Sex and the older person

[ruby sparks]

By semi-popular request........(plus, sex is one of my very favourite discussion topics)

A thread on sex (as in the activity not the biological designation) and the older person.

I'm not going to define 'older'. We are all older in the sense that we are older than we once were. But in general terms, I suppose I'm mainly aiming at 40+ (with no upper limit). If however anyone younger than that wants to chip in and say something about their experience of change since they were younger, personally I think that's ok.

Just for the record, I'm 57 (58 in 3 months). Personally, I'm married, and have been for 25 years, and was with my partner for 7 before that, so 32 in total. I'm heterosexual. I'm male (my screen-name is just the title of a film I enjoyed). My being with the same person for so long probably affects my individual perspective and my experiences.

To get the ball rolling then, I'll offer some initial thoughts. Nobody posting after me has to pick up on them and can instead just offer their own. There are of course no 'correct' perspectives on this, imo.

So, first of all, on the topic of what I think good sex is:

To me, good sex is when two people share one of the mostly profoundly life-enhancing experiences that human existence has to offer. It's potentially the most wonderful expression of reciprocity out there. Good sex, imo, has to be mutual and sharing, both parties giving and getting. A sort of win-win situation.

I don't think that means that every instance has to be that, just the overall pattern. On some occasions, one might be the giver and the other the receiver.

I would add that I don't think there's anything dirty or wrong when it comes to sex. If both (or even more than two) enjoy it and are consenting adults and no harm is done to anyone, I think I'm very open-minded. I'm also fine with masturbation. As Woody Allen said, 'don't knock it, it's sex with someone you love'.

Woody Allen also once asked, 'Is sex dirty?' and answered, 'only if you're doing it properly'.

Even that's not entirely true. Sex doesn't have to be 'naughty'. It can be about deep love. Perhaps the very best sex is about both the physical and the emotional. Perhaps on one occasion it can be 'just physical' (or more physical, or earthy/carnal/lusty/horny/dirty) and on another occasion it can be 'just loving' (or more tender, more to do with love and emotions). Variety is the spice of life.

Oh finally, good sex, to me, isn't all or even mostly about penetration or orgasm. It's about the before, during and after. The anticipation and feeling of growing arousal, the holding hands, the kissing, the touching, and then afterwards the spooning, the endorphin-saturated afterglow, the pillow talk, etc. As before, no one instance needs to have all of these. There's nothing wrong with a bang bang impetuous quickie either, depending on mood and context.


Moving on from the topic of what good sex is, my thoughts on sex and getting older are:

I would describe my sex drive, my libido, as approximately 'normal', whatever that means. I'm not highly sexed and I'm not dead down there. I think (I could be wrong) that my libido has remained fairly constant for much of my life. As a perhaps typical married man in a long term marriage, I don't mind admitting, without going into too much personal detail, that I (we) don't have sex very often at all these days, which is a pity but there you go. There's at least still football and garlic chilli chicken, amongst many other pleasures. My wife and I have settled into a 'platonic best friends' state, but I sort of optimistically think it won't necessarily stay that way (I like to imagine a late renaissance), and in any case, it's not by any means unrewarding or the worst possible state to be in, and things have been much worse at times over the years. I doubt I would or could have continued dating or married my now-wife if there had been no sex in the early days, but now it seems fairly acceptable, all things considered, even if imperfect.

I was interested to read, on another thread, that marijuana beforehand can be a good idea, perhaps especially for the older person or couple, and I'm now wondering where I might get hold of some.

 

[Loren Pechtel]

My wife and I have settled into a 'platonic best friends' state, but I sort of optimistically think it won't necessarily stay that way (I like to imagine a late renaissance), and in any case, it's not by any means unrewarding or the worst possible state to be in, and things have been much worse at times over the years. I doubt I would or could have continued dating or married my now-wife if there had been no sex in the early days, but now it seems fairly acceptable, all things considered, even if imperfect.

I was interested to read, on another thread, that marijuana beforehand can be a good idea, perhaps especially for the older person or couple, and I'm now wondering where I might get hold of some.

Reality: there won't be a renaissance.

 

[southernhybrid]

Since I am the one who initially suggested we have a thread about sex among older adults, I want to thank Ruby for starting this thread. I once told Jobar that I wanted to start a thread at SC, entitled, "When old people fuck" but never quite had the nerve to do it.

I agree with much or most of what Ruby said in his post. I am a 68 year old woman, who has been happily married to the same man for 36 years. I mentioned in the other thread that there are some things that older women can do to enhance their sex drive. I noted that a biologist who wrote a book about women suggested that post menopausal women smoke some weed prior to sex. This works wonderfully for women, but it doesn't seem to have the same effect on older men. At least that's what I've been told. I suppose there are exceptions.

The weird thing to me is that although we don't have sex nearly everyday like we did when we were in our thirties, since I recently retired from work and he's been retired for almost three years, we always partake of each other more than once a week. Yay us!

I'd like to discuss some of the possible barriers that people have when they are sexually active later in life. First of all, many older women do suffer from vaginal dryness, which can easily be relieved with a very high quality lube. HRT also helps with this problem. I use an extremely low dose mixed hormonal patch and it's helped me for the past 18 years. Now, before someone starts to reply that hormones aren't good for older women, let me assure you that most of that has been debunked. Just a few months ago, the results of a long term study found that HRT usage didn't increase mortality at all. Still, if breast cancer was a big problem in one's family, I can understand the hesitation to use these produces. There are also topical estrogen creams which are becoming more widely used. I'd like to think that my baby boomer generation is at least partly responsible for the fact that sex in old age is becoming more important to many of us. After all, we were that naughty generation that came of age during the so called sexual revolution. There are other things I can add, but I'll wait and see if others are interested in discussing this. I'm glad Ruby likes this topic because it's always been one of my favorite topics too, which made my former patients feel comfortable discussing their sex lives with me, regardless of age. Over the years, I've worked in many different areas of nursing but spent the last 18 working in an assisted living facility populated by adults from about 50 to 100. And, it was common for little romances to occur at times.

But first, a few words about older men. Most men in their 50s and 60s are able to obtain an erection quite easily, but sometimes that changes at some point. Men, at least have RX. drugs that they can take, if their are no medical reasons that would contradict their use. Still, many men well past the age of 70 remain capable of obtaining erections without any chemical help. One of the best things about older men is that they usually love foreplay just as much as most women do. And it usually takes them a lot longer to reach orgasm, compared to when they were young. As Ruby mentioned, it's not the intercourse that matters, it's the before, and the after that are just as good.

I'm not personally interested in discussing exactly which techniques I like. Let's just say that I've always enjoyed sex with my partner. To me, having a partner for a very long time makes sex much better. It's more emotional and after many years together, you've learned exactly how to arouse your partner. I like to make the analogy of two older dancers. When you dance with the same partner for years and years, your performance keeps getting better.

I would love to hear other opinions, from both married and single people. Unless you're asexual, and I understand that's perfectly natural for some people, I think it's possible for most of us to have good sex well into old age. Some of my former patients who were in their 80s were still getting it on. Good for them.

I've known some young people that thought it was disgusting that older people are still sexually active. I've never understood this because since I was in my 20s, it was always my goal to remain sexually active as long as I had a good, emotionally attached partner. Why wouldn't anyone want to keep that physical bond for as long as possible? To me, when it comes to a joyous ritual, there's nothing better than good sex.

Oh wait. One more thing. You can still enjoy yourself, even if you don't have a partner. One of my single patients, who I'm pretty sure was a virgin, told me that he wished he had a girlfriend and he felt sexually frustrated. I suggested that he fantasize and pleasure himself. The next time I saw him, he told me he followed my advice and it worked. Take that for what it's worth. I realize that not all nurses feel comfortable discussing these matters with their patients, but I think that's ashame.

Your turn Ruby, unless someone else wants to give us an opinion.

 

[ruby sparks]

Reality Pessimism: there won't be a renaissance.

FIFY

 

[ruby sparks]

southernhybrid, I can't think of much to add to what you said.

But briefly, on the topic of difficulty getting a full erection, I suffer from this a bit. A lot of it, I think, may be down to the fact that I've smoked cigarettes on and off throughout my adult life, and unfortunately succumbed to taking the disgusting habit up again about 4 years ago (I lost both my parents in 2011 and my 27-year-old job in 2013 and my marriage was going through a rough patch and I think I turned to ciggies as a consolation, no matter how irrational that was and is). So at the moment I'm trying to quit (again). If and when I manage to do that, I'm hoping it will help at least somewhat with my erection issue. Fingers crossed, because I know that it won't necessarily be a silver bullet.

I do have a stash of viagra in a drawer just in case. If I ever take it in optimistic advance (which is, roughly, hardly ever and usually it doesn't get 'called upon' to do its job) I don't tell my wife, because after the time I did tell her, she didn't like the idea that I wasn't getting a natural erection because it implied (as she saw it) that I did not desire her enough. So there you go. Lol.

So in a way I'm hoping for a double renaissance, the resurrection of my wife's interest in sex and the second coming of my stiffy.

There have been encouraging signs of the former lately. My wife is 26, so I'm hoping there's chance of an upturn on the home front now that she's doing shorter hours at the massage parlour.

Kidding. She's 54 and works in the public sector.

 

[ruby sparks]

One more thing, and this has more to do with sex in long term relationships that sex in older age per se.

I think my wife and I fell into the apparently very common trap of letting sex become a token for or a representation of all the accumulated baggage and conflict that often comes with years and years of familiarity and all the trials and tribulations of marriage, life and parenthood.

Also, familiarity can breed........lack of interest. As a man, I admit that sometimes I crave more novelty, in the form of having sex with someone I definitely don't know so damn well and with whom I have no baggage history and for whom love or commitment won't enter into the equation. In that sense, I guess at times I'd like to be a footloose teenager again ('one last time') even though that's wanting to have my cake and eat it.

 

[southernhybrid]

Ruby, have you discussed this in detail with your wife? Let me tell you a sad story. My brother in law and his wife were married for over 30 years. One day last summer, she up and left him, then filed for divorce without ever saying a word. According to my BIL, they hadn't had any sex in over five years. Every time he suggested it, she would say something like "no way, Jose". They are in their 60s. He has been to a hooker a few times, and she may have found out about that, but my point is that couples must communicate with each other about these things.

Perhaps you could help your wife understand that needing a little help from Viagra has nothing to do with her. It's not unusual for older men to have issues, just like it is for older women. Luckily, my husband doesn't care if I need a little artificial stimulation and neither do I. Or, it could be that your wife is having some issues, being post menopausal. If you haven't sat down together and discussed this, I hope you will do so. And, I wish you success in giving up the smoking habit. I've been told that's a hard habit to break. Are you using a nicotine patch? I had a patient that quit successfully with help from her nicotine patch.

Oh, one more thing. My husband and I are very affectionate. We sometimes hug and kiss while standing in line at the grocery store. We hold hands when we're walking across the street together. We embrace sometimes while we're cooking etc. You get the idea. I personally think that being affectionate is an important link to good marital sex. And, affection and touching are something most older adults enjoy, even if it has nothing to do with sex. If you're not affectionate with each other, I'd start there. Don't make it seem like you're just wanting to have sex with her. Just do it because you care about her. What do you think of that idea?

I'm starting to feel like Doctor Ruth. Hey. I'd love to have that as a late in life career.

 

[Tharmas]

Very interesting topic, at least to those of us who are getting along in years.

I have been in a sexual relationship with my (second) wife for 28 years now (married 23). Currently I am 69 and she, 67.

As we have aged our sex drive has diminished a good deal (although I will add that hers has always been less active than mine, at least until recently). However we both still strongly appreciate the act and the bonding it promotes. Due to age we are both less athletic than we were, but what Sohy says has been true for us – with more and more experience of each other we have a fairly comprehensive grasp of what works for both of us.

Mrs. Tharmas experienced a real sexual renaissance in her late forties and fifties, interestingly enough, even going through menopause. She found it much easier to achieve intense orgasms than as a younger woman. Some of this may be due to our mutual experience, as described above.

Enter my various medical conditions. Medications I take, as well as an underlying congenital disease, have been making it more and more difficult for me to achieve and maintain an erection. For a number of years, Viagra (actually Cialis mostly) solved the problem, but eventually even those drugs began failing me. Now I use a drug that is directly injected. It’s not ideal, and not as “natural” as Cialis, but it sure as hell gets the job done, at least for now.

Even without the drugs and the ability to achieve arousal, I enjoy the contact, massaging my partner and holding on to her. It’s one of several counter intuitive (to me) lessons I’m learning about sex, about the relationship between psychological arousal and physical arousal.

 

[ruby sparks]

Ruby.......

Oh we've talked about it. The problem is, or should I say was, that there were other (big) issues lurking underneath the topic. Not infidelity on either of our parts I might clarify. We've also done marriage counselling courses twice in the last 5 years (at my behest in both cases). They helped, but not in the bedroom department. In a nutshell, we communicated, but not well, often at cross-purposes.

One of the things one of the marriage counsellors said to us (mainly to my wife) was that it's very hard to have sex with someone you're mad at. It could have been aimed at me too, in some ways.

The good news is that things are now a lot better in other departments (including the everyday affection department and the snuggling in bed thing) and I am hopeful (and I think she is too) that things in the carnal intimacy department might start to follow suit, albeit it will take a while and may not go smoothly at first. It's not merely coincidental that both our daughters are now, since last October, away from home most of the time at university.

The viagra issue won't be a problem because I don't have to necessarily tell her and maybe when I stop smoking I won't need to take it.

Regarding 'not just wanting to have sex with her', I think that'll be fine too, because I've never 'just wanted to have sex'. I'm above-averagely tactile and I like giving and getting affection, just of itself, regardless of whether it leads to sex or not. Plus, we still like each other a lot.

But anyway, enough about me.

That's a sad story indeed about your brother-in-law and his wife. Not entirely unusual, I would imagine.

 

[ruby sparks]

Even without the drugs and the ability to achieve arousal, I enjoy the contact, massaging my partner and holding on to her. It’s one of several counter intuitive (to me) lessons I’m learning about sex, about the relationship between psychological arousal and physical arousal.

Hey if the injections stop working you could always resort to tantric.

 

[rousseau]

One more thing, and this has more to do with sex in long term relationships that sex in older age per se.

I think my wife and I fell into the apparently very common trap of letting sex become a token for or a representation of all the accumulated baggage and conflict that often comes with years and years of familiarity and all the trials and tribulations of marriage, life and parenthood.

Also, familiarity can breed........lack of interest. As a man, I admit that sometimes I crave more novelty, in the form of having sex with someone I definitely don't know so damn well and with whom I have no baggage history and for whom love or commitment won't enter into the equation. In that sense, I guess at times I'd like to be a footloose teenager again ('one last time') even though that's wanting to have my cake and eat it.

To me this is the crux of why couples almost always have less and less sex over time. I don't think it has anything to do with wanting to commit infidelity, but is rather just the nature of human psychology.

On some visceral and sensual level sex is about the sensation that's produced, in the same way eating chocolate or pizza is about the flavour, or beer is about the buzz. And so if you're having sex with the same person, in the same ways, repeatedly for many years of your life, by the very nature of repetition you're going to get dulled to the act. This is no different from what would happen if you ate the same type of pizza every day for three years.

And yet the reason we stay with our partner anyway is that by the time sex has died down we've hopefully formed a deeper, familial bond that takes precedence over physicality. Having sex with someone new is less important than the emotional and probably material bond you've formed with your partner.

I may only be thirty-one, but I sense that my partner and I are already past our peak, and yet it's ok because I now get far more joy from other aspects of our relationship than I ever did from the sex.

 

[ruby sparks]

To me this is the crux of why couples almost always have less and less sex over time. I don't think it has anything to do with wanting to commit infidelity, but is rather just the nature of human psychology.

On some visceral and sensual level sex is about the sensation that's produced, in the same way eating chocolate or pizza is about the flavour, or beer is about the buzz. And so if you're having sex with the same person, in the same ways, repeatedly for many years of your life, by the very nature of repetition you're going to get dulled to the act. This is no different from what would happen if you ate the same type of pizza every day for three years.

And yet the reason we stay with our partner anyway is that by the time sex has died down we've hopefully formed a deeper, familial bond that takes precedence over physicality. Having sex with someone new is less important than the emotional and probably material bond you've formed with your partner.

I may only be thirty-one, but I sense that my partner and I are already past our peak, and yet it's ok because I now get far more joy from other aspects of our relationship than I ever did from the sex.

Just you wait.

Brace yourself for your midlife crisis.

Kidding. Good points all of them.

I do suspect though, from what I've heard, read and experienced, that the urge for new and different, casual and baggage-free sex, is often to do with wanting to actually commit infidelity, wisely or unwisely as that may be, and I doubt if any two 'predicaments', male or female, are the same. I also reckon that men and women generally or often cheat for slightly different reasons, but that's a generalisation and may not apply in any individual case.

 

[rousseau]

To me this is the crux of why couples almost always have less and less sex over time. I don't think it has anything to do with wanting to commit infidelity, but is rather just the nature of human psychology.

On some visceral and sensual level sex is about the sensation that's produced, in the same way eating chocolate or pizza is about the flavour, or beer is about the buzz. And so if you're having sex with the same person, in the same ways, repeatedly for many years of your life, by the very nature of repetition you're going to get dulled to the act. This is no different from what would happen if you ate the same type of pizza every day for three years.

And yet the reason we stay with our partner anyway is that by the time sex has died down we've hopefully formed a deeper, familial bond that takes precedence over physicality. Having sex with someone new is less important than the emotional and probably material bond you've formed with your partner.

I may only be thirty-one, but I sense that my partner and I are already past our peak, and yet it's ok because I now get far more joy from other aspects of our relationship than I ever did from the sex.

Just you wait.

Brace yourself for your midlife crisis.

Kidding. Good points all of them.

I do suspect though, from what I've heard, read and experienced, that the urge for new and different, casual and baggage-free sex, is often to do with wanting to actually commit infidelity, wisely or unwisely as that may be, and I doubt if any two 'predicaments', male or female, are the same. I also reckon that men and women generally or often cheat for slightly different reasons, but that's a generalisation and may not apply in any individual case.

Just be careful not to conflate the desire for an enjoyable experience with the desire to do something that hurts your partner. My point was only that the desire for novel sexual experiences is a normal part of the human psyche (at least coming from the male perspective), and that experiences which lose their novelty eventually become less enjoyable.

It's funny, because I think in many cases people don't really get this point, but it's pretty critical. They stop becoming as interested in each other physically and instead of interpreting it as the natural evolution of a relationship, they think there is something wrong with them. And in the worst case scenario there is no bond outside of the physicality that was once there, and the relationship ends.

 

[Cycad]

Snip
maybe when I stop smoking I won't need to take it.
Snip

6+ Here and been a very heavy smoker for 40 years or so.
The kind that woke up in the night to smoke a cigarette
Smokefree since more than a decade now.

Smoking does ruin your body and I regret every cigarette I ever smoked.
One of the effects is problems with erections. At least for the men.
Does it gets better when you stop smoking ? In my case NO. There is improvement but very slight. ALL men have issues with erections after 50. Smoker or not. The effects of age on that part of the body are well documented. I wonder why
Angle of erection, duration, hardness etc etc etc : you can find abundant literature, graphs and stats.

Break the nicotine addiction ! It will help your sex life. You wont smell like an overripe smoked polish garlic sausage, kissing will be better, erections will improve (a bit), libido will change (hopefully for the better)

Oh and dont use the nicotine patches. Its rubbish but an excellent source of income for pharma companies. Try the Stop Smoking By Allan Carr book for 4,11 US Dollar. It starts with : as long as you read this book you must smoke as much as you can.

Now back to the topic

 

[southernhybrid]

Ruby.......

Oh we've talked about it. The problem is, or should I say was, that there were other (big) issues lurking underneath the topic. Not infidelity on either of our parts I might clarify. We've also done marriage counselling courses twice in the last 5 years (at my behest in both cases). They helped, but not in the bedroom department. In a nutshell, we communicated, but not well, often at cross-purposes.

One of the things one of the marriage counsellors said to us (mainly to my wife) was that it's very hard to have sex with someone you're mad at. It could have been aimed at me too, in some ways.

The good news is that things are now a lot better in other departments (including the everyday affection department and the snuggling in bed thing) and I am hopeful (and I think she is too) that things in the carnal intimacy department might start to follow suit, albeit it will take a while and may not go smoothly at first. It's not merely coincidental that both our daughters are now, since last October, away from home most of the time at university.

The viagra issue won't be a problem because I don't have to necessarily tell her and maybe when I stop smoking I won't need to take it.

Regarding 'not just wanting to have sex with her', I think that'll be fine too, because I've never 'just wanted to have sex'. I'm above-averagely tactile and I like giving and getting affection, just of itself, regardless of whether it leads to sex or not. Plus, we still like each other a lot.

But anyway, enough about me.

That's a sad story indeed about your brother-in-law and his wife. Not entirely unusual, I would imagine.

It's good that you're affectionate. I consider that a very important part of marriage and good sex. And, it also sounds as if you may be making headway. If you've ever watched much porn made specifically for females, you probably know that we women sometimes need a lot of atmosphere before we really get turned on. I personally need to have the right music in the background, not so much when I was younger, but with age, I became a bit more needy.
I have made CD mixes of slow jams, often referred to as baby making music by my black friends, but since I'm way past baby making age, I prefer the term that I first heard on an Atlanta black music station. Some times it's fun to dress up in lingerie, and yes there is age appropriate stuff for older women. I'm not taking about crotchless panties etc. just nice, pretty, silky stuff. Wearing something sexy can make a woman feel more desirable, especially if her partner notices it.

Do you and your wife like to watch porn together? We used to do it when we were young, but we just don't feel the need for it anymore. But, since you want something to spark up your sex life, it can be a lot of fun and a turn on to watch porn with a partner. Just make sure it's something that a female would enjoy. If you don't have any weed, maybe a glass of wine or two would help her feel more relaxed and less pressured. Don't forget the Pjur. That stuff is fantastic.

Since your girls are out of the house, it's a great time to try and bring the hotness back to your marriage. I know when my son moved out, it gave us a lot of freedom. It's nice when you can wear what you want and be as loud as you want....

 

[southernhybrid]

One more thing, and this has more to do with sex in long term relationships that sex in older age per se.

I think my wife and I fell into the apparently very common trap of letting sex become a token for or a representation of all the accumulated baggage and conflict that often comes with years and years of familiarity and all the trials and tribulations of marriage, life and parenthood.

Also, familiarity can breed........lack of interest. As a man, I admit that sometimes I crave more novelty, in the form of having sex with someone I definitely don't know so damn well and with whom I have no baggage history and for whom love or commitment won't enter into the equation. In that sense, I guess at times I'd like to be a footloose teenager again ('one last time') even though that's wanting to have my cake and eat it.

To me this is the crux of why couples almost always have less and less sex over time. I don't think it has anything to do with wanting to commit infidelity, but is rather just the nature of human psychology.

On some visceral and sensual level sex is about the sensation that's produced, in the same way eating chocolate or pizza is about the flavour, or beer is about the buzz. And so if you're having sex with the same person, in the same ways, repeatedly for many years of your life, by the very nature of repetition you're going to get dulled to the act. This is no different from what would happen if you ate the same type of pizza every day for three years.

And yet the reason we stay with our partner anyway is that by the time sex has died down we've hopefully formed a deeper, familial bond that takes precedence over physicality. Having sex with someone new is less important than the emotional and probably material bond you've formed with your partner.

I may only be thirty-one, but I sense that my partner and I are already past our peak, and yet it's ok because I now get far more joy from other aspects of our relationship than I ever did from the sex.

We need to talk. Unless the two of you have really low sex drives, you should not have reached your peak at the age of 31. My 30s were probably the hottest years of my life, when it came to desire and frequency of sex. My husband was the same way. And, I know plenty of couples who don't have less and less sex as they get older. Sure, there are biological changes that come after 50, especially in women, but unless a woman is suffering from vulvodynia, or some other painful condition, most women really enjoy sex in their 30s. Either that, or they're lying to me.

There is no reason why you can't experiment a little or find some ways to make the act more romantic. And women often need to fantasize. There have been books written about female fantasy. I've never understood why anyone who is happy with their partner would want to cheat when all they need to do is fantasize, or change the atmosphere or try something a little different. I would assume that men fantasize too, no? So, my advice is not to give up unless the two of you really don't care much about having a good sex life. You guys are too young to give up.

One more thing. We skeptics often make fun of tantric sex, but let me tell you something. Tantric sex has a lot of good ideas when it comes to methods to give pleasure to each other. There's nothing magic about it, but the mythology and poetry is quite beautiful. People have the mistaken idea that tantric doesn't include orgasm, but that's not true. You could say it's about the journey more than about the final destination, but I suggest you do some reading on some of the techniques. If nothing else, it's interesting and you might find something that spices things up. Best to you and your partner in your continuing journey together. I hope you don't take anything I've suggested as offensive. It's good not to make sex the primary reason for your relationship, but it really can add a lot of joy to things.

 

[ruby sparks]

Do you and your wife like to watch porn together? We used to do it when we were young, but we just don't feel the need for it anymore. But, since you want something to spark up your sex life, it can be a lot of fun and a turn on to watch porn with a partner. Just make sure it's something that a female would enjoy. If you don't have any weed, maybe a glass of wine or two would help her feel more relaxed and less pressured. Don't forget the Pjur. That stuff is fantastic.

Porn is not her thing, unfortunately.

Luckily, wine is. Or cannabis, if we got hold of some.

 

[Loren Pechtel]

I'd like to discuss some of the possible barriers that people have when they are sexually active later in life. First of all, many older women do suffer from vaginal dryness, which can easily be relieved with a very high quality lube. HRT also helps with this problem. I use an extremely low dose mixed hormonal patch and it's helped me for the past 18 years. Now, before someone starts to reply that hormones aren't good for older women, let me assure you that most of that has been debunked. Just a few months ago, the results of a long term study found that HRT usage didn't increase mortality at all.

Second this. Without HRT and lube sex would have been off the table long ago.

On the other hand, without HRT her sleep would suffer badly and that would be worse than any of the claims for the supposed HRT risks.

 

[southernhybrid]

https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/attitudes-about-sexuality-and-aging

I haven't read all of the article in the link, but it looked interesting. Gotta run.

 

[rousseau]

One more thing, and this has more to do with sex in long term relationships that sex in older age per se.

I think my wife and I fell into the apparently very common trap of letting sex become a token for or a representation of all the accumulated baggage and conflict that often comes with years and years of familiarity and all the trials and tribulations of marriage, life and parenthood.

Also, familiarity can breed........lack of interest. As a man, I admit that sometimes I crave more novelty, in the form of having sex with someone I definitely don't know so damn well and with whom I have no baggage history and for whom love or commitment won't enter into the equation. In that sense, I guess at times I'd like to be a footloose teenager again ('one last time') even though that's wanting to have my cake and eat it.

To me this is the crux of why couples almost always have less and less sex over time. I don't think it has anything to do with wanting to commit infidelity, but is rather just the nature of human psychology.

On some visceral and sensual level sex is about the sensation that's produced, in the same way eating chocolate or pizza is about the flavour, or beer is about the buzz. And so if you're having sex with the same person, in the same ways, repeatedly for many years of your life, by the very nature of repetition you're going to get dulled to the act. This is no different from what would happen if you ate the same type of pizza every day for three years.

And yet the reason we stay with our partner anyway is that by the time sex has died down we've hopefully formed a deeper, familial bond that takes precedence over physicality. Having sex with someone new is less important than the emotional and probably material bond you've formed with your partner.

I may only be thirty-one, but I sense that my partner and I are already past our peak, and yet it's ok because I now get far more joy from other aspects of our relationship than I ever did from the sex.

We need to talk. Unless the two of you have really low sex drives, you should not have reached your peak at the age of 31. My 30s were probably the hottest years of my life, when it came to desire and frequency of sex. My husband was the same way. And, I know plenty of couples who don't have less and less sex as they get older. Sure, there are biological changes that come after 50, especially in women, but unless a woman is suffering from vulvodynia, or some other painful condition, most women really enjoy sex in their 30s. Either that, or they're lying to me.

There is no reason why you can't experiment a little or find some ways to make the act more romantic. And women often need to fantasize. There have been books written about female fantasy. I've never understood why anyone who is happy with their partner would want to cheat when all they need to do is fantasize, or change the atmosphere or try something a little different. I would assume that men fantasize too, no? So, my advice is not to give up unless the two of you really don't care much about having a good sex life. You guys are too young to give up.

One more thing. We skeptics often make fun of tantric sex, but let me tell you something. Tantric sex has a lot of good ideas when it comes to methods to give pleasure to each other. There's nothing magic about it, but the mythology and poetry is quite beautiful. People have the mistaken idea that tantric doesn't include orgasm, but that's not true. You could say it's about the journey more than about the final destination, but I suggest you do some reading on some of the techniques. If nothing else, it's interesting and you might find something that spices things up. Best to you and your partner in your continuing journey together. I hope you don't take anything I've suggested as offensive. It's good not to make sex the primary reason for your relationship, but it really can add a lot of joy to things.

Don't get me wrong, we're having a better time now than we ever did at the beginning of our relationship. When I say 'peaked' I only mean that the frequency has gone down since the days we were a newly minted couple and still at the tail-end of our youth.

Truth be told, we do have low libidos, though. For my part, I take a medication that brings me down a bit, but I consider this a good, not bad thing. I prefer to not be thinking about sex all the time. My partner, it's harder to say. She's definitely always been toward the lower end but there doesn't seem to be any real patterns, sometimes she's up, sometimes she's not.

All of this isn't to say that we don't enjoy a fantastic relationship, just that neither of us seem to be as interested in sex as we were two or three years ago. We're still intimate, lots of great moments, touching, hand-holding, and all that good stuff, just less need to actually have sex.