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Scene One: We meet Donald Bailey, a strapping young man in the small town of Bedford-a-Lago. With his complexion of creamy Colby and his hair a darker aged Cheddar, he has all the girls' eyes on him. He tells local beauty Mellie: "I know what I'm gonna do tomorrow, and the next day, and the next year, and the year after that. Dad gave me four million. I'm the golden boy here."
Mellie: Well, light golden. Colby golden.
Donald: That's enough.
Scenes Two and Three: Donald's brother goes to Nam, but when Donald's left ear is examined, it turns out that, instead of a hammer, anvil, and stirrup, he has a hammer, sickle, and cheese parer. He stays home and takes over his father's bank. His nemesis, Old Man Biden, waits for a chance to undermine him.
Scene Four: Donald marries Mellie and they raise a family of snarling, feral sons and a daughter, Ivanka, who everyone calls Zuzu, because they can't think of a more irritating nickname.
Scenes Five, Six, Seven: Old Man Biden gets a local hooker, Violet, to come on to Donald's bank manager and accountant, Uncle Allen. She blows him and convinces him to steal all the bonds in the safe. On Christmas Eve, bank examiner "Hee Haw" Jack Smith confronts Donald over the missing bonds: "You're going to prison, Donald! Merry Christmas! Hee Haw!!"
Scene 8: A despondent Donald gets sloppy seconds off Violet and spends two days in a hot tub in Bedford-a-Lago's whorehouse. When he dries off, he hears the cries of another customer who can't escape from his Jacuzzi because he has a big ass. Donald pulls him out.
Clarence: Thank you, you are a true amicus curiae.
Donald: You're a judge!
Clarence: Alas, I am but an associate justice, but someday I hope to be Chief Justice.
Scenes Nine through Fifteen: Donald tearfully tells Clarence of the scandal that has overtaken him, and how he tried to drown himself in the hot tub.
Donald: Could I be a...(whispers) failure??
Clarence: No man is a failure if he has friends to monetize.
Clarence shows Donald a vision of how different Bedford-a-Lago would be, if he'd been aborted in 1946. "Here's your friend, Violet. She's an alley-dwelling Fentanyl whore. Without you slipping her hundreds, Donald, she had no hope of being a Versace-wearing ho...Here's the Bedford River -- see how sparkling blue it looks? Without your fracking and coal slurry works providing two dozen minimum wage jobs, it never got the chance to reach a churning brown color, the color of free enterprise! Here's residential Bedford. See all those BLM signs? They'd never be here if you'd been around to perpetuate your father's whites-only loan policy."
Donald: Where's my wife? What happened to her?
Clarence: Which one?
Donald: Melanie. I mean Melania.
Clarence: You're not going to like it, Donald. Without you to give her an exclusive lifestyle, she became a social worker with NAACP's Empowerment Programs. She's led the renewed push for slavery reparations and removing all statues of Confederate generals.
Donald: That stupid c@#%!!! Can I reverse this, Clarence?
Clarence: Reach in your pocket, Donald. Your right pocket.
Donald: Zuzu's oxycontin!
Clarence: I'm going to require half of Zuzu's oxycontin business. No. Sixty percent. Sixty percent of it. Will she go for that?
Donald: Zuzu does whatever Daddy says.
Scene Sixteen: Donaldraces waddles through Bedford, hollering at the top of his lungs: "Merry Christmas, Bedford! Merry Fucking Christmas!! Here, Violet! Here's a hundred dollars! Merry Christmas, Old Man Biden! I'm not going to prison, YOU'RE going to prison!!"
Scene Seventeen: Donald reaches his house to find an out-of-control kegger going on. His wife, kids, and friends are drunk as skunks and playing head-blasting music. He turns it down, slaps a doobie out of Donald Jr.'s mouth and takes a hit off it.
Melania: I thought you were in jail.
Donald: It didn't happen, because Bing, Bang, Boom, I took care of it. By the way, Melania, what do you know about reparations?
Melania: Repa--whoozit?
Donald: Never mind. Never mind. Good.
Ivanka/Zuzu: Daddy, this telegram just arrived...from 'Clarence'. He says your court case is delayed indefinitely.
(Loud, prolonged klaxon is heard.)
Ivanka/Zuzu: What the fuck is that?
Donald: You oughta know, Princess. That's the stand-back siren at the slurry works. They're about to dump more slurry in the river, including acid mine drainage, coal tailings, waste ash, and heavy metals.
Ivanka/Zuzu: Teacher says, every time the stand-back siren goes off, a corrupt associate justice gets his Chief Justice robes.
Donald: She says that? That is one strange and ignorant bitch. (Looks skyward.) Attaboy, Clarence!
Scene One: We meet Donald Bailey, a strapping young man in the small town of Bedford-a-Lago. With his complexion of creamy Colby and his hair a darker aged Cheddar, he has all the girls' eyes on him. He tells local beauty Mellie: "I know what I'm gonna do tomorrow, and the next day, and the next year, and the year after that. Dad gave me four million. I'm the golden boy here."
Mellie: Well, light golden. Colby golden.
Donald: That's enough.
Scenes Two and Three: Donald's brother goes to Nam, but when Donald's left ear is examined, it turns out that, instead of a hammer, anvil, and stirrup, he has a hammer, sickle, and cheese parer. He stays home and takes over his father's bank. His nemesis, Old Man Biden, waits for a chance to undermine him.
Scene Four: Donald marries Mellie and they raise a family of snarling, feral sons and a daughter, Ivanka, who everyone calls Zuzu, because they can't think of a more irritating nickname.
Scenes Five, Six, Seven: Old Man Biden gets a local hooker, Violet, to come on to Donald's bank manager and accountant, Uncle Allen. She blows him and convinces him to steal all the bonds in the safe. On Christmas Eve, bank examiner "Hee Haw" Jack Smith confronts Donald over the missing bonds: "You're going to prison, Donald! Merry Christmas! Hee Haw!!"
Scene 8: A despondent Donald gets sloppy seconds off Violet and spends two days in a hot tub in Bedford-a-Lago's whorehouse. When he dries off, he hears the cries of another customer who can't escape from his Jacuzzi because he has a big ass. Donald pulls him out.
Clarence: Thank you, you are a true amicus curiae.
Donald: You're a judge!
Clarence: Alas, I am but an associate justice, but someday I hope to be Chief Justice.
Scenes Nine through Fifteen: Donald tearfully tells Clarence of the scandal that has overtaken him, and how he tried to drown himself in the hot tub.
Donald: Could I be a...(whispers) failure??
Clarence: No man is a failure if he has friends to monetize.
Clarence shows Donald a vision of how different Bedford-a-Lago would be, if he'd been aborted in 1946. "Here's your friend, Violet. She's an alley-dwelling Fentanyl whore. Without you slipping her hundreds, Donald, she had no hope of being a Versace-wearing ho...Here's the Bedford River -- see how sparkling blue it looks? Without your fracking and coal slurry works providing two dozen minimum wage jobs, it never got the chance to reach a churning brown color, the color of free enterprise! Here's residential Bedford. See all those BLM signs? They'd never be here if you'd been around to perpetuate your father's whites-only loan policy."
Donald: Where's my wife? What happened to her?
Clarence: Which one?
Donald: Melanie. I mean Melania.
Clarence: You're not going to like it, Donald. Without you to give her an exclusive lifestyle, she became a social worker with NAACP's Empowerment Programs. She's led the renewed push for slavery reparations and removing all statues of Confederate generals.
Donald: That stupid c@#%!!! Can I reverse this, Clarence?
Clarence: Reach in your pocket, Donald. Your right pocket.
Donald: Zuzu's oxycontin!
Clarence: I'm going to require half of Zuzu's oxycontin business. No. Sixty percent. Sixty percent of it. Will she go for that?
Donald: Zuzu does whatever Daddy says.
Scene Sixteen: Donald
Scene Seventeen: Donald reaches his house to find an out-of-control kegger going on. His wife, kids, and friends are drunk as skunks and playing head-blasting music. He turns it down, slaps a doobie out of Donald Jr.'s mouth and takes a hit off it.
Melania: I thought you were in jail.
Donald: It didn't happen, because Bing, Bang, Boom, I took care of it. By the way, Melania, what do you know about reparations?
Melania: Repa--whoozit?
Donald: Never mind. Never mind. Good.
Ivanka/Zuzu: Daddy, this telegram just arrived...from 'Clarence'. He says your court case is delayed indefinitely.
(Loud, prolonged klaxon is heard.)
Ivanka/Zuzu: What the fuck is that?
Donald: You oughta know, Princess. That's the stand-back siren at the slurry works. They're about to dump more slurry in the river, including acid mine drainage, coal tailings, waste ash, and heavy metals.
Ivanka/Zuzu: Teacher says, every time the stand-back siren goes off, a corrupt associate justice gets his Chief Justice robes.
Donald: She says that? That is one strange and ignorant bitch. (Looks skyward.) Attaboy, Clarence!
