A Church Wants to Know How Many Stars You’d Rate Jesus (Seriously)

[phands]

Annoyingly, the amateurs' website isn't up to the traffic spike from all us atheists.....

A church in Florida wants you to rate Jesus from one to five stars, and they’re giving you the option to leave comments. (You wouldn’t want to disappoint them by not participating, right?)
Relevant Church in Tampa presumably thinks this is a great publicity stunt. And why not? A decade ago, Pastor Paul Wirth launched a “30-day Sex Challenge” to get married couples to be more intimate… while single people in relationships were told to abstain entirely. They’ve gotten positive press before.
So if they’re going to get press this time around, they should at have to do some work and explain why Jesus only has a one star rating.

In today’s world, we make so many decisions based on ratings. Whether it’s a trendy new restaurant, or a gym that just opened up near you, chances are you want to know what others are saying about it. What if we could do that with Jesus? What would you rate Him and why? Go to RateJesus.com and give Him a rating, and let’s talk about it…

So leave your star. Tell them you liked the original better than the sequel. Say his origin story makes no sense. Mark him down for plagiarism. Explain how Jesus needs to clean up the mess He left behind. Then sit back and wait for the apologetic sermons attempting to tell you why you’re wrong.
(They do ask for a name and email address before you can submit your ranking. Because of course this is going on a list somewhere.)
Maybe after they’ve compiled some answers, the church can at least do us all a favor and recommend other prophets we may enjoy.

When you try, it gives an "out of memory" error. What a joke.

 

[bilby]

I was originally told by a representative that He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, but I have now been waiting over two thousand years, and despite repeated promised delivery dates, each has come and gone with no word from the company at all. This is unacceptable tardiness in these days of Just-in-Time deliveries from almost all other suppliers. - One star.

 

[ideologyhunter]

Bilby, you persuaded me to use eBay's feedback rubric -- it comes with 1 to 5 stars; no option for zero stars. So, in eBay terms, acquiring the Deluxe Combo Jesus Pak (TM), which is supposed to include a full Godhead with 3 components in the kit + consistent narrative + consistent moral standards + afterlife option:
Did this arrive on time: No, and from past customers' comments, it's almost 2000 years late -- 1 Star
How was your experience? A lot of glad-handing from your reps and totally contradictory instructions on accepting the package ---1 star
Tell us more: What is there to say? I am thinking of shopping with Judaism.org or even Moonies.net.
Rate: Item description -- Where to start, is it the Son of Man, is it God, if it's God why is it talking to itself and beseeching itself...1 star, can't make head nor tail of it
Rate: Shipping costs -- Excuse me, were they declared anywhere? One source said 10% of your yearly income. Another wanted a "soul", which is not a liquid asset. 1 star
Rate: Shipping time-- See above under did this arrive on time.
Rate: Seller communication: Very strange catalog, in 66 sections, with some overwrought poetry and narratives -- which I thought went out with J. Peterman. Also if I don't complete purchase, I can expect eternal torment??? Excuse me? Customer rep was not helpful with this; got snippy in fact, as though it was my fault. My fault. I thought this only happened with Sears warranty follow-up calls. 1 star, sorry.
Only I'm not sorry.

 

[Tom Sawyer]

According to the design specs, this product should include the feature "Whatsoever you ask for in my name, this I shall do".

I asked for a bagel, but did not receive one and was forced to go all the way down to the coffee shop on the ground floor of my building and buy my own bagel.

I would like to return this defective god, but did not see instructions on your site to ship it back to you.

One star rating for having a non-functional product and poor customer service.