Yeah I want to try a Freudian type therapy. I am on a wait list though because it's expensive for the government, and I can't afford something like that.
At least you are on a waiting list, which is good. I hope your turn comes around. It's the same here. Waiting lists for talk therapies of all sorts, unfortunately.
One thing I would say, having really wanted it myself, is that it wasn't a silver bullet, but then nothing is. But it was certainly interesting, and helpful, and when I was really bad, it helped just to have someone to talk to (and I do mean to, not with, because she said very little, lol, as per the freudian way) to help me get through the week (when it was weekly) or even the month (when it was monthly).
Here, there are all sorts of therapists and counsellors and some that aren't as expensive and happy to see you once a month only. I wonder if you could afford that? They aren't as expensive as fully-trained psychotherapists. Failing that, is there a support group anywhere near you where you could go along with other people who might also be in a similar boat? Worth checking out. Group therapy is cheaper.
I found it was difficult to chat to friends and family. Family, well my parents, were too invested and in my case (as in many) part of the problem. If anyone in your boat has a good friend willing to listen, especially on a regular basis, then that's highly unusual. I mostly didn't open up to friends. My girlfriend was very supportive, but you may not be in a relationship at this time.
All in all, I favoured talking with/to 'complete strangers' as in professionals because I knew or felt that I wasn't burdening them, that they were only doing their job, a bit like a nurse or what have you. Neutrality in other words. Obviously, some therapists are better than others and ideally it's good to find a good one and one that suits you, but often people don't have much choice in real terms, so if you find one and he or she is not a quack then you can still get something no matter what. Sometimes it's just about getting little things to keep you hanging on.
So I am just going to keep on truckin til I die (that's me being self-defeating to my goal of immortality).
I hope you don't mind if I say that you seem as if you might be... prone....to negative thoughts, about yourself. So was I. So is almost everyone with similar conditions. It's arguably a defining symptom. As is self-sabotage. I had that in spades. And you won't need me to tell you they're not helpful because you'll already know that. I found it EXTREMELY hard to switch them off in favour of more positive ones, to 'change my script' as it were. As I said, I never gave up, kept pecking away, maybe got older and a bit lucky with medication or whatever, but in the end, I beat the bastard (though in some ways at least it might be better to say that I accepted it).
As for 'self help' books and stuff, I never found one that made a huge difference. I don't know if you've tried any. Some feel they're useful. Personally, I think they're useful for getting the odd helpful snippet or two, so I definitely wouldn't knock them and looking back I think they did help me cope. Eventually, I stopped reading them. Then, recently, I bought 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck'. Lol. It was ok. I liked some of the ideas. One of them was that by always trying to be happy (which was what I'd spent more than half my life trying and failing miserably to achieve) we are at the same time constantly reminding ourselves and reinforcing to ourselves that we are not happy and telling yourself all the time that you are not happy is in some ways counter productive and adding pressure and a sense of failure if you don't 'magically' get happy. The suggestion was to not give as much of a fuck about certain things. It's not a self-help book as such or certainly not for someone with specific mental health conditions. But no book can tell you what to do. In the end, you have to slowly and very gradually and with a lot of effort find your own way. Small steps and all that.
Obviously, as an atheist, I personally am not going to recommend the bible.
. But if it gives anyone solace (and parts of it can) then that's ok, imo. Take from it what you feel you need, the good parts, which would go for any book, therapy or advice, imo. Heck, go to church. If you can find a fairly modern liberal one, there are plenty of nice, caring people in churches and a sense of community. Quakers are quite good, imo, at least the ones we have here. Church of England (or Ireland, here) too. Hopefully, you have an equivalent.
Sometimes, reading helpful books which are to do with your specific condition is nice, because there are reminders that you are far, far from alone, that there are many many many other people with similar problems (even if none of them are exactly the same). Which there definitely are. It's an open secret. Part of the human condition for many. It's just invisible most of the time. There is nothing 'wrong' (as in 'bad' or freaky) with you in that sense. You are just somewhere on the normal/typical human condition bell curve at this time, and you may not always be there. If anyone says otherwise to you, politely tell them to fuck off. No maybe that's a bit rude.
