ideologyhunter
Contributor
1. As I understand it, if I buy the Christpack (TM) I end up with a resurrected body living in the New Kingdom. Do I get to choose the age I want to be? Is it standardized? Is this a unisex body? Also, hygiene issues, etc?
2. Wings? Are there tutorials for this? I'm assuming wings plus arms, which raises issues with clothing, plus chafing. Also deodorants, wing oil, etc, etc. This does not sound like fun to me.
3. Round the clock worship????? Uh, no, not if this new kick is supposed to represent the deepest level of human consciousness and the most profound fulfillment of need. The stuff I like to do the most usually comes in increments of 15 to 30 minutes, nuff said. Can you take a break from contemplating the Big Cheese? Do you have to keep thinking up compliments? Could be a stretch.
4. Fleas, bedbugs in heaven? I'm asking ahead because I can just see some holy ascetic who gets shooed in with a minimal vetting service & no one at intake thinks to check for bugs. And once the fleas get in, I assume they're in for the long haul, and I doubt heaven has Orkin, because it's not given much priority in the book.
5. Big O. Okay, let's just address this, because she just turned 60, and with her weight fluctuations, who knows what's going on, and it's a matter of time, anyway. A couple of years ago she even talked about this on her show, something like, 'Ooh child, when I go, there's gonna be some celebratin' and Hallelujah singin' in heaven!!!" So you just know Oprah is gonna be one massive pain in heaven, demanding face time, assuming that she can speak for everyone else, pushing ahead in line. Am I alone in this? Are there not more people thinking that Oprah is going to suck the fun out of heaven??? Suggestions, strategies?
6. Do you get to talk to celebrities up there, or is that gauche, and in a way detracting from the glory of the Big 3? If I see Loretta Young or George Wallace or Minnie Pearl, am I supposed to pretend I don't see them?
7. Reading materials, movies, music?? (See #3 on the boredom factor.) Will it all be PG13? I'm sorry, Christians, if you think this is a trifling question, but I really don't think you'll be happy either, flapping wings all day with your local green-grocer (as Mencken phrased it.) And I know there will be music, but if it is all to be harps or Christian trombone solos, I have some other deals to consider.
8. Oprah again -- could she possibly be given her own compound or suite? It would show favoritism, but if it would get her out of the way, it would be worth it. Then again, she'd probably figure out a way to broadcast.
9. Communication with hell? I know there are some really exalted types who will want to watch the lost folks writhing and shrieking, but I would like some dependable cybermail (or even snail mail, which I bet it would be) with hell. Specifically, I want to write fan letters to Janis Joplin, Robert Ingersoll, and sarcastic condolence notes to Rush Limbaugh, et al., when they receive their dispensation. Oh -- that last one makes me one of the exalted gloaters; can't help it.
10. Are we absolutely SURE that 'you can't take it with you'?? If you get a resurrected body and some sort of clothing, how do we KNOW that you can't carry in a wallet -- or handbag -- or Winnebago?
2. Wings? Are there tutorials for this? I'm assuming wings plus arms, which raises issues with clothing, plus chafing. Also deodorants, wing oil, etc, etc. This does not sound like fun to me.
3. Round the clock worship????? Uh, no, not if this new kick is supposed to represent the deepest level of human consciousness and the most profound fulfillment of need. The stuff I like to do the most usually comes in increments of 15 to 30 minutes, nuff said. Can you take a break from contemplating the Big Cheese? Do you have to keep thinking up compliments? Could be a stretch.
4. Fleas, bedbugs in heaven? I'm asking ahead because I can just see some holy ascetic who gets shooed in with a minimal vetting service & no one at intake thinks to check for bugs. And once the fleas get in, I assume they're in for the long haul, and I doubt heaven has Orkin, because it's not given much priority in the book.
5. Big O. Okay, let's just address this, because she just turned 60, and with her weight fluctuations, who knows what's going on, and it's a matter of time, anyway. A couple of years ago she even talked about this on her show, something like, 'Ooh child, when I go, there's gonna be some celebratin' and Hallelujah singin' in heaven!!!" So you just know Oprah is gonna be one massive pain in heaven, demanding face time, assuming that she can speak for everyone else, pushing ahead in line. Am I alone in this? Are there not more people thinking that Oprah is going to suck the fun out of heaven??? Suggestions, strategies?
6. Do you get to talk to celebrities up there, or is that gauche, and in a way detracting from the glory of the Big 3? If I see Loretta Young or George Wallace or Minnie Pearl, am I supposed to pretend I don't see them?
7. Reading materials, movies, music?? (See #3 on the boredom factor.) Will it all be PG13? I'm sorry, Christians, if you think this is a trifling question, but I really don't think you'll be happy either, flapping wings all day with your local green-grocer (as Mencken phrased it.) And I know there will be music, but if it is all to be harps or Christian trombone solos, I have some other deals to consider.
8. Oprah again -- could she possibly be given her own compound or suite? It would show favoritism, but if it would get her out of the way, it would be worth it. Then again, she'd probably figure out a way to broadcast.
9. Communication with hell? I know there are some really exalted types who will want to watch the lost folks writhing and shrieking, but I would like some dependable cybermail (or even snail mail, which I bet it would be) with hell. Specifically, I want to write fan letters to Janis Joplin, Robert Ingersoll, and sarcastic condolence notes to Rush Limbaugh, et al., when they receive their dispensation. Oh -- that last one makes me one of the exalted gloaters; can't help it.
10. Are we absolutely SURE that 'you can't take it with you'?? If you get a resurrected body and some sort of clothing, how do we KNOW that you can't carry in a wallet -- or handbag -- or Winnebago?