Keith&Co.
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The Lord's voice comes from the tabernacle, and Moses and Aaron write frantically as the instructions continue:
Lord: These are the beasts of the earth that are for you to eat: First, any beast that has a cloven hoof and chews it's cud.
Moses: So, cows, deer, antelope, chamois, caribou, buffalo...
Aaron (helpfully): Reindeer, bison, camels-
Lord: NO! Not camels. They do not have split hooves. (Moses and Aaron glanced at each other, then bent their heads and wrote this.) Now what?
Aaron: Well, my Lord, um, camels have a distinct split in their feet...
Lord: Those are toes, not hooves. Two toes isn't the same as a cloven hoof.
Moses (interrupting a comment by Aaron): Important distinction, Lord, shall we go on?
Lord: Yea, verily. Okay, don't eat rabbits because they eat shit.
Moses: Um, Lord? Do you really want to put that in the scroll?
Lord: Wait until you read 2 Kings 18:27.
Moses: What?
Lord: Um, never mind. Anyway, we don't want people to eat rabbits, they're unclean.
Moses: Well, that will make sure, but do we really want 'poo' in the dietary laws? It's off-putting.
Lord: Sigh....okay, how's this? They don't have cloven feet, but they do chew cud, so they're unclean. (Moses and Aaron make eye contact again.) What? It isn't a lie...really. Look, cud is grass that wasn't digested the first time through. Cows bring it back up from the stomach, chew it more finely, and pass it thru again. Rabbits don't have as many stomachs. I thought about it, but they're really small. So, they pass the cuds through first, then eat the turds that have lots of grass, and pass it through again. So, when they eat the turd, it's bringing the cud back up, just like the cow does, but more gross.
Moses: Um, okay. Whatever you say, Lord.
Lord: These are the beasts of the earth that are for you to eat: First, any beast that has a cloven hoof and chews it's cud.
Moses: So, cows, deer, antelope, chamois, caribou, buffalo...
Aaron (helpfully): Reindeer, bison, camels-
Lord: NO! Not camels. They do not have split hooves. (Moses and Aaron glanced at each other, then bent their heads and wrote this.) Now what?
Aaron: Well, my Lord, um, camels have a distinct split in their feet...
Lord: Those are toes, not hooves. Two toes isn't the same as a cloven hoof.
Moses (interrupting a comment by Aaron): Important distinction, Lord, shall we go on?
Lord: Yea, verily. Okay, don't eat rabbits because they eat shit.
Moses: Um, Lord? Do you really want to put that in the scroll?
Lord: Wait until you read 2 Kings 18:27.
Moses: What?
Lord: Um, never mind. Anyway, we don't want people to eat rabbits, they're unclean.
Moses: Well, that will make sure, but do we really want 'poo' in the dietary laws? It's off-putting.
Lord: Sigh....okay, how's this? They don't have cloven feet, but they do chew cud, so they're unclean. (Moses and Aaron make eye contact again.) What? It isn't a lie...really. Look, cud is grass that wasn't digested the first time through. Cows bring it back up from the stomach, chew it more finely, and pass it thru again. Rabbits don't have as many stomachs. I thought about it, but they're really small. So, they pass the cuds through first, then eat the turds that have lots of grass, and pass it through again. So, when they eat the turd, it's bringing the cud back up, just like the cow does, but more gross.
Moses: Um, okay. Whatever you say, Lord.