ideologyhunter
Contributor
Thank you for contacting Celestial City Resorts and Suites. We cannot take reservations, for obvious reasons, but we strive to accommodate all walk-ins. There are clothing-optional recreational areas on the CCRS campus, including one with beautiful views of Swan Lake. Visitors to these areas are asked to keep robes on until they pass through the turnstile. You will be met there by Angel Bette and her staff. Those who wish to remove wings may also do so at this time. We have upgraded our terms and conditions for the nudist areas. First, we are now banning the use of boomboxes or other playback devices. This was made necessary by some Black Sabbath fans some time back. Instead a soothing harp accompaniment will be provided by local talent. Second, you are advised that the DTC (Deceased Televangelist Community) convenes at Swan Lake most weekday afternoons. We received numerous complaints from unsuspecting newcomers about having to gaze on Pastors Falwell, Robertson, Roberts, Van Impe, and especially Pastor Ernest Angley, who was, we think, spuriously accused of wearing a jet black merkin. So, you have been warned. (Tammy Faye occasionally attends, but she has on so much blush and toner at all times that it's almost like she's not nude. Just think of a giant butternut squash wearing a weave, and you'll get over it.) Third, absolutely no cell phones.
Please refer any questions to Archangel Azrael, and again, we look forward to serving you. If.
Please refer any questions to Archangel Azrael, and again, we look forward to serving you. If.