WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a surprising foreign policy change, U.S. officials have announced a new Middle Eastern strategy of attempting to deliberately destabilize the region in hopes that the plan will backfire, Duffel Blog has learned.
Secretary of State John Kerry described the new ‘Hail Mary’ plan at a State Department briefing earlier this morning.
“After careful analysis, we have concluded that the only thing our previous Middle Eastern policies have in common is failure,” Kerry said. “Therefore, we’ve decided that we’re going to attempt to destabilize the Middle East as much as possible in the hope that this plan will fail as well.”
Kerry then announced that the United States had formally recognized Palestine as an independent state, but was also in the process of shipping tanks and helicopter gunships to Israeli settlers. When asked why the arms were not being shipped to the Israeli Army, Kerry explained that it had been labeled a terrorist organization as part of the sweeping initiative.
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In response to questions regarding his level of confidence that the plan would inevitably fail, Kerry referred press to newly appointed Ambassador at Large Paul Bremer. Bremer apparently took the post after a joint appeal from George W. Bush and Barack Obama, who implored him that his country needed him to come out of retirement for one final mission. Bremer described himself as optimistic, and well prepared for the challenging work ahead.
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“This is the job I was born to do,” concluded Bremer.
