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Potoooooooo

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Thirty Punchlines to Dwarven Dirty Jokes

1 Where you going lad? it is your turn to work the bellows.

2 I said Mountain Hall not Mount Them All

3 Her husband looked up and said "This tastes like soap"

4 Then the Gnome says "I can't smell any gems in there but I will keep my nose in it”

5 All my spikes are flush

6 Yes that is a beard in my pants

7 Pull me a pint from Groemdigger's stout

8 Take it easy, don't forge it.

9 He ended up with a piece of blue-fairie pie

10 The mining guild member took out two wooden planks and said "all tunnels need at least two pieces of shoring before a Guild member can work"

11 Humans

12 Two days later he pulled out a diamond

13 I don't understand, I have been hammering the dagger for hours and the steel still isn't pink

14 A beard in the hand is worth two in the bush

15 She is not what she a beard to be

16 A toothpick

17 Cause the next day you piss splinters

18 That is not a arquebus but it is loaded

19 The human would ride in the boat and tip the bar maid

20 Then the male goblin says let just stay here till we out number them

21 After 59 minutes the dwarf got up to leave saying, “You said a 100 gold an hour, if I stayed another minute I would have to pay”

22 You said treat it like a masterwork sword, so I offered it to the king

23 The guild woman who usually does that part called in sick, but the Harriah will make you breakfast and Bella will take your money

24 Everyone knows Dwarves only eat once a day

25 You were supposed to look for shaved coins

26 She is just whistling while she works

27 That Gnome just spit on me!

28 Then the gold miner's daughter said "I was just following the vein"

29 The entire mining guild is working the shaft, my lord

30 I thought you wanted red meat off the bone

 
Potoooooooo said:
Thirty Punchlines to Dwarven Dirty Jokes
Click to expand...
31. If you're going to pound it like that, step closer to the anvil.

32. "She's a gnome, not my daughter!"

33. Well, thanks for the welcome. But you see, my NAME is Telldar, Duke of Bloughmee.

34: What? A man can't sharpen an axe in a closet?

35: I said 'lay on the beer,' not 'bier,' I meant serve more alcohol at the wake, not fuck the corpse!

36: Ride? We thought you said MOUNT the ponies...

37: ....and forty naked dwarves jump out from behind the barrels, saying 'Whew! You found my axe!"

38: He handed the vial of healing potion to the elven maiden, saying, "You'll be needing this more than I."

39: Well, dear, the king said, it's just that one of your footstools appears to be uncircumcised.

40: It's not my first choice, the dwarf explained, but if there are no women or badgers about, it'll do.
 
Keith&Co. said:
Potoooooooo said:
Thirty Punchlines to Dwarven Dirty Jokes
Click to expand...
31. If you're going to pound it like that, step closer to the anvil.

32. "She's a gnome, not my daughter!"

33. Well, thanks for the welcome. But you see, my NAME is Telldar, Duke of Bloughmee.

34: What? A man can't sharpen an axe in a closet?

35: I said 'lay on the beer,' not 'bier,' I meant serve more alcohol at the wake, not fuck the corpse!

36: Ride? We thought you said MOUNT the ponies...

37: ....and forty naked dwarves jump out from behind the barrels, saying 'Whew! You found my axe!"

38: He handed the vial of healing potion to the elven maiden, saying, "You'll be needing this more than I."

39: Well, dear, the king said, it's just that one of your footstools appears to be uncircumcised.

40: It's not my first choice, the dwarf explained, but if there are no women or badgers about, it'll do.
Click to expand...

AWESOME
 
20 Dwarven Mining Chanties:

1. Heave The Gold, Boys

2. Real Men Drill Down Deep

3. Bury Me in Air Shaft Three

4. He Was A Dwarf With A Pocket of Air

5. Afraid of The Dark

6. (Dwarven) Women Got Two Beards (not typically sung on Low Holy Days)

7. Silver Comes In Veins

8. The Loss Of The Mountainbottom Mine

9. I Got Ore In My Beard

10. I Got Bears In My Ore

11. We're All Too Busy Digging To Have Sex (Not typically sung in still-profitable mines)

12. I Owe

13. A Mighty Mass Of Meaty Magic Mushrooms

14. The Day the Orcs Got In

15. The Mining Safety Inspection (some 400 known verses, not counting local inventions that insult specific dwarves and are opaque to anyone from a different mine. For example, one must know that Gildi Globenflaven once ate a cave-newt on a dare to fully grasp the impact of a verse about a safety inspector finding fault that Gildi's lunch is swimming to safety.)

16. Momma Wanted Miners

17. I Wanna Dig In A Mine Just Like The Mine Where We Buried Dad

18. The Other Day the Orcs Got In.

19. The Orcs Got In Again!

20. Seriously, you fuckers, Orcs are attacking from a side tunnel, stop harmonizing with me and grab an axe to-AAACK! (unfinished)
 
Last edited:
Keith&Co. said:
20 Dwarven Mining Chanties:

1. Heave The Gold, Boys

2. Real Men Drill Down Deep

3. Bury Me in Air Shaft Three

4. He Was A Dwarf With A Pocket of Air

5. Afraid of The Dark

6. (Dwarven) Women Got Two Beards (not typically sung on Low Holy Days)

7. Silver Comes In Veins

8. The Loss Of The Mountainbottom Mine

9. I Got Ore In My Beard

10. I Got Bears In My Ore

11. We're All Too Busy Digging To Have Sex (Not typically sung in still-profitable mines)

12. I Owe

13. A Mighty Mass Of Meaty Magic Mushrooms

14. The Day the Orcs Got In

15. The Mining Safety Inspection (some 400 known verses, not counting local inventions that insult specific dwarves and are opaque to anyone from a different mine. For example, one must know that Gildi Globenflaven once ate a cave-newt on a dare to fully grasp the impact of a verse about a safety inspector finding fault that Gildi's lunch is swimming to safety.)

16. Momma Wanted Miners

17. I Wanna Dig In A Mine Just Like The Mine Where We Buried Dad

18. The Other Day the Orcs Got In.

19. The Orcs Got In Again!

20. Seriously, you fuckers, Orcs are attacking from a side tunnel, stop harmonizing with me and grab an axe to-AAACK! (unfinished)
Click to expand...

You are a true master of this, here is the only thing I can find that is even close
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You might be redneck dwarf if:

  1. Your axe is Primer-colored.
  2. Your beard is shaved in one spot so you can safely spit 'chaw' through it.
  3. Your armor reminds people of Elvis.
  4. You have slots in your shield to hold a six-pack.
  5. Your belt is made of dragon-skin. Especially if it's fake dragon-skin.
  6. You ever charged goblins accidentally because you were running from the cops.
  7. Your belt buckle is bigger than your shield.
  8. You've tried to make camouflage mithril.
  9. Your battle cry is or starts with 'dare ya.'
  10. Your battle cry is or starts with a belch.
  11. Your wife has a beehive hairdo.
  12. More than four people in your mine named their axe Bubba.
  13. ....especially if one is your daughter, Bubba.
  14. ....double especially if this confuses people because your axe is stamped 'Stanley.'
  15. Your mine is a double-wide.
  16. The door to your mine has a sign: You've seen our battlefields, now go home! written in Elvish.
  17. You've ever made a pony do a bootlegger reverse.
 
How To Tell If You Are In A High Fantasy Novel

The Elders would like a word with you.

The Ritual is about to begin.

Something that has not happened in a thousand years is happening.

You are going to the City. There is only one City. It is only said with a capital C. No one needs to bother saying the name of the City. It is the City.

Certain members of the Council are displeased with your family’s recent actions.

A bard is providing occasional comic relief; no one hired or invited him and his method of earning a living is unclear.

The High Priest is not to be trusted.

Someone is eating an apple mockingly.

There is one body of water. It is called the Sea. The Great Sea, if you are feeling fancy.

You live in a region with no major exports, no centralized government, no banking system, a mysteriously maintained network of roads, and little to no job training for anyone who is not a farmer.

You have red hair. You wear it in a braid. Your father was a simple man, and you don’t remember much about him – he died when you were so young – but you remember his strong hands, as he fished or carpentered or whatever it was that he used to do with them.

You’re going to have to hurry, or you’re going to miss the Fair – and you never miss the Fair.

There is trouble at the Citadel.

Your full name has at least one apostrophe in it.

It is the first page, and you are already late for something. Your mother affectionately chides you as you gulp down a few spoonfuls of porridge; she will be dead by page forty-two.

There are two religions in your entire universe. One is a thinly veiled version of Islam. It is only practiced by villains. The other is “being a Viking.” You are a Viking.

There are new ways in the land that threaten the Old Way. Your grandmother secretly practices the Old Way, as do all of the people of the hills.

The real trouble began the day you arrived at court. Every last nobleman hides a viper in his smile. How you long for the purity of life in your village, which is currently on fire or something.

Read more at http://the-toast.net/2015/01/23/tell-high-fantasy-novel/#tUmZ91555xYToXp1.99
 
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