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At the local food court.....

Saint_of_Me

Saint_of_Me

Member
Joined
Apr 28, 2015
Messages
102
Location
Prescott, AZ
Basic Beliefs
Agnostic. Atheist on a bad day. Recovering Catholic
A Catholic priest and a Jewish Rabbi are sitting together in the Food Court at a local mall.

A cute 12-year-old boy walks by.

The Priest says to the Rabbi, "Hey Rabbi--let's go screw that kid!"

The Rabbi raises his hands in a questioning gesture and asks, "Out of what?"
 
Two Jews walk out of Pinkus's Haberdashery. One holds out his new shirt in the light and finds a torn spot in the hem. He snorts and says, "Pinkus screwed us!!"
Two nuns are passing and one says to the other, "I didn't know Jews spoke Latin."
 
There's the Buddy Hackett joke.

A Catholic and a Jew cheated on their spouses with each other. After they were done, the Catholic Woman burst into tears. She explained that she felt guilty and that she was going to confess.
The Jewish Man felt a little guilty, but had no such avenue for forgiveness. So she explained the process, he nodded, dressed and went to find his rabbi.

"Rabbi," he stated when they were alone. "I had an affair."
Immediately the rabbi asked, "Who catered it? How many people?"
 
Two Jewish men were walking down the street when they spotted a sign in front of the catholic church that said "Convert to Catholicism and receive $10."

One of them pauses and starts stroking his chin. The other says, "You're not actually thinking of it are you?"

The other says, "But it's ten dollars! I'm going to do it."

So the one waits outside patiently while the other goes in for an hour or so. When the other comes out the door he eagerly asks, "Did you do it? Did you get the ten dollars?"

He replied disdainfully, "Money. Is that all you people think about?"
 
From Isaac Asimov:

Husband: I heard a good one today, Abraham and Levy were walking-
Wife: Why are all your jokes about Abraham and Levy?
Husband: Why shouldn't my jokes be about Abraham and Levy?
Wife: It's racist, telling Jewish jokes all the time.
Husband: But it's a Jewish joke!
Wife: I don't care, try something different for a change.
Husband: Okay, Mustafa and Hamal were walking to a synagogue for the bar mitzvah of Hamal's nephew-

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A very old one, many people won't get:

A Jewish Man escapes Nazi Germany and emigrates to London. Generally paranoid about Gentiles in power, now, he makes himself over into a classic English Gentleman. He speaks right, adopts the right politics, wears the right ties, and generally is indistinguishable from his business partners.
He does well in The City, buys a country house, hunts in high class society. Then one day, after The War, he learns that his father has survived, and arranges to bring him over the England as well. He loves his father, but worries that he'll be 'outed' as a Jew. He explains to his father, who agrees to adopt English mannerisms to protect his son from class retribution.
So he replaces Dad's gabardine coat with a Harris Tweed hacking jacket and his cabbage soup with roast beef rare and says "Dad, I'm sorry but my barber is going to cut off your ear locks -- English gentlemen don't wear them."
During this transformation, the old man had remained silent. But when his ear locks are cut off, he burst into tears. "Oh Pater," says his son "I didn't mean to hurt you."
The tears continue to stream down the old man's face. "You don't understand," he sobs, "I'm crying because we lost India."
 
A woman is visiting her parents over the holidays. One night, after dinner, she's helping her mother put the dishes away. Her mom is real adamant about certain dishes going in certain cabinets, and others kept in a separate one. The woman is surprised, as here parents were never terribly orthodox when she grew up.
"Mom, when did you and dad start keeping Kosher?"
"Kosher, smosher, everything in THIS cabinet your father can put in the microwave, everything in THAT cabinet he can't!"
 
Armed with a bag of candy, a jewish pedophile is staking out the swing park for prey. A little girl of about eight is within striking distance and their eyes meet. In a low, menacing voice he says, "Hey little girl, do you want to buy some candy ?"
 
Another oldie, a classic, if you will ...

An old Jewish man sits in his local deli, with a plate of soup in front of him.

"Waiter," he calls, "come taste this soup."

The waiter comes over, and says, "Mr. Goldstern, is there something wrong with the soup?"

"Just taste the soup," comes the reply.

"But Mr. Goldstern, it's the same soup you always have, you've had it here every week for the past 40 years. What's wrong with it today?"

"Look, just humour me. Taste the soup."

"Well okay, I guess. Uhhh ... where's the spoon?"

"Aha!"
 
A greedy old man decides to have his money buried with him when he dies. He asked a lawyer, a doctor, and a priest to each place one-third of the funds in his coffin when he passed. On the day of his funeral, all three got into a limousine after placing funds in the casket.

The lawyer confesses to the other two that he only put in half the money because he needed the money for personal expenses. The priest said, "shame on you." The doctor, too, confesses to having only put in half the money, and again, the priest replies, "shame on you."

The doctor and lawyer look at the priest and inquired, "you put it all in?" Without missing a beat, the priest readily replied, "of course I did. I wrote a check for the full amount!"
 
NASA had sent many, many shuttles to orbit the earth and made an attempt to include passengers of all races, color and creed. But they recently realized they had excluded the clergy! They invited a priest, a minister and a rabbi to orbit the earth in a shuttle.

Upon their return, crowds of people formed to hear their impressions.
First the priest emerged, beaming and happy, his statement was full of joy. He said, "It was totally amazing, I saw the sun rise and set, I saw the beautiful oceans."

Then the minister emerged, also happy and at peace. He said, "I saw the magnificent earth , our home, I saw the majestic sun. I'm truly in awe".

Then the rabbi came out. He was completely disheveled, his beard was tangled in every direction, his kipah was frayed, his tallit was wrinkled, oy, like you can't imagine.

They asked him, "Rabbi, did you enjoy the flight?"

He threw his hands in the air and replied, "ENJOY??? What was to enjoy??? Oy vey! Every 5 minutes the sun was rising and setting! On with the tfillin, off with the tfillin, mincha, maariv, mincha, maariv!... Gevalt!!!!!!"
 
That's funny. It makes me wonder how a Muslim prays toward Mecca five times a day in space.
 
Keith&Co. said:
James Brown said:
That's funny. It makes me wonder how a Muslim prays toward Mecca five times a day in space.
Click to expand...
'towards mecca' it left to the astronaut's best guess.
Click to expand...
It's hard to believe that would be allowed. Besides, by the time you guess where Mecca is and begin your prayer, the target has shifted underneath you before your prayers are finished.
 
In most orbits, "The general direction of Earth" would put you within 20 degrees of mecca. That's probably as accurate and anyone gets on the ground.
 
James Brown said:
Keith&Co. said:
'towards mecca' it left to the astronaut's best guess.
Click to expand...
It's hard to believe that would be allowed. Besides, by the time you guess where Mecca is and begin your prayer, the target has shifted underneath you before your prayers are finished.
Click to expand...

I figure that's why it's so amazingly un-anal a ruling. They had the option of being generous or figuring out specific rules and determinations and ways to tell if someone was screwing it up. And that would be a daunting task.

I mean, unless one of the crewmen on the original, diversity-ground-breaking Star Trek had been Muslim. Then by now nerds would have created an app to take into account your position, orientation and velocity, and indicate which direction you need to face and at what speed you need to turn. a handy chart would also tell you if you're in sufficient gravity to kneel.
 
A somewhat dated joke:

A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday The Catholics are driven crazy because, while they're eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him to Catholicism.

Finally, after much pleading, proselytizing and promises of paradise, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and says, "Born a Jew, Raised a Jew, Now a Catholic."

The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood.

The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying, "Born a cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish.
 
A corporate CEO, a priest, and a rabbi are on a plane. The engines fail and the plane is about to crash. A stewardess says, we only have 5 parachutes, we should give them to the children. The CEO says "Screw the children", to which the Rabbi replies "Out of what?" and the Priest replies, "Do you think we have time?"
 
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