35 Questions Black People Have For White People
1. Is clapping on beat really that hard?
I'm a musician, so I have pretty good timing, but I don't care for Hall & Oates.
2. Why do y’all dance like that?
I don't dance. Not even at a Grateful Dead concert, where they hate you if you don't dance.
3. Will you PLEASE stop trying to touch our hair without asking?
Never did that. I had an Italian friend with kinky hair, but I never touched it. We used to poke fun of it though.
4. Why do you freak out when people of color are cast to play white fictional characters?
Never did that. I think it's perfectly cool, unless the fictional character is a white racist, then it would be silly.
5. And why do you freak out when people of color are cast to play fictional characters that are actually of color?
Do whitefolk actually do that? Can you cite some examples, so I can have a good laugh?
6. Why do you riot when your sports team loses?
The NY Jets are the only team I follow. They've been losing since 1969, so I'm used to it by now. The cool thing is, there are lots of black guys with cornrows on the NY Jets, and a black QB.
7. Why do you riot when your sports team wins?
Alcohol.
8. Are y’all ever gonna stop wearing Jesus sandals?
Don't.
9. And speaking of Jesus, you know he wasn’t white, right?
Most people know that persons born in the middle east are not white. But I think maybe He was a spaceman.
10. Southerners, do you really not get why the Confederate flag is offensive to us?
This is insulting to non-redneck southerners. The redneck southerners don't give a shit if the flag upsets black people. In fact, they hope it does.
11. Are you all really into pumpkin spice like that?
Who's pumpkin spice? Is she hot? Does she have a big ass?
12. Are you worried that reality shows like The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Mob Wives cast white people in a stereotypical light?
Don't watch television.
13. Why are y’all so obsessed with gluten?
Silly question. I think a lot of people are allergic to it. Why are black people obsessed with watermelon and fried chicken? That's why I don't invite black people to dinner. All those damn seeds on the floor. It's like going to a redneck bar, with all that sawdust and spittle. And fucking peanut shells!
14. Do you have family reunions?
I went to one. Lots of drunken Irish people in NYC. It was ugly. I avoid them now.
15. Why don’t you use washcloths?
Stupid question.
16. Why do you want to say the n-word soooooo badly?
I don't. But I grew up around a lot of people who used that word a lot.
17. Why do you always make such awful decisions in horror movies?
Because white teenagers are usually drunk, or just too horny to think straight.
18. Is your black friend cool with being used as the reason you “can’t be racist”?
I had a black friend named Jeffrey when I was in fourth grade. One day he was wearing a yellow shirt that I thought looked great on him. I went home and told my mom I wished my skin was darker. She told me never to say that again, least of all around my father.
19. Can you please take Iggy Azalea back?
Never heard of her, but Googled. She's a rap singer. Lost interest because I can't stand rap music.
20. What is it like being able to talk shit to police officers and not worry about being shot?
I did actually talk shit to cops when I was younger and had more courage. Now I kiss their asses like a pussy.
21. Why do y’all need an “extreme” or “ultimate” version of all the sports?
No idea. I'm not into extreme anything. I'm pretty laid back. Sedentary, even.
22. Why do y’all like “Turn Down for What” and the “Ignition” remix so much?
No idea what those are. I don't listen to anything with the word 'remix' appended to it, except the occasional downtempo track.
23. How come you can’t pronounce “black names” like Quvenzhané but can say Schwarzenegger, Galifianakis, and LaBeouf just fine?
I can't say those last two names very well.
24. Do you all really eat green bean casserole? And like it?
Yes. It's good. I'm a cook and have made it many times.
25. What do you have against seasonings and spices?
Silly question. Not up on the food that white folks like, are you?
26. Why do you kiss your dogs in the mouth?
I'm not a big pet owner, but would kiss a dog on the mouth, or a cat. We're all made of the same stuff, and animals have cleaner mouths than humans.
27. Why do you wear shorts in the winter?
I think black people wear shorts just as much as white people. Just look at basketball players and boxers! (All black people are either basketball players or boxers, right?)
28. Do you know how messed up using the term “nonwhite” to describe people of color is?
Yes, it's a stupid term. I've never used it. But it is accurate? By the way, aren't white people people of color too? And aren't Asian folk yellow? Yellow's a color last I checked. And what about them filthy redskins? And my Mexican ex-wife was darker than most black people I've hung with. And I even kissed HER on the mouth.
29. Do you know that “you’re not like other black people” is not a compliment?
No. I was raised in a trailer park so I'm much too stupid to really grok that one.
30. Why do y’all think you discovered “beauty trends” that we’ve been doing for years, like cornrows, Timberlands, and having a big ass?
What the fuck are Timberlands? I actually have a great ass, or so I've been told. My German grandmother called a big booty a "plum ass".
31. Are you aware that Friends was basically a rip-off of Living Single?
Who gives a fuck?
32. If being a minority isn’t so bad, why are you so terrified of being one?
I'm an individual, the smallest minority there is. I'm also a southpaw, which is a minority, and a poet, also a despised minority. Gene Tunney didn't like fighting lefties. He was a great white boxer so you probably never heard of him.
33. What’s the deal with cargo pants? Why do you need such an extreme number of pockets?
It's for all that extra money! Like Tom Sawyer said. We have to keep our rolled up Benjamins somewhere!
34. You don’t really believe that racism is over because we have a black president, do you?
Hell no. It seems to have made things worse. I would have voted for Colin Powell, but I voted against Obama. It was those flappy ears that turned me off.
35. You’re going to leave a comment saying “If white people made a post like this about black people, it’d be racist,” aren’t you?
Nope, but if a white person made a post like this, they'd probably be banned, unless they were a one-legged, blind lesbian. I say that with love, as I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body. I've even worn ladies underwear. But I don't make a habit of it.
