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Trump Slaughters Thanksgiving Day Turkey During Pardon

Jimmy Higgins

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WASHINGTON DC -- A visibly disturbed President Trump had a small trickle of turkey blood dripping from his nose, with both hands still grabbing the sword so tightly, his hands were visibly turning white. The dark and venomous stare in his eyes as they looked forward, almost seemingly into oblivion, kept the hush across the crowd who had attended the ceremony thinking they were attending the annual turkey pardon.

The Thanksgiving Pardon, which dates back several decades, has typically been a laid back ceremony where politics, if not for a brief moment, disappears and a moment of compassion and levity can be seen blossoming in DC.

Things, however, in hindsight appeared different from the start. President Trump walked into the ceremony clearly disturbed by something. A ruling yesterday by a Federal Court judge indicated that a former White House Counsel, Don McGahn, was compelled to cede to a House subpoena and testify. The ruling, which is likely to be appealed clearly appeared to be weighing on the President as the former White House Counsel had access to intimate information regarding this Presidency which has been roiled in controversy and scandal.

When it was time for the President to start his role, President Trump looked over to Kellyanne Conway, who herself, appeared on edge. She shook her head, but the President again motioned to her. The Senior White House Adviser went to a box, which she opened and removed what appeared to be a sword. On lookers noted they figured this was just one of those Trump showtime things and didn't make much of it. She hand the sword to the President.

Trump then began to speak. The tone was darker than usual, and as he continued, it raised the hairs on the back of my neck. "My wife wishes me to let Sir Gobblelot join his friends at the farm... in permanent vacation. And my Daughter has begged mercy for this turkey. But they have the soft hearts of women... so long as I'm your Leader, treason shall never go unpunished!"

After finishing these words, he swung the sword up, as people around him immediately dove for cover. He dropped the sword onto the turkey'd body, severing it nearly in half. Blood splashed out of the bird, which managed a brief shrill shriek after it had been pieced that will likely haunt my dreams for weeks. Children, from a few local schools that came to witness the ceremony, stood silent, pale skin, jaws open wide.

The President stood silent for about 10 seconds after his striking blow, before handing the sword back to a shaking Kellyanne Conway, as he walked back into the White House.

It took several minutes before people began collecting themselves. People close to the President, were wiping the blood and spilled entrails from their clothes, crying children were being consoled by their teachers and chaperones.

Kellyanne Conway indicated to the press that this wasn't to be taken as a "threat" by the Democrats. She indicated, while her hands still trembled, that this was all preplanned, and while it might not have been "executed well", there was no "context" the Democrats should take from this.
 
Fake news. This was clearly an act of self defense and the President was Standing His Ground against a violent turkey who had snuck into the country illegally because of the Democrats' weak immigration policies.
 
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