The morality of searching for your birth parents

[Rhea]

https://www.facebook.com/randy.schlingmann/posts/10157320314650769

I saw this post about a young woman posting her picture with a sign about which town she was left in a hospital and a birth date. And I can’t help but think about the birth mother, who gave her to adoption for whatever reason. What reason? A rape? Incest? An abusive boyfriend? It being a 10th child that she couldn’t afford to keep? An unintended pregnancy that would have interrupted her future?

Now this young person’s face is on the inernet all over the hometown of the birth mother, possibly looking like her, possibly like the father.

And no idea whether this forced reveal will cause pain or horror.

When I see these things, I don’t feel like it is moral to publicly announce one’s search. And even private searches seem so fraught.

 

[AirPoh]

https://www.facebook.com/randy.schlingmann/posts/10157320314650769

I saw this post about a young woman posting her picture with a sign about which town she was left in a hospital and a birth date. And I can’t help but think about the birth mother, who gave her to adoption for whatever reason. What reason? A rape? Incest? An abusive boyfriend? It being a 10th child that she couldn’t afford to keep? An unintended pregnancy that would have interrupted her future?

Now this young person’s face is on the inernet all over the hometown of the birth mother, possibly looking like her, possibly like the father.

And no idea whether this forced reveal will cause pain or horror.

When I see these things, I don’t feel like it is moral to publicly announce one’s search. And even private searches seem so fraught.

If it was an abandonment, I see no problem with it. If birth mom went through proper channels, and said no to being contacted, that's a different question.

 

[untermensche]

Is there any real moral issue here?

A grown person is curious about their parents and family.

Finding out can be a good or bad experience.

This is an issue of wisdom not morality.

Is it wise to seek knowledge that may hurt you as opposed to living without knowing?

 

[James Brown]

Learning your birth parents' medical history can be a life-or-death decision.

Learning your birth parents' identities is a different matter, or course.

 

[PyramidHead]

https://www.facebook.com/randy.schlingmann/posts/10157320314650769

I saw this post about a young woman posting her picture with a sign about which town she was left in a hospital and a birth date. And I can’t help but think about the birth mother, who gave her to adoption for whatever reason. What reason? A rape? Incest? An abusive boyfriend? It being a 10th child that she couldn’t afford to keep? An unintended pregnancy that would have interrupted her future?

Now this young person’s face is on the inernet all over the hometown of the birth mother, possibly looking like her, possibly like the father.

And no idea whether this forced reveal will cause pain or horror.

When I see these things, I don’t feel like it is moral to publicly announce one’s search. And even private searches seem so fraught.

If it was an abandonment, I see no problem with it. If birth mom went through proper channels, and said no to being contacted, that's a different question.

Is it really moral to bring someone into existence and then declare yourself free from all responsibility toward that person? Are there any proper channels that could resolve the ethical problem of imposing the inevitable struggles of life on someone and asking someone else to foot the bill on your behalf? I realize in many cases that may be the best outcome for the child, but it still occurs within the larger context of an act of violence and disrespect toward her. You would basically be saying, under even the most charitable circumstances: "I was unable to prevent you from being born, and now that you're born, I'm unable to support you, but if I place you in state custody until somebody volunteers to take care of you, I deserve to be left alone by you forever." Not only are all the usual sufferings of life the responsibility of the parents, but the additional pain caused by the residual social stigma of being adopted is also traceable to the parents, even if adoption was the least bad option at the time. This is not to say that they should be punished and humiliated of course, but I dispute the argument that they are entitled to invisibility.

 

[Loren Pechtel]

It should only be permitted through a registry, contact information is provided if both sides want to find the other. Doing it publicly could cause problems for a woman who gave up a baby secretly.

 

[George S]

My newly found granddaughter was searching for her mother's father and found me on 23andMe. I have moved to be near them, 2 grandkids 25 and 22, and great-grandkids 1 and 3. They have allowed me to be a small part of their life; Johnny and Aubrey will always know me.
My daughter's mother did not inform me of the birth and gave her up for adoption at 3 months. She had said she was pregnant when she left me . . . and said she would "take care of it."

 

[Rhea]

Is it really moral to bring someone into existence and then declare yourself free from all responsibility toward that person? Are there any proper channels that could resolve the ethical problem of imposing the inevitable struggles of life on someone and asking someone else to foot the bill on your behalf? I realize in many cases that may be the best outcome for the child, but it still occurs within the larger context of an act of violence and disrespect toward her. You would basically be saying, under even the most charitable circumstances: "I was unable to prevent you from being born, and now that you're born, I'm unable to support you, but if I place you in state custody until somebody volunteers to take care of you, I deserve to be left alone by you forever." Not only are all the usual sufferings of life the responsibility of the parents, but the additional pain caused by the residual social stigma of being adopted is also traceable to the parents, even if adoption was the least bad option at the time. This is not to say that they should be punished and humiliated of course, but I dispute the argument that they are entitled to invisibility.

So, abortions then?


As I outlined in the OP, in the case of rape? You gift that someone with life and that’s not enough?

I’m surprised by those who say birth = forced parenthood.
For those who care about abortions, this will increase them.

 

[Rhea]

My newly found granddaughter was searching for her mother's father and found me on 23andMe. I have moved to be near them, 2 grandkids 25 and 22, and great-grandkids 1 and 3. They have allowed me to be a small part of their life; Johnny and Aubrey will always know me.
My daughter's mother did not inform me of the birth and gave her up for adoption at 3 months. She had said she was pregnant when she left me . . . and said she would "take care of it."

And if you had been a rapist? Would the woman who was raped be glad to have you at the dinner table, do you think?

 

[George S]

My newly found granddaughter was searching for her mother's father and found me on 23andMe. I have moved to be near them, 2 grandkids 25 and 22, and great-grandkids 1 and 3. They have allowed me to be a small part of their life; Johnny and Aubrey will always know me.
My daughter's mother did not inform me of the birth and gave her up for adoption at 3 months. She had said she was pregnant when she left me . . . and said she would "take care of it."

And if you had been a rapist? Would the woman who was raped be glad to have you at the dinner table, do you think?

Strange you should ask. Y'see good old Beth made up a story about having been raped. As it happened we lived together and I'd taken her home to meet the folks. I think she made up the story to justify her pregnancy to her family. My daughter did manage to find Beth and was told that story, too. She couldn't even tell the truth to her birth-daughter. She said she was raped by a boy named George from California at his fraternity's party. My birth-daughter never did believe the story she was told. She is very good at detecting lies. Nevertheless our meeting was held on neutral ground and she had her son with her and I had my sister. It was my sister who verified that there was no way she could have forgotten my last name. And noted that I never joined a fraternity. I had lived in California for 3 years in grade school, the rest in Wisconsin.

 

[Harry Bosch]

https://www.facebook.com/randy.schlingmann/posts/10157320314650769

I saw this post about a young woman posting her picture with a sign about which town she was left in a hospital and a birth date. And I can’t help but think about the birth mother, who gave her to adoption for whatever reason. What reason? A rape? Incest? An abusive boyfriend? It being a 10th child that she couldn’t afford to keep? An unintended pregnancy that would have interrupted her future?

Now this young person’s face is on the inernet all over the hometown of the birth mother, possibly looking like her, possibly like the father.

And no idea whether this forced reveal will cause pain or horror.

When I see these things, I don’t feel like it is moral to publicly announce one’s search. And even private searches seem so fraught.

This is a tough issue. I have an amazing daughter. She is greatly loved by her family and her friends. She has tons of friends. I think that she'd say that she has a great life: full of adventure and fun. She's very happy and hardly ever is sad or emotional (even as a teenager). One day we were going through baby pictures of myself. I told her look how ugly a baby I was! Then my daughter got upset, and said that at least my birth parents didn't abandon you underneath a tree and give you up.

I'm very active in the adoption world. We have lots of friends with adopted kids. We get them together, go to camps, and etc. I can tell you that as these kids age, being abandoned at a young age is a very traumatic event that stays with a kid for their whole life. Even in happy families. So, I completely understand kids seeking answers.

Having said that, if birth parents were exposed against their will, fewer would be willing to adopt.

 

[Rhea]

My newly found granddaughter was searching for her mother's father and found me on 23andMe. I have moved to be near them, 2 grandkids 25 and 22, and great-grandkids 1 and 3. They have allowed me to be a small part of their life; Johnny and Aubrey will always know me.
My daughter's mother did not inform me of the birth and gave her up for adoption at 3 months. She had said she was pregnant when she left me . . . and said she would "take care of it."

And if you had been a rapist? Would the woman who was raped be glad to have you at the dinner table, do you think?

Strange you should ask. Y'see good old Beth made up a story about having been raped. As it happened we lived together and I'd taken her home to meet the folks. I think she made up the story to justify her pregnancy to her family. My daughter did manage to find Beth and was told that story, too. She couldn't even tell the truth to her birth-daughter. She said she was raped by a boy named George from California at his fraternity's party. My birth-daughter never did believe the story she was told. She is very good at detecting lies. Nevertheless our meeting was held on neutral ground and she had her son with her and I had my sister. It was my sister who verified that there was no way she could have forgotten my last name. And noted that I never joined a fraternity. I had lived in California for 3 years in grade school, the rest in Wisconsin.

I get that, I remember your story. But yours is not the only type of reunion.

My question was about the mother who gave the child to adoption for a better life. A mother whose memory of the conception and birth is trauma and pain. For whatever reason. And that the pain is not one that goes away because time has passed.

That is what I wondered about when I saw that young woman's picture on facebook. I imagined a mother that was not storybook. And that the reason she gave that child to a better life was because she offered that alternative instead of abortion.


What I'm hearing is, "if you have trauma in your pregnancy, or would have trauma from raising a child, you should abort instead of giving to adoption, because needing to cut ties after adoption is not a right that you have."

 

[George S]

The reason she gave for giving up our daughter for adoption was that she would always remind her of me. Perhaps she had a better life with her adoptive father. Can't know for sure but her adoptive father was very good to her and her children; her adoptive mother not so much.

 

[Rhea]

The reason she gave for giving up our daughter for adoption was that she would always remind her of me. Perhaps she had a better life with her adoptive father. Can't know for sure but her adoptive father was very good to her and her children; her adoptive mother not so much.

And again, my question to you is what you think about women who had severe trauma like a rape and decide to complete the pregnancy and give the child a chance through adoption. Always at risk for re-living this? Or should they get abortions instead, as the only way to actually remove themselves from the return of the trauma?

I guess I should assume, since I’ve asked 3 times now and you’ve declined to address the question, that you feel yes, women should always be forced to be parents, you cannot terminate your parental responsibility ever; the child owns you - if you choose to complete a pregnancy.

 

[Harry Bosch]

The reason she gave for giving up our daughter for adoption was that she would always remind her of me. Perhaps she had a better life with her adoptive father. Can't know for sure but her adoptive father was very good to her and her children; her adoptive mother not so much.

And again, my question to you is what you think about women who had severe trauma like a rape and decide to complete the pregnancy and give the child a chance through adoption. Always at risk for re-living this? Or should they get abortions instead, as the only way to actually remove themselves from the return of the trauma?

I guess I should assume, since I’ve asked 3 times now and you’ve declined to address the question, that you feel yes, women should always be forced to be parents, you cannot terminate your parental responsibility ever; the child owns you - if you choose to complete a pregnancy.

I agree with you, women should not be forced to be parents. They should be able to remain anonymous if they so desire.

 

[Lion IRC]

Gee.
First World Problems much?
Such a simple existential question.
So much 'trauma' for selfish parents in hiding from their own children.

 

[Rhea]

Gee.
First World Problems much?
Such a simple existential question.
So much 'trauma' for selfish parents in hiding from their own children.

That is a remarkably unfeeling response to a scenario of a person traumatized by rape, then doubly traumatized by pregnancy from it. You even used the mockingquotes to laugh at her pain.

Yes, she may indeed want to hide from the child of her rapist.
Although, that is certainly NOT just a first world problem...

 

[Harry Bosch]

Gee.
First World Problems much?
Such a simple existential question.
So much 'trauma' for selfish parents in hiding from their own children.

View attachment 19347

Very insensitive post. I'm very involved in the adoption community, and adopted kids do not feel this way. A women in distress giving her child up for adoption is incredibly not selfish. Very easy for some to judge I guess.

 

[Lion IRC]

Insensitive would be telling your own "unwanted" child to eff off because you never want to see them again.

 

[untermensche]

If your child will suffer things like hunger and isolation and the dangers of poverty with you is it immoral to give the child a better life?