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Trump Leading Way in Plummeting COVID-19 Cases

Jimmy Higgins

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WASHINGTON DC -- What started as a prank on the President that led to the firing of four staffers, has become a nationwide movement that has been linked to a massive drop in new COVID-19 cases across the country.

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In a speech to autoworkers at the Elon Musk Tesla plant in California, a staffer who was fired shortly after, handed President Trump a jock strap for use as a face mask. The President struggled putting it on, however, did manage to get it on and continued his speech.

Twitter immediately lit up with tweets laughing at the President. The response from the right-wing, however, was both surprising in action and effect. Trump reportedly was furious about being made a "laughing stock", but then decided to continue using it. Trump supporters across the nation also made a move as well, to start using jock straps to cover their face.

Trump's campaign manager Brad Parscale even launched a line of MAGA branded jock straps on the campaign website, selling it "at cost" for $15 a piece. A campaign spokesperson noted that demand for the new item was "overwhelming".

CDC had confirmed that in the past four weeks, new COVID-19 cases had trended down substantially to less than 5,000 cases a day. Dr. Fauci noted "Whatever it takes," in a resigned voice, "to get new cases below a level where there are more people being cleared than testing positive," while speaking from quarantine in his office.

Trump has heralded the "Jock Movement" with the sudden drop in new cases and says the economy will be returning to normal soon as long as his supporters keep "jocking up".
 
Jimmy, it's a damned shame The Onion is likely to go out of business before this is all over...
 
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