Keith&Co.
Contributor
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2006
- Messages
- 22,444
- Location
- Far Western Mass
- Gender
- Here.
- Basic Beliefs
- I'm here...
As much as I love Star Trek, I have long believed they made a big mistake in the Voyager series, or at least missed an opportunity. Were it to be done over again, or done in an alternate universe, I'd like to see the Emergency Medical Hologram be patterned after Basil Fawlty, John Cleese's character in Fawlty Towers.
I can see it now: JANEWAY enters Sickbay, followed by Kes and Neelix supporting a limping Torres and a grim Tuvok. Paris follows, with First Aid Pack.
JANEWAY: Computer, Activate EMH program.
EMH: (fades in) Yes, what is it NOW?
JANEWAY: Doctor, Torres and Tuvok were injured on an Away Mission.
EMH: I see, if I could have a tricorder, please?
Neelix eases Tuvok to an examination table, hands a tricorder to EMH. EMH looks at tricorder, then begins scanning Neelix's head.
JANEWAY: Doctor! Neelix wasn't hurt.
EMH: Yes, well, if you're in the Medical compartment, with a Medical emergency, and the Medical officer asks for a tricorder, one would assume he'd receive a Medical tricorder. (Neelix grimaces, and reaches for another tricorder from the central podium) As I have received one that is issued for Sciences, and optimized for scanning through dense rock-like material, I thought I'd try for indications as to where his brains had got to. (Takes medical tricorder from Neelix, with a terribly superior sneer)
JANEWAY: (low) Doctor.
EMH: Yes, well, lets have a look, shall we. (starts scanning Torres) Hmm.
PARIS: I already scanned them, Doc, B'elanna just has a few bruises.
EMH: (Gestures Paris Closer) Mr. Paris, I'm the Doctor, so let me explain. (pokes Paris in both eyes) Forgive him, he's from Earth. Now, you've strained a muscle, and nearly dislocated a shoulder, but nothing a nice, hot bath won't fix. Take two analgesics and return to me tomorrow. Oh, wait, you're Klingon. In that case, rip out two beating hearts on the way to your quarters and eat them there. (turns away as Torres snarls) Now, Mr. Vulcan, any pain? Oh, that's right, 'Pain is irrelevant' isn't it?
TUVOK: There is some discomfort, indicative of loss of function, about my torso.
EMH: Oh, I see! 'Loss of function' is the problem. Nothing so trivial as (scans Tuvok) My Word! LOOK at all those endorphins! That brain is working QUITE hard at dealing with the 'loss of function,' as you put it. Let's see about that, shall we? Does this hurt?
I can see it now: JANEWAY enters Sickbay, followed by Kes and Neelix supporting a limping Torres and a grim Tuvok. Paris follows, with First Aid Pack.
JANEWAY: Computer, Activate EMH program.
EMH: (fades in) Yes, what is it NOW?
JANEWAY: Doctor, Torres and Tuvok were injured on an Away Mission.
EMH: I see, if I could have a tricorder, please?
Neelix eases Tuvok to an examination table, hands a tricorder to EMH. EMH looks at tricorder, then begins scanning Neelix's head.
JANEWAY: Doctor! Neelix wasn't hurt.
EMH: Yes, well, if you're in the Medical compartment, with a Medical emergency, and the Medical officer asks for a tricorder, one would assume he'd receive a Medical tricorder. (Neelix grimaces, and reaches for another tricorder from the central podium) As I have received one that is issued for Sciences, and optimized for scanning through dense rock-like material, I thought I'd try for indications as to where his brains had got to. (Takes medical tricorder from Neelix, with a terribly superior sneer)
JANEWAY: (low) Doctor.
EMH: Yes, well, lets have a look, shall we. (starts scanning Torres) Hmm.
PARIS: I already scanned them, Doc, B'elanna just has a few bruises.
EMH: (Gestures Paris Closer) Mr. Paris, I'm the Doctor, so let me explain. (pokes Paris in both eyes) Forgive him, he's from Earth. Now, you've strained a muscle, and nearly dislocated a shoulder, but nothing a nice, hot bath won't fix. Take two analgesics and return to me tomorrow. Oh, wait, you're Klingon. In that case, rip out two beating hearts on the way to your quarters and eat them there. (turns away as Torres snarls) Now, Mr. Vulcan, any pain? Oh, that's right, 'Pain is irrelevant' isn't it?
TUVOK: There is some discomfort, indicative of loss of function, about my torso.
EMH: Oh, I see! 'Loss of function' is the problem. Nothing so trivial as (scans Tuvok) My Word! LOOK at all those endorphins! That brain is working QUITE hard at dealing with the 'loss of function,' as you put it. Let's see about that, shall we? Does this hurt?