If the Swedish Chef had a knitting show....

[Keith&Co.]

SWEDISH KNITTER: Highdy hoday hummin! For toodayn, befur we maken der woolieblankieferdacozy, hinden needin fer der spinnin der wooolin.

(Reaches off camera to right, drags in a confused looking sheep. )

SK: Gotten der wooolin.

(Reaches to left, pulls in something like a steel laundry basket hanging from somewhere overhead.)

SK: Gotten der spinnin!

Sheepie: Whaaaaaat?

SK: Inter der spinnin mit der wooolin. (Wrestles sheepie into the basket. Sheepie not enthused)

SK: Ant now mit der spinnin!

(Camera follws him to left where an enormous clutch lever is visible) Andie heevin horder. (Pulls clutch. Mechanical sounds as the basket slowly spins.) Unt we grabbin der wooolin. (Pinches a tuft of sheepie wool, tugs gently. Yarn stretches out from the shhepie, gathers slowly in a yarn ball.) Der wooolin beekin yarnsus fer aboot the einen hoursderday.

Sheepie: Wow! This doesn't even huuuuuuurt!

(Mechanical sounds alter as aomething shifts gears. Basket spins faster) Hoo dey hivek! Hoo! (Yarn collects faster, SK hard pressed to keep up.) Ein deh comin der wooolin fizzey! Hoo!

(Basket spins wildly, starts to swing around the room, on and off camera. Circles and dives like a mad bomber. Finally swings straight at camera, sheepie face coming directly at the focus, knocking camera to the floor.)

(Mechanical sounds end with giant SPROING!, then clashes and bangs. Camera comes up off the floor. And entirely sheared sheepie stands atop the wreck of the basket, none tge worse for wear. Pan to the side. SK is wrapped mummy-tight in a beautifully woven wool blanket. He cannot move. He twists a bit, grunts, then looks at the camera)

SK: Tah-daaaaah. (Starts to shuffle off stage, grunting. Sheep trots past him)

 

[Elixir]

SWEDISH KNITTER: Highdy hoday hummin! For toodayn, befur we maken der woolieblankieferdacozy, hinden needin fer der spinnin der wooolin.

(Reaches off camera to right, drags in a confused looking sheep. )

SK: Gotten der wooolin.

(Reaches to left, pulls in something like a steel laundry basket hanging from somewhere overhead.)

SK: Gotten der spinnin!

Sheepie: Whaaaaaat?

SK: Inter der spinnin mit der wooolin. (Wrestles sheepie into the basket. Sheepie not enthused)

SK: Ant now mit der spinnin!

(Camera follws him to left where an enormous clutch lever is visible) Andie heevin horder. (Pulls clutch. Mechanical sounds as the basket slowly spins.) Unt we grabbin der wooolin. (Pinches a tuft of sheepie wool, tugs gently. Yarn stretches out from the shhepie, gathers slowly in a yarn ball.) Der wooolin beekin yarnsus fer aboot the einen hoursderday.

Sheepie: Wow! This doesn't even huuuuuuurt!

(Mechanical sounds alter as aomething shifts gears. Basket spins faster) Hoo dey hivek! Hoo! (Yarn collects faster, SK hard pressed to keep up.) Ein deh comin der wooolin fizzey! Hoo!

(Basket spins wildly, starts to swing around the room, on and off camera. Circles and dives like a mad bomber. Finally swings straight at camera, sheepie face coming directly at the focus, knocking camera to the floor.)

(Mechanical sounds end with giant SPROING!, then clashes and bangs. Camera comes up off the floor. And entirely sheared sheepie stands atop the wreck of the basket, none tge worse for wear. Pan to the side. SK is wrapped mummy-tight in a beautifully woven wool blanket. He cannot move. He twists a bit, grunts, then looks at the camera)

SK: Tah-daaaaah. (Starts to shuffle off stage, grunting. Sheep trots past him)

Y'know what's REALLY funny?
YOU!
A grown man with grown children and no discernible excuse for being so intimately familiar with Muppet Show characters that he can write a script that could easily pass for the real thing...
Oh, wait... that's ME!
(But only the Swedish Chef - my fav)

 

[Keith&Co.]

(Start with SWEDISH KNITTER and one sheep in the workroom.

SK: Highdy hoday hummin! Fur mit toosdayen, ibke de goofen mit der raw wool (pats sheep), en tooday, we DYE!

Shhep: Whaaaaat!??! Heeeeeeeelp!

SK: (shakes his head) No, no, noopen der (makes a gesture cutting his own throat, sounds death rattle) Gggtck-tck-tck-tck. (Shakes his head more) Der dyen fer der cooloren! (Pulls out a fistfull of variously colored ribbons, waves them in front of the sheep) Sie? Gooten der blewnug, der reednug, der yillownug-
Sheep: Oh, DYE. Maaaaaan, i was worried for a second.
SK: (still enumerating the colors) der magg-anentanug, der navynug, der- (pauses to stare at a ribbon done in plaid) der... (looks at sheep. Sheep shrugs) Der loomberjackenug!
(Tosses the ribbons aside, marches to the left. Sheep follows. There is a huge tub.)
SK: Toodye we day... (shakes head) tooDAYE we DYE, under miffen beginnen basic. (Produces a glass bottle filled with black liquid) BLAKKEN.
Sheep: (ducks down, comes back up with a pirate hat. ) Arrr! Release the blakken, matey!
(SK stares at sheep. Sheep shuffles a bit, tips his head and the pirate hat falls off.)
SK: My show.
Sheep: Sorry.
SK: Sossen needen woolen for dyen. (Nods)
(Sheep removes wool as if taking off a sweater. Tosses it into the tub. SK holds bottle over tub. Sheep moves behind SK.)
SK: Dao, gig der dyen bee einen eeensy teeensy weeensy eeetsy (slowly tips bottle by tiny increments) sissy
Sheep: (Sneezes) WACHOO!
(SK jerks, tosses bottle in the air. It spins a bit, then falls into the tub. Bkack fumes starts to rise from the tub)
SK: Noop! Noooop! ( picks up a large stick, starts to agitate the wool desperately) Einen eensy, nots der LOTSY!
(Sheep runs off, gallops back with another sheep's worth of wool, tosses into tub.) Yah! Yah! Mooren Vister woolen! Dilooten der dyen!
(Sheep makes a couple trips. A black mass starts to rise from the tub, growing and heaping over the dye. SK makes panic noises, like Beeker but not so high.)
(On fifth trip, sheep tosses the wool, then regards the growing mass. As he does, two yellow eyes open in the center. Big, evil yellow eyes. They blink twice, then turn to the sheep.)
Sheep: Gotta go! (Gone. Eyes turn to knitter. He sees them, drops yhe stick, backs away fearfully. Fingers flicker across his mouth.)
SK: Uh, uh, uh
Mass: (with an echoing bass voice like the Norse God of Disappointment) Hey.
SK: Hubvva whan der Abba?
Mass: (turns a bit. One side has a patch that's still undyed) You missed a spot.
(SK fearfully dips the stick in the tub, pokes the spot. It blackens. Mass turns back)
Mass: Thank you. (Pops out of tub and trots off)
SK: (staring at mass, whispers) ta daaaa (and faints)