Office Memos

[Jimmy Higgins]

From Manager
To Harrisburg Staff
Title: Sustainability Challenge Permanently On-Hold

Staff, we want to inform the office that while we pride ourselves on sustainability and limiting waste, in light of the consequences at the last Finish the Leftovers in the Company Fridge Challenge, all future challenges have been put permanently on-hold. We still encourage our employees to limit the amount of waste they create and for office management staff to prevent over-purchasing foods for office events. However, the attempt to eat foods left in the fridge for unknown periods of time can be hazardous. According to the county coroner, the amount of shellfish involved in the most recent challenge led to a "certain and obvious amount of risk to personal welfare". We want to pass along our gratitude to those that tended to the ill or dying in what we were told was a very difficult time, with the amount of vomiting being "unprecedented". The hospital has informed us that with dialysis most of the workers admitted will be completely fine and should maintain a "respectable standard of living". And we are all comforted to know Carl, this past Challenge's victor, died doing what he loved most.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

From Management
To Portland Staff
Title: Blood Giving Challenge Rule Modifications

Our intent of the Red Cross Blood Drive Challenge was to help our local blood bank. A $250 Amazon gift card was supposed to be a generalized incentive for people to give blood. While we were at first very pleased with the output of blood donations to the Red Cross, we started becoming alarmed based on some of the observations being made by others including the Red Cross. As a result, we are making the following modifications to the rules which will be retroactive.

1) A worker donation is consider per person, not per arm. Giving blood from both arms will not count as two entries.
2) Sick days due to severe fatigue caused by over-donating blood will be counted as vacation days.
3) As a reminder, the Red Cross will not accept bags of blood not collected at their facility.
4) Infants can not donate blood!
5) The intent of credit for family and friends donating blood was to broaden the donation pool with people familiar with our working family. Donations of blood from vagrants will not be an acceptable credit to increase the number of entries for the gift card.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

From Management
To St. Paul Staff
Title: Employee Referral Program Clarifications

We recently launched an employee referral program in order to let our workers help find potential talent to join our team, and as a bonus we have a cash incentive for the referred workers that are hired and remain employees for 6 months. As a reminder, this is a "Referral" program. We have not bestowed Human Resources responsibilities or authority to the employees of this company. As a result, we need to inform the 38,284 "newly hired workers" that unless they were processed through Human Resources and went through the typical interviewing and vetting processes, they have not actually been hired to work for us and they will need to leave the premises, even if they were "supplied an email address". The intent is to create relationships with potential employees that have viable skills for our company, not just a random process to "see if something sticks" and any future attempts to breach corporate hiring policy will be dealt with on a case by case basis.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

From Management
To Acme Staff
Title: Employee Fitness Challenge Clarification

The Employee Fitness Challenge was introduced in order to help promote better physical conditioning. This helps improve both worker health and reductions in losses in working hours and fewer medical expenses. One of the ways to monitor your activities was through the use of a Fit Bit. Some discrepancies have been noticed in the data provided for personal activity. As a clarification, activity information from a Fit Bit must be obtained through actual physical activity and can not be supplemented by placing several Fit Bits on top of a Roomba that is operating in the office or on paint mixers. Additionally, the Fit Bits are meant to monitor employee activity, not their children's. Due to the number of reported "Marathons" and "Ironman Triathlons", we will be requiring official confirmation of participation in any organized run or multi-sport event. And finally regarding time sheets, "getting physically fit" is not considered an acceptable "Overhead" activity.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

From Management
To Dayton Staff
Title: Religious Tolerance

Tolerance to the beliefs of all of our workers is important to maintain a healthy workplace environment. Consequently, using a coworker's crucifix as a T-square or labeling a coworker's crucifix "For Emergency Use (Vampires)" and remarks regarding "TGIF" on Good Friday will no longer be tolerated.

 

[ZiprHead]

Keep 'em coming, Jimmy.

 

[hyzer]

From Naval Sea Systems Command
To US Navy Fleet
Title Stainless Sanitary Space System

To reflect the modern Navy, Naval Sea Systems Command has issued orders to replace urinals on the surface fleet with gender-neutral commodes called the “Stainless Sanitary Space System.”

Within the next year, over 3,000 shipboard heads are to be converted to a new modular design that is easier to clean, cheaper to maintain and more suitable for female crew members. The goal is to make all sanitary spaces gender-neutral to facilitate changes in crew composition, as articulated by the House Armed Services personnel subcommittee.

The replacement equipment is made of stainless steel and built in a modular design that has no crevices or seams that are hard to clean. Maintenance crews can quickly hose down the bathroom space and finish up in about half the time they now spend cleaning conventional heads.

From an engineering perspective, urinals are an on-board disaster in the modern Navy. They generate more odor than standard toilets. They have a greater “over-spray” problem that corrodes flooring and walls, their piping tends to become blocked by mineral buildups and it is difficult and expensive to replace the plumbing when these problems occur.

Effective immediately the previous all-male policy, based on standard ship-board firefighting protocol, “stand closer to the target or reel out more hose”, is rescinded.