The Ark Has Bren Found and Jesus Blood is on it!

[SLD]

This came up on my Facebook feed. Somebody says they found the ark in a cave underneath where Jesus was crucified. Not only that there was live blood on it. A trail of blood coming down from above. He took it back to the lab and it was still live! But dried. Hmmm. OK. And not only that there were only 23 chromosomes. Not 46.

It’s on the internet so it must be true.

Take that you heretic scum!

 

[ideologyhunter]

There's only one thing to do, and it must be done quickly. Well, actually more like 9 things.

1) Isolate JC's DNA, implant it in an ovum from Laura Loomer (she's 31, and hence a suitable bearer of the MAGA savior) and stuff the thing back in her.
2) Find 3 wise MAGA Magi somewhere -- I don't know where the hell you'll find them, but use Fox News anchors, if you must. They shall be the harbingers of the new MAGA babe.
3) The child shall be named Double Jesus Donald Trump-Loomer. For short, Dauphin Donald.
4) Teach Old Trump to differentiate between 'Dauphin' and 'Dolphin' or he'll forever be confused. (And the Dauphin must never travel to Yosemite.)
5) The child shall need a stepdad, who will traditionally be a virgin. Can't be Donald. I nominate Lindsey Graham.
6) Stock up on old Ernest Angley VHS tapes, so the child can learn how to perform miracles. ("Say Bay-bee!", etc.)
7) The child shall be HOME SCHOOLED (duh) by Loomer, Marjorie TG, Rudy G, and that's probably enough. OK, we'll add Mike Lindell for civics class.
8) First test of savior, age around 18: see if the Dauphin can transfer evil spirits from an epilectic into 2,000 MAGA rally attendees. Have a lake handy, nearby.
9) The child shall eventually lead what is left of western civ into its glorious destiny, in preparation for the Rapture. Selah, or however that goes.

 

[SLD]

You sure loomer’s a virgin?

 

[Shadowy Man]

You sure loomer’s a virgin?

I guess you’d have to find someone willing to say they had sex with her to prove she’s not.