Tucker Carlson Does The Math

[Keith&Co.]

FOX host and journalist television personality Tucker Carlson experienced a satori, a Buddhist term for 'a sudden enlightenment,' today.

He and his crew were meeting with a group of young, white professionals, trying to convince them of the dangers of 'The Great Replacement.' This theory holds that white Americans (called 'Heritage Americans' by theorists) are suffering from depressed birth rates, while hordes of immigrants flock to the US, in an intentional bid to make white people a minority 'in their own country.'

He and a few expert guests were trying to encourage the audience members to 'get on with it, and get it on,' marrying white and reproducing white children.

Several members of the audience complained that in the current economy, there's no benefit to having kids, and no way to feel confident you can give a child the life they would deserve.

Someone needs to watch the child at all times, they pointed out, but none of them had a job that paid enough for one parent to be stay-at-home, and still afford to HAVE that home. They only choice, then, was child care, which took away most of the benefits of a second salary. Adding the cost of gas, car payments, insurance, and the second worker was making them poorer for having a job.

Carlson suddenly stopped moving on the stage, frozen in a pose of expectant waiting. His expression was that one of his, like he's trying to remember if the red ON AIR light on the camera means DO or DO NOT talk.

But he was actually looking at a guest. "What if the city, your city, had mass transit?" he asked the man.

"They do, from six AM to 9 PM. But i work the mid shift, so i either go in four hours early-"

"No, no. Decent transit. Twenty-four-hour shit. With a scedule so regular you never even have to check, you just know a bus is coming. That help?"

"Yeah, i guess. But what-"

But Tucker had already turned to a young woman. "And, what, what if the government helped YOU out on child care?"

"I'm a lesbian, you should ask the guy who said 'childcare' out loud."

He followed her pointing finger and turned to the man next to her. "Child care. Regulated, or subsidized, or discount coupons printed up by the US mint, whatever that takes. Help?"

"Yeah, long as it doesn't make-"

"And all of you! Would you marry, and have white babies, if minimum wage kept up with inflation? If you could afford to own a home, a car, and still save for their college? OH!" he shouted, adopting his too-shrewd-for-critics expression (see 'red light' question, but happy), "What if COLLEGE was FREE?"

"I already graduated!" someone complained.

"It's not about you," Carlson snapped, "this is about whether or not we have taco trucks on every street corner." He began pacing, mapping out the infrastructure improvements as he thought up the need.

Uncomfortable racist guests muttered about Marxism, socialism, or Cross Dressing Story Time, as appropriate to the theme they were invited to push, and slipped off the stage.

Formality and order broke down and young Amrricans swarmed the stage. They hung on Tucker's every word, offering suggested improvements, and asking a lot of questions about the taco trucks. Really. Man, they would just not shut the fuck up about the taco trucks.

Must not have gotten their avocado toast that day.

 

[OLDMAN]

I get the feeling both sides are using the "browning of America" as a dog whistle. Does it have to be a good thing or a bad thing? Can't it just be a thing?

 

[Keith&Co.]

I get the feeling both sides are using the "browning of America" as a dog whistle. Does it have to be a good thing or a bad thing? Can't it just be a thing?

Oh. Serious.

Okay.

Well, to answer your question, no.

I mean, it is 'a thing.' It's happening spontaneously, for a number of reasons, without any coordination as the AltRight accuses. But it's also fucking hilarious. So that's good.

The WhiteRight is watching their relevance slip as companies aim for the increased buying power of other demographics, changing their advertising, product names, mascots, and so on. And leaving states that cater to racist policies.

And while the WhiteRight knows to SAY there's no racism in the system, they are terrified that when they are officially A Minority, the system will shift to treat them the way it has treated minorities for their entire lives.

And the funniest part is, the biggest reasons young Americans are not having lots of kids these days is because of policies the Right has championed: high costs of things other countries socialize, and the abysmal minimum wage being right up there at the top.

But God Forbid anyone acknowledge this fact (as it would lead to identifying responsibility) or even quietly making changes in the hopes of fixing other problems. Rather, they just get more and more strident with their racist assumptions and racist language and fears. Big fears. And finger-pointing.

Which is so funny my schadenfreude muscle is starting to cramp.

 

[hurtinbuckaroo]

“His expression was that one of his, like he's trying to remember if the red ON AIR light on the camera means DO or DO NOT talk.”

That’s his “dog trying to understand card trick” look

 

[Elixir]

“His expression was that one of his, like he's trying to remember if the red ON AIR light on the camera means DO or DO NOT talk.”

That’s his “dog trying to understand card trick” look

It's called connecting with your audience.
"Do you feel stupid and confused all the time? Cheer up - I AM stupid and confused all the time!"

 

[Keith&Co.]

“His expression was that one of his, like he's trying to remember if the red ON AIR light on the camera means DO or DO NOT talk.”

That’s his “dog trying to understand card trick” look

It's called connecting with your audience.
"Do you feel stupid and confused all the time? Cheer up - I AM stupid and confused all the time!"

Might be a legal thing. They DID insist in court that no one smarter than a Hasbro See-And-Say would believe anything Tucker puts out on his show. Maybe he's setting up an additional layer of defense, that HE'S not responsible for his own output.
"I just read the lines on the prompter thing, your honor. Far as i knew, there was this comedy-bot writing my copy. See, here you can see i'm dumbfounded for a moment by what the script told me to say. It was just my job to say it."

 

[Loren Pechtel]

Fake.

If it had really happened his head would have exploded all over the stage.

 

[Patooka]

If this happened, Tucker would have told all the people in the audience to go fuck themselves and then try to destroy the footage.

Also, the premise that Tucker understands the concept of mass transit is pretty far-fetched. I don't think his understanding goes any further than, "that thing Consuela keeps talking about whilst she's cleaning up my house".