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Things that make you laugh...

Keith&Co.

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My sister in law died a while back. She named a friend as her executor, who's still working thru the inheritance and estate.
We've been to Philly a couple of times helping with stuff, finding, sorting, clsiming, tossing... Been out to dinner a couple times, a few long drives looking for storage lockers or safe deposits.

Friend is about a generation older than us. Very friendly, polite, generous... And she keeps interrupting conversations to reassure my wife.

She'll tell a SIL anecdote. Which reminds me of 'This one time on my (1st, 3rd, 6th) command...' During these sea stories my wife will have the 'why has no one shot you?' expression. I am familiar with this face.
Friend will misinterpret the look and rush to say, "Oh, it's funny, but he never really told a Navy Chaplain to shut his piehole.'"

This is funny because my wife is well aware of what i am capable of saying. She was also at one of the commands and heard independent renditions of a couple of my stories thru one or more grapevines. If anything, i toned the stories DOWN for polite company.

So, you know, it's nice that you have this high opinion of me, dear, but do you really think after 30 years my WIFE needs the bowlderized version?
 

Keith&Co.

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Coworker went to visit his parents last week. Just emailed that they wanted to go to church. He hasn't been since hd left home, but knew his wife would say, 'let's just get along.' So they went.
Pastor met them at the door, asked if he read to his kids from The Good Book.
Wow. This was just like that facebook meme! So he said, 'Yes.'
In the meme, the Pastor asks 'what's their favorite part.' His parents' pastor asked, 'Do they get excited?'
Close enough. He cheekily repeats the meme, "At the part where Frodo destroys the Ring!"
Pastor immediately looks pissed. "Frodo didn't destroy the Ring! Gollum did! Who's telling them it was Frodo?!"
"Poser," his wife said.

I think i am going to call him mundane on Monday....
 

Keith&Co.

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I've discovered and enjoy Inka Peruvian Corn snacks. Like Corn Nuts, but bigger kernels. A little lighter, crisp but not as tough to chew.
Ordered some last week. Vendor warned me there were supply issues, they may not be able to fill the order.
Found another source. Ordered some. Supply issues, may not be able to fill the order right away.
Found another, same story.

So, three orders in, expect delays. Worst case, the snacks are staggered across the calendar with random deliveries. Or, one fills the order, i can cancel the others.
I opened my email Monday, three messages thanking me for my patience, the order has shipped.
Wife found me today, building Fort Peru out of cases of corn snacks...
We're prepared to face off conquistadors, now. These things in a slingshot will behead an Inquisitor, i think.
 

hyzer

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Cub Scouts, 1969, my Dad has volunteered to be the incoming Scout Master. All the main Den activities are done by the Den Mothers. The only real activity of the Scout Master was to organize the annual fund raiser. Unlike the Girl Scouts with their traditional cookie sales, each year the Cub Scouts have to come up with a new thing to sell. The out going Scout Master has delivered unto my Dad a hand typed list of the all the sales done over the past decade, and a list of phone numbers / company names that support / provide the "stuff" that can be sold for low expense and "big profit." Of course this is pre-internet days, so my Dad starts making calls in which the reps for these companies describe what they have that is new(!). All of these companies in those days would consider the Scouts "good for it" and advance all of the stuff, expecting to be paid by the Scouts afterward, with the pack keeping any profits. My Dad reached an agreement with one company thinking that what he was to receive was one sample box (remember, he hasn't seen them) of "Americas Greeting Cards" (featuring fabulous photos of American landscapes during different seasons). Two weeks later a semi-truck drives down our little suburban Maryland street to deliver unto my Dad 144 cases (each case 12" x 12" x 12" and containing 12 boxes of 24 cards), of Americas Greeting Cards . . .

Fortunately the photos were indeed fabulous and the boxes practically sold themselves.
 

Angry Floof

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Cub Scouts, 1969, my Dad has volunteered to be the incoming Scout Master. All the main Den activities are done by the Den Mothers. The only real activity of the Scout Master was to organize the annual fund raiser. Unlike the Girl Scouts with their traditional cookie sales, each year the Cub Scouts have to come up with a new thing to sell. The out going Scout Master has delivered unto my Dad a hand typed list of the all the sales done over the past decade, and a list of phone numbers / company names that support / provide the "stuff" that can be sold for low expense and "big profit." Of course this is pre-internet days, so my Dad starts making calls in which the reps for these companies describe what they have that is new(!). All of these companies in those days would consider the Scouts "good for it" and advance all of the stuff, expecting to be paid by the Scouts afterward, with the pack keeping any profits. My Dad reached an agreement with one company thinking that what he was to receive was one sample box (remember, he hasn't seen them) of "Americas Greeting Cards" (featuring fabulous photos of American landscapes during different seasons). Two weeks later a semi-truck drives down our little suburban Maryland street to deliver unto my Dad 144 cases (each case 12" x 12" x 12" and containing 12 boxes of 24 cards), of Americas Greeting Cards . . .

Fortunately the photos were indeed fabulous and the boxes practically sold themselves.
OOPS. hehe
 

Keith&Co.

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So, i submitted a lesson plan for approval.
A chain of Subject Matter Experts and Instructional Design people reviewed it and offered helpful observations.
Joy.
One SME felt a need to point out that my Learning Strategy only covered six of the seven parts of the lesson. Huh. Let me see.

LS: Trainee will perform a representative sample of Fire Control diagnostic procedures to gain familiarity with the test station, the procedures, and pass/fail criteria.

My reply: What the fuck is wrong with you? Part I of the lesson plan is the Introduction. Thst's between the instructor and the students. Not part of the LS.
Part II is the lab prep. They aren't supposed to be in the lab during the prep, it's a safety violation, so no learning CAN happen, so strategy applies.
III is Safety Brief. This is a Navy requirement for instruction. For operating the lab and knowing what to do in case of danger (mainly: leave.). The instructor doesn't even refer to my LP for this part, but a locally generated brief unique to the lab,
IV-Security Brief. As above, but a different local brief.
V. Direct Trainee to perform the Fire Control diagnostic procedures listed below. Ensure Trainee gains familiarity with the test station, the procedures, and pass/fail criteria. Ensure Traimnee understands this is not all the diagnostics, but a sample. I hope to god in all her glory that this is the part you felt was covered by my learning strategy. I pretty much quoted it to MAKE the learning strategy. I'd ask, but i might not be able to handle it if you answer wrong.
VI. Critique. This is the part where they summarize what was done in the lab, including any violations of Safety and Security. It is after the god damned learning, thus beyond the scope of any learnification strategizing, nu?
VII. Terminate lab. They undo the Part II steps, again without any participation from the students who are not qualified to safely assist these steps. As above, no leaning possible.

Boss heard me pounding the keys as i replied and worried about my professionalism. She was working remote today, and my mic picked up the plastic chipping off the keys. 'Send me the reply before you...No. Send me the reply, I'll post it.'

She posted a WAY smaller version. Like, "Yes, that's right." Or some such...
 

Loren Pechtel

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So, i submitted a lesson plan for approval.
A chain of Subject Matter Experts and Instructional Design people reviewed it and offered helpful observations.
Joy.
One SME felt a need to point out that my Learning Strategy only covered six of the seven parts of the lesson. Huh. Let me see.
Experts at toy battleships in the bathtub, perhaps?
 

Keith&Co.

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So, i submitted a lesson plan for approval.
A chain of Subject Matter Experts and Instructional Design people reviewed it and offered helpful observations.
Joy.
One SME felt a need to point out that my Learning Strategy only covered six of the seven parts of the lesson. Huh. Let me see.
Experts at toy battleships in the bathtub, perhaps?
So No, he knows or is experienced with the real weapon system, under the waters and everything, and should comment on technical content. He knows doo piddly squat about the chosen method for packaging the content. He should not draw so VERY much attention to this fact.
 

Keith&Co.

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I teach an overview of Strategic Weapons to put the fire cintrol system we build in context. Let engineers underdtand why certain circuits have extra paperwork (SUBSAFE or Nuclear Safety Rules), how our equipment impacts ship operations, history of Sub Launched Missiles, why new procedures need to be fully approved seven months before they go into effec, etc.
And answer questions, discuss their projects in detail, talk about life on the subs, what it's like to launch (feels like a high-speed elevator stopping on the top floor).
One guy ask, "How did you learn all these details? Signals, and values, and day length in seconds, and rules, and criteria, and definitions? How did all this information get into your head?"
"Did you miss my intro? Where i introduced myself and said i have been doing this job, more or less, for forty one years?"

long silence. "Oh. I thought you said four...."
 

none

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I teach an overview of Strategic Weapons to put the fire cintrol system we build in context. Let engineers underdtand why certain circuits have extra paperwork (SUBSAFE or Nuclear Safety Rules), how our equipment impacts ship operations, history of Sub Launched Missiles, why new procedures need to be fully approved seven months before they go into effec, etc.
And answer questions, discuss their projects in detail, talk about life on the subs, what it's like to launch (feels like a high-speed elevator stopping on the top floor).
One guy ask, "How did you learn all these details? Signals, and values, and day length in seconds, and rules, and criteria, and definitions? How did all this information get into your head?"
"Did you miss my intro? Where i introduced myself and said i have been doing this job, more or less, for forty one years?"

long silence. "Oh. I thought you said four...."
har har all that poop and it turns out if you don't flip the switch on a life extinction event your poking when you should'a been stroking....
 

Keith&Co.

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I was late to the last department meeting. So i did not know there was a plan in place.
Our Manager was surface Navy, one of two people in the plant from that part of the branch. He's constantly comparing Surface and Sub Navy.
Yesterday, my Lead asked, 'Hey, Bill? What did the Fleet call it, end of the day, when work ended?'
'What? You mean liberty call?'
I signed off. It's an old, old joke. Boss says 'liberty,' you make a dash for the exits. I think my way was unique, but i did grt two days out of it....

I guess everyone left, except our Supervisor. Bill was alone with her. I am told he said, 'Your guys are smartasses.'
She replied, 'Better a smartass than a dumbass.'
'Are you calling me a dumbass?'
'I dunno, Bill, it's 9 o'clock in the morning and you just put down liberty. What would you call you?!'
 

Angry Floof

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257555739_10159658148679872_8739475258587386264_n.jpg
 

Keith&Co.

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So, i, um, i had a dream.
I attended the Sex Ollympics.


....I was a line judge.

Is it technically a 'wet dream' if everyone else* in the dream achieves satisfaction except you?

*And i mean everyone else. Contestants, referees, announcers, people in the stands, cameramen, translators... A text from my sister, watching ESexPN at home...
 

Keith&Co.

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Thinking about Discworld, and the animals of the place.
Figure they would have their examples of megafauna...really big examples of lifeforms. Mostly they'd match our examples.r

Being as there are supernatural elements to Discworld, they might have gigafauna. Supernaturally big animals like the roc or the kraken, which prey on megafauna.

I wonder, though, if the animals holding up the world would classify as terafauna...?

ETA: just asked tallest son this question. He's threatening not to cook tonight. "You want dinner? Cause that's how you don't get dinner!"
 

Wiploc

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Thinking about Discworld, and the animals of the place.
Figure they would have their examples of megafauna...really big examples of lifeforms. Mostly they'd match our examples.r

Being as there are supernatural elements to Discworld, they might have gigafauna. Supernaturally big animals like the roc or the kraken, which prey on megafauna.

I wonder, though, if the animals holding up the world would classify as terafauna...?

ETA: just asked tallest son this question. He's threatening not to cook tonight. "You want dinner? Cause that's how you don't get dinner!"

You're looking for something bigger than A'Tuin?
 

Keith&Co.

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Thinking about Discworld, and the animals of the place.
Figure they would have their examples of megafauna...really big examples of lifeforms. Mostly they'd match our examples.r

Being as there are supernatural elements to Discworld, they might have gigafauna. Supernaturally big animals like the roc or the kraken, which prey on megafauna.

I wonder, though, if the animals holding up the world would classify as terafauna...?

ETA: just asked tallest son this question. He's threatening not to cook tonight. "You want dinner? Cause that's how you don't get dinner!"

You're looking for something bigger than A'Tuin?
Um, no i'm punning.
 

Keith&Co.

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Made a sarcastic comment at work the other day. I don't remember exactly, something about our tax dollars at work? The new budget must have been approved? I dunno, something about wasting money on some silly shit...
Just learned (thru gossip that reached my wife) that someone took it as a threat. Reported me to the manager.
He was explaining the context, and why my comment counted as a threat.
Boss interrupted him. "This is Keith. If he was threatening you, the threat would be clear. You wouldn't have to explain it. You might not know all the adjectives, but the threat would be explicit. It wasn't a threat."
 

Elixir

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Made a sarcastic comment at work the other day. I don't remember exactly, something about our tax dollars at work? The new budget must have been approved? I dunno, something about wasting money on some silly shit...
Just learned (thru gossip that reached my wife) that someone took it as a threat. Reported me to the manager.
He was explaining the context, and why my comment counted as a threat.
Boss interrupted him. "This is Keith. If he was threatening you, the threat would be clear. You wouldn't have to explain it. You might not know all the adjectives, but the threat would be explicit. It wasn't a threat."

What a great boss.
 

Keith&Co.

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Ran across a commencement speech a couple days ago. Some admiral's advice to the graduates was...make your bed.
Get up, start the day by completing a task. You'll enjoy the feeling of completing that task. It will inspire you to complete the next task. It will lead to a chain of completing tasks and feeling good. He assured them of this.
I got up this morning, looked at the covers...and thought, mentally telling an admiral to fuck off will do SO much more for my attitude.
And it HAS!!!
 

Elixir

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Making beds is stupid. You can do that later. Plus, Mrs Elixir wouldn’t be pleased since she’s still trying to sleep.

I begin every day by making coffee and feeding my animals.
They appreciate it.
 

Keith&Co.

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Had breakfast at Wendy's [American burger chain, aimed at a more adult demographic when McDonald's cornered the 'Happy Meal' market]. They had...difficulties with our order.
There was a delay, dordeso we parked to the side. The girl running delayed orders didnt actually know which car got which order, tried to give us a variety (were you the four sandwiches and a potato? No, as i said last time, we are ...) and gave us the wrong order at the end.
Drove back to the window, pointedout we ordered absolutely no sausages, eventually got a lot closer to our order and gave ip complaining. I had chicken and bacon. It was a biscuit, not a croissant, but my blood sugar was getting bad, so we just said, 'close enough.'

As we ate, i realized we never yelled, never demanded anything more than we contracted for, were pretty patient, polite, and even found extra coins to pay because the sign said they were out of pennies.

Which probably means no one ever talks to their therapist, wife, boyfriend, or dog about us. No, 'Man, this one couple i got, today? Sheesh!'
We're probably no one's FAVE customers, but we don't leave scar tissue, either. These dsys, thsst may be heroic....
 

spikepipsqueak

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From what you tell us, Keith, many, many people are likely to have permanent slots with their therapists on your account. It's just that it is to settle confusion and abrupt changes in worldview rather than abuse trauma.

:)
 

spikepipsqueak

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PS Stop eating junk food for breakfast. It's a fairly well documented way to kill yourself. You're already a diabetic.
 

Jayjay

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Thinking about Discworld, and the animals of the place.
Figure they would have their examples of megafauna...really big examples of lifeforms. Mostly they'd match our examples.r

Being as there are supernatural elements to Discworld, they might have gigafauna. Supernaturally big animals like the roc or the kraken, which prey on megafauna.

I wonder, though, if the animals holding up the world would classify as terafauna...?

ETA: just asked tallest son this question. He's threatening not to cook tonight. "You want dinner? Cause that's how you don't get dinner!"
Discworld is about 10,000 miles wide, or 16,000 kilometers. The art depicting the Discworld doesn't seem consistent as to the size of the elephants, but let's say they're at least 1/10th the diameter of the disc.

An African elephant is about 4 meters long. That means the discworld elephants, if their body density is about the same as a real elephant's, weigh roughly 64*10e15 times that of a regular elephant. So technically they should be categorized as zettafauna.
 

Patooka

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Boss interrupted him. "This is Keith. If he was threatening you, the threat would be clear. You wouldn't have to explain it. You might not know all the adjectives, but the threat would be explicit. It wasn't a threat."
Reminds me of a similar situation. There was a harassment claim at my work, strangely also towards a Keith. Middle aged, closer to 60 than 50. I walking in halfway through the complaint and what the boss said to complainee about that Keith applies to you.

Boss said to complainee, "We're talking about Keith here mate. The bastard doesn't make threats. He's just letting you know why you're going to feel sorry for yourself tomorrow."
 

Keith&Co.

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So, like me, a coworker at my MASSACHUSETTS company lives in MASS, has a MASS address, MASS area code.
Someone calls his grandmother. Seattle area code.
Says he's CoWorker.
Has been arrested for speeding in Pennsylvania. And Drinking/driving.
Needs $10,000 bail money. Wired to his account in a Texas bank.
'Mike, why do you have a Texas bank account? You were never in Texas?'
'Oh, that's my lawyer's account. For the bail. To get out of jail. In Pennsylvania.'
Grandma agrees to send himntge money.
But first, she calls her son, CW's dad, and lights him up, about what a disappointing ne'er do well Mike is, what with the drinking, divorce, speeding, jail, and demanding money from an old woman on a fixed income....
Dad has to explain it's a scam.
"Why am i sure? Well, if nothing else, Mike is on a business trip right now, and if he fucked up that badly, he'd be in a Scottish jail."
 

Keith&Co.

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I guess some tampon company used to put empowering affirmations on the wrappers?
A coworker couldn't find any of those but surfed the internet for empowering slogans for today's woman. And repeated these to his wife when she was in labor.
"Breathe with me, Snookums. And remember. You're a strong, powerful woman who doesn't need a man to validate you."

She suggested that maybe what he wanted to do was go out to the car, get the tire iron, and fuck himself in the parking lot!!!
He's pretty sure they could have ten more kids and he'll never be invited into the delivery room again.
I'm not that sure he's going to have any more kids.
 

ZiprHead

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It's been months since I bought the book, "How to Scam People Online" and it still hasn't arrived.
 

Loren Pechtel

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My wife got done taking some meat off the bones and put the bones aside to go in soup. Was I right to say she's quacked?

(It was a soy sauce roast duck.)
 
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