Resurrection - The Exodus of the New Testament

[Jimmy Higgins]

So I was pondering a bit ago about the Resurrection. I remember a long while ago listening to Christian radio and it had a broadcast of a sermon going on about why the resurrection matters, as if the entire faith could exist without it. The entire Christian faith hinges on the resurrection, but ultimately, as I ponder about how important it is, I do get an Exodus sort of feeling.

God: Moses, I've come to free your people.
Moses: The Egyptians? Aren't they already free.
God: No Moses, the Jews.
Moses: The who?
God: Bleh... the Hebrews I mean.
Moses: I'm an Egyptian.
God: No... you are a Hebrew.
Moses: Okay... I'm not about to argue with a burning bush about where I was raised.
God: Regardless, I have seen the suffering of my people and I have come down...
Moses: Wait a second! Your people?
God: Yes, the Hebrews.
Moses: You just noticed the suffering? They've been in captivity for centuries.
God: Yeah, 100 years for you people is a second to me.
Moses: OOOOOOOOOOkay.
God: Regardless, I am going to set my people free...
Moses: ...and give them Egypt and have the Egyptians for slaves!
*pause*
God: No. We'll head away from here to where the land flows with milk and honey.
Moses: No shit... there is a place like that?
God: It is metaphorical.
Moses: For what?
God: Thorns and thistles.
Moses: Yipes! Is this really going to be an improvement.
God: Not if I have my way.
...

And the story continues. Ultimately, Exodus is the biggest bullshit con by a god ever. Instead of providing the Hebrews with the greatest of gifts, the Egyptian kingdom, they head out and wander about for a generation and get back north eventually. God makes with a grandiose display over the Pharaoh, but in the end, instead of getting the big payoff... they get a small slice up north.

And we wander forward in the book to the Resurrection. The event that seemingly is the most important moment in the history of mankind, but kind of like the movie Avengers End Game, the more you think about it, the more there are issues.

Primarily is the importance of the Resurrection itself.

Angel: Why do you seek the dead among the living.
Burial Guy (NY accent): Well, you know the guy was pretty fucking dead on Friday. You know what, I'm gonna call Matthew and get this straightened out.
*dials Matthew*
Hey, Matthew, yeah, I'm at the tomb. Yeah, the boulder may or may not be here and/or have or have not been moved.
I know, kinda vague... regardless, I'm out here ready to make with the burial preparations, but instead I'm dealing with this wise ass angel who is playing word games.
No, I have no idea what he is talking about. He says Jesus resurr-whated... what's that?
He's resurrected.
I have no idea what that means either!

Hey, angel, what does this resurrected mean?
Angel: It means he has come back to life.
Burial Guy: So he is alive now.
Angel: In a manner of saying.
Burial Guy: This is great! Where can I see him?
Angel: Well, he ah...
Burial Guy: Oh, I know, he is probably visiting Pilate and waving his fanny at him. That's what I'd do.
Burial Guy: Or maybe he is appearing to the leader of Rome, because that would be an incredible miracle and the entire Roman empire would convert and follow him.
Burial Guy: So when does he get back here?
Angel: Well, he'll appear to a few people, but that'll be it.
Burial Guy: What?! He erects himsel...
Angel: Resurrects.
Burial Guy: Yeah, whatever, he resurrects himself... appears to a few people and that's fucking it?!
Angel: Uh huh.
Burial Guy: What the fuck is the point of that?!
Angel: I really got to go... *poof*
Burial Guy: Wasting my damn weekend on this stupid cult! Screw it, I'm going to follow Cthulu!

So once again, we are left wondering, why the Resurrection was one of the most anti-climatic "miracles" of all time?

 

[Keith&Co.]

Well, don't forget how the saints in the cemetery got up and wandered around downtown. In one gospel. Scaring the shit out of people who...somehow... would have connected it to the death and reanimation of the world's most famous lich. That would have been major PR for the event and the holiness of it.

True, it's not MAXIMIZING the potential to spread the convincing word. I'm thinking of when you wander through the toy aisle, and some motion-sensor drives a toy to beg you 'play with me.'
Imagine if the oldest body in any given cemetery on Earth rose up when Christ did, sitting there, and saying 'HE IS RISEN' every time someone walks by. Not a full resurrection like Lazarus, just a corpse that's stopped rotting, motionless except for the announcement.
And if the body is carried off, for study or something, the next oldest body rises to take its place...

This would kinda prove that something exists which has power over death, which is the whole point of the resurrection and the promise of life everlasting.
Or could even make it an Easter Event. The week-long observance of the Risen Announder at any cemetery, anywhere, no matter what tradition it's dedicated to.

 

[ideologyhunter]

The cool thing is that the Tomb Raiders story in the gospels isn't exactly written in Quadrophonic. The four accounts have more discrepancies than the 2 accounts of the Christs (that is, Joseph and Mary Christ) at the Bethlehem Motel 6. I mean, was the stone still in the doorway or not...who showed up...what did they see & who did they meet. One account (Matthew's) has an earthquake and a movie-style angel in glaring white making an appearance. Sounds sorta like a myth to me.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

The cool thing is that the Tomb Raiders story in the gospels isn't exactly written in Quadrophonic. The four accounts have more discrepancies than the 2 accounts of the Christs (that is, Joseph and Mary Christ) at the Bethlehem Motel 6. I mean, was the stone still in the doorway or not...who showed up...what did they see & who did they meet. One account (Matthew's) has an earthquake and a movie-style angel in glaring white making an appearance. Sounds sorta like a myth to me.

Well, that is the basis of my line "Yeah, the boulder may or may not be here and/or have or have not been moved."

 

[steve_bank]

Without the Resurrection in the NT there is no point to Christianity, which was suffer your troubles you will have a heavenly reward.

I was wondering, is Jesus the head of the Heavenly Immigration Control Service?

 

[ideologyhunter]

No, he was fired by Trump.

 

[hurtinbuckaroo]

No, he was fired by Trump.

For letting in people from s***hole countries.