Colonel Sanders
Senior Member
Today is the anniversary on which God's Son rose from the dead after being crucified three days before. Details are sketchy.
Mary Magdelene and a few other women went to rub oils and spices on Jesus' corpse at his tomb and discovered he wasn't there. But there were two dudes just kind of hanging out--apparently these were angels. They told the women that "Jesus had um... risen. Yeah, that's it. He's all alive and shit again."
So all the women except Mary went back to tell the disciples. Judas was conspicuously absent. So all the disciples flocked as one to see the risen Jesus. Just kidding, only Peter and one other guy came to check it out. I mean broads, you know? But the men were all, "Just you two go so they'll stop cackling about it."
In the meantime, Mary Magdelene was still at the tomb. Then Mary saw a guy she thought was a gardener [insert Mexican gardener named Jesus joke here], and in a fit of common sense, she asked this guy what he'd done with Jesus body. Unfortunately, this line of questioning ended at that and grave robbery has since been utterly discarded in favor of an ascent to Heaven or, if you're sci-fi minded, a UFO gave Jesus a lift to his Dad's Place.
Anyway, after a while she recognized that the gardener was The Lord and Savior of all Humanity, which is understandable. I often see my gardeners and mistake them for gods, so it's easy to see how someone could make the opposite mistake.
Then some stuff happens and Jesus appears to a couple more disciples on a road, and they don't recognize him either. This plot device would be emulated in many 20th century sitcoms and movies where a "Rich Uncle" appears out of nowhere to the cast members, telling them a fantastic story. But the Rich Uncle is actually a penniless conman out to take their money. I see no parallels at all in Christianity to this and neither should you!
Back to the story. So the two disciples and Jesus eat, and only then do they recognize him. Why? Because.
Then over the course of the next week Jesus appears on and off to the disciples. Apparently by now he'd fixed himself up a little because the recognition issue doesn't resurface. He hangs out for 40 days and appears to 500 more people. Again, details are sketchy. Take for example, the mini-zombie invasion that occurred around this time. It seems like a helluva thing to say that dead people crawled out of their graves and sauntered into the city to pop in on their relatives and then just leave it that, but hey, whatevs.
Eventually Jesus takes his followers out into the middle of a field, mumbles something about getting to work to spread The Word and that he'll always be around, and then he goes into the sky. Some say his final words to his followers were "Lates bros!"
The End.
Mary Magdelene and a few other women went to rub oils and spices on Jesus' corpse at his tomb and discovered he wasn't there. But there were two dudes just kind of hanging out--apparently these were angels. They told the women that "Jesus had um... risen. Yeah, that's it. He's all alive and shit again."
So all the women except Mary went back to tell the disciples. Judas was conspicuously absent. So all the disciples flocked as one to see the risen Jesus. Just kidding, only Peter and one other guy came to check it out. I mean broads, you know? But the men were all, "Just you two go so they'll stop cackling about it."
In the meantime, Mary Magdelene was still at the tomb. Then Mary saw a guy she thought was a gardener [insert Mexican gardener named Jesus joke here], and in a fit of common sense, she asked this guy what he'd done with Jesus body. Unfortunately, this line of questioning ended at that and grave robbery has since been utterly discarded in favor of an ascent to Heaven or, if you're sci-fi minded, a UFO gave Jesus a lift to his Dad's Place.
Anyway, after a while she recognized that the gardener was The Lord and Savior of all Humanity, which is understandable. I often see my gardeners and mistake them for gods, so it's easy to see how someone could make the opposite mistake.
Then some stuff happens and Jesus appears to a couple more disciples on a road, and they don't recognize him either. This plot device would be emulated in many 20th century sitcoms and movies where a "Rich Uncle" appears out of nowhere to the cast members, telling them a fantastic story. But the Rich Uncle is actually a penniless conman out to take their money. I see no parallels at all in Christianity to this and neither should you!
Back to the story. So the two disciples and Jesus eat, and only then do they recognize him. Why? Because.
Then over the course of the next week Jesus appears on and off to the disciples. Apparently by now he'd fixed himself up a little because the recognition issue doesn't resurface. He hangs out for 40 days and appears to 500 more people. Again, details are sketchy. Take for example, the mini-zombie invasion that occurred around this time. It seems like a helluva thing to say that dead people crawled out of their graves and sauntered into the city to pop in on their relatives and then just leave it that, but hey, whatevs.
Eventually Jesus takes his followers out into the middle of a field, mumbles something about getting to work to spread The Word and that he'll always be around, and then he goes into the sky. Some say his final words to his followers were "Lates bros!"
The End.
