ideologyhunter
Contributor
(The House chamber. Midnight. One solitary light shines on the rostrum. Jim Jordan sits atop it, swinging his legs rhythmically as he speaks to an imaginary quorum.)
Jordan: Okay, whatever you want, I can make it happen. We'll finish building the wall and, get this, we'll put murder hornet nests every ten feet. We'll put a special LGBTQ wing on Gitmo. We'll have gallons of Trump sperm in freezers at the Heritage Foundation so that America will always be great again. We'll raise Medicare eligibility to 95. People, what do you want? I can get it for you. Who is telling you not to vote for me? I AM AMERICA!!
(Loud, ironic clapping from the darkness behind Jordan.)
Jordan: Who's there?
(Matt Gaetz steps out of the shadows, smirking. He continues clapping until he assumes a seated position a few feet from Jordan, on the edge of the rostrum.)
Gaetz: Brilliant speech, Jimbo.
Jordan: I think it'll get me the votes I need.
Gaetz (coyly): Rrreally?
Jordan: Say, wait a minute. You're the one telling them not to vote for me? (with conviction) It was you!
Gaetz: It's the party, Jim. That's not me.
Jordan: Don't tell me you're innocent. Because it insults my intelligence, and it makes me very angry. So...is this about the wrestlers at OSU?
Gaetz: Could be.
Jordan: 'Cause I've heard about your live-in Cuban twink, Matt. Little Nestor.
Gaetz (stung): He's like a son to me!
Jordan: I'll bet.
(Rustling sound from the highest gallery. A tentative Quack-Quack.)
Jordan: What the fuck was that?
Gaetz: It's Marjorie. She sleeps up there. Just ignore her. You and I, we need to talk. And we need to make deals, now. In five years, the party will be completely legitimate. I need to get something in the bank before then.
Jordan: Okay. I'm with you. (gets windy) Kevin taught me many things here -- he taught me in this chamber. He taught me: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
Gaetz: Keep talking.
Jordan: I can get you full immunity on the erversion-pay. I can get you a permanent gig on Breitbart News, whenever you want it. I can get you more vacations and yachts and private jets than Clarence Thomas can dream of. (Voice lowers) And some day, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Like later today, with the 20 votes.
Marjorie (unseen): Quack-Quack!!
Jordan: Can you shut her up? Jesus!
Gaetz: No can do. She bites. Now, your list was pretty good, but I want a consultancy, at some think tank, doesn't matter which, that pays at least two miilion. And I want something from the Saudis. I'm not greedy, I don't need a Jared payoff, but I need some sweets.
Jordan: Done. And I get those twenty votes?
Gaetz: Of course. You could have them any time, for the asking.
Jordan: (looks a long moment into Gaetz's bland eyes, then reaches over and grips Gaetz's head in both hands) I knew it was you, Matt-o. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!! (kisses him passionately and holds the kiss for a long moment.)
Jordan and Gaetz: Something moved.
Marjorie (unseen): Quack-Quack. Quack! Quack!! Quack-Quack-Quack!
(The curtain falls.)
Jordan: Okay, whatever you want, I can make it happen. We'll finish building the wall and, get this, we'll put murder hornet nests every ten feet. We'll put a special LGBTQ wing on Gitmo. We'll have gallons of Trump sperm in freezers at the Heritage Foundation so that America will always be great again. We'll raise Medicare eligibility to 95. People, what do you want? I can get it for you. Who is telling you not to vote for me? I AM AMERICA!!
(Loud, ironic clapping from the darkness behind Jordan.)
Jordan: Who's there?
(Matt Gaetz steps out of the shadows, smirking. He continues clapping until he assumes a seated position a few feet from Jordan, on the edge of the rostrum.)
Gaetz: Brilliant speech, Jimbo.
Jordan: I think it'll get me the votes I need.
Gaetz (coyly): Rrreally?
Jordan: Say, wait a minute. You're the one telling them not to vote for me? (with conviction) It was you!
Gaetz: It's the party, Jim. That's not me.
Jordan: Don't tell me you're innocent. Because it insults my intelligence, and it makes me very angry. So...is this about the wrestlers at OSU?
Gaetz: Could be.
Jordan: 'Cause I've heard about your live-in Cuban twink, Matt. Little Nestor.
Gaetz (stung): He's like a son to me!
Jordan: I'll bet.
(Rustling sound from the highest gallery. A tentative Quack-Quack.)
Jordan: What the fuck was that?
Gaetz: It's Marjorie. She sleeps up there. Just ignore her. You and I, we need to talk. And we need to make deals, now. In five years, the party will be completely legitimate. I need to get something in the bank before then.
Jordan: Okay. I'm with you. (gets windy) Kevin taught me many things here -- he taught me in this chamber. He taught me: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
Gaetz: Keep talking.
Jordan: I can get you full immunity on the erversion-pay. I can get you a permanent gig on Breitbart News, whenever you want it. I can get you more vacations and yachts and private jets than Clarence Thomas can dream of. (Voice lowers) And some day, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Like later today, with the 20 votes.
Marjorie (unseen): Quack-Quack!!
Jordan: Can you shut her up? Jesus!
Gaetz: No can do. She bites. Now, your list was pretty good, but I want a consultancy, at some think tank, doesn't matter which, that pays at least two miilion. And I want something from the Saudis. I'm not greedy, I don't need a Jared payoff, but I need some sweets.
Jordan: Done. And I get those twenty votes?
Gaetz: Of course. You could have them any time, for the asking.
Jordan: (looks a long moment into Gaetz's bland eyes, then reaches over and grips Gaetz's head in both hands) I knew it was you, Matt-o. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!! (kisses him passionately and holds the kiss for a long moment.)
Jordan and Gaetz: Something moved.
Marjorie (unseen): Quack-Quack. Quack! Quack!! Quack-Quack-Quack!
(The curtain falls.)