I think that late adolescence/early legal adulthood is the hardest time of being a parent. Harder than 15 months of colic. At some point, I think most parents feel like failures. It is so achingly painful to see your kid struggle.
What, specifically, makes it harder in your opinion? Is it something that varies from kid to kid, or is it a general.. they're all a bit rebellious kind of thing? I do have a bit of apprehension about my boys and the teen years, because we live in a part of the city where peer influences might not always be positive.
On the other hand, I feel like I've got a solid grasp of the social / mental development side of parenting, so none of the social stuff stresses me out much. At the moment my only problem is that I'm
on all day long. I figured once that ends, things will be easier.
It varies from kid to kid. I’m extremely fortunate: None of my kids really really rebelled by engaging in a lot of dangerous behavior. I was fairly certain that there was some degree of alcohol/pot consumption but nothing dramatic or really concerning. Later, as adults they have told me what I already pretty much knew about their youthful transgressions. The only thing I didn’t know or strongly suspect was that my daughter used to sneak out at night to go to parties I wouldn’t have let her go to. That still scares me. She could have really been hurt.
Really, it’s about the necessary/normal shift of power and control over your kids’ time and behavior. They must—truly they must establish themselves as separate adults who make their own decisions, some of which will be risky, dangerous, ill advised and foolish. And mine were not the least bit shy about telling us.
With toddlers you worry about if they are hitting their developmental milestones, if they put something terrible in their mouths, if this ear infection is the one that will prompt a recommendation for ear tubes. If they are being bullied at preschool or if they are the bullies. If you’re doing a good job. Especially when they stamp their foot and tell you NO even when you didn’t actually ask them to do something. They have meltdowns when you need them to put on their coats or shoes or pjs.
Teenagers have meltdowns too, with the equivalent of you asking about school assignments, cleaning their room, how their day at school went, how their friend with a rough home situation is doing, if they have thought about a summer job, where they want to go to college or if they’ve taken out the trash. Or if parents will be home at the party they want to attend. They really will not let you pull them into a hug when they’ve had a really bad day no matter how much they need one. I highly recommend a nice shaggy dog for these moments. Dogs know and they keep every secret.
I think that there are many similarities between ages 2-4 and 11-18. Stakes are different. One of my kids wanted to put everything in his mouth as a toddler, even old chewing gum at the bus stop. Easy enough to prevent if you are hyper vigilant. Not so easy to prevent the same kid from putting a cigarette ( any kind) or pills or booze in their mouths when they are at a party or hanging with some friends, I might not care for the bully-curious friend in kindergarten but play dates are supervised. This is not true when the kids are 15. A game of you show me yours and I’ll show you mine is a lot different at 2-5 than it is after age 11.
Stakes are different because kids need to take risks even if it’s just considering whether to do that risky thing. And they need to make decisions for themselves. Which means sometimes they are going to make bad decisions-maybe scary decisions. They are getting ready to go out into the world on their own and that’s terrifying —and exciting—for them and parent.
You become used to being able to tell your child to wash their hands, set the table, make their beds, pick up their toys. And then they tower over you, need a shower ( or shave!!), just ate half a loaf of bread, outgrew every pair of pants you bought them 3 months ago and really don’t notice the laundry all over their bedroom floors. Or care. And still want dinner. But if you’ve spent the afternoon making their very favorite: they want dinner at their friend’s house. You will be lame for days, weeks, months—and then they will keep you up all night talking about….everything/anything/nothing at all. There will not be as much sleep as you hope for because of this or because they never make it home until curfew or because you are worrying if they really went to this friend’s house and not that friend’s house.
I did my best to make our house one where there was always room for one more at the table, always healthy snacks, always a parent within earshot if needed.
I feel extremely fortunate that mine went through adolescence without the internet/social media, That is such a game changer.
