Jimmy Higgins
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WASHINGTON DC -- In a written statement, Chief Justice Roberts stated he was allowing for nursing and security staff to be present during the Impeachment Trial for fear of suicide attempts by Senators. "During the trial, we are likely to go more than a week or possibly a few weeks with limited access to communication and media devices which presents a potential increase of stress."
The statement indicated that "periodic breaks" would be introduced so that Senators in attendance would be able to step out and check their phones, post on Twitter / Facebook, or play Angry Birds or some Bejeweled derivative. "We understand the difficulties this will create for the Senators, but this moratorium is necessary due to the gravity of an impeachment trial," continued the statement. In addition to the breaks, counselling would be available for Senators during the trial if the moratorium became too difficult to bear along.
While emergency services weren't requested yesterday, it was reported that at least 6 senators appeared to be exhibiting signs of stress via hand or bodily shaking, excessive sweating, and/or dilated pupils. Former Arizona Senator Jeff Flake, who had stopped by to "Witness history", told reporters he was glad it wasn't him in there while pulling out his phone to peer at pictures on Instagram.
After the release of the statement, the Chief Justice joked over the sound of the sobbing of two senators who were turning their cell phones off while entering the Senate Chamber, "at least they aren't teenagers, we'd need trauma teams after 15 minutes."
EDITOR'S NOTE: The reference to Candy Crush Saga was removed after lawyers for the game's software presented a cease and desist order.
The statement indicated that "periodic breaks" would be introduced so that Senators in attendance would be able to step out and check their phones, post on Twitter / Facebook, or play Angry Birds or some Bejeweled derivative. "We understand the difficulties this will create for the Senators, but this moratorium is necessary due to the gravity of an impeachment trial," continued the statement. In addition to the breaks, counselling would be available for Senators during the trial if the moratorium became too difficult to bear along.
While emergency services weren't requested yesterday, it was reported that at least 6 senators appeared to be exhibiting signs of stress via hand or bodily shaking, excessive sweating, and/or dilated pupils. Former Arizona Senator Jeff Flake, who had stopped by to "Witness history", told reporters he was glad it wasn't him in there while pulling out his phone to peer at pictures on Instagram.
After the release of the statement, the Chief Justice joked over the sound of the sobbing of two senators who were turning their cell phones off while entering the Senate Chamber, "at least they aren't teenagers, we'd need trauma teams after 15 minutes."
EDITOR'S NOTE: The reference to Candy Crush Saga was removed after lawyers for the game's software presented a cease and desist order.