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Things that make you laugh...

Trausti

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DwUapuUUwAAGwWx.jpg

DwUar4qUUAAIa4g.jpg

DwUas59VsAAFIdN.jpg
 

Keith&Co.

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Posting here because we don't have an 'I'm gonna burn in hell' thread.

Picked up a few things at the supermarket. Put a divider down and the woman behind me put her order on the belt.
Seven bags of coffee grounds and a cucumber.
I coukd not stop myself from comment. 'Binge watching Twilight tonight?'
The woman, about 70, just stared at me...

The clerk asked for my buyer membership card, but i don't have one. She nodded and went to ring me up.

Coffee&Cuke snapped, "Well, talk him into getting one!"
And as the clerk dutifully began telling me ALL the benefits of have my every purchase tracked, and how easy it eas to get, i thought to myself, 'bitch, what did i ever do to you?' And then remembered. 'Oh. Yeah.'
 

Keith&Co.

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The thread about useless jobs in business reminded me, a coworker's daughter who got a job at a company that doesn't have an HR department.

What they have is this desk with all the relevant HR books, and if you have an HR issue, you go look it up.
So several people here are wondering if our HR department is all that necessary.

I have to wonder, if my coworker wanted to file a complaint about me, would I have to write myself up, or would they be the one chewing me out? Because then it would be hard to pretend to any level of anonymity.

"Keith, someone didn't appreciate your behavior in the mandatory training last week."

"Janet, I wasn't replying to what you said, I was talking to Josh about something completely different!"

"SOMEONE thought the comment was remarkably well-timed for a... coincidence."

"That's kinda the definition OF coincidence, Janet. If it wasn't well-timed, it would be a non-event."

"Well, SOMEONE was reminded of a previous incident in your file."

"You mean the last time you made me come sit at The Desk with you, Janet?"

"STOP SAYING MY NAME, this is AN ANONYMOUS PROCESS!"





....So maybe Marsha's job isn't all that useless...
 

Keith&Co.

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My department had a party last night.

Dinner, door prizes, Karaoke.

Many people suggested that i sing something.

Keith does not sing. Keith had a traumatic school year after his voice broke during glee club auditions. No singing. Not even lullabies to our children.

So i said no. Everyone said no at least once. But everyone else's 'no' is more of a 'you will have to talk me into it.'

My 'no' is different. It comes closer to denying admittance to the Balrog. The Karaoke organizer grabbed my arm, saw my face, flinched two feet back. "I thought you were going to CUT me!" she cried.
"Of course not," i assured her. "You let go."
 

Keith&Co.

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Bought my wife an F bomb a while back.
A plush grey bomb, looks like something out of Dr Strangelove, with a big F on the side. She has it on her desk in case her students drive her to dropping the F bomb.

Another teacher was organizing a discussion group, needed something to use as a Talking Stick. Only the one holding the stick can talk.

Mrs. &co tossed her the F bomb. Went right over her head.

HALF the students got the joke. Came into her class after, saying, "Man, Miss Smith had us flipping the f-bomb all OVER the room for, like an hour."
Other student, "What are you talking about, everyone was calm and respectful. I didn't hear one swear word the whole time. I was quite relieved."

Wife had to break it to her gently. "Yes, Janelle, i heard that you dropped the F bomb."

"No, never! I didn't even swear when Wayne tossed me the rocket and i dropped it!"
"That was no rocket, dear...."
 

Angry Floof

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OMG, some people talking about L. Ron Hubbard trying to be reincarnated but keeps getting aborted over and over...

Not that abortion is funny. Nor is it at all funny that cult members in the Sea Org are forced to get abortions if a pregnancy stands in the way of cult profits.

What's funny is that L. Ron had an obsession with abortion that is clear in Dianetics and other writings. It seems he thought that everyone's mother tried to abort them at some point and most of us are just failed abortion attempts.

So given all that, thinking of that fucking demented bastard trying to reincarnate and getting aborted over and over is pretty damn funny.
 

George S

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"You don't get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion." Response [by L. Ron] to a question from the audience during a meeting of the Eastern Science Fiction Association on (7 November 1948), as quoted in a 1994 affidavit by Sam Moskowitz.
 

Keith&Co.

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I arrive at the drug store at1840 hours. Straight to a clerk.

"Quick, where do you keep the laxatives?"
She led me off, looking over her shoulder. I realized she was watching me walk.
She asked, "How bad is it?"

'Oh, it's not for me. I am informed," a finger count of one, "it is painful," two, "it is not very damned funny," three, "my next pun will be my last."
She laughed, pointed to the shelf, then asked, "Pun?"

"Not gonna repeat them. She... will know."

Seriously, i think i could cheat on her more easily than get away with a constpation joke right... oop. She's calling gotta go
 

Keith&Co.

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The stuff worked by bedtime.

She came out of the bathroom, pointing over her shoulder. "That student i gave detention for saying i was full of shit? I may owe him an apology."
 

thebeave

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Ordered a fancy screwdriver on Amazon a couple of days ago, and it arrived this afternoon. So, I notice the bubble envelope seems a bit big for just a screwdriver, and when I open it up, sure enough there is (in addition to my screwdriver) a 24 pack of Trojan "Nirvana" condoms. Dafuq? Double checked my order, and nope, I didn't accidentally order condoms. Without making this too much of a sad story, let's just say there is no immediate need for me to have a 24 pack of condoms at the bedside. So, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with them...make balloon animals? Protective coverings for my cucumbers and bananas?

Looks like they cost $14.95. For that money, I wish they would have sent me some reading glasses or bunion pads or something I can use. God I feel old. :(
 

Angry Floof

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Ordered a fancy screwdriver on Amazon a couple of days ago, and it arrived this afternoon. So, I notice the bubble envelope seems a bit big for just a screwdriver, and when I open it up, sure enough there is (in addition to my screwdriver) a 24 pack of Trojan "Nirvana" condoms. Dafuq? Double checked my order, and nope, I didn't accidentally order condoms. Without making this too much of a sad story, let's just say there is no immediate need for me to have a 24 pack of condoms at the bedside. So, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with them...make balloon animals? Protective coverings for my cucumbers and bananas?

Looks like they cost $14.95. For that money, I wish they would have sent me some reading glasses or bunion pads or something I can use. God I feel old. :(

Fun idea. Take them to the next family gathering. Blow one up like a balloon and shoot it out into the crowd like a beach ball at a concert.
 

Keith&Co.

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Looks like they cost $14.95. For that money, I wish they would have sent me some reading glasses or bunion pads or something I can use.

Fun idea. Take them to the next family gathering. Blow one up like a balloon and shoot it out into the crowd like a beach ball at a concert.

Hmmm. Fun.

My first thought was to get a box of Chick tracts, and a jar of mayonnaise. Unroll them, add a dollop, and leave 'soiled' condoms between the pages of littering missionary volleys.
 

Keith&Co.

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So, I found some lollipops shaped like dinosaurs.
I found a Halloween basket shaped like a dinosaur.
I rode around the cubicles on my dinosaur, distributing dinolollis from my dinobasket and all people ask is:
"Is this some sort of holiday I don't know about?"

Um, yeah. It's Wednesday.
rough rider.jpg
 

ronburgundy

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"I only date anti-vaxx women, because then I'll only need to pay 5 years of child support instead of 18."

Comment seen on Twitter.
 

ZiprHead

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So, I found some lollipops shaped like dinosaurs.
I found a Halloween basket shaped like a dinosaur.
I rode around the cubicles on my dinosaur, distributing dinolollis from my dinobasket and all people ask is:
"Is this some sort of holiday I don't know about?"

Um, yeah. It's Wednesday.
View attachment 19936

Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike! What daaay iiis it?
 

paladin.oa

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So, I found some lollipops shaped like dinosaurs.
I found a Halloween basket shaped like a dinosaur.
I rode around the cubicles on my dinosaur, distributing dinolollis from my dinobasket and all people ask is:
"Is this some sort of holiday I don't know about?"

Um, yeah. It's Wednesday.
View attachment 19936

Oh my god! You are my hero! (Really loves dinosaurs and the T-Rex in particular)

Now gimme a lollipop!
 

Keith&Co.

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Saw a guy in the parking lot this afternoon. Figured he must love winter because he was moon walking.
Turns out it wasn't voluntary. He's a new hire. Been in Massachusetts about a week, tranferring from Florida. First time on ice...

As i drew near, i heard him screaming out the temperature in Orlando, in Puerto Rico, in god damned any place humans live....
 

Keith&Co.

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Came home and found a new dishwasher in the kitchen.
I didn't order a dishwasher...

Turns out, someone at 133 My Street bought a dishwasher. The service guy somehow installed it at my house, 93 My Street.

Didn't really need a new one, the boss said he'd make me a hell of a deal, no charge for installation, if i bought the new machine, so he wouldn3have to come rip it out again.
Okay by me.
He thanked me for my patience and understanding. But all i can think of is that someone spent the afternoon at 133 and still hasn't gotten their dishwasher. They're gonna rip someone's teeth out....
 

bilby

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Came home and found a new dishwasher in the kitchen.
I didn't order a dishwasher...

Turns out, someone at 133 My Street bought a dishwasher. The service guy somehow installed it at my house, 93 My Street.

Didn't really need a new one, the boss said he'd make me a hell of a deal, no charge for installation, if i bought the new machine, so he wouldn3have to come rip it out again.
Okay by me.
He thanked me for my patience and understanding. But all i can think of is that someone spent the afternoon at 133 and still hasn't gotten their dishwasher. They're gonna rip someone's teeth out....

Nah, it's a sales technique. You reckon you got a great deal, but I bet it was more than cost. The guy at 133 got a dishwasher he didn't order too - and they told him it was supposed to go to number 93...
 

Keith&Co.

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Nah, it's a sales technique. You reckon you got a great deal, but I bet it was more than cost. The guy at 133 got a dishwasher he didn't order too - and they told him it was supposed to go to number 93...
Need more salesmen like this, then.
Home Depot says this model is $799.99. I paid $350.00. No installation fee. If he's making any profit on this, he's welcome to it.
 

bilby

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Nah, it's a sales technique. You reckon you got a great deal, but I bet it was more than cost. The guy at 133 got a dishwasher he didn't order too - and they told him it was supposed to go to number 93...
Need more salesmen like this, then.
Home Depot says this model is $799.99. I paid $350.00. No installation fee. If he's making any profit on this, he's welcome to it.

Made in china for $50 ;)
 

Keith&Co.

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Nah, it's a sales technique. You reckon you got a great deal, but I bet it was more than cost. The guy at 133 got a dishwasher he didn't order too - and they told him it was supposed to go to number 93...
Need more salesmen like this, then.
Home Depot says this model is $799.99. I paid $350.00. No installation fee. If he's making any profit on this, he's welcome to it.

Made in china for $50 ;)
Yeah, but _I_ can't get it from China for $50...
 

thebeave

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Came home and found a new dishwasher in the kitchen.
I didn't order a dishwasher...

Turns out, someone at 133 My Street bought a dishwasher. The service guy somehow installed it at my house, 93 My Street.

Didn't really need a new one, the boss said he'd make me a hell of a deal, no charge for installation, if i bought the new machine, so he wouldn3have to come rip it out again.
Okay by me.
He thanked me for my patience and understanding. But all i can think of is that someone spent the afternoon at 133 and still hasn't gotten their dishwasher. They're gonna rip someone's teeth out....

I think the most disturbing part of this story is how some rando appliance installer got into your (supposedly) locked house. Or if someone was home, how/why they let this guy in to replace something that didn't need replacing. That would bug the hell out of me. How do you know he didn't go rooting around in your kinky underwear drawer?
 

Keith&Co.

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I think the most disturbing part of this story is how some rando appliance installer got into your (supposedly) locked house. Or if someone was home, how/why they let this guy in to replace something that didn't need replacing. That would bug the hell out of me. How do you know he didn't go rooting around in your kinky underwear drawer?
Because

MY

Kinky boot drawer has barbed wire...

Also, my son was home, just figured 'asshole parents never tell me nuthin' about what's goin' on in this house, just assumed I'd be here when they scheduled this, don't know what was wrong with the last one...'
 

Keith&Co.

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We used to put PreFaulted Modules in the training fire control system to induce faults. Something with a strategically placed open or ground that would cause the system to break in predictable ways. Then we'd use that failure to teach the students how to troubleshoot faults. Eventually, they'd isolate the faulted module and replace it.

We've since gone mostly to electronic faults. The system programming is changed to produce the proper indications for improper operation. We don't have to troubleshoot all the way to the module, as long as they show they have the idea, they understand the procedure. We can just turn it off.

Well, we still have those PreFaulted Modules. A couple, here and there. Found a way to use them during a seminar, to induce an actual ground so that when we hook up the multimeter, we see the actual indications of a ground (with the software faults, the instructor has to pretend. "Okay, yes, you see isolation here, but let's you saw only 30K ohms of resistance between these two points....").

So, I wrote up the report about the trip, submitted it, and am getting yelled at. Where I said we inserted a PFM to create a fault, the department head is angry that after all the money and time spent on perfecting the documentation, I suggest that troubleshooting is Pure Fucking Magic.
 

Keith&Co.

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Was just reminded, my oldedt son's first word was 'Dada.' 'Mama' was his second. Kinda bothered his mom.

But her mood improved when we later realized 'mama' was his word for 'parent.'

He used 'dada' for anyone who fed him...
 

Keith&Co.

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Coworker forgot his wallet when he drove the kids to school. Realized it when he went to give them lunch money. Went home.
Forgot his badge when he drove to work. Realized it when he went to go through the security gate. Went home.
His phone vibrated, so he checked his watch that displays incoming texts. He forgot his watch. He's NOT going home for it.

Incautiously complained to the rest of us, "I forgot my watch. Now when I get a text, I have to check my phone like a goddamned savage."

So now, everyone's sending him texts, We see him check his wrist, swear at the reflex, check his phone: "Sorry to hear about your watch." More swearing... Most fun we've had all day.
 

Keith&Co.

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Mine is an engineering-based company, and we're celebrating Engineer Week coming up.

They just sent out an email asking for volunteers to coordinate two events. To improve participation they added that "Food will be available at both events!"

One is trivia night. One is the annual employee breakfast.

I wonder, sometimes, about a company that does things like, feels a need to point out that food will be available at breakfast...
 

Old Woman in Purple

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Well, there's a reason the stereotype says that engineering types are good at math & sciency stuff, but suck at 'soft' stuff like English.... :p

A Humanities major would probably have found a better way to phrase it.
 

Keith&Co.

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Evidently, I'm famous...

Three of my supervisors are participating in a proposal effort. The company is compiling data in order to make a competitive bid on some project, they're there to talk about training for the effort.
One of the leaders there asked one of the people in our Leadership Mentoring program how he likes GD. He started talking about a guy in a dinosaur suit handing out lollipops. Quite excited about it, apparently.
Leader: Dino... Like, a dinosaur t-shirt?
Mented: No, a t-rex costume. It was great. He didn't ask if I worked in that unit or anything, just gave me a lollipop.
Leader: A dinosaur costume? Was it in the parking lot?
Mented: No, it was in Documentation.
My supervisor: I know that guy.
Leader turned to her: Who the hell wore a dinosaur suit HERE?
Super: It was Keith-"
Leader: Oh. Him. (laughs) So, anyway, have you been in a lab, yet?
 

Keith&Co.

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Someone said the Proposal effort is a 'shenanigans free zone.'

I am apparently the only person in our office who heard that and did NOT think: That means shenanigans are prohibited up there.'

I took it as a complaint that the area was shenanigan-deficient. Something that needed correcting. So I gave a participant a bucket of plastic dinosaurs. "Spread 'em around, have fun," I told him.

They did not have fun. They've apparently spent the better part of two hours arguing whether the archaeopteryx figure is, or is not, a dinosaur. And they're trying to determine whose goddamned idea the dinosaur toys were.

I may not get the bucket back.
 

Keith&Co.

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Well, there's a reason the stereotype says that engineering types are good at math & sciency stuff, but suck at 'soft' stuff like English.... :p

A Humanities major would probably have found a better way to phrase it.
Yeah, one of my supervisors once referred to a suggestion as 'guilding the lily.'
I pointed out that flowers do not typically organize into protective networks.
He reissued the comment, saying it was 'gelding the lily.'

There's a reason engineers aren't allowed to interface with the customers...
 

Keith&Co.

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Manager of our sister unit was dreading a particular meeting today.
We asked if there was any way he could get out of it, if it was going to be such an ordeal.

"No, I have to go. My coworkers are going and they might try to contribute."
 

paladin.oa

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Manager of our sister unit was dreading a particular meeting today.
We asked if there was any way he could get out of it, if it was going to be such an ordeal.

"No, I have to go. My coworkers are going and they might try to contribute."

This a case of "it's so sad it's funny"?
 

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https://worldnewsdailyreport.com/woman-arrested-for-training-squirrels-to-attack-her-ex-boyfriend/

First, I have no idea if this source is credible, so take this with a grain of salt. If this is true, then I am a bad person for laughing at this. I mean the man lost two fingers and a testicle. Still, I couldn't help but think "It's the real life version of Squirrel Girl! Now I know the real reason all those supervillains are terrified of her!"

54b82135585b6-1.jpg

It is not... think of the Onion, but in clickbait format.
 

Gun Nut

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I used to have one of those answering machines.. before the days of voicemail being standard, these machines would answer your land line and play an outgoing message from a tape... then record the message on another tape for you listen to later. (Tapes were analog storage media.. like when people used to store their media instead of just steaming it.. they would actually buy and keep it.. on tapes... like savages.
Anyway, I had accidentally called a wrong number.. cause you had to dial an actual number.. not like just saying "call mom" or whatever... you needed to memorize the whole thing and dial it... oh, phones had dials on them.. dialing a number meant actually turning a wheel to the number you wanted... 7 times.
Shit, this story is getting long... I know what they mean when they say its impossible to talk to your kids... anyway...
So.. back in the day, when you called a wrong number (there were phone numbers back then that no one had... like unusued numbers), a recording would play stating the error, sometimes saying (boo-boo-beep) "The number you have reached, 800-555-2-Thousand, has been changed. The new number is 800-555-3001"... or whatever. Oh ya.. people changed phone numbers every time they moved back then... so changing phone numbers happened all the time.
The recording gave me an idea. I used a tape recorder (see above) to record the messages I get when randomly calling phone numbers (if it rang instead of erroring, I just hung up). I recorded dozens of those "Boo-Boo-Beep" messages. I then edited them together and recorded it as my outgoing message on my answering machine tape. It went like this:

(Boo-Boo-Beep) "The number you have dialed, [my phone number] has been changed. The new number is 303-555-1612,586,382,999...99. 853,666....hundred".

It was about 5 days before my father got me at home and told me, "son, somethings terribly wrong with your phone".
 

Gun Nut

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but has to be patient when he starts acting like a toddler from time to time.
Sounds like me and my .... Holy crap! I have Alzheimer's!

I just read about a new alzheimer's vaccine that has shown some great promise in mice. I hope for my wife's best friend's sake it works out. She's already lost one brother to the affliction, another is in care for it, and she's scared to death of getting it.

Wow, that is so cool that your wife's best friend is a mouse. I bet she knows where all the best cheese is.
 

Elixir

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I used to have one of those answering machines.. before the days of voicemail being standard, these machines would answer your land line and play an outgoing message from a tape... then record the message on another tape for you listen to later. (Tapes were analog storage media.. like when people used to store their media instead of just steaming it.. they would actually buy and keep it.. on tapes... like savages.
Anyway, I had accidentally called a wrong number.. cause you had to dial an actual number.. not like just saying "call mom" or whatever... you needed to memorize the whole thing and dial it... oh, phones had dials on them.. dialing a number meant actually turning a wheel to the number you wanted... 7 times.
Shit, this story is getting long... I know what they mean when they say its impossible to talk to your kids... anyway...
So.. back in the day, when you called a wrong number (there were phone numbers back then that no one had... like unusued numbers), a recording would play stating the error, sometimes saying (boo-boo-beep) "The number you have reached, 800-555-2-Thousand, has been changed. The new number is 800-555-3001"... or whatever. Oh ya.. people changed phone numbers every time they moved back then... so changing phone numbers happened all the time.
The recording gave me an idea. I used a tape recorder (see above) to record the messages I get when randomly calling phone numbers (if it rang instead of erroring, I just hung up). I recorded dozens of those "Boo-Boo-Beep" messages. I then edited them together and recorded it as my outgoing message on my answering machine tape. It went like this:

(Boo-Boo-Beep) "The number you have dialed, [my phone number] has been changed. The new number is 303-555-1612,586,382,999...99. 853,666....hundred".

It was about 5 days before my father got me at home and told me, "son, somethings terribly wrong with your phone".

A friend had one of those old answering machines that had a remote that made an audible modulated noise for retrieving messages remotely. I was able to get his messages by remembering and reproducing the noise... hi tech for the day!
 

Loren Pechtel

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Night hike, we are heading out. There's a woman in the group wearing some sort of dark leggings, a white garment that was probably a long t-shirt and then a dark jacket over it. The result (I'm sure unintentional) was her ass was white, everything else was dark. The experienced people all have headband lights (although you see the occasional one that's part owl and doesn't always use their light), they're always pointed down and ahead. The center point of the light the guy behind was wearing fell on her ass--the whole thing looked like someone was spotlighting her ass.

(Yes, I live in the desert. The trail in question is almost devoid of cactus and has none of the really nasty varieties, nor is there any spot along there where blundering off the trail would be serious.)
 

Keith&Co.

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So, I found some lollipops shaped like dinosaurs.
I found a Halloween basket shaped like a dinosaur.
I rode around the cubicles on my dinosaur, distributing dinolollis from my dinobasket and all people ask is:
"Is this some sort of holiday I don't know about?"

Um, yeah. It's Wednesday.
View attachment 19936
Tomorrow is National Oreo Cookie Day.
I have two cases of 4-packs of Oreo Cookies.

THIS time, if they ask 'is it a holiday?' I can rattle off Oreo Statistics.
"Back when Nabiso was the National Biscuit Company...."
 

Keith&Co.

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18 nearly identical conversations today:


“Happy National Oreo Cookie Day!”
“Is that really a thing?”
“Invented in 1912, by the National Biscuit Company…”

Then it varies. Some reply with 'Yeah, yeah, okay!'
Some tell me to shut up.
One sat still and waited to see just how much I had prepared.

-----
My wife took a case of cookies to school. Reports that two people's response was “Is that really a thing?”

She did not have a spiel prepared, just the URL for the 'National Day' site.
 
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