pood
Contributor
- Joined
- Oct 25, 2021
- Messages
- 6,777
- Basic Beliefs
- agnostic
The Onion, America’s Finest News Source, is seeking staff writer, so I thought I’d apply. 
They ask that you submit 25 Onion-style headlines, and two short “news” articles written from them. Today I wrote nearly 80 headlines, and am posting about 40 below. I haven’t written a story from any of them yet.
Feedback welcome, and please post your own Onion-style headlines, which, of course, I will not submit because they are not mine.
Musk merges X with Four Perpendicular Bars, Inc., to form Swastika Corporation
Suicide hotline operator urges area man to go ahead and do it, already, for Chrissakes, so I don’t have to listen to your pity party anymore
Vance tries to teach Trump alphabet using multiplication tables
Trump annexes Canada and Greenland by drawing Sharpie around them on map
In retirement, Biden takes up artisanal drooling as hobby
God has heaven fumigated for bedbugs after Musk visit
Bezos launches his erect penis into suborbital spaceflight
In rare appearance, Virgin Mary admits she always sort of slut.
Tigers Woods uses long penis for short putt
Oil and water divorce, cite irreconcilable differences
Pope resting comfortably after overnight spasms of atheism
Drunken author mixes slew of lurid metaphors in sea of purple prose
Area philosopher knows it possible in practice, but wants to know if it possible in principle
Republicans in Congress repeal law of gravity so they can float in clouds and have clandestine sex with underage same-sex pages
Jesus postpones Second Coming for 2,000th straight year, saying he lost will to relive.
Topless body found in headless bar
Philosophers squabble over meaning of haystack found in needle
Curiosity kills cat for ninth and final time
Curiosity both kills and doesn’t kill Schroedinger’s cat
Fly finds human in dung soup
U.S. invasion force in Canada beaten back by savage, stick-wielding NHL enforcers and goons
Trump trades California to Russia for eastern Ukraine and two conquered nations to be named later
Obnoxious, smug, repulsive little MAGA shit elected Student Council president in landslide
Biden runs for dog catcher, nods off during debate with basset hound
Caring, empathetic Trump talks would-be suicide back from edge of safety
Social Security checks to be replaced by monthly condolence cards
Flotsam to square off with Jetsam for Word Boxing crown
Flora and Fauna get confused, each doing what other normally does
Trump demands that flaccid penises pull themselves by their own jockstraps
Area philosopher goes on rant about how you can, too, derive an “ought” from an “is”
Trump renames asteroid belt Giant Trump Rock-a-Whirl Wonder Wheel
Giraffe embarrassed by short neck
Giant saucer-shaped organism ringed by eighteen eyes, walking on ten stilt legs, and with parasitical fungi growing out of its back, looks around and wonders what became of its con-specifics
Onlookers stunned by S & M relationship wherein dominant human keeps submissive dog on leash
In hell, Hitler grumbles it unfair he did not have Fox News to watch his back.
Trump orders emergency airlift of menthol cigarettes to underserved black communities, citing dire shortage of lethal drug
RFK Jr. replaces vaccines with sensory deprivation chambers
Jesus returns at last, tries Coney Island hotdog from Nathan’s, and gives it big thumbs-up
Anti-aging guru Bryan Johnson castigates son Talmadge for midnight erectile failure
House Speaker Mike Johnson uses app to catch his son viewing porn online, asks House to approve his castration
Patrick Mahomes pump-fakes, then eats football because he hungry
Wayne Gretzky buys Canada, gives it to Trump
They ask that you submit 25 Onion-style headlines, and two short “news” articles written from them. Today I wrote nearly 80 headlines, and am posting about 40 below. I haven’t written a story from any of them yet.
Feedback welcome, and please post your own Onion-style headlines, which, of course, I will not submit because they are not mine.
Musk merges X with Four Perpendicular Bars, Inc., to form Swastika Corporation
Suicide hotline operator urges area man to go ahead and do it, already, for Chrissakes, so I don’t have to listen to your pity party anymore
Vance tries to teach Trump alphabet using multiplication tables
Trump annexes Canada and Greenland by drawing Sharpie around them on map
In retirement, Biden takes up artisanal drooling as hobby
God has heaven fumigated for bedbugs after Musk visit
Bezos launches his erect penis into suborbital spaceflight
In rare appearance, Virgin Mary admits she always sort of slut.
Tigers Woods uses long penis for short putt
Oil and water divorce, cite irreconcilable differences
Pope resting comfortably after overnight spasms of atheism
Drunken author mixes slew of lurid metaphors in sea of purple prose
Area philosopher knows it possible in practice, but wants to know if it possible in principle
Republicans in Congress repeal law of gravity so they can float in clouds and have clandestine sex with underage same-sex pages
Jesus postpones Second Coming for 2,000th straight year, saying he lost will to relive.
Topless body found in headless bar
Philosophers squabble over meaning of haystack found in needle
Curiosity kills cat for ninth and final time
Curiosity both kills and doesn’t kill Schroedinger’s cat
Fly finds human in dung soup
U.S. invasion force in Canada beaten back by savage, stick-wielding NHL enforcers and goons
Trump trades California to Russia for eastern Ukraine and two conquered nations to be named later
Obnoxious, smug, repulsive little MAGA shit elected Student Council president in landslide
Biden runs for dog catcher, nods off during debate with basset hound
Caring, empathetic Trump talks would-be suicide back from edge of safety
Social Security checks to be replaced by monthly condolence cards
Flotsam to square off with Jetsam for Word Boxing crown
Flora and Fauna get confused, each doing what other normally does
Trump demands that flaccid penises pull themselves by their own jockstraps
Area philosopher goes on rant about how you can, too, derive an “ought” from an “is”
Trump renames asteroid belt Giant Trump Rock-a-Whirl Wonder Wheel
Giraffe embarrassed by short neck
Giant saucer-shaped organism ringed by eighteen eyes, walking on ten stilt legs, and with parasitical fungi growing out of its back, looks around and wonders what became of its con-specifics
Onlookers stunned by S & M relationship wherein dominant human keeps submissive dog on leash
In hell, Hitler grumbles it unfair he did not have Fox News to watch his back.
Trump orders emergency airlift of menthol cigarettes to underserved black communities, citing dire shortage of lethal drug
RFK Jr. replaces vaccines with sensory deprivation chambers
Jesus returns at last, tries Coney Island hotdog from Nathan’s, and gives it big thumbs-up
Anti-aging guru Bryan Johnson castigates son Talmadge for midnight erectile failure
House Speaker Mike Johnson uses app to catch his son viewing porn online, asks House to approve his castration
Patrick Mahomes pump-fakes, then eats football because he hungry
Wayne Gretzky buys Canada, gives it to Trump