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Cocaine Supply Dwindling, Lindell's Election Fight Nearing End

Jimmy Higgins

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SIOUX CITY, SOUTH DAKOTA -- A heavily coked up Mike Lindell, a pillow seller, was holding a cyber-symposium on the alleged election fraud that he has had evidence proving happened for months. The three day event is supposed to slowly leak out the information he has held secret since obtaining it, instead of reporting the information to the FBI, which likely makes him a co-conspirator at this point, but because he is so coked up, he just doesn't know.

Lindell's conspiracy trappings which clearly find their inspiration in the simulative high that only quality cut coke can provide, have been part of his rantings online as well as during specials on small cable channels few people get.

Sources, however, indicate that Lindell has been blasting through cocaine like a snow plow in winter and with sales of his ordinary pillows that are assembled in the US by parts made in China, dropping, his cocaine supply is dwindling "dangerously low". Rumors are his handlers have had to cut in filler to help draw out the cocaine, but they are not expected to be able o keep the supply around much longer.

A slower, less chaotic, and more prone to needing sleep Lindell is expected to be incapable of sustaining his narcotic induced conspiracy theory for much longer, leaving few left to support the former President's claim that the election was stolen.

Experts indicate that signs of cocaine withdrawal will include fits of rage, incomprehensible muttering, crying, and should be expected any time soon, assuming he doesn't overdose what cocaine remains first.
 
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