A lot of society tries to pressure people into thinking you OWE your parents a space in your life, even if they are toxic.
I hate that so many people are harangued with, “oh you have to forgive,” and “she’s your mother,” and “you have to answer your father’s call.” It’s wrong. If someone is toxic, and damaging and harms you, you DO NOT owe them space in your life to retraumatize you again and again. There’s no amount of “I changed your diapers” that entitles someone to constantly manipulate you and inject divisiveness into your space.
What are your thoughts on this idea that parents are entitled to some sort of space in their children’s lives, even if it creates strife, stress or harm?
This anecdote is what made me think of this today. I also have some friends who are like the children in this story - they had to cut parents out of their lives to protect themselves and their own children from emotional trauma. I think they should have no apologies for doing so; it’s sad enough to not have a normal parent, society shouldn’t add “and you have to interact with them or you’re the monster.”
I hate that so many people are harangued with, “oh you have to forgive,” and “she’s your mother,” and “you have to answer your father’s call.” It’s wrong. If someone is toxic, and damaging and harms you, you DO NOT owe them space in your life to retraumatize you again and again. There’s no amount of “I changed your diapers” that entitles someone to constantly manipulate you and inject divisiveness into your space.
What are your thoughts on this idea that parents are entitled to some sort of space in their children’s lives, even if it creates strife, stress or harm?
This anecdote is what made me think of this today. I also have some friends who are like the children in this story - they had to cut parents out of their lives to protect themselves and their own children from emotional trauma. I think they should have no apologies for doing so; it’s sad enough to not have a normal parent, society shouldn’t add “and you have to interact with them or you’re the monster.”
There’s a woman on my social media friends whose posts make me feel sad for her. She’s a fellow parent of our kids’ elementary school from a more than a decade back. I feel sad for her because at some point in the last 10 years, and moreso during the Trump years, she went vocally political. Mostly on the topic of abortion (it’s murder and anyone who supports choice is a murderer-for-fun) but occasionally on some other political issues.
My guess is that in person she was even worse about it. Because now her posts are just pictures from the past, 15+ years ago and memories of her children. None of whom will speak to her. She revealed this briefly in two or three posts as a lament, something like, “And now my kids think I’m too extreme, see what liberal media has done to them.” One of her kids, I learned from someone else, is or has been institutionalized because of reportedly being traumatized (like, actually debilitatingly traumatized) by actions that mom claims are fabricated. I have no idea of the truth of that, so I call it “reportedly.” (I’m not doubting the truth of the child’s claims, I’m just not sure those claims were actually made. You can’t say “I believe her,” if she never actually said it.)
But what makes me sad for her is that whatever she did, or whatever happened, all she has left to post are 15 year old pictures of “better days” and news clippings of what the kids are doing now that she is not invited to (like one is in college softball). I feel sad for the kids having to walk away from their mother. I feel so very sad for the youngest if she really is traumatized. And even though I can see her being the driver of this rift, I feel bad for her for what she ended up being.
And of course, there’s no reply you can make to posts like that. “Yeah, your life really was normal 15 years ago. Sucks that memories are all you have now.” It’s a cautionary tale, for sure.