Things that make you laugh...

[Elixir]

 

[Keith&Co.]

Our teachers are sitting through their annual training right now. All in the lunch room, split into the four corners, covering sexual harassment, mandatory reporting, school policy on masks, bare midriffs, tardiness, pronouns, caps and hoodies, allergens, and whatever else they've decided needs to be presented to the teaching staff to legally cover the school board.
My wife doesn't attend any more but she spoke to a former colleague and she's having flashbacks.

Which gives ME flashbacks. Before we went down to the boat every patrol, the Navy had us spend a day in an auditorium getting all the annual training requirements out of the way. Sexual harassment, equal opportunity, security, computer security, authorized use, hygiene, foreign port hygiene (Condoms!) and whatever else was required to CYA for the command.

… and just when it looked like we were done for the day, the Chief of the Whole Boat produced the Watch Quarter and Station Bill and told us who would be topside on the maneuvering watch... Who get to stay late, and watch this FASCINATING movie on the dangers of line handling.

Good Christ, can't i test out? I mean, i was phone-talker topside so many times i have that 1973 film MEMORIZED. I can sing along with the brief, i can tell you which line parts and i have named the mannequin that gets cut in half by the parting line (Seaman Joe Bagodonuts…. Not terribly original, but then, neither was the safety film).

 

[Keith&Co.]

I dreamed I was at work. Working on the next lesson in our efforts to train up submarine Missile Technicians. I became convinced that i had developed the perfect Terminal Learning Objective for the Administration of Work Center Logkeeping Records lesson. To wit:

Hickory Dickory Dockage,
The logs are full of knowledge.

This long weekend may not belong enough...

 

[Keith&Co.]

Bad day for remote workers at my company.
As they signed on to the morning meeting, they were reporting that it took between 20 and 40 minutes to get onto the network this morning. Both domains were available but both were glacially slow.

I'm in the office. I reported that i had to park TWO WHOLE PARKING SPACES further from the gate than i usually do, this morning. Computer was still signed on from yesterday.

Strangely, no one was sympathetic to my plight...

 

[bilby]

Attempted coup in Australia. Leader appoints herself as GG.

An attempted coup d'état has been foiled by the Australian Federal Police, after they arrested a woman who has declared herself Governor General, for illegally importing fake police badges. She planned to form her own alternative Federal Police force, and to arrest a number of senior government officials and elected members of parliament.

"Queensland Joint Counter Terrorism Team investigators (JCTT) have not found an impending threat to community safety, and have yet to find any evidence the group had the ability to carry out acts they had discussed," the AFP said in a statement.

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2021-09-10/peterborough-woman-arrested-over-fake-police-badges/100452416

 

[Keith&Co.]

Someone said the Proposal effort is a 'shenanigans free zone.'

I am apparently the only person in our office who heard that and did NOT think: That means shenanigans are prohibited up there.'

I took it as a complaint that the area was shenanigan-deficient. Something that needed correcting. So I gave a participant a bucket of plastic dinosaurs. "Spread 'em around, have fun," I told him.

They did not have fun. They've apparently spent the better part of two hours arguing whether the archaeopteryx figure is, or is not, a dinosaur. And they're trying to determine whose goddamned idea the dinosaur toys were.

I may not get the bucket back.

I got the dinosaurs back, today.

haven't seen the dinosaurs in two years. Heard about them for a month after donating them to the Proposal effort (for a contract we did not get). Usually phrased as 'Were those goddamned dinosaurs your goddamned idea?'

Today, someone i have never met walked into our area, went name-tag by name-tag and stopped at my cube. "I believe these are yours." Dumped the bucket on my desk and left.

I didn't get the bucket.

But, it wasn't my bucket.

As i picked up the dinosaurs, i found several small plastic figures of dinosaurs that did not come from my original set. Wherever they have been, they have accumulated friends....

The only other coworker in the office went by my cube as i interrogated each one to see if they were the one that gave up my name....

 

[Patooka]

An attempted coup d'état has been foiled by the Australian Federal Police, after they arrested a woman who has declared herself Governor General, for illegally importing fake police badges. She planned to form her own alternative Federal Police force, and to arrest a number of senior government officials and elected members of parliament.

"Queensland Joint Counter Terrorism Team investigators (JCTT) have not found an impending threat to community safety, and have yet to find any evidence the group had the ability to carry out acts they had discussed," the AFP said in a statement.

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2021-09-10/peterborough-woman-arrested-over-fake-police-badges/100452416

When I read the article, my first thought was, "a woman in South Australia who ran for office in Western Australia was trying to organise a national coup in Queensland? I must know more!"

Then I discovered she was a former Palmer United candidate and it all made sense. What a fucking let down.

 

[bilby]

An attempted coup d'état has been foiled by the Australian Federal Police, after they arrested a woman who has declared herself Governor General, for illegally importing fake police badges. She planned to form her own alternative Federal Police force, and to arrest a number of senior government officials and elected members of parliament.

"Queensland Joint Counter Terrorism Team investigators (JCTT) have not found an impending threat to community safety, and have yet to find any evidence the group had the ability to carry out acts they had discussed," the AFP said in a statement.

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2021-09-10/peterborough-woman-arrested-over-fake-police-badges/100452416

When I read the article, my first thought was, "a woman in South Australia who ran for office in Western Australia was trying to organise a national coup in Queensland? I must know more!"

Then I discovered she was a former Palmer United candidate and it all made sense. What a fucking let down.

Wait, what?

On what planet does any part of this "make sense"?

It's fractally crazy.

I am thinking that you don't really mean "makes sense", so much as "doesn't surprise me".

 

[Angry Floof]

When I read the article, my first thought was, "a woman in South Australia who ran for office in Western Australia was trying to organise a national coup in Queensland? I must know more!"

Then I discovered she was a former Palmer United candidate and it all made sense. What a fucking let down.

Wait, what?

On what planet does any part of this "make sense"?

It's fractally crazy.

I am thinking that you don't really mean "makes sense", so much as "doesn't surprise me".

I'm thinking that, too. I am also guilty of using this phrasing for things that are fractally crazy, like how abortion zealotry "makes sense" but only within the context of insane right wing cult mentality and ideology.

 

[Patooka]

When I read the article, my first thought was, "a woman in South Australia who ran for office in Western Australia was trying to organise a national coup in Queensland? I must know more!"

Then I discovered she was a former Palmer United candidate and it all made sense. What a fucking let down.

Wait, what?

On what planet does any part of this "make sense"?

It's fractally crazy.

I am thinking that you don't really mean "makes sense", so much as "doesn't surprise me".

That's what I meant. Oops.

 

[Keith&Co.]

The Halloween candy is on display.
As i passed that aisle, a young girl held up a bag of Hershey bars that are 'glow in the dark.'
"What are these for?" She asked her father and brother. "Who eould buy these?"
I reached past her for a bag. She looked at me like i was crazy. So i said softly, "I wanna see what my poop looks like."

Her brother said, 'Ewwwww!'
She suddenly looked thoughtful. Then turned to ask dad if they could get some....

Gonna count that as an upcheck for the day.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Boss has spelling problems.
He had to fill out a form and for some reason shared the form in Teams so we could 'help.'

There were four of us suggesting improvements or standardized phrasing for these submittals.
Like, for system affected, we need to say "Fire Control System Mk 98 Mod 6."
: he typed, "Fire Control."
"No, it's Fire Control System." he adds System.
"Oh, yeah. So, Mark 98?" Types Mark.
"No, Mk." he backspaces, types MK.
"No, Lower case k." He fixes that. Types 98.
I suggested; "No, lower case 8." He backspaces and looks for the lower case 8. Eventually curses my name, my family, my hairline....

Upcheck for the day.

 

[Bomb#20]

As i picked up the dinosaurs, i found several small plastic figures of dinosaurs that did not come from my original set. Wherever they have been, they have accumulated friends....

 

[Keith&Co.]

Why not, though?
According to canon, He's omnipresent.
He's in the room with me now.
He's in my browser.
He's in the website i surfed to.
He was in the room when the photo was taken, and IN the model, including the exterior, the interior, the paint job, the attachments, the wheeled base...
Might not be in the lighting they used... Not sure if omnipresence and indirect lighting make a paradox.

 

[Shadowy Man]

Don’t most people only use one hand?

 

[jonatha]

Don’t most people only use one hand?

Well, maybe you do

 

[Veritass]

View attachment 35313



Why not, though?
According to canon, He's omnipresent.
He's in the room with me now.
He's in my browser.
He's in the website i surfed to.
He was in the room when the photo was taken, and IN the model, including the exterior, the interior, the paint job, the attachments, the wheeled base...
Might not be in the lighting they used... Not sure if omnipresence and indirect lighting make a paradox.

You missed the most important part of the omni God: He is in my hand, helping me along.

 

[Angry Floof]

I use my feet, so if a God existed, I could still theoretically hold hands with him.

 

[Thomas II]

I use my feet, so if a God existed, I could still theoretically hold hands with him.

 

[ideologyhunter]

So what do priests...no, skip it.

 

[Thomas II]

I love this movie, "This is 40"...

 

[Keith&Co.]

Wait...witches and Satanists weren't already on The Left?
There are...conservative witches?
Are they in the Southwest?
I bet they're in the Southwest.
I can sorta see HexMex...

Or have i been mispronouncing it?
Is Texarkana really Tex-Arcane?

 

[George S]

View attachment 35353

Wait...witches and Satanists weren't already on The Left?
There are...conservative witches?
Are they in the Southwest?
I bet they're in the Southwest.
I can sorta see HexMex...

Or have i been mispronouncing it?
Is Texarkana really Tex-Arcane?

The only witch I've recently met was in South Carolina officiating at my granddaughter's wedding.

 

[Keith&Co.]

A post in another thread just sent me on the wayback machine.

That was fun. Do it again.

So, subs have these smoke markers. When we operate in wargames, we launch colored smoke to signal certain things.
The smoke emitter is a floating device, salt water activated, that floats up to the surface as a sort of flare.
The launch is thru what is basically a scaled-down torpedo tube.
You put in the smoke, pressurize to slightly above sea pressure, open the outer door, it pops out, floats swiftly but gently up. A column of colored smoke rises from the spot, alerting them to whatever the message was.
We shot you, you shot us, avoid this spot we're surfacing, whatever.


Unless you were on The Ben Franklin in '82. Playing games with a destroyer, we had a torpedo solution, so the captain ordered, 'Launch a green smoke,' to indicate that we had pretend-fired a torpedo at them. Kind of 'Tag! Gotcha!'

Sea pressure is 44 psi per 100 feet in depth. So, we were at periscope depth, should have used around 30 psi to launch. The air comes from a 700psi header. The torpedoman just....opened the valve.

When launched, the smoke exploded out of the tube. The entire ship shook like we had collided with something. We scrambled. Looking for flooding, signs of impact, lost equipment... then the destoyer captain called.
Apparently this green, smoking rocket burst out of the water, jetting across the waves like a comet, bounced twice, then flew upwards and exploded. Their signalmen were at a loss to translate the message. Their CO called: "That was neat! Do it again!"


We...did not do it again. The captain called 'Rocket Billy' to the conn, a nickname that stuck. They called him that on his next command.

 

[Keith&Co.]

I farted in the supermarket.

I was, even by my standards, fucking rank. Like, washed up on the shore, decaying dead. Whoof! And i was masked! God help the anti-maskers!

But i was alone in that aisle. So, i went about making selections from my shopping list.
Other shoppers came by. Elder Mom in a little powered cart, daughter puxhing a standard shopping cart. As they drew close to the canned veggies, Mom turned and blurted, "It wasn't me."
Daughter, "What wasn't y- Oh, my GOD! MOM! Was that You?!"
"I just SAID it wasn't me."
"Do we need to go back to the house?"
"No!"

Okay, in the Navy, i used to fart competitively. No big deal. "It was me." I admitted freely.
Daughter looked at me odd, like she couldn't tell if i was serious, or interfering. Okay.
But MOM looked at me like i'd done her wrong! I backed you up! No need to interrupt the shopping trip! Would you rather i had claimed innocence? Blamed you? Or, considering my background, given you a thumbs-up, "Good one!"? Your daughter would have bought it!

 

[skepticalbip]

"One toke over the line" sung on the Lawrence Welk show and identified by Welk as a "modern spiritual"...

 

[Angry Floof]

A friend on Facebook, a Buddhist monk, posting a rant about how awful humanity is and describing the world as an apocalyptic hellscape complete with self righteous moralizing about selfishness, destructiveness, ego...

What a phony. *I* am a better Buddhist monk than this guy. Wouldn't an experienced Buddhist monk hold a bit of a more equanimous perspective? Unless Buddhism is also kind of phony religious bullshit just wrapped up in slightly better existential window dressing? Or is this guy just a tool?

Now that I think of it, maybe some real Buddhists just fast tracked this guy so he would hurry up and fuck off out of their monastery. That actually seems plausible.

 

[Keith&Co.]

...maybe some real Buddhists just fast tracked this guy so he would hurry up and fuck off

Otto?

Now let me correct you on a couple of things, Ok? Aristotle was not Belgian. The central message of Buddhism is not "Every man for himself". And the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up.

but in his case, thery said, Right. Straight marks, off you go.

 

[skepticalbip]

A friend on Facebook, a Buddhist monk, posting a rant about how awful humanity is and describing the world as an apocalyptic hellscape complete with self righteous moralizing about selfishness, destructiveness, ego...

What a phony. *I* am a better Buddhist monk than this guy. Wouldn't an experienced Buddhist monk hold a bit of a more equanimous perspective? Unless Buddhism is also kind of phony religious bullshit just wrapped up in slightly better existential window dressing? Or is this guy just a tool?

Now that I think of it, maybe some real Buddhists just fast tracked this guy so he would hurry up and fuck off out of their monastery. That actually seems plausible.

It looks like your monk has the Buddhist view of the world but misses the Buddhist teachings of how to deal with it.

i.e. The teaching is that life is pain and suffering (it sucks). How to deal with it is to accept it as it is and not to add to the suffering of other life forms.

At least that is what I got from my readings of Buddhism.

 

[Keith&Co.]

The restaurant was playing late-80's Rock music as we ate. My wife or i would regularly comment about how long it had been since we heard this song, or when we first heard this song, or what was neat in the video...

Then a song came on from the late 70's. (Queen, who promised to rock us.) I said, "I'd say this was a trip on The Wayback Machine, but this song was on my playlist as we drove here."
"Sweetie," she said, "your playlist IS The Wayback Machine."

 

[Arctish]

[YOUTUBE]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c833QBWoPXI[/YOUTUBE]

Lock and load, ladies.

 

[Keith&Co.]

So, the entire supervisory element went off to a meeting, leaving me and the other nerd alone in chat. The conversation developed to where we proved that paperwork will survive the eventual crushing of the universe, and the only thing to come out of the monobloc will be a form for registering our new universe with the makers. Also, Dark Matter is probably red tape from previous realities.
Suddenly, supervisor enters, 'this is what you guys do when left alone in Teams? Surprised you didn't start a role playing game.'

Nerd1 typed, "cannot find the dice roll function for the chat."
Saw "[supervisor] is typing."
I added, "Math rocks go clacky clack!"






He stopped typing. For, like, half an hour.

 

[Elixir]

 

[Keith&Co.]

Speaking of cannibalism, and you know who you are,

So, a problem was resolved.
Someone in chat declared 'There was much rejoicing.'
Someone else asked if we could still eat the minstrels.
I said no, as none of us could carry a tune.
My boss was shocked. "Eating WHAT?!!?"
So, we explained it was a scene out of Monty Python's Holy Grail. She was horrified. She's never seen Python, but her kid likes Holy Grail. All kinds of pissed off, no one told her, that sort of thing happens, fucking British weirdos, etc.. Really, though, cannibalism is not that outrageous for the Python's. Tried to explain this. Did not calm her down.
Turns out, after much back and forth, that what she HEARD was not Minstrel, but Menstrual.

Oh. Um, no, think 'bard,' not 'shark week.'

 

[Keith&Co.]

A trip to the store. For craft stuff.
Just need a big wooden letter "U" for my boss award. Know right where they are. A quick in-out. No expectations of any big confusing mysteries. Or emotional trauma.


Sliding past the holiday decorations. Aaaaand...




I.... i have a question. An URGENT question, please.

 

[James Brown]

Is this one of those "Spot the Difference" games?

 

[Thomas II]

Is this one of those "Spot the Difference" games?

No. It's Canada...

 

[Elixir]

 

[George S]

View attachment 35463

I'm 20 miles from North Port. The residents here advise against walking after dark. Hazards include, inter alia, alligators.

 

[bilby]

 

[Keith&Co.]

My sister had a bit of confusion trying to get somewhere in Atlanta. Construction or something caused some temporary changes to the roadway and she was ticketed for failure to yield.
At traffic court, the woman in front of her started to tell her side, "I was making a left turn and-"
The judge was in a jovial mood and tweaked her a bit. "You were making a left turn? In Atlanta? You never turn left in Atlanta."

The woman did not realize she was being teased. "I had to. That was the only way to get into the shopping center."

"We get people in here EVERY DAY that make a left turn and it screws things up. Never turn left in Atlanta."

They eventually sorted her out, established a fine, moved on. Sister was the next case. They called her. She stepped to the podium. "Tell me what happened."

"I was making a left turn," she stared, then very quickly, "BUT I'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN!" The judge laughed for five minutes, then let her off.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Commander, Submarine Forces, Atlantic, has a little project he's working on, teaching a nuclear weapons culture to the officers and enlisted that operate the big shiny boom things.
We (all the companies supporting Strat Weps) were tasked with introducing the concepts at key points in the curricula. I wrote most of the elements for my company's courses.
The Admiral was not satisfied with another company's efforts, so my boss' boss said, "Here, look at ours!" And showed mine.
COMSUBLANT was so impressed by my efforts he's giving me an award.
Boss told me, in front of my department. I said, "Gosh, i hope fame doesn't change me."
"Shit," two coworkers said. "That's what we were hoping for."

 

[Keith&Co.]

Getting gas at the gas station. Guy at the next pump says, "You know, most Americans can't name the first four presidents in order."
I didn't try, but said, "Shit, one time on the sub? I asked everyone who was vice president right then, 85% drew a blank. I mean, it was George Bush, but still..."
He didnt talk again.

 

[Jayjay]

A trip to the store. For craft stuff.
Just need a big wooden letter "U" for my boss award. Know right where they are. A quick in-out. No expectations of any big confusing mysteries. Or emotional trauma.


Sliding past the holiday decorations. Aaaaand...


View attachment 35459

I.... i have a question. An URGENT question, please.

Me too: "Shouldn't one of these be more expensive than the other?"

 

[TV and credit cards]

A trip to the store. For craft stuff.
Just need a big wooden letter "U" for my boss award. Know right where they are. A quick in-out. No expectations of any big confusing mysteries. Or emotional trauma.


Sliding past the holiday decorations. Aaaaand...


View attachment 35459

I.... i have a question. An URGENT question, please.

Me too: "Shouldn't one of these be more expensive than the other?"

Personally, I’d be insulted. I’d like to think I’d at least fetch four and a quarter.
A spot on an eye level shelf would be nice too but you won’t hear me complain.

 

[Keith&Co.]

So, last night, i was visited by three ghosts. I think i pissed off the Ghost Of Halloweens Yet To Come, though. They showed me my future.


I said, "Cool! My wife, Mom AND Dad delivered Eulogies!"

 

[Keith&Co.]

Something new at work.
In addition to our performance reviews, we're being rated on our 'Potential.'
Not potential for productive output, but Potential for Change.
Like, if someone wants to move from worker to Tech Manager to Department Head, they're exhibiting a High Potential.
If someone's satisfied where they're at, with the job they're doing, and have no desire to be promoted to a different job, they have Low Potential. This is me. This describes me exactly.

My boss spent 15 minutes going over the new program with me. About 5 minutes on the new program, about 10 minutes trying to soften the blow of telling me i'm Low Potential, but that there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, he knows it SOUNDS dismissive.
But i caught on pretty quickly that my picture could be used in the definition.

When he briefed me, he called back to a former coworker who retired about 5 years ago. "Susan was Low Potential. Really great at her job, no desire to move out of it."
"Okay. And me."
"Well, you're Low to Mid."
"Shut your whore mouth, Bill, I am NOT Mid-Potential. I am Low."
"And there's nothing wrong with that!"
"Wouldn't matter a damn if there was."


My wife works here, has the same manager. He used Susan as the example for Low when he briefed her.
For EVERYONE ELSE IN THE DEPARTMENT, he used ME as the example.
Jeez, if he's THAT afraid I'm going to take offense (or my wife will on my part), maybe we shouldn't adopt those buzzwords?

 

[bilby]

Something new at work.
In addition to our performance reviews, we're being rated on our 'Potential.'
Not potential for productive output, but Potential for Change.
Like, if someone wants to move from worker to Tech Manager to Department Head, they're exhibiting a High Potential.
If someone's satisfied where they're at, with the job they're doing, and have no desire to be promoted to a different job, they have Low Potential. This is me. This describes me exactly.

My boss spent 15 minutes going over the new program with me. About 5 minutes on the new program, about 10 minutes trying to soften the blow of telling me i'm Low Potential, but that there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, he knows it SOUNDS dismissive.
But i caught on pretty quickly that my picture could be used in the definition.

When he briefed me, he called back to a former coworker who retired about 5 years ago. "Susan was Low Potential. Really great at her job, no desire to move out of it."
"Okay. And me."
"Well, you're Low to Mid."
"Shut your whore mouth, Bill, I am NOT Mid-Potential. I am Low."
"And there's nothing wrong with that!"
"Wouldn't matter a damn if there was."


My wife works here, has the same manager. He used Susan as the example for Low when he briefed her.
For EVERYONE ELSE IN THE DEPARTMENT, he used ME as the example.
Jeez, if he's THAT afraid I'm going to take offense (or my wife will on my part), maybe we shouldn't adopt those buzzwords?

They should be rating people on their fit, or their tenacity, or their appropriateness.

If you want to stay in your current role, you gave good fit, great tenacity, and are a highly appropriate employee.

If, on the other hand, you want to do something else - even if that something else is the boss's job, or the boss's boss's job - you have poor fit, low tenacity and are inappropriate to your role. You're also likely to be an ineffective employee who spends too much time kissing arses and worrying about a job you don't have, and not enough time doing your current job to the best of your ability.

I hate the entire system that demands advancement, even at the cost of competence. Nobody likes working with colleagues whose focus is their next promotion, and not the task at hand.

 

[Keith&Co.]

If, on the other hand, you want to do something else - even if that something else is the boss's job, or the boss's boss's job - you have poor fit, low tenacity and are inappropriate to your role. You're also likely to be an ineffective employee who spends too much time kissing arses and worrying about a job you don't have, and not enough time doing your current job to the best of your ability.

This is whst i hated about military advancement. I studied the system i was billeted. People who wanted to be in charge studied command level collateral duties to get attention. So i often worked for people that really needed me to tell them how our system worked.

But if i asked to not be recommended gor sdvancement, i'd hve slso nit been recommended for retention.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Pizza tonight. No contact delivery.
I appended a message to our order: Money will be on a darling little table inside the garage. Leave the food there. Tip included, change is neither desired or required.

Light is on, door is unlocked.
Got an email saying a package was delivered. So, as i go outside, i tell myself not to lock the garage door as is my habit.
Don't lock garage door.
Get outside.
Don't lock garage door.
Check the delivery box. There's no goddamned delivery.
Don't lock garage door.
Fedex hack walked past it to put the envelope on the porch in direct contradiction of the box instructions.
Don't lock garage door.
Gather the envelope.
Come inside.
Say out loud, "Don't lock garage door."
I Don't lock garage door! Yay!
Five steps later, the kitchen door is locked.
I don't have my keys.
Back outside to ring the doorbell.
Son stands next to front door, shouts, "The money's in the garage!"

I am well aware.
"Open the god damned door!"
Neighbor shouts, 'Watch the language!'
"My son locked me out!"
"I did not!" he protests, inadvertently admitting he knew who was knocking... "I mean, um. I'll get the door!"
So helpful....