Ann Coulter Found Dead At Residence

[Jimmy Higgins]

NEW YORK, NY -- Ann Coulter's body was found in her home yesterday afternoon. Residents near her residence called the police after screams were allegedly heard in the early afternoon hours. Coulter swas found in front of her television which was tuned to Channel 7, the local ABC network. The Police reported she was found clutching a vuvuzela in one hand and wearing an Arsenal jersey that was autographed by Thierry Henry. The autograph read "Thanks to our biggest fan, Ann Coulter, - Thierry Henry."

In a statement, The Police stated that foul play was not suspected. "There was no forced entry into her home and nothing appeared to be missing. The several posters of Messi, Zidane, Dempsey, Drogba, Beckham, Henry were undisturbed. So were the thirty or so football jersies from teams in the EPL, Serie A, Eredivisie, and La Liga that were in her closet."

Neighbors stated that there was screaming coming from her home starting at around Noon and subsided at approximately 12:45 PM, but started again at approximately 1:00 PM. The screaming stopped at about 2:40 PM.

"I didn't know what was happening there," noted one of her neighbors that called the police. "The last scream sounded like she was saying something like 'goal', but it was so drawn out."

The Police noted that there was no indications that drugs or alcohol was involved and results of the autopsy would be available in three weeks.

 

[Nice Squirrel]

The world will remember her most for her love of Association Football.

 

[Loren Pechtel]

Why are you channeling the Onion?

 

[Celldweller]

That wasn't very Xstian of you. Moral decayer.

 

[SimpleDon]

Please, don't even joke that this skinny blond is an Arsenal fan. It is demeaning to true Arsenal fans.

COYG! Come on you Gunners.

You can't buy class, it has to be earned.

 

[Jayjay]

Police reported she was found clutching a vuvuzela in one hand

So she is a woman after all! Who knew?

(looks up "vuvuzela")

... Nevermind.

 

[dendrast]

Been brain dead for years.

 

[doubleplusgoodks]

I had a slight hope that this was real.

 

[Underseer]

Of course you freedom-hating collectivists make up violent fantasies about killing Ann Coulter because you can't counter any of her brilliant arguments and this is the only way you can get back at her. I honestly feel sorry for you, but just a little. [/conservolibertarian]