Star Trek Top Ten lists...

[Keith&Co.]

Top Ten Things Klingons tell their children:

1. Yes. There is a monster under your bed. I put it there.
2. Quick! Run and get me the scissors! NOW!
3. It's YOUR birthday party, if you want the presents, you must defeat your own guests.
4. Eat your mo'chok. There are people starving in your brother's room.
5. Don't hit your sister like that! First, center your stance, as so...
6. Yes, there is a monster under your bed. If you ever wet the bed, it will eat you.
7. No, we're not getting a divorce. Mommy and Daddy were making you a little brother or sister.
8. Stop enabling the parental controls on the holoscreen!
9. Your teacher called to tell me you're not fighting with your classmates.
10. Yes, there is a monster under your bed. If you do not wear its skin to the first day of school, you will be dishonored for the entire year.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Top ten answering machine messages for the days Uhura just doesn’t give a rat’s

1. Hi. We’re not able to come to the console right now, so leave your name, star system, and orbit number after the tribble trill and we’ll get back to you. (Coo-oo-oo-oo)
   
2. Hi. Before we get to your incredibly important message, I just HAVE to tell you about my day! I took the watch on the bridge and sat there. And repeated things other people said. And repeated them. And sat there. And I got to beam down to the planet, but all I did was stand next to the plot device for most of the hour… So, what was it YOU wanted to talk about?
   
3. Attention! We are not your Enterprise, but have swapped places with the weak, ‘civilized’ member s of this pathetic universe. We are prioritizing our coming conquests, so if you wish a higher place on our ‘to do’ list, leave your targeting, I mean contact information after the death scream of my midshipman. (AIEEEEEE!)
   
4. Greetings. We just had some major character development among the bridge officers, but we can’t move on to your emergency until we wrap things up with a Shakespeare quote. We’re all reading our Cliff Notes , we’ll have to get back to you later.
   
5. Uuuuugh… We’re all too sick from last week’s space-madness outbreak. We’re all sane, but oh, GOD, the hangovers… Leave your contact information very quietly and we’ll see about maybe, tomorrow…?
   
6. Sorry, we’re all under compulsions from being possessed by the unshriven ghosts of a long-dead civilization trying to avenge their extinction event. Call back… Oh, Wednesday? Wednesday. Thursday, to be safe. Friday, for sure.
   
7. You have reached the Starship Enterprise. We’re in orbit around a pleasure planet, and the crew is down there… Pleasuring. And being pleasured. Except for Mr. Spock. He’s rotating through all the skeleton watchstations while we… pleasure… and will be around to Communications sooner or later.
   
8. Communication’s Log, Stardate...hang on, let me roll the dice. Stardate 11111. Oh! Yahtzee! Cool. "
   
9. We were somewhere around the Klingon Home World, on the edge of the disputed zone, when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like: I feel a bit lightheaded. Maybe you should answer the phone. Suddenly, there was a terrible beep coming from all around us, and the bridge was full of what looked like huge Cygnusian space-bats, all swooping and beeping and diving around the comm console, and a voice in the distance was screaming: Holy Gorn Shit! What are these damned animals? And then it was silent. And the Captain said: Uhura? Did you say something? And I said, No, sir. No point in mentioning the bats, I thought. Poor bastard will hear the beep soon enough. (after a lengthy silence….BEEEP!)
   
10. NO!!! Not the BORER WORMS!?!?!

 

[Keith&Co.]

Ten things that happened when Starfleet tried importing Harry Potter to Sigma Iotia to fight the effects of Chicago Mobs of the Twenties (published in 1992).

1. Twelve world-controlling mobs became twelve world-controlling wizard schools… All named Hogwarts. They eventually developed place-names. North Hogwarts, Lower East Side Hogwarts, Dyslexia WartHogs, Riverside Hogwarts, etc.
2. Former gangsters wearing pinstriped robes and fedoras, smoking cigars, running through the streets, Tommy-brooms between their legs, trying to catch a snitch.
3. Two million deaths before they quite grasped the nature of a ‘snitch’ in Quidditch use, vice gangland job descriptions.
4. The lack of a native Sigma Iotia life form to play the owls meant thousands of former telephone operators running messages, dressed in feathery cloaks and trying to turn their heads all the way around.
5. Sharp rise in neck and cranial injury trauma care as owls ran into each other while looking over their shoulders.
6. One of the perks of being a Boss, now called Headmaster, is to have imitators living in your wall, pretending to be your portrait.
7. Slight confusion about a particular candy in the book led to the near-extinction of the Iotian Frog.
8. Sharp rise in digestive tract trauma as the spines and claws of the Iotian Frog are not broken down by stomach acids.
9. The Iotian Sorting Hat is made of steel and applied with a baseball bat. On Sigma Iotia the Sorting Hat is used when snitches LEAVE their assigned house.
10. The Iotians have no tradition of butterscotch. Their ‘butter beer’ is pretty much carbonated margarine.

 

[Jayjay]

Due to activities by certain starship captains in recent years, Starfleet has seen necessary to amend its directives. Clearly, just one directive isn't enough.

1. The Prime Directive: Don't mess with pre-warp civilizations.
2. Should you breach the prime directive, try to minimize the influence by leaving the planet as soon as possible.
3. If you do not leave the planet as soon as possible, avoid romantic involvement with locals. Especially green skinned ones.
4. Or at least use protection.
5. If despite your best efforts you fail to obey the rules, absolutely do NOT use time travel to try to fix things. (AKA temporal prime directive)
6. So you went back in time, but it somehow made things worse. Cut your losses and leave it at that, do not go back to undo your changes.
7. You did it, didn't you? And now you live in a dystopian future or a parallel evil mirror dimension. Try to lay low and don't become a terrorist, please.
8. If you do join the rag-tag group of rebels against the evil empire without a second thought, don't give them any future technology capable of bringing down galactic empires. That is a bad idea.
9. If the rebels win, return to your own dimension and/or timeline without seeing the results of your meddling.
10. After an inevitable disaster following from your failure to follow basic instructions, create list of directives so that no other captain will ever repeat your mistakes.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Ten most popular Vulcan pickup lines

1. Hey, long time, no see, as the humans say. Seven years long, as it happens.
2. Good morning. I note that our youngest child just turned six… No, I am winking expressively, nothing is wrong with my vision.
3. Hi. You don’t know me, but our parents once shared a contract lawyer…
4. Hello. Come here once a decade? No, no, it's called 'winking.'
5. Did it hurt when you fell? Because I was impressed by your stoic refusal to acknowledge any pain.
6. Knock knock. It is a technique my human shipmate claims to be an irresistible introduction, though, of course, he assumes that the targeted individual will be familiar with the human custom of what is called, rather obviously, a ‘knock-knock joke.’ I do not know why they have not updated the ritual to incorporate the standard entry request chime. (Pause) It also appears that my other shipmate was correct when she indicated that a joke that must be explained is no joke. Shall we just screw?
7. Logic suggests that your dress, being both practical and fashionable, is made of a modern fabric which will not suffer from being crumpled upon the deckplate for the duration of a bout of love-making, thus it could be said to look good upon my floor.
8. What is your favorite color? That is my favorite, as well, and the number of options available from the visible spectrum would suggest that a coincidental overlap is highly unlikely. The only possible conclusion is that we would be fated for each other, were fate a concept that lent itself to logcal analysis. Ah! I see you are familiar with the practice of winking. But I believe only one eye is used...
9. I find your smile quite attractive, it demonstrates a long-held dedication to quality oral hygienic practices. I like a man with a ritualistic approach to oral hygiene.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Top Ten Signs you’re watching a Federation soap opera

1. All the diseases have a planet in their name. (No one catches the flu, or the Avian flu. Characters suffer from The Earth Flu, the Tellus Flu, the Vulcan Moon Flu, the Denoba Microgravity Flu…)
2. No one can have interpersonal drama without a speech, first, identifying how they thought that an enlightened society no longer got upset over the issue. (“Daddy, no one’s cared about bell bottoms since the Federation was founded!”)
3. The teenagers’ troubles all involve cultures outside of the Federation (No one finds an Andorian tattoo on their son, or Earth Weed in his sock drawer. Rather, he’s deep into Klingon manhood rituals, Romulan ale, Breen eyeball scarring, or Orion Slavegirl Porn)
4. Half the episode spent explaining why it takes the other half of the episode to resolve the medical, technical or social issue. (The Denoba Microgravity Flu can be cured by any standard home medkit, in about 2.3 seconds, UNLESS the character’s mother’s counselor’s cousin’s gardener surreptitiously contaminated the character or the medkit with illegally imported Ferengi pollen in an attempt to gain control of the family ‘s orbital viewing platform to better position xiself for the Mars elections…)
5. Any effort to summarize the plot elements currently in play includes a reference to a 20th century (Earth) custom, practice, or war as a metaphor or illustration…. And EVERYONE in the room grasps the reference instantly, even token Cardassian. (“Like a pair of totally bitchin leg warmers.” “Oooooh, got it.”)
6. Token Cardassians.
7. Apparently, every child, of every family, at every age, is already working on their application to Starfleet Academy. The only time any other institution of higher learning is mentioned is a sports reference. (“Have to go, gotta catch (son/daughter/xilet) in the Big Game against Moscow Tech!”)
8. Parents using universal translators while attempting to understand the math problem in the kids’ homework. (“What are they assigning these days, interdimensional temporal mechanics?” “Um, yeah, Dad, you digitized the permission slip a month ago....”)
9. No one can miss appearing in an episode without someone mentioning the planet they’re visiting. No one just sulks at home for a day or two when the weather turns fugly, nor do they visit specific cities, tourist destinations, famous organizations. (“Oh, we’ll mention that to Mielca when xi gets back from Endor.” Why is xi on Endor? No one knows…)
10. Every Starfleet Veteran was a lifer. No one got an education then found something to do that didn't involve space-madness, phaser fire, or threats-to-all-life-on-board.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Whoops.

Missed pickup line #10.

• My human roommate insists that I lack the skill to acquire a lover within an arbitrary time limit set forth for the purpose of a wager. I should like to offer you the opportunity to date me, if only to establish Vulcan superiority and to prove a human wrong.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

Top Most Likely Ways to Make O'Brien Tell Superior Officer to 'Fuck Off' Under His Breath

1) "Three to beam up." Uh huh... there are forty-two people in that fucking room. Which three you asshole!
2) "So how long to realign the deflector dish so it can violate the laws of physics"?
"About 8 hours."
"You have 2."
"Uh huh, why don't you try to realign the deflector dish so it transmit some shit into some quantum flux crap and not destroy the universe in two hours. Fuck you"
3) "Eject the warp core." Oh, I'd love to eject the warp core up your ass, but any time I was trying to fix the broken warp core ejector, you had me fixing the replicator so it'd make a better Raktajino.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Top Most Likely Ways to Make O'Brien Tell Superior Officer to 'Fuck Off' Under His Breath

1) "Three to beam up." Uh huh... there are forty-two people in that fucking room. Which three you asshole!
2) "So how long to realign the deflector dish so it can violate the laws of physics"?
"About 8 hours."
"You have 2."
"Uh huh, why don't you try to realign the deflector dish so it transmit some shit into some quantum flux crap and not destroy the universe in two hours. Fuck you"
3) "Eject the warp core." Oh, I'd love to eject the warp core up your ass, but any time I was trying to fix the broken warp core ejector, you had me fixing the replicator so it'd make a better Raktajino.

4) "Three to beam up!" Uh huh... There are three Enterprise officers aboard a ship crashing into a sun. I thought I'd take one at a time and ask him if the others were going to finish their drinks first.
5) "Reverse the polarity!" Oh, aye, thanks fer that, ya gobshite. And here's me, thinking me next step was unplugging it and blowing into the cartridge like great-grandmother's Atari.
6) "Set it to 120% power!" Maximum plus one fifth more than maximum, eh? Excellent math from the officer that dinged my after-action report that one time for not knowin' that 'polyhedra' is the plural form of 'polyhedron.'

 

[Keith&Co.]

Top Ten superpowers characters enjoy in their holosuite fantasies

1. Picard is Kirkman: Able to punch aliens in the throat without concern for interstellar diplomacy or personal dignity. Usually Commander Tomalak, though sometimes he bats hordes of Ferengi around like balls at a polo match…
2. Riker is Cochraneman: Extending his seductive powers to include sparkly female clouds.
3. Crusher is Amateratsugirl: Godlike ability to heal wounds and diseases instantly, without extended periods in sickbay… Pretty much her day job, but without needing Picard’s permission to do the obviously necessary thing because of silly interstellar diplomacy.
4. Wesley Crusher is Gr’up-man: Taken seriously as an adult, in technical and social situations, and occasionally complimented by his Picardcharacter.
5. Troi is Invisiblewoman: Walking through a ship populated by people who look her in the eye when talking to her, and find something else to look at when she walks away. No empathic feelings of desire, no sighs, no one walking into bulkheads when she takes a deep breath…
6. Guinan is Blowitoff-Woman: Able to not listen, which she’s really able to do, but in her fantasy she can TELL people ‘I’m not listening to your bullshit,’ then close the bar and sit staring at the window, enjoying the solitude.
7. Worf is Captain Poet: able to use subtlety to express finer emotions, doubts, self-esteem problems, and the occasional feelings of inadequacy… All sessions of which are followed by a brief exploration of Major Security Sweep, who has the power and passwords necessary to delete the stored recordings of holosuite fantasies.
8. LaForge is Rikerman: Able to talk with beautiful women… Just, talk. See how that works out… See what it’s like…
9. Data is Data: Except able to joke, josh and giggle.
10. Obrien is Admiral Obrien: Has the same job, but has the rank to tell officers to go jump in a warp core. And they have to…