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Dungeons and Deuteronomy

DM: Okay, everyone roll 3D6 against your intelligence to fight curiosity. Roll less than your intelligence.

Lot: I got a 9, I'm good.
Lot's daughter: 12. Barely.
Lot's other daughter: Ha! 4!
Lot's wife: Ew, 19.
DM: So, you faint from-
LD: Wait, how'd you get 19 on three six-sided?
LW: I just counted...
LOD: That's not your 6. You counted your dice and one of Dad's.
LW: Oh! So, I really got-
DM: You got a 19. If you're dumb enough to count four dice, your character is dumb enough to stare. Lot?
L: What?
DM: You said there wasn't time to pack spices, but your wife took care of that.
 
DM: Okay, is there anything else you want to do?
God: Nope, I'm good.
DM: Are you sure?
God: Yeah, I'm sure.
DM: Absolutely certain?
God: Yes, ME dammit-
(Other players laugh)
God: -I am absolutely sure! I looked everywhere. It's good!
DM: Okay. Serpent?
Serpent: So, I wait until Eve's all alone and make a persuasion-
God: Wait, I put an angel at the tree-
DM: Not your turn. You saw that it was good, remember?
 
DM: okay, the crowd of rapists follows you, bangs on your door, demands that you let them fuck your guests.
Lot: I talk to the crowd.
DM: What about?
Lot: I remind them of the law of hospitality, how these are guests in my home, so that makes them guests of the city, meaning each man here is, in some way, their host. Raping them would be illegal AND anger God.
Angel1: Good one.
DM: Okay, roll for persuasion.
Lot: Okay, i got....a 1.
Angel2: That's a fumble.
Lot's Wife: Oh, this is gonna huuuuuurt.
Angel2: Are there any weapons i can grab?
Angel1: I prepare Greater Blindness.
Angel2: Swords over the fireplace? Heavy furniture?
DM: Fumble? Okay, you see the crowd, with their torches, lipstick, khol, and leather straps and you forget about the law. You make the WORST possible speech. (Looks at Lot's character sheet) You offer up your daughters to the rape gang.
Angel2: Is there a fat servant i can grab?
Lot's Other Daughter: Wait, BOTH of us? Even me?
Lot's Daughter: I push Daddy into the crowd and bar the door.
DM: You're not in the room, you don't know this is going on.
Lot's Wife: (shaking dice) Am _I_ in the room?
 
DM: Okay, so, you're on the way to Egypt, you stop in an inn.
God: Hey, Moses, you're representing me to Pharaoh, right?
Moses: Right.
G: So you're observant?
M: Totally.
G: You're circumcised?
M: Yep.
G: Your kid's circumcised?
M: Um....sure.
DM: It's not on his character sheet.
M: I meant to, but, I mean, to add it, but we definitely would have-
G: I don't think I can be properly represented by a false... (trails off as he looks at his list of spells) Flame strike looks goid. Hard on the neighborhood but effective. (Looks to DM) I cast-
Zipporah: Fuck that. (Stabs a pair of scissors into Moses' character sheet, under the Associated NPCs section.) There! He's cut!
(Everyone stares at the scissors, stuck thru the sheet, in the table and humming slightly as they still vibrate)
DM: (quickly) I think that counts.
God: (putting his dice down gently) Not gonna argue.
Moses: Quick thinking, dear.
Zipporah: Some bloody husband you are.
 
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