Becoming a socially adept leader in an office environment

[rousseau]

A little background, I've been working in software for just shy of five years now and am technically proficient for the most part. My current manager has also spoken to me in the past about potentially becoming a tech lead once I catch on to pertinent technical skills specific to the role I'm in.

And so now that I've gotten the technical side of my career somewhat in the bag, I'd like to work on embodying the role of technical leader. Seems like I've already got a lot of it, maintaining integrity, supporting others, going the extra mile, and yet I'm still a quiet, slightly awkward introvert. So I'm not sure if that's destiny or if I can actually make lengths to improve my leadership/social skills. And if there are specific skills to embody while leading, I wonder what people would consider those skills to be?

 

[James Brown]

I feel for you. I've been a technical person, and I've been a manager, and my management skills suck. I am simply unable to deal with people who don't pull their weight.

But I've heard plenty of introverts claim that they overcame their awkwardness to become a team leader, so it can be done.

I'm still a quiet, slightly awkward introvert

What I can tell you is, "quiet" and "introvert" does not mean "bad leader." Of the good managers I've had, nearly all exhibited those characteristics. It's the loud bombastic back-slappers that get under my skin. And as for "slightly awkward" that to me is a lack of confidence, which will dissolve over time.

 

[rousseau]

I feel for you. I've been a technical person, and I've been a manager, and my management skills suck. I am simply unable to deal with people who don't pull their weight.

But I've heard plenty of introverts claim that they overcame their awkwardness to become a team leader, so it can be done.

I'm still a quiet, slightly awkward introvert

What I can tell you is, "quiet" and "introvert" does not mean "bad leader." Of the good managers I've had, nearly all exhibited those characteristics. It's the loud bombastic back-slappers that get under my skin. And as for "slightly awkward" that to me is a lack of confidence, which will dissolve over time.

I sometimes wonder if my social skills are starting to wither these days. For a variety of reasons I don't get a lot of face to face time anymore, save with my partner and her family. At work I'm in a cubicle, and the brunt of my work requires no face to face collaboration.

The only chance I get to socialize with people is in the cafeteria at lunch, and I can't stand getting up from my desk and sitting at another table for another hour in the middle of the day. Usually I'll spend that time walking for 30 minutes to an hour.

When I'm foisted into an actual work situation involving people I can be quite confident as I know my shit these days, but small talk and casual banter.. feels like I've completely forgotten how to do it.

I also agree with you re: introversion and leadership. Truth be told I've always had kind of a natural inclination for leadership.. I'm just usually the guy leading from the back of the room, quietly telling their boss what to do, rather than the one physically managing people.

 

[Rhea]

I’d say some specific useful skills in a leader are an ability to listen (II assume you are already good at this part) and then take what you heard and weave the fruitful bits into either praise or objectives or support for technical direction.

This is the thing that helps a leader cast the right people into roles that will progress a product, and make them see that they own it and want very much for it to keep moving. Helping them see their own strengths and giving them the comfort to acknowledge their own weaknesses, so they can drop ideas that should be dropped and advance ideas that should be advanced.

It’s the part of leadership that is facilitating others so that the team becomes outstanding.

 

[rousseau]

I’d say some specific useful skills in a leader are an ability to listen (II assume you are already good at this part) and then take what you heard and weave the fruitful bits into either praise or objectives or support for technical direction.

This is the thing that helps a leader cast the right people into roles that will progress a product, and make them see that they own it and want very much for it to keep moving. Helping them see their own strengths and giving them the comfort to acknowledge their own weaknesses, so they can drop ideas that should be dropped and advance ideas that should be advanced.

It’s the part of leadership that is facilitating others so that the team becomes outstanding.

Thanks for the reply.

I've actually started to get something of an opportunity to test out those waters recently. My approach was similar to yours and starkly different from that of the actual senior people on my team. I took the right approach, I think, but my confidence in not just bluntly feeding answers to junior devs was questionable. Now that I think about it, I likely need to get more opportunity to actually be a mentor and learn what works and what doesn't over time, so I can become just as comfortable in mentorship as I am with programming.

Might be some false assumptions floating around in my mind that because I'm good at programming I should automatically be good at teaching programming, and it's not just another skill I need to get experience in.

 

[Max Rockatansky]

A little background, I've been working in software for just shy of five years now and am technically proficient for the most part. My current manager has also spoken to me in the past about potentially becoming a tech lead once I catch on to pertinent technical skills specific to the role I'm in.

And so now that I've gotten the technical side of my career somewhat in the bag, I'd like to work on embodying the role of technical leader. Seems like I've already got a lot of it, maintaining integrity, supporting others, going the extra mile, and yet I'm still a quiet, slightly awkward introvert. So I'm not sure if that's destiny or if I can actually make lengths to improve my leadership/social skills. And if there are specific skills to embody while leading, I wonder what people would consider those skills to be?

You learn by doing for the most part. While some people have natural "people skills", most people have to learn them. There are tons of books and websites on the subject. It appears you already have a grasp of the basics based on your initial post.

I'm a "social wallflower". My wife denies it because she's seen me in public, but what she's seeing are learned skills. All in all, I'd rather not be at parties or other social gatherings. I'm fine with people one on one or a small group, especially at work, but, while I can be sociable, I'd rather not be.

 

[phands]

I've been a techie (Chip designer, software engineer, data center guru - ran all of Google's data centers in the world outside of the Americas for years, Agile coach and evangelist) for 40 years. I'm now CTO of a small, tech-enabled healthcare startup, and my job is mostly being that leader, although I still get to code sometimes. I too was somewhat shy and introverted, but am now socially adept, and love being a leader - as opposed to being a manager. It takes patience, and the willingness to learn from mistakes. It needs a degree of empathy but also the ability to just give orders to break deadlocks. Socially adept does NOT mean you have to be friends, especially with people who report to you, as sometimes feedback can be tough. Probably the biggest asset is being able to listen to multiple viewpoints and make a decision to set policy, and get everyone to get with the program - disagree and commit is a good compromise.

Ask specific questions...we may even have answers or advice...and good luck!

 

[T.G.G. Moogly]

Well, I'm an old fart, will be retiring in 12 months, and have worked in quite a few different environments with different managers/leaders. The most important thing I learned from all those experiences is that the environment matters, specifically, that some environments and managers are toxic. And so you need to know when to NOT join the team, if you understand.

30 years ago I swore I would never again take a leadership position because I thought that all environments were the same. But then I was surprised to discover an environment where people were actually leaders, where they could select their employees based on merit and not tenure. And so I accepted a leadership position which has worked out great for the past almost 30 years.

The most important thing is to know your job, which you seem to be very comfortable with. The social aspects of your ability to be effective will be dictated by the environment and the leadership which selects who will stay and who will go. If you are working with motivated, intelligent people in a healthy environment you will be fine.

 

[Bleach]

You should work in a prison if you really want to see people failing upwards.

 

[phands]

some environments and managers are toxic.

You said it! One thing that's stuck with me for decades is something one my ex-bosses said: "People don't quit Companies...they quit Managers".

I believe he was right, and as a long term manager, I try to never forget that.

 

[rousseau]

Thanks for all of the advice, very helpful.

I've been a techie (Chip designer, software engineer, data center guru - ran all of Google's data centers in the world outside of the Americas for years, Agile coach and evangelist) for 40 years. I'm now CTO of a small, tech-enabled healthcare startup, and my job is mostly being that leader, although I still get to code sometimes. I too was somewhat shy and introverted, but am now socially adept, and love being a leader - as opposed to being a manager. It takes patience, and the willingness to learn from mistakes. It needs a degree of empathy but also the ability to just give orders to break deadlocks. Socially adept does NOT mean you have to be friends, especially with people who report to you, as sometimes feedback can be tough. Probably the biggest asset is being able to listen to multiple viewpoints and make a decision to set policy, and get everyone to get with the program - disagree and commit is a good compromise.

Ask specific questions...we may even have answers or advice...and good luck!

Nothing specific comes to mind now, but one take-home for me from the above posts is the importance of exposure to that type of work, and maybe even some books/research.

In the past week I talked to my manager about being assigned to more social projects and roles, if for no other reason than to get myself out of my cube. At the last company I was at I was a programmer analyst with a heavily social role, and it's starting to feel like that side of my skill-set is withering.

I also bought a few books on mentoring and management on the weekend, so hopefully something comes out of that. Looking for material on people skills might also be beneficial if I can extract the useful elements and avoid walking around trying to shake everyone's hand .

 

[phands]

Thanks for all of the advice, very helpful.

Nothing specific comes to mind now, but one take-home for me from the above posts is the importance of exposure to that type of work, and maybe even some books/research.

In the past week I talked to my manager about being assigned to more social projects and roles, if for no other reason than to get myself out of my cube. At the last company I was at I was a programmer analyst with a heavily social role, and it's starting to feel like that side of my skill-set is withering.

I also bought a few books on mentoring and management on the weekend, so hopefully something comes out of that. Looking for material on people skills might also be beneficial if I can extract the useful elements and avoid walking around trying to shake everyone's hand .

Additional thoughts.....

A good company will always train you in management, rather than leave you to sink or swim...bad management is damaging to many people, not just an individual.
Manager is NOT always the same as leader, and it can be argued that they are separate things. However, there are some things that good managers do (I call them Basic Management Hygiene) to make sure their reports are being included and listened to....

• Schedule regular 1 to 1 meetings with each report.
  • I try for once a week.
  • You don't always have to have them if there's nothing to talk about that week, but having the slot scheduled is important.
  • Don't let more than a month go by without some form of check-in.
  • Try to have the other person do at least half the talking, and take notes, and preferably actions for you both.
  • At least twice a quarter, the 1 to 1 meeting should be a slightly more formal catchup on goals, objectives and career planning, including trainings.
• Hold regular whole-team meetings.
  • Once a month is good, but at least twice a quarter.
  • Try to have "news from the top" or other important company stuff to maintain interest.
  • Try to have team members present on something they've achieved that pertains to the company or group mission.
  • Try to have occasional guest speakers from other departments for cross-pollination of ideas.
• Involve the team, individually and collectively in decision making and policy, where possible
  • They usually know best how to get their jobs done, so ask them how to improve matters.
  • If you can, use a low-touch control mechanism like Scrum (one of the Agile techniques) to allow the team to help drive progress.
• Try to keep your technical chops in whatever disciplines the team is required for.
  • It's much easier to get buy-in and respect when they know you know how things work.
    • Respect is earned and maintained: it is not automatic.
  • It's much easier to know when things are going wrong if you know the subject area.

If you can get even some of all this going (it takes a while!), you'll be amazed at how much time is freed up to do things other than management, like leadership and interesting technical stuff. With Scrum, you can get your entire project management done in under 15 minutes a day and have fun!

There's lots more, but I've droned on too long.

P

 

[rousseau]

Thanks for all of the advice, very helpful.

Nothing specific comes to mind now, but one take-home for me from the above posts is the importance of exposure to that type of work, and maybe even some books/research.

In the past week I talked to my manager about being assigned to more social projects and roles, if for no other reason than to get myself out of my cube. At the last company I was at I was a programmer analyst with a heavily social role, and it's starting to feel like that side of my skill-set is withering.

I also bought a few books on mentoring and management on the weekend, so hopefully something comes out of that. Looking for material on people skills might also be beneficial if I can extract the useful elements and avoid walking around trying to shake everyone's hand .

Additional thoughts.....

A good company will always train you in management, rather than leave you to sink or swim...bad management is damaging to many people, not just an individual.
Manager is NOT always the same as leader, and it can be argued that they are separate things. However, there are some things that good managers do (I call them Basic Management Hygiene) to make sure their reports are being included and listened to....

Agreed. I see myself as more of a leader than a manager. I picked up some books on both, though, because I figure some of the management tips might be helpful anyway. I'm more interested in the mentoring book, however. A few weeks back I also picked up a couple titles on leadership itself (Leadership and Self Deception, and Energy Leadership), which are helpful but a bit tangential to being a physical lead.

Anyway, on the team I'm on we have a manager at the top, and then a 'tech lead' reporting directly to her, as well as a 'technical specialist' (guy with chops). I definitely don't see myself in the management role, but could imagine being in the tech lead spot one day. In that role it's less about managing the team as a whole, more about one on one relationships along with the nitty gritty technical stuff. I seem to have an aptitude for 1) tech and 2) social situations directly involving tech.

If what I'm communicating is logical and not ambiguous I'm a pretty good communicator, it's just when I get into situations where I have to make small talk, be funny.. that kind of thing, that I kind of flail.