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Florida Zoo's 'Feed Ex's To Predators' Debut Very Successful

Jimmy Higgins

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ORLANDO, FL -- Some relationships are terribly difficult to recover from after a bad breakup. The Orlando Zoo has devised a way to make it easier with their "Feed Ex's To Predators" program.

The program was based on a similar program at the San Antonio Zoo, where people could pay a small fee to have a rat or cockroach named after an Ex and then fed to a bird or reptile.

The caretakers crafted this plan with the minor modification, where people can fill out a few forms and for $25,000, their Ex can be apprehended, transported to the zoo, and fed to a large predator.

"The initial response was incredible," noted Cal Abrams, the head Zoologist at the Orlando Zoo. "We were actually getting near capacity for Ex's. We don't like to have them around for too long or you start to develop attachment towards them."

The zoo indicated that the program follows a strict ethics code. People filling out the forms need to provided substantial evidence that the person they want fed to a predator was an Ex, and that the relationship lasted at least one year. Additionally, the Ex's are never fed to predators during publicly open hours. The Ex's are "mildly sedated" to lessen discomfort, but conscious enough to move about to attract the predators.

The program is also not without fairness. According to the Zoo, the Ex can agree to pay $25,000 to avoid being eaten, and for just an additional $12,500, they can have the originator of the claim be apprehended and eaten.

While the program has some critics, the Zoo assured the press that they were certain this was all perfectly legal, and based on the initial response, it is expected to raise at least $300,000 a year . The Zoo also noted that payments for the program included a complimentary one year membership to the zoo.
 
My wife doesn't need to see this.

She saw the original and looked into buying a rat. I'm not an ex, but she wants me 'to know what (she's) capable of.'

Pffft. Like after 32 years, it'd come as a surprise.
 
I heard about the program at San Antonio and this article virtually wrote itself.
 
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