When it comes to so-called missing links between apes and humans, there's one that stands head and hairy shoulders above the rest -- and I mean that figuratively because it was speculated to only be a little over 3 ft tall when alive. I'm referring to none other than Australopithecus afarensis, my friend and yours, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.
Well that's where the name came from but it's just plain Lucy to you and me and it's got some 'splaining because it ain't all it's cracked up to be. And I mean that literally. First of all this highfalutin technical name simply means "southern ape from the afar region" which is about the only thing they say that's accurate when it comes to the supposed hirsute hominid as all kinds of creative and fanciful things happen along the way to make Lucy into the ultimate Missing Link.
But before I go there, let's just take a quick look at how Lucy is often depicted. Here you go [shows a photo of 3d model], one right from a museum right there. Another [an illustration] right from a textbook... wow! look at her smiling and walking just like you and me! Now did someone snap a photo of Lucy in the gang back then? I mean, is this how they found Lucy, walking around waving at him with a cute little smirk? Of course not. So then how did this artist come up with this rendering? Well who knows exactly?
But let me tell you how it all started. Way back in 1974 paleoanthropologist Donald Johansson and his team discovered Lucy in the afar region of Ethiopia -- or more accurately I should say they discovered less than 30% of Lucy's fossilized bones. That's right, 70% of Lucy GONE, not found. Well wait a second then, what specific bones were found that convinced some scientist that Lucy walked upright? It must be at least the feet and the hips, right? Indeed, my friends, you're so right, you're so smart, so let's take a look at the feet and the hips. Now the main evidence supporting the belief that this Southern ape walked upright is that they found... now get this!... human Footprints in Tanzania, Africa, in 1978. Now you heard that right! Four years after, and hundreds of miles away from where Lucy was found, they found human footprints, which of course means they must have been Lucy's. Huh? Not really convincing, especially when you consider the bones of Lucy that they DID find, did not include foot bones. WHAT?! Yeah, no foot bones, as in zero zilch nada none zippo! So if you don't have Lucy's foot bones how do you know the human footprints hundreds of miles away were Lucy's?
Well maybe it's because they found other foot fossils they claim to be from Lucy's relatives. Only problem there, is the toes were more curved than a chimpanzee. That means the actual fossil evidence shows Lucy's family could not have made the human footprints. I don't know call us science deniers if that makes you feel better, but if the shoe fits... I mean if the glove doesn't fit you... nope, I mean if the bones don't fit... well, whatever.
Anyway, what about the hip? That's really going to prove Lucy walked upright like our rendering depicts, right? Well you're going to love this part of the story, but before I go there I got to throw two more facts at you for color and clarity.
Fact 1: After 40 years of research Swiss scientists discovered something very surprising about Lucy. She ain't a she! He's a he! Or like they might say in California, "Lucy's a dude, bro!" So, uh, question... how in the world did the earlier nearly infallible scientists who were proclaiming Lucy as the unmistakable irrefutable Missing Link miss THIS?! I mean, this was pre-2020 and everybody knew the difference between men and women back then! Oops, probably shouldn't have said that!
Fact "dos": After making this discovery, scientists suggested a new name for Lucy. They suggested Lucifer. I am not kidding! And quite honestly it's fitting because this set of bones has been used to lie to more people than just about any other in recent decades.
Now back to the great story that I call The Hip Bone Manipulator. DJ said these very words about Lucy's hipbone after he discovered it: "Superficially her hip resembled a chimpanzee's which meant that Lucy couldn't possibly have walked like a modern human." Yeah I know he said "her" but that's before he knew "she" was a he... er, uh, very confusing. Anyway if Lucifer's hips flared out like a chimp making it so that it couldn't walk upright, what happened to change the hips so that what you see in museums and publications look like human hips? Man, you guys asked the best questions! And here's the answer. Owen Lovejoy, an anthropologist, made a copy of the hipbones in plaster and then (and I quote), "Cut the damaged pieces out and put them back together the way they were before Lucy died."
He did what now?! Like I said, you're going to love this part of the story! He cut and put them back together. Now how did he know that's the way the hip was before Lucy died? I mean why did he take a hip that, quote, "resembled a chimpanzee's" and then rearrange... I mean literally saw, cut and reconstruct things to make it appear like a human hip? Well, that I'll leave for you to contemplate. But at least we now know that the foundation of the artist rendering of AL 288-1, nicknamed Lucy, aka Lucifer the ape-like beast, is completely unfounded because there's no real evidence that he, she, it, whatever the preferred pronoun might be, walked upright (probably shouldn't have said that either).
Anyway the point is this manufactured Missing Link, this unfounded depiction of Lucifer walking upright and smiling, this suspicious reconstruction of the hip, this incomplete bag of bones with no feet, and this embarrassing misgendering mistake, pretty much demonstrate the claim that Lucy is the real deal has been (humanly speaking) debunked! Adios!
