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Arguments for *not* helping others

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rousseau

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A few months ago someone on this forum described me as someone who "puts the needs of others before my own", and went on to say that this "isn't how we're built". Now, I don't know if that's completely true, but I do know that a lot of the time my conscience pushes me to help people, to make their lives better, to generally make things better. When I see a situation I can improve, I usually take the opportunity.

With that in mind, I've noticed that there are many instances where my good will is not even close to reciprocated or appreciated, and sometimes is even met with suspicion. People that I go far out of my way for still act selfishly toward me when push comes to shove. It's true even of people who are very close to me, I can usually predict how they're going to act in any given situation pending on what's in it for them.

What I've said is a bit ironic because I'm making it sound like I expect something in return (I don't), but the real issue is that with time I'm starting to feel that if it's not in people to act outside of their own interests maybe they don't deserve my help. There is a part of me that can't help but feel a little smug and happy with the idea that I could have stepped in and saved someone from drowning, but don't because there's no way they'd do the same for me.

If you look at all of this logically you basically need to take your life strategy in mind and ask "is it a good idea to help people". Most of the time I would say the answer is yes, but I think the answer is no when you end up losing more than the other gains. If you're fully sacrificing yourself for the benefit of others, you need to reconsider.

What do you think? What are some good reasons to not help others in need?
 
Some people are blatant 'users' and while their 'needs' are real, too often they are the result of their own ineptitude or poor decision making. (I speak from experience having a couple of 'needy' siblings.)

To continue helping people of this nature is only to continue enabling them. I am a believer in 'tough love' as a valid teaching method. I have assisted plenty but if you are going to be parked on my doorstep, you will be doing yard work or cutting firewood and I bloody well do not supply smokes or other indulgences. You want to waste coin, go earn your own. If not, go on social assistance. I pay taxes and see no reason to be paying twice.

I am far more sympathetic toward people who I see as victims of circumstance beyond their control than I am of those who inflict circumstances upon themselves and then think that I should be their mule. I expect this is the result of a strong work ethic up-bringing.
 
I'm a bit Skinnerian in this regard. Sometimes somethings that may be seen as not helping others, like not giving them something instead of them earning it, is in fact helping them by giving them an opportunity to learn, sometimes from their own mistakes.

Under this point of view, sometimes even a jab, an insult or other hurtful act is helping. Sometimes just not acting at all when someone asks you for something, is more helpful than the supposedly helpful act they're asking.
 
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rousseau said:
A few months ago someone on this forum described me as someone who "puts the needs of others before my own", and went on to say that this "isn't how we're built".
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But everything we do is a product of how we're built. We are built to prioritize our own emotional needs, not necessarily our practical or physical needs. The need to help others varies in strength.

What do you think? What are some good reasons to not help others in need?
Click to expand...

To me, the reasons are all subsets of the same thing-- the loss/risk of loss(to me) is too great to be offset by the reward(to me). What constitutes risk, reward, or a sufficient ratio between them will vary from person to person.

It may be clear when a person who's drowning needs help, but in other situations, the risk is that you're wrong about what the other person needs, wrong about your ability to help, wrong about the results of the action you intend to take. For me, it's more common to encounter situations where the question isn't "Should I help?" but "Should I do X [where it isn't clear whether X will help or not]?"

I have a low tolerance for risk, and a low capacity for experiencing reward, so my strategy by default is to not help people unless I'm sufficiently certain of their need (or the process of acquiring more information about their need is sufficiently convenient) and my ability to help without excess inconvenience.
 
If it impacts on your health and ability to function ... dont do it.
 
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