn
> Evening out the cross-winds of his hate.
> Now my anecdote winds on and on.
>
> He thought: "Does the prancing of so many does
> Explain why down dove the white dove,
> Or why pussy cat has a pussy old sore
> And bass sing in bass notes of their love
>
> Do they always sing, "Do re mi" and stare, agape
> At eros, agape, each minute?
> Their love's not minute; there's an overage of love.
> Even overage fish are quite in it.
>
> These bass fish have never been in short supply
> As they supply spawn without waiting.
> With their love fluids bubbling, abundant, secretive
> There's many a secretive mating.
>
> (From "Crazy English" by Richard Lederer)
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out
and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd
like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your
family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
... Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
Microsoft decided at a meeting that their best engineer should improve
his skills and discipline by going to the military for a while.
At the shooting range he got a little instruction, a rifle and some
bullts. He fired at the target until there where no more bullets. The
message from the other end at the target was that he didn't hit the
target at all.
The Microsoft engineer looked at the rifle and then at the target.
"Hmm..." he thought, I think that I can solve this problem very
quickly. He looked at the rifle again and then at the target. He aimed
with the loaded rifle into the ground in front of him and then fired a
shot. The result was a cloud of dust and a little hole in the ground.
"yep, it works!" he concluded.
The engineer yelled at the people at the target: "The rifle works fine
and the bullets seems to leave the rifle as they are suppose to so the
problem must be at your place.
Scavenger Hunt
---------------
A woman answered her front door and found two little boys
holding a list.
"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt,
and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone
and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging
hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF THREE WISE JEWISH WOMEN HAD
GONE TO BETHLEHEM INSTEAD OF THREE WISE MEN????
They would have asked directions.
Arrived on time.
Helped deliver the baby.
Hired someone to clean the stable.
Made a brisket.
And brought practical gifts.
And what would they have said to each other after they left?
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that shmatta?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Virgin? I knew her in school!"
"Can you believe they let all of those disgusting animals in there?"
"I heard that Joseph doesn't have a job."
"And that donkey they are riding has seen better days!"
"We'll just see how long it will take to get your brisket dish back."
I'm so unlucky that if I fell into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb.
If you ever remodeled a house----you recognize the truth in this one.
Within two weeks of moving into their new house, Roxanne and her husband
had been faced with additional expenses. There were various problems
that required calls to an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer and a
carpenter.
One afternoon Roxanne's husband returned early from work and seeing a
plumber's truck in the driveway, he pleaded, looking skyward,"Lord,
please let her be having an affair."
===========================
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then
sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on
his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said,
"Ummmmm, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It's very
common among losers."
A guy walks into a doctor's office. He has a sausage coming
out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon
coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what's
wrong with me?!?"
The doctor replies, ''You're not eating properly.'
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream soda
Ice cream soda who?
I scream soda people can hear me.
(Marsha Coleman)
Little known terrorist organizations:
7> Balsamic Jihad -- fundamentalist food critics
Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his own
thoughts.
Finally one said, "What do you think about all this devil business we
studied today?"
The other boy replied thoughtfully,
"Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just your Dad,
too."
******
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage
directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they
witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the
house.
"Would ya look at that Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace,
those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!"
They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work.
A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself
cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one
had spied him.
"Did ya see that Darby?" Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief.
"Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what
the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging
himself in sins of the flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!"
Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest,
lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching
and then quietly sneaking in the door.
"Oh no, Darby look!" Said Pat removing his cap. "One of the poor girls
musta died!!"
{This joke is useful to point out certain fallacious arguing styles.}
Lyrics
long-haired radical socialist Jew
© 1996 Hugh Blumenfeld/Hydrogen Jukebox Music
Well Jesus was a homeless lad
With an unwed mother and an absent dad
And I really don’t think he would have gotten that far
If Newt, Pat and Jesse had followed that star
Refrain: So let’s all sing out praises to
That long-haired radical socialist Jew
When Jesus taught the people he
Would never charge a tuition fee
He just took some fishes and some bread
And made up free school lunches instead
So let’s all sing out praises to....
He healed the blind and made them see
He brought the lame folks to their feet
Rich and poor, any time, anywhere
Just pioneering that free health care
So let’s all sing out praises to....
Jesus hung with a low-life crowd
But those working stiffs sure did him proud
Some were murderers, thieves and whores
But at least they didn’t do it as legislators
So let’s all sing out praises to....
(Modulate to A)
Jesus lived in troubled times
the religious right was on the rise
Oh what could have saved him from his terrible fate?
Separation of church and state.
So let’s all sing out praises to....
Sometimes I fall into deep despair
When I hear those hypocrites on the air
But every Sunday gives me hope
When pastor, deacon, priest, and pope
Are all singing out their praises to
Some long-haired radical socialist Jew.
They’re singing out their praises to..oooo..oooo..
Some long-haired radical socialist Jew.
On beheading drug dealers: “Morally, there’s no problem with that at all. I used to teach ethics – trust me.”
Drug Czar William Bennet
100 Years Ago...
The average life expectancy in the United States was forty-seven.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the United States had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three minute call from
Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was ten mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily
populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents,
California was only the twenty-first most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the U.S. was twenty-two cents an hour. The average
U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
[I don't know when this was published, but this stuff is no longer 100 years ago.]
> An old man was laying on his death bed.
> He had only hours to live when he suddenly
> smelled chocolate chip cookies.
>
> He loved chocolate chip cookies more than
> anything else in the world.
>
> With his last bit of energy, he pulled himself
> out of bed, across the floor, and to the stairs.
> Then down the stairs and into the kitchen.
>
> There his wife was baking chocolate chip cookies.
> As he reached for one, he got SMACKED across the
> back of his hand by the wooden spoon his wife was
> holding.
>
> "Leave them alone!" she said, "They're for the funeral!"
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant." Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"
If you've ever wondered what the complete list of things Bart Simpson writes during the opening credits of "The Simpsons," here it is: I will not carve gods. I will not spank others. I will not aim for the head. I will not barf unless I'm sick I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge. I will not conduct my own fire drills. Funny noises are not funny. I will not snap bras. I will not fake seizures. This punishment is not boring and pointless. My name is not Dr. Death. I will not defame New Orleans. I will not prescribe medication. I will not bury the new kid. I will not teach others to fly. I will not bring sheep to class. A burp is not an answer. Teacher is not a leper. Coffee is not for kids. I will not eat things for money. I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call. The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee. I will not call the principal "spud head". Goldfish don't bounce. Mud is not one of the 4 food groups. No one is interested in my underpants. I will not sell miracle cures. I will return the seeing-eye dog. I do not have diplomatic immunity. I will not charge admission to the bathroom. I will never win an emmy. The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy. All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy. I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause. I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers. My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man. I will not go near the kindergarten turtle. I am not deliciously saucy. Organ transplants are best left to professionals. The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan". I will not celebrate meaningless milestones. There are plenty of businesses like show business. Five days is not too long to wait for a gun. I will not waste chalk. I will not skateboard in the halls. I will not instigate revolution. I will not draw naked ladies in class. I did not see Elvis. I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes". Garlic gum is not funny. They are laughing at me, not with me. I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom. I will not encourage others to fly. I will not fake my way through life. Tar is not a plaything. I will not Xerox my butt. It's potato, not potatoe. I will not trade pants with others. I am not a 32 year old woman. I will not do that thing with my tongue. I will not drive the principal's car. I will not pledge allegiance to Bart. I will not sell school property. I will not burp in class. I will not cut corners. I will not get very far with this attitude. I will not belch the National Anthem. I will not sell land in Florida. I will not grease the monkey bars. I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment. I will not do anything bad ever again. I will not show off. I will not sleep through my education. I am not a dentist. Spitwads are not free speech. Nobody likes sunburn slappers. High explosives and school don't mix. I will not bribe Principal Skinner. I will not squeak chalk. I will finish what I sta "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender. Underwear should be worn on the inside. The Christmas Pageant does not stink. I will not torment the emotionally frail.
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -Dan Quayle
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.