Jimmy Higgins
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- Jan 31, 2001
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Yes, it is that time of year again to save on furniture, cars, and general household items, it is Columbus Day. It is important to remember why we support Columbus and his accomplishment.
Columbus several hundreds of years ago, set forth on a trip to find a really short passage to Asia going to the west. It was what the NY Times at the time called the most 'incredibly ignorant proposal since God asked man not to eat of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil'. Yeouch!
Fittingly, seeing that the circumference of the Earth was determined with relatively close precision by the Greeks back before Jesus allegedly walked the Earth, the Portuguese, French, and English monarchies told Columbus to go sail off the flat Earth (they were being sarcastic). But this didn't stop Columbus, who sought to prove basic geometry wrong and find Asia easily going to the West. So after he begged his parents to fund the voyage, he went to Spain. Spain was intrigued by the ignorance of Columbus and thought he was joking. In jest they agreed to fund his voyage, and only about by the time he was billing a few boatloads of a fortune to stock his ships with supplies and Turkish delight, did they realize he had bamboozled them and was actually planning on sailing to his demise.
Quite content with his prideful ignorance, Columbus set sail and headed west. After probably a couple weeks, his manhood swelled with pride as he found out everyone else was wrong and he was right! He found Asia by sailing only 7000 kilometers, or roughly 10 million horse's heads (a common unit for distance at the time). Columbus immediately sent an email back to Spain and the Monarchy of Spain was thrilled! Columbus had proven basic geometry wrong, 'Fuck the Greeks and geometry!' was chanted across Spain.
But not after too long, Columbus started noticing things were a little odd in "Asia". For instance, all the vending machines didn't have a single pair of used panties. There was no raw fish being consumed. And most importantly, no one apparently had seen a European before. The people also seemed to drop dead at a much more random... and quicker pace than those he had heard about in Asia. After taking a long hike, he found a sign on a beach that read:
Columbus fell to his knees and crouched in a Chick character like position, had a good cry, and then headed back to the group of ships and sailed home. In his home of Italy... or whatever the heck it was called then... he moped around, penniless (there were no pennies as part of the local currency) and disgraced.
Meanwhile, the Spanish would plunder the riches of The New World and almost assuredly become the most prolonged wealthy and successful dynasties in Europe since Rome.
So we return back to Columbus and why he is revered by many to this day despite his clear ignorance, stupidity, and utter failure to accomplish what he sought to achieve. And it is this, he dared to tell the world that everyone else was wrong, and that he had a special knowledge that told him, his gut knew the truth. Much like evolution deniers, climate change deniers, Laffer curve supporters, he dared to step outside the box and say 'The experts are wrong, I'm not an expert in that field, but I know I am totally right, because in my heart, I know I am.' And every morning, these people wake up to a picture of Columbus on their wall, and they take a moment and take in the inspiration he offers to the pridefully ignorant.
You too can believe you know better than those that actually do.
Columbus several hundreds of years ago, set forth on a trip to find a really short passage to Asia going to the west. It was what the NY Times at the time called the most 'incredibly ignorant proposal since God asked man not to eat of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil'. Yeouch!
Fittingly, seeing that the circumference of the Earth was determined with relatively close precision by the Greeks back before Jesus allegedly walked the Earth, the Portuguese, French, and English monarchies told Columbus to go sail off the flat Earth (they were being sarcastic). But this didn't stop Columbus, who sought to prove basic geometry wrong and find Asia easily going to the West. So after he begged his parents to fund the voyage, he went to Spain. Spain was intrigued by the ignorance of Columbus and thought he was joking. In jest they agreed to fund his voyage, and only about by the time he was billing a few boatloads of a fortune to stock his ships with supplies and Turkish delight, did they realize he had bamboozled them and was actually planning on sailing to his demise.
Quite content with his prideful ignorance, Columbus set sail and headed west. After probably a couple weeks, his manhood swelled with pride as he found out everyone else was wrong and he was right! He found Asia by sailing only 7000 kilometers, or roughly 10 million horse's heads (a common unit for distance at the time). Columbus immediately sent an email back to Spain and the Monarchy of Spain was thrilled! Columbus had proven basic geometry wrong, 'Fuck the Greeks and geometry!' was chanted across Spain.
But not after too long, Columbus started noticing things were a little odd in "Asia". For instance, all the vending machines didn't have a single pair of used panties. There was no raw fish being consumed. And most importantly, no one apparently had seen a European before. The people also seemed to drop dead at a much more random... and quicker pace than those he had heard about in Asia. After taking a long hike, he found a sign on a beach that read:
Code:
"The New World - Est. ~Turn of Millennium-ish"Columbus fell to his knees and crouched in a Chick character like position, had a good cry, and then headed back to the group of ships and sailed home. In his home of Italy... or whatever the heck it was called then... he moped around, penniless (there were no pennies as part of the local currency) and disgraced.
Meanwhile, the Spanish would plunder the riches of The New World and almost assuredly become the most prolonged wealthy and successful dynasties in Europe since Rome.
So we return back to Columbus and why he is revered by many to this day despite his clear ignorance, stupidity, and utter failure to accomplish what he sought to achieve. And it is this, he dared to tell the world that everyone else was wrong, and that he had a special knowledge that told him, his gut knew the truth. Much like evolution deniers, climate change deniers, Laffer curve supporters, he dared to step outside the box and say 'The experts are wrong, I'm not an expert in that field, but I know I am totally right, because in my heart, I know I am.' And every morning, these people wake up to a picture of Columbus on their wall, and they take a moment and take in the inspiration he offers to the pridefully ignorant.
You too can believe you know better than those that actually do.
